Taking daughter's friend on holiday - Contribution from the other family?

banbhaaifric

Does anyone have any advice they can give on, or experience of the following?

We hope to go on holidays this year with our 14 year old daughter and as it would be just the 3 of us she would like to bring a friend. We think this is a good idea too as she would be terminally bored spending the week just with us.

The difficulty is that we do not have a great amount of money. We are both self-employed and like everyone else have been hit by the recession. My husband now has to travel over to the UK alot to pick up work. I'm pretty good with money and have managed to squirrel away bits and pieces over the last few months, and between that and the change jar and a car boot sale we can afford to take the 3 of us away. I've found a week all inclusive for around €650 which would mean our costs are pretty fixed and we wouldn't spend the whole time worrying about money and the cost of things.

The question is - is there any way we could ask the parent of our daughter's friend to contribute something to the cost of the holiday? Not the full price you understand (although that would be great), just whatever they could manage.

We are conscious of a couple of things...

We don't want to embarrass the family if they really couldn't afford it.
They apparently don't have any holidays planned for the summer, but if they did contribute it might affect their budget for that holiday.
Is it just wrong to ask?
Would it also be wrong if we didn't ask, they offered, and we accepted some money towards the holiday?

Is the best policy to just be very honest with the other parents and say we would love to have their daughter, but explain we are literally emptying the change jar in order to afford the holiday? And maybe explain she would need almost no pocket money as all the drinks/snacks/ice cream she could eat will already have been paid for..?

Ultimately, if we go on the holiday, we will somehow find the money to bring our daughter's friend with us. We lost a baby before christmas and the whole family could do with something to look forward to.

We really, really don't want to do the wrong thing by our daughter's friend's family and so would appreciate any advice offered.

Thanks for taking the time to read!

January

I really think if you're going to ask can you bring their child away as company for your daughter that you shouldn't ask them to pay anything towards the cost. I don't think I could accept if they offered to pay either... but that would be just me, other people would probably have no problem.

up for anything

Sorry for your loss, OP.

I think that you should discuss it with your daughter's friend's parents. My son went away last year to Poland with his Polish friend and his mother and is going again in a couple of weeks. She was very upfront and said that they would love to have him with them but that she couldn't afford to pay for him to go with them and that I would have to pay for his ticket and spends but that she would cover his accommodation and food. I was delighted because I can't afford family holidays but this way I can manage to scrape together the fare and his spending money and he gets to go away, experience a different way of life and isn't sitting bored at home while all his friends go on holiday and during the constant penny pinching that takes place the rest of the year he can remember his trip and the excitement of it. I knew the first time that she takes very good care of her boy and would extend the same care to my son so I didn't have too many nightmares of him languishing in a Polish jail/brothel/sweatshop.

I also look after their little dog while they go away which saves them kennel fees and considering he is the most unhousetrained little mutt (older rescue dog) who pees up against anything and everything in my house that is pretty nice of me. :pac::pac:

There is no shame attached to your request to the family. The days are long gone of most families being able to afford an extra ticket and spending money for another person but there is a different generosity contained in your offer of a chance for their daughter to have a lovely holiday and her parents can rest content in the knowledge that you will look after her as you would your own daughter. I don't see much wrong in that.

leanonme

Sorry for your loss OP. When I was 16 My self and another friend went to turkey with my friend and her family. We covered all of our costs our selves, flights accommodation, etc etc. I think before you mention it to the friend you should speak to their parents inform them that your daughter would love some company on the holiday but that you cannot afford to pay for her, and that you would pay for x amount if they were willing to pay for some of it too, plus spending money.

The Big Red Button

When you say it would be €650 all inclusive - is that price just for the three of you, or would it go up much for a fourth person?

My own opinion would be that if you can't afford to bring her friend - don't ask them. You're putting them in a very awkward position by expecting them to pay any money towards it. And you mention that, even if they don't pay, you'll find the money one way or another to bring the friend - how awkward would that be, if you ask, they refuse as they can't afford it, then you say that you can afford it after all and they don't have to pay? It's just awkward and embarassing for all involved.

My own sister (who's 20) has gone on holidays every single summer with my aunt's family since she was around 5 or 6 - mostly in Ireland, and a couple of times to Spain. Our cousin is an only child a couple of years younger than my sister, and she'd have been very bored on the holidays with just her parents there, wouldn't have really been much of a holiday for her at all, as she's so used to that at home! While my parents would offer money, it would never be accepted ... however my parents return the favour in different ways, with gifts, bringing the parents out for meals, having their daughter stay with us for a couple of weeks each summer (they live a few hours drive away from our parents), etc.

So I wouldn't be surprised if this family did similar - they might surprise you with a nice gift in return, or perhaps next time they go on holidays, they'll bring your daughter with them without expecting money towards it.

If I were in your situation - if I could afford it, I'd bring the friend with no expectation of any payment or favours in return - anything you might get is a bonus. If you can't afford it, don't ask her to come, don't worry about it. And chances are your daughter might make friends on the holiday anyways, if it's a family-friendly place.

Oh, and enjoy the holiday!

joetoad

If you plan on bringing there daughter away you have to pay the full cost. Could you imagine saying to the friends parents I want to bring your child away on holiday to keep my daughter company, give me 300

Queen-Mise

joetoad wrote: »

If you plan on bringing there daughter away you have to pay the full cost. Could you imagine saying to the friends parents I want to bring your child away on holiday to keep my daughter company, give me 300

It funny - I would have no problem with someone saying that to me If someone is bringing my daughter on holidays - then I would expect to pay her part of the trip.

I would have a serious issue - if I thought they were asking for too much money and we were paying for part of their holiday costs but that is a different situation.

OP - have a chat with the other parents without mentioning it to the kids and see what their thoughts are. Say that you would love to have her with you and explain that money is tight - I would really be very surprised if they had a problem with it.

And if they do - then it is a no-go. Make sure the kids don't know, or else they may feel they are being guilted/pressured into it by the kids. Say it to them and let them think about it.

rorrissey

I don't think you should have to pay at all. When I went away with my friend last summer (I was 16) my parents paid for my flights and I saved my money so I could buy my own meals whenever we ate out. (my friend's family have an apartment in Spain so I didn't have to pay for accommodation.) I have never come across another family paying for their child's friend's holiday like that...

SusieBlue

I went away with my best friend and her family when I was your daughters age and I paid the full cost of the stay and brought my own spending money.

I'm not stingy at all but I highly doubt anyone in these recessionary times would expect their child to be going away free of cost if a friend asked them to come on holiday.

Would there be a way to contact the girls parents before telling the child about it? Say that you are booking a holiday and that you'd like her daughter to come for company and that it costs X amount of money. Say there's no pressure and that the invitation is there and leave it up to her.

Only speaking from experience but if my child was invited on a foreign holiday I would in no way expect the hosting family to pay for it at all and would pay for my child's share, as well as providing spending money.

Surely no one here would let their child go abroad with another family without expecting to contribute some (if not all) of the cost?

Justask

IMO no reasonable parent would expect u to pay. Would they??
You are good enough to bring their child away. I have done this and the parent automatically paid there was no asking.
When your asking them about bringing the child say something like "we got good value theres no hurry with the money"

Enjoy ur holiday

Toast4532

There is nothing wrong with asking the other family to pay towards/or all of the cost of their daughter going away.

A family member of mine once brought her friends son on holidays for a week abroad and his parents paid for his trip and his spending money was given to my relative and every morning she would give him some of it (his parents requested he wasn't given the money all at once as he would spend it then have nothing left).

I know if I was bringing a friends child abroad I would ask them for money towards it/the full cost, and if they couldn't afford it all at once, they could pay back something each week/month etc.

It's very generous of you to bring their child away, so expecting you to pay the full cost of it would be unreasonable on their behalf.

banbhaaifric

Thanks for much for all the replies everyone - sorry for being slow in replying (thought I was getting notifications but must have messed up somehow)

Just to clarify Fluffy Bunny Rabid, the cost of the holiday is 650 per person, so if we brought her that would be the extra amount. We wouldn't expect to get anything like that amount from the other girl's parents, just a contribution if possible.

We are trying to limit the unknown costs so everything is included in that (all drinks, snacks, icecreams, activites at the hotel etc), so our daughter's friend would need very little additional pocket money - maybe if she wanted to pick up some souveniers etc. I know it is expensive, but as they are both going on 15 they do not qualify for child prices/discounts. Also, we would just get a family room or one bed apartment normally, but as they are the age they are and my husband will be there too, we felt it more appropriate for them to have their own private space to sleep/dress etc in.

Just a couple of other background bits too.... We have, and will again this summer, take her to a holiday home my sister rents and of course will not be asking for any money for that. We will cover all her food, travel etc and she will just need some pocket money. I work from home and can work pretty much from anywhere as long as there is internet so we quite often pick up a few waifs and strays during the summer (which I love:p, it's great having a busy house).

Also, my daughter will be attending a concert in Dublin with this girl and they are bringing her and she will stay in the hotel with them (mother and daughter), but my daughter has to buy her own ticket.. Does this mean it is better or worse to ask

We don't know this girl's parents personally apart from meeting when collecting/dropping off, and I don't know if that makes things easier or harder..... At least if I make a total mess of everything I won't be losing a friend I suppose..... I would hate to make them uncomfortable though.

All opinions still more than welcome thank you! It is great to see the lay of the land out there, and great to hear the arrangements some of you have come to with other families. I'll keep you posted as to the developments!

Justask

How did it come about your daughter paying for her own concert ticket?

Have you asked the parents about the holiday? If so did they mention money at all?

Sorry bout all the Q's

Tazium

Get chatting and let them know the cost of the holiday. Explain as you have done here that you are doing your best and if they could contribute something it would really help ease the pressure.

Nothing wrong with that, I expect you'd be first to contribute if it was the other way round? Good luck with it all, and either way, have a great break.

banbhaaifric

JustAsk, daughter's friend was already going with her mum (Christmas present I think), and she invited my daughter along, but said she would have to get her own ticket.. I think they already had the hotel booked, and are driving up.

Problem with getting chatting Tazium is that we never see them really.. I'd have to engineer one. I guess I could just phone but it seems a bit impersonal.. Maybe I could just ring and say I'm making plans for the summer and wonder if I could call by for a quick chat. I could find out what dates suit for taking her daughter to the holiday home then too. Or would that sound like I'm trying to kidnap her entirely!!

bullpost

Theres the precedent.
They have no problem asking so neither should you.
Do it politely and explain your circumstances and I'm sure you'll work something that suits both out.

banbhaaifric wrote: »

JustAsk, daughter's friend was already going with her mum (Christmas present I think), and she invited my daughter along, but said she would have to get her own ticket.. I think they already had the hotel booked, and are driving up.

Justask

banbhaaifric wrote: »

JustAsk, daughter's friend was already going with her mum (Christmas present I think), and she invited my daughter along, but said she would have to get her own ticket.. I think they already had the hotel booked, and are driving up.

Problem with getting chatting Tazium is that we never see them really.. I'd have to engineer one. I guess I could just phone but it seems a bit impersonal.. Maybe I could just ring and say I'm making plans for the summer and wonder if I could call by for a quick chat. I could find out what dates suit for taking her daughter to the holiday home then too. Or would that sound like I'm trying to kidnap her entirely!!

So her parents dont know about this holiday at all?

Tbh I think u need to talk to the parents. It kinda sounds like your nervous of them.

pinkpencilcase

I regularly had friends come away with us when we were children because I was a little bit older than my sisters and it was nice to be able to have someone my own age to pal around with. My mum wouldn't have dreamt of taking any money for it and when I went away with my friends, their mum's wouldn't take anything from my mum. One thing my mum was strict about though was giving me a small allowance when I went away so that I could get some treats for the family I was staying with and pay for my own souvenirs and all that.

Now I know that's easier said that done OP, times were slightly different then, and a lot of the time it was just holidays in Ireland so really the only expense was on accom and excursions. I still think though that it would be rude to ask, but I'm woeful for asking for things to do with money! If someone offered to take my child away, I would definitely offer money towards it but I don't think you're in the position to bank on the fact that they might offer, because what if she doesn't?

I'm not having a go at all OP, I'm worried it might come across that way. Are you friendly enough with the child's mother so that you could casually mention it would be nice for your daughter to have some company on the holiday and see if she offered?

My aunt has an only child and she used to take a friend with her each time - I'll check in with her and see how see handled it

murria

We have a holiday home in Spain and have often taken our kids' friends with us. Obviously as we have the house there it only ever involves flights, but parents have always insisted on paying the moment we've invited their child, (as would I).

Flights are usually in the region of €200 - €250 and the parents think this great value for a 2, 3 or even 4 week holiday. They always bring a bit of spending money with them, but we treat them to theme park, water park, quads, meals out etc.

I suppose €650 is a lot to ask, but even if you offered to pay half they might be prepared to pay more depending on their own situation. For the record I would insist on paying if you were inviting a child of mine.

Hope this helps.

pinkpencilcase

I asked my aunt there. She said that they never asked for any money to take their daughters friend but that actually in some ways in worked out not too much more expensive to bring an extra because once there were two girls they would entertain each other instead of my aunt shelling out a fortune to entertain her daughter i.e. they could spend a free day at the beach, as opposed to taking her off camel trekking or something to keep her amused.

I think personally, I would just say to the mother (before the girls get involved) "We're thinking of booking a holiday abroad this summer. I was thinking that it might be nice for X to have your daughter's company. We could pay for the accommodation, if you were happy to pay for the flight. There's no pressure at all in your decision, I haven't mentioned it to the girls, and won't until you decide. It's X amount of euro." You'll get your answer then I guess!

MagicStars

Hi OP,

I don't think its really necessary to bring a friend at all for your daughter as it is only a weeks holiday. A week will fly by, and there will be other children around she could make friends with.
€650 is an awful lot of money especially when you don't have it, and what if the other family don't have it and are not able to contribute enough? I do think that since you want to bring their daughter away that you should pay for her and they pay for spending money etc.
Also does your daughter even want a friend to come? She may not have a problem being the only child.
I was always the only child on holidays and I never had a problem with it, I think it was nice to spend so much quality time with my parents.
Holidays should be completely stress free and this could be a bit of a stresser.

Sorry if I'm really negative, just my opinion.

Little My

I wouldn't if it was me. The OP doesn't seem to know the other girls family situation at all... do they have their own holidays planned? Do they have other children? Will they be able to fork out €650 for each child to go on holiday themselves?

€650 is a LOT of money - most people don't have that to spend on holidays per person. If it's too expensive for you to budget for this other girl, but it's really important that your daughter has company, then downsize your holiday plans. €650 per person? is €2600?? You can easily have a week's holiday many many places (not just Ireland) for much less than this. Plus, I don't mean to sound harsh, but as I read it this arrangement is more to benefit your daughter than the other girl, so the onus is kinda on you to budget for it.

My parents had a caravan at the beach in Donegal (which in those days cost next to nothing to be fair.) We never had foreign holidays, the summer was always spent at the caravan and every year I would have friends to stay for a week or two. My parents would never have asked for money, but my friends parents always sent their daughter with groceries or a new toy for both of us to play with.

It's not really a comparison, but in this case I really don't think you can ask for money. The girl would be gutted if she knew the invitation was there but declined (even if she doesn't know why it has been declined). But if you very much want her company, try and either pay it yourself or get a cheaper holiday. The parents might offer something anyway, but I think asking for it is wrong.

guppy

My daughter was brought away by friends 8 years ago and they didn't ask for anything (good thing, as they went to San Tropez :eek:). I did give them money on the morning they picked her up though, it was in an envelope with other vital documents so they couldn't refuse, but my daughter came home with the money untouched.

Personally, I would only offer if I could afford it all myself, unless you know the parents well. No point in building anyone's hopes up unnecessarily.

Daisy M

Could you look at going somewhere cheaper 650 seems an awful lot even if it is all inclusive. If you could find a holiday for 1950 for the four of you then your problem would be solved? Maybe if you give us an idea of where you would like to go we could give you some recommendations.

banbhaaifric

Thanks again for all the responses.

Little My and Daisy M I know you and many of the other posters are wondering why we are going on such an expensive holiday. There are 2 factors really. One is we looked into going abroad self-catering (ferry or fly drive and camping, self catering packages with budget etc) and then added on the predicted cost of meals, drinks, treats and activities etc and in most cases the all inclusive worked out as the same if not a cheaper option. It also means we wont be stressing with each request for a coke or an icecream, and most of the resorts lay on entertainment and activities so there would be plenty for the girls to do.
The other reason is that (and it is what it is, not an appeal to sympathy), we went on our honeymoon last autumn, but due to a mistake in the hospital, found out 2 days before we left that there was a chance our baby wouldn't survive. She was stillborn a few weeks after we came back. So although we tried not to think too much about it, our honeymoon was tinged with sadness and we feel like we need a bit of a 'do-over'.

Now, it's not up to our daughter's friend's family to subsidise our 'do over' holiday plans, but as I say, we only would like to ask if there is any chance they could contribute something. The offer is not contingent on them producing any money and certainly wouldn't be withdrawn if they just couldn't afford it. We would make sure the parents knew also that she would need almost no spending money, and would say something along the lines of "It would be great if you could contribute something, but please don't worry if it's just not possible."

Also, the posters who mentioned family holidays, staying in Ireland etc, I'd just like to mention that we will also be bringing her away for a week/2 weeks to a holiday home rented by my sister and will be asking for no contribution there. And there is also a possibility that she will come to London with us for a few days in July. We have work there and both girls would like to come along for the ride, but we would not ask for any contribution there either..


Magicstars not negative at all, but our daughter has asked if it is at all possible can she bring a friend. We went to France last year and everyone was either under 5 or over 60 so we really don't want a repeat of that.... She is a very good girl and would make friends eventually (if there is anyone!) but she is hoping for a partner in crime, not just for the holiday, but for the excitement of planning it and looking forward to it, and the inevitable giddy postmortems:)

Daisy M, thanks so much for the offer of help:), we would just like to go somewhere sunny and really aren't fussy (although I hate the atlantic coast :eek:), as long as there is a bit of a buzz in the hotel so the girls have something to do. I've looked everywhere, budget travel, first choice, all the budget search websites and haven't been able to find anything much cheaper than 600 for all inclusive... We even looked at the cost of driving to france and camping and by the time we added the ferry, petrol, food etc there wasn't that much difference (and I'd much rather get on a plane, be at a hotel, and not be counting my pennies every day..) I think a lot of additional costs can be hidden on holidays with meals out, taxis, soft drinks etc all adding up very quickly. With this option we have a fixed cost at the begining of the holiday and we can all eat drink and be merry without worrying that each additional item will push us over the daily budget. I looked at the cheapest self catering deal I could get on directholidays.ie, and the difference in price gave us 21.48 each to spend per day on all food, drinks and activities. Don't even talk to me about 'budget' travel. The prices on there were ridiculous:mad:

dzer2

Absolute madness we are back from a skiing holiday in Austria in January. The whole family of 7 thats 2 adults 4 children from 11 to 6 and an infant. We had the infant minded by private nanny and paid for lessons for 3 for the week. We rented a car and apartment and had to buy lift passes for 5 and ski rental for 6 Total cost 3275 euro. We have previously holidayed in Spain all six for 2500 included flights transfers apartment and spending money just think you are not looking hard enough and just want an easy way out.

guppy

dzer2 wrote: »

Absolute madness we are back from a skiing holiday in Austria in January. The whole family of 7 thats 2 adults 4 children from 11 to 6 and an infant. We had the infant minded by private nanny and paid for lessons for 3 for the week. We rented a car and apartment and had to buy lift passes for 5 and ski rental for 6 Total cost 3275 euro. We have previously holidayed in Spain all six for 2500 included flights transfers apartment and spending money just think you are not looking hard enough and just want an easy way out.

I don't think that's fair at all. Sure, you could look around day and night, get nighttime flights, accommodation that's far from a centre and get it cheap, but I don't think the op wants that. It's not always about the cheapest option, it's about the most suitable.

(btw, I went skiing 2years ago, cost us the guts of 6k, so fair play)

Queen-Mise

Just call around to the house when the kids are in school. If both parents are working - then ring them and ask can you meet one of them quickly at lunchtime.

Talk to them and find out.

Vandekyrian

I would be of the opinion that if you can only just afford to go yourself, bringing someone else just because you might feel sorry for them is not a good idea and could breed a few bad feelings in the end. Think it through very carefully.

Optimalprimerib

banbhaaifric wrote: »

Does anyone have any advice they can give on, or experience of the following?

We hope to go on holidays this year with our 14 year old daughter and as it would be just the 3 of us she would like to bring a friend. We think this is a good idea too as she would be terminally bored spending the week just with us.

The difficulty is that we do not have a great amount of money. We are both self-employed and like everyone else have been hit by the recession. My husband now has to travel over to the UK alot to pick up work. I'm pretty good with money and have managed to squirrel away bits and pieces over the last few months, and between that and the change jar and a car boot sale we can afford to take the 3 of us away. I've found a week all inclusive for around €650 which would mean our costs are pretty fixed and we wouldn't spend the whole time worrying about money and the cost of things.

The question is - is there any way we could ask the parent of our daughter's friend to contribute something to the cost of the holiday? Not the full price you understand (although that would be great), just whatever they could manage.

We are conscious of a couple of things...

We don't want to embarrass the family if they really couldn't afford it.
They apparently don't have any holidays planned for the summer, but if they did contribute it might affect their budget for that holiday.
Is it just wrong to ask?
Would it also be wrong if we didn't ask, they offered, and we accepted some money towards the holiday?

Is the best policy to just be very honest with the other parents and say we would love to have their daughter, but explain we are literally emptying the change jar in order to afford the holiday? And maybe explain she would need almost no pocket money as all the drinks/snacks/ice cream she could eat will already have been paid for..?

Ultimately, if we go on the holiday, we will somehow find the money to bring our daughter's friend with us. We lost a baby before christmas and the whole family could do with something to look forward to.

We really, really don't want to do the wrong thing by our daughter's friend's family and so would appreciate any advice offered.

Thanks for taking the time to read!

I would definitely talk to their parents first befor even mentioning it to your daughter as they may have their own plans. If they are anyway half decent, you should not even have to ask them to pay. They should offer

twowheelsonly

The fact that you'll be taking her on the 'home' holiday can be your excuse for a chat. Arrange to meet to discuss this years arrangements and slip in that you're going abroad for a week as well. Mention that you'd have no bother taking xxx along if she were interested in going and judge the reaction from there. You shouldn't have to outright state that you can't afford it and neither should they. Certainly don't have the discussion in front of the kids as that would be emotional blackmail.

Personally I'd have no problem paying for the trip for my daughter but to be perfectly honest if this was sprung on me tomorrow I'd have to work around it somehow as I just wouldn't have the money straight away!! As you say, you've been scrimping and saving for it - the others haven't so it could be a serious whack to them.