Bullying in PS, where to go?

Bessiemate · 27-02-2013 6:32pm #1

Hi. I'm so stressed and at my wits end and please please please need some advice. My 7 yr old has been bullied for the last 2.5 years (since she started PS) by a girl in her class. Initially we thought it was a clash of personalities. We arranged meeting with class teacher for help / guidance and were assured it would be watched. Then the next year it got worse and the bed wetting started. Moodiness, not willing to go to other's houses, never leaving our side, getting up at night. Wearing her hair in front of her face, crying all the time, telling us she was stupid and silly, not wanting to go to school, not getting out of the car.... it goes on and on. We met with the school and found out that our daughter was one of several in the class this was happening to and that the school were dealing with the child in question. The principal asked us to meet with the Chairman of the BOM to explain our concerns. We did so, and (to our surprise) other parents of children who were being bullied were also present. This meeting was had with the parents TOGETHER!! so everyone could hear what the others had to say. The follow up to this meeting was a phone call from the chairman telling us that we had to 'move on' and 'draw a line in the sand' and not be 'victimising' the girl (who was doing the bullying)!!!. We were very confused by this turn of events but we were assured the school was keeping and eye on things. (I'd like to mention that I was pregnant at the time and the school suggested my daughter might just be a little anxious over me!). Over the summer I built up my DS confidence as much as I could and filled her with plenty of reassurance that she wasn't ugly, stupid etc etc and spent alot of time doing things with her. So much so the school commented on the change in her in September. Then, roll on November 2012. It had started again.... This time we went straight to the chairman and told him enough was enough. I got my hands on the bullying policy and it seems they didn't follow it. I've told my DS not to have anything to do with this girl and now guess what......... we're being told that we're in breach of the schools anti-bullying isolation policy.

I requested a meeting with the school in January and they wrote to me to say they would be in touch. We still haven't got a date. I've written to them a couple more times looking for a meeting. To date we haven't received a date. But they are now accusing us of harrassing them! I requested a copy of my DS file and was told (in writing from the principal) I would have it on the 8th Feb. I still don't have that either. We contacted the Patron Body and they said they knew of our case and we just had to wait to hear from the school and the BOM. The Patron seemed a little surprised that we hadn't our file yet. They told us they had been informed that it was sent to us.

Then today, the chairman contacted my DH and told him they would be in touch in writing by Friday with a resolution. He was quite forceful on the phone when we asked for a meeting. He said the boards decision would be final on this matter!!! How can the BOM make a decision without meeting with us or hearing what our concerns are. The principal won't return any messages.

I'm so sorry about the long post but this is really starting to take over our lives.... I've a new baby and a very sick dad. I'm trying to resolve a situation and can't get anywhere. Any suggestions???? Thanks

Bessie mate

byhookorbycrook · 27-02-2013 8:17pm

Sorry to hear your daughter is having such an awful time.Without going into detail,is the school def after breaching the anti-bullying policy?

Bessiemate · 27-02-2013 9:06pm

Hi
Well, so far from what we can see they have. They didn't investigate our complaint according to the ABP. They came back to us after our initial meeting with the principal in March 2012 with an acknowledgement that the incidents we informed them of had been looked into and confirmed to have happened. Then, nothing. According to the APB, our child is to receive an apology - this did not happen. Workshops took place in the class to address the issue, which we really appreciated and agreed to. Afterwards, our child was so distraught she wouldn't attend school. She finally admitted to us that she was too afraid to because she spoke up at the 'circle time' and told the other girl how she felt. We contacted the school as to what to do and they said 'keeping her out was for the best'! We were shocked as keeping her from school was not the route we wanted to choose. Then there was a school tour, and our DS didn't want to go because of the "bus" issue. Then, swimming started and our DS was so excited. The night before - she wouldn't go. Again we discovered it was because of the bus. We met with the school in June and went over these issues and asked where were we at with the other issues we brought to their attention. They asked us ...."what issues?". So until we get our file to see what exactly the school has done and how they followed their policies - we are of the belief that they didn't.

I'm really sorry I write such long posts. As you can see I'm like a simmering pot.
Thanks

PS Also, when we met with them they went into detail about other children in the class having similar issues. Surely this isn't appropriate is it?

byhookorbycrook · 27-02-2013 9:13pm

What file do you mean?Is it a list of incidents?

Bessiemate · 27-02-2013 9:19pm

The file the school is obliged to keep in relation to notes of meetings and actions taken. Am I talking through my hat? I was informed they had to keep this. They told me they had it and were preparing to pass it on to me. In fact, they told me it was ready for collection. When we arrived to collect it then we were told it wasn't ready...

byhookorbycrook · 27-02-2013 9:35pm

You had the meeting with the BOM so this may be the basis for making a decision.I would wait until Friday and see what transpires from that before doing anything else, I think.

Bessiemate · 27-02-2013 9:47pm

Sorry byhookorbycrook. You seem to misunderstand me. Probably my long winded mail throwing you off! The meeting with BOM was last May 2012! It was then the chairman came back with the 'draw line in sand' message.

No meeting has been had with them in the 2012 / 2013 year. Just communication with school and ourselves. But now we have to wait until the BOM comes back to us on Friday??? this seems a bit unfair considering they feel they can rule on issues they haven't been informed about. We were told by other parents not to bother pushing this as schools generally don't want to deal with bullying. I'm inclined to agree and kind of wish I hadn't bothered and just deal with my DD myself without involving the school.

byhookorbycrook · 27-02-2013 10:27pm

In my experience, bullying is taken very seriously, thankfully. The communication you had with the school was brought before the board, I take it?Will you be meeting BOM or getting a written response?

Queen-Mise · 27-02-2013 10:47pm

When you get the report on Friday - if it is not to your liking then put in an official complaint to the Dept. of Education.

And change your daughter's school after Easter - a new school won't take a child mid-term. If you don't want to change school, if there is two classes in a year, then demand/request that she is changed to the other class.

I would seriously consider changing schools - your daughter is in 1st class and has another full five years left in school with this girl. At this age - they stick to their classes and friends there, as they get older, this will move to the playground. At the rate the school are going, they are not going to handle any situations any better than they are handling them now.

Your concern is your daughter & not fighting the school. Move her to another school and forget about this debacle, but leave an official complaint in writing behind you and go to a solicitor and considering suing school for mishandling of the situation.

I would also get a child psychologist for your daughter - just a few sessions, when changing schools just to make sure that all the lingering issues are gone. Do some stuff with your daughter to increase her confidence - dance classes, athletics, anything at all.

Document everything (from the sounds of it, you already have), photocopy it, and give to a solicitor. Give them a timeline of events - promises made and broken. Give a list of all the side effects this has had on your daughter - mental/physical/emotional.

Suing a school is not ideal, not ideal at all - but maybe it will be a wake up call for them. Hopefully they will handle another girl's situation better but get your daughter out of there.

I am really serious on this - bullying can ruin a child's life into adulthood. Get your child out of the situation. Children bounce back - get her out now and she will forget about it, you don't want this going into her psyche.

marko747 · 27-02-2013 11:43pm

Hi. Sorry to hear about the dreadful experience your child is going through. Perhaps a solicitors letter might just encourage the school to take notice and do something. school's seem more interested in protecting the bully and not the victims. I think i would if i were you just move your daughter to another school. It is obviously having a lasting effect on her and it needs to be stopped. I think another 5 years in the school with the girl will really leave some self esteem etc issues.
Best of luck

Bessiemate · 27-02-2013 11:57pm

Thanks everyone. My child is my priority. While pride wants to take the school to task I really only want this to STOP! I was thinking of getting her assessed but was wondering was I over-reacting. When I try and talk to her about the situation she covers her ears with her hands and says "mummy I don't want to talk about this". She couldn't stop crying 2 weeks ago in the playground and my DH had to go and collect her. (I was away working). When he arrived she was so distraught he had to bring her to the gP to get her to breathe. The GP diagnosed a panic attack. He said it was a classic symptom of bullying and he sees it hundreds of times. He also said to be prepared for the school to find some reason why it is 'our' fault!! We had no contact from the school that day to see how she was even though it happened in their time on their property! Now we have to tell her when she feels it happening she is to blow out and catch her breath! I think this is a disgraceful situation to be in with our 7 yr old!
We've considered changing schools but she has some lovely lovely little friends (who have all had issues with the other girl). We've organised some outside school activites with the other girls (dancing, hockey etc) to build confidence and this seems to be going well. I'd hate to ruin that now - or would changing schools wreck her confidence?? I just don't know.
I have all my notes of incidents, meetings, conversations going back to day 1. I really don't want to go the legal route but if I have to ..... Has anyone else had any experience with something like this? Please help.

Bessiemate · 28-02-2013 12:02am

byhookorbycrook wrote: »

In my experience, bullying is taken very seriously, thankfully. The communication you had with the school was brought before the board, I take it?Will you be meeting BOM or getting a written response?

Hi, we are told we will have their written response by Friday. When we questioned the Chairman (on the phone today) how will they discuss things when we haven't been met with by the school, he said he knew enough to make a decision. Also, he commented that our issue seems to be more to do with the little girls family rather than the girls. We don't know her family nor have we made reference to them at any stage.

marko747 · 28-02-2013 12:17am

I wonder after reading everything, based on the chairman's comments, do this girls family have any links to the board or school staff? they seem to be very biased for her. could u find out?
Also i think just the threat of legal action would be enough. it is very clearly a lack of care on their part. they have failed in their duty of care to your child. also the Constitution states that a child has the right to free education. if your daughter won't go to school etc because of this bullying which the school has failed to stop, couldn't it be argued that they have failed in their constitutional duty. i know this could appear OTT but perhaps it should be just pointed out in a nice little letter.
Hope this helps

Queen-Mise · 28-02-2013 1:10pm

Bessiemate wrote: »

Thanks everyone. My child is my priority. While pride wants to take the school to task I really only want this to STOP!

Exactly so - this stops this Friday.

Bessiemate wrote: »

I was thinking of getting her assessed but was wondering was I over-reacting. When I try and talk to her about the situation she covers her ears with her hands and says "mummy I don't want to talk about this".

This is not over-reacting. I think seeing all this in black & white on screen might be shocking you a tad. Your child is traumatised and having panic attacks, ffs. What would you tell an adult if they were in the same in a work situation - their mental health is more important than any job.
The other thing is - a child psychologist will be able to tell you exactly what to do to support your daughter - rather than you fumbling trying to do the right thing. (sorry).

Bessiemate wrote: »

She couldn't stop crying 2 weeks ago in the playground and my DH had to go and collect her. (I was away working). When he arrived she was so distraught he had to bring her to the gP to get her to breathe. The GP diagnosed a panic attack. He said it was a classic symptom of bullying and he sees it hundreds of times. He also said to be prepared for the school to find some reason why it is 'our' fault!!

I don't think panic attacks are that common in kids aged 7. Although he is probably right in the school trying to blame ye... 'ah she is over-protected', 'ah, she is spoilt or soft' or something in that vein. She is 7 - she is entitled to be 'soft' still - you'd expect her to be tougher in five or six years time, not now.

Bessiemate wrote: »

We had no contact from the school that day to see how she was even though it happened in their time on their property! Now we have to tell her when she feels it happening she is to blow out and catch her breath! I think this is a disgraceful situation to be in with our 7 yr old!

The lack of contact is probably not surprising. Schools don't tend to contact like that. And it is a disgraceful situation to be in.

Bessiemate wrote: »

We've considered changing schools but she has some lovely lovely little friends (who have all had issues with the other girl). We've organised some outside school activites with the other girls (dancing, hockey etc) to build confidence and this seems to be going well.
I'd hate to ruin that now - or would changing schools wreck her confidence?? I just don't know.
I have all my notes of incidents, meetings, conversations going back to day 1. I really don't want to go the legal route but if I have to ..... Has anyone else had any experience with something like this? Please help.

Changing schools won't affect her too much - little girls that age are generally sweet and helpful, also busybodies, nosy etc

. She would have no problem settling in anywhere else. Making friends isn't a problem for her. Children are resilient - but that doesn't mean we leave them in a horrid situation, because they will bounce back.
Leaving her where she is will wreck her confidence, moving her into a stress free environment would do her the world of good. Can you imagine her going into a new school from the 2nd, 3rd, 4th day absolute stress free... She or you probably don't realise how much the whole family is walking on tenterhooks.

Go up to your solicitor and ask the secretary to photocopy all your stuff. Let the solicitor look over it all and see what he/she suggests.

I am intrigued with the school automatically saying that you have a grudge against the other girl's family. It would be an easy solution for the school to say that it is personal and not a school solution.
I wonder if the school are more scared of them than you - defamation, discrimination etc etc.
And on another note - there isn't a lot the school can do about a 7 year old's behaviour. They can call the parents in - but if the parents aren't willing to help or be 'better' parents, that is all they can do. Their hands are tied. You can't expel a 7 year old or put them into detention. They are too small still.
And the other girl isn't necessarily a bad kid either - she is doing what she has been raised to do which she thinks is ok.

I have experience of this the other way - of someone trying to make a villian out of my daughter (also 7). Not fun - we knew them and they were coming to the door asking all kinds of stuff. We were going to school and the school had no problem. It was awful, and only lasted about six months for us.
I refuse to deal with it now and have stopped talking to the parent. I would have been giving my daughter a complex if I had let it continue.
I seriously considered moving her to a new school. Our son is in 5th Class and we have had no problems with him in 7 years of school.
Our daughter is in 1st - same as your own, and we have had a problem every year with the school and her. This is the last straw.
The next problem we have with the school - she will be moved elsewhere.

They are supposed to be professionals and we are entrusting them to educate our kids - they can do better than this.

Bullying in PS, where to go?

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