Helping our child deal with breakup?

LegacyUser

Mods – not sure if this should be in RI, PI or Parenting, feel free to move.

Myself and my long-term partner have decided to break up. It was a fairly amicable decision, and one that we’d been considering for a while, things just weren’t working out.

The really difficult part however, is still to come. My partner has a 7 year old daughter, who I adore. We get on really well. I’ve been a father figure to her since she was a toddler, as far back as she can remember.

While leaving her will be devastating for me (I’ll have to deal with this myself), what we’re concerned about is how to tell her, and help her deal with the separation. My partner has decided that they’ll move out and find somewhere else to live.

First of all – how do we actually tell her? Trying to find the words is difficult. I know we should reassure her that this wasn’t her fault and that we both love her, but I suppose there will be no easy way to break the news.

Secondly, where will my relationship with her go from here? I know she will want to continue to see me, and I will want to see her too, but as I’m not her father (not even her step-father technically, as myself and her Mum didn’t marry), is it appropriate? She sees her father about once a month, for the afternoon, no overnight stays. That’s his choice; he could see her more often if he chose to.

But is it appropriate for me to see her, take her to see my parents (who have also developed a grandparent-like bond with her), let her stay overnight in her old room? Myself and her Mum think it’s fine, if that’s what she wants. But is this frowned upon in society? Or if her Mum starts a new relationship would three separate father figures just be ridiculous, and signal my time to step away?

Has anyone else been in this position? I’m very confused about this.

Taltos

OP - I am moving this to Parenting as that would seem the best fit for you.
All the best with this issue.
Taltos

gabsdot40

IMO children can never have too many people in their lives that love them. If you've been around since the child was small and if she wants to continue the relationship then why not.

A friend of mine has a son who's birth father has never been around but he maintains a father son relationship with a man that she had a long term relationship with when he was small. He also has a new step father since his mother remarried recently.
It all works very well

araic88

I teach children around this child's age and they are totally oblivious to what might be "frowned upon in society" or "appropriate". If you, her mum and the child are happy then fec* everyone else I don't think it'd be frowned upon anyway, it's 2013!
I've a couple of kids at school who'll happily be making several mothers' day cards this week for foster mums/ dad's partner/ aunty etc. anyone who minds them like a mammy
I think it'd be nice if she knew you'd love to meet her when ye can and maybe ye could decide together when suits (I know kids can get very busy with friends & activities etc.) but kids recognise little things, they don't need to be spoilt - a simple thing like collecting her to bring her to a friend's birthday party shows you're there for her (and gives her mum a hand!)
Good Luck & as gabsdot says, a child never has too many people love them

Orion

ConfusedOP wrote: »

but as I’m not her father (not even her step-father technically, as myself and her Mum didn’t marry), is it appropriate? She sees her father about once a month, for the afternoon, no overnight stays. That’s his choice; he could see her more often if he chose to.

You are her father. You've been around raising her since she was a toddler - that's what a father is. It's good she has some sort of of relationship with her biological father but you are the man who's been around helping raise her. There is nothing in the slightest inappropriate about you wanting to continue that relationship with her.

Moonbeam

it is a really hard situation, we had a similar one, you explain to her that you love her and will always be there for her.
It probably need to be properly explained to her that you are not her father but have been her daddy. Discuss if you are going to have access etc with the mother and when she has a new partner that may long term become daddy what is to be done.
Feel free to pm me.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thank you all for your replies. Good advice and very reassuring. Well, we're going to tell her over the weekend. Won't be easy, but I'm hopeful that when the dust settles, she'll be doing just fine, and will know that I'm there for her.

Thanks again.

Morag

If she need help or starts to struggle I would suggest contacting Rainbows Ireland

http://www.rainbowsireland.com/

Welcome to Rainbows Ireland

Rainbows Ireland, a registered charity, is a peer-support programme to assist children and young people experiencing a significant loss in their lives through a death, separation or divorce in their family.