separated but still living in the same house

garminguy

hi,
unfortunately after 24 years together myself and my wife have come to the end of the road.
we have four young kids and a joint mortgage, i temporarily moved out at the beginning of november,we reconciled a few weeks later and had resolved all issues.
three weeks ago i went out one night without her but with her sis whom we both socialise with.
she had issiues about this for some reason and felt that we should have invited her.
i felt that this was too controling and disagreed.
she phoned me the next day at work and said that we need to talk about this and if i didn't come home straight away that it was over.
i stood my ground and refused to jump through her hoops
she told me that i was not to come home and locked me out.
luckily there was a window open and i climbed in
she went beserk and attacked me
i defended myself as gently as i could but she called the guards to get me removed from the house
the guards arrived and tried to persuade me to leave but i refused to leave since i had done nothing wrong
she now has applied for a barring order which is due in court next month
in my opinion she has grossly over reacted to a normal nite out and escalated to a marriage ending
is it just me or is this just ridiculous?

sffc

garminguy wrote: »

hi,
unfortunately after 24 years together myself and my wife have come to the end of the road.
we have four young kids and a joint mortgage, i temporarily moved out at the beginning of november,we reconciled a few weeks later and had resolved all issues.
three weeks ago i went out one night without her but with her sis whom we both socialise with.
she had issiues about this for some reason and felt that we should have invited her.
i felt that this was too controling and disagreed.
she phoned me the next day at work and said that we need to talk about this and if i didn't come home straight away that it was over.
i stood my ground and refused to jump through her hoops
she told me that i was not to come home and locked me out.
luckily there was a window open and i climbed in
she went beserk and attacked me
i defended myself as gently as i could but she called the guards to get me removed from the house
the guards arrived and tried to persuade me to leave but i refused to leave since i had done nothing wrong
she now has applied for a barring order which is due in court next month
in my opinion she has grossly over reacted to a normal nite out and escalated to a marriage ending
is it just me or is this just ridiculous?

What we think is of no consequence I'm afraid. What your solicitor thinks is way more important. Find out.

Stheno

sffc wrote: »

What we think is of no consequence I'm afraid. What your solicitor thinks is way more important. Find out.

You may also find www.amen.ie useful for advice.

100200 shih

if this all that happen , then she will not get a barring order, but it all depend on the Judge you get on the day.

Cavehill Red

I think you need to put your stubbornness aside and speak to your wife about the future, for your children's sake if not your marriage's.
Failing that, you need to talk to legal counsel, not anonymous people online who know nothing about the full circumstances.

MiddleOne

I'm going to answer this as a woman who has been through a split. From her actions I think she was feeling very vulnerable and insecure. You spilt up and were still working on resolving things. What to you was an innocent night out with someone you see as a person you both socialise with clearly wasn't that to her sitting at home on her own. Yes, she over reacted but she was probably thinking all sorts while you were having an innocent pint. If you still love her and want to sort it out I suggest sitting down together and try telling her you still love her and she shouldn't worry when you have a night out with pals. Don't assume she knows or understands what's common sense to you. We can all get irrational when it comes to love. It's an old chestnut but communication is key here and it sounds like neither of you are very good at it. I'm not having a pop here, most of us aren't.

Stheno

MiddleOne wrote: »

I'm going to answer this as a woman who has been through a split. From her actions I think she was feeling very vulnerable and insecure. You spilt up and were still working on resolving things. What to you was an innocent night out with someone you see as a person you both socialise with clearly wasn't that to her sitting at home on her own. Yes, she over reacted but she was probably thinking all sorts while you were having an innocent pint. If you still love her and want to sort it out I suggest sitting down together and try telling her you still love her and she shouldn't worry when you have a night out with pals. Don't assume she knows or understands what's common sense to you. We can all get irrational when it comes to love. It's an old chestnut but communication is key here and it sounds like neither of you are very good at it. I'm not having a pop here, most of us aren't.

On the flip side, when I split from my husband, I engaged a solicitor recommended by three other people who had seperated/divorced.

Both myself and my ex lived in the house, and as it happened, I was in a position financially at the time to move out and rent elsewhere.

When I rang my solicitor to ask how my ownership might be affected were I to move out and continue to pay my share of the mortgage, the first reply I got was "Is he causing you any sort of hassle? I can make SURE you get a barring order and stay in the house" without any sort of consideration that anything else may be at play.

If I were the OP (who understandably is on the other side of the "gender" debate" in this regard) I'd engage very quickly with a solicitor and amen, on the basis of my past experience.

I subsequently moved out and am this year getting my seperation/divorce (it'll be done in quick succession), after doing mediation etc.

I strongly believe that there are some people in the legal profession out there who may not genuinely have their clients best interests at heart, but rather are prone to foment disquiet as it will make a seperation/divorce more difficult and potentially increase the fees involved. Very cynical I know, I was absolutely horrified when I got the response I posted above as it was and still is a very amiable and peaceful seperation, and to get that response unsolicited and with such a bias I thought was grossly unprofessional.

My current solicitor is excellent and very quick to point out the consequences of decisions made both for me and my former partner. The above example is probably extreme, but for me were I in the OPs situation, I'd be wary and careful to engage as much professional support as possible.

sffc

For anyone else in this situation - don't climb in a window. Sit on the step and YOU phone the Guards. You shouldn't be locked out of your own home male or female.