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What do you think of my lyrics?
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11-03-2013 8:32pm#1
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The clock ticks, as they talk,
The grass flicks where the walk,
Time passes by they start to run,
As reason slashes down below the sun
They run to an old broken roof
She smiles at him he can barely move
She looks at him stares into his eyes
He tries to hide the feelings that rise
Cause he nows,
Shes not after him, she wants someone else,
They won't come to be, anything else,
So he looks from her eyes,
Traps his feelings deep inside,
Where they will hide, always hide,
They sit and talk, rain pouring down,
It pits and patters, such a soothing sound,
Minutes like seconds hours like minutes,
Like in heaven, time feels infinite,
They realize, they've got to go,
Its getting to dark, getting too cold,
She looks at him, into his eyes,
Things inside her, try to hide,
Cause she knows,
Hes not after her, he wants someone else,
They won't come to, be anything else,
she tries not to cry, as he tears away his eyes,
two tears mix and hide, with the rain from outside,
I still have to right the outro, but please, give constructive critizism! Thanks if you took the time to read a
nd answer this
Very good Kev, I like the stark juxtaposition of words indicating movement such as: ticks, go, walk, run, rises, etc. with a stagnant relationship so obviously lacking in dynamism.
To be super critical, the crisp no-nonsense rhymes of the first verse quickly give way to some sloppy shoehorning, e.g. roof/move, having said that, the disintegration of the rhyming pattern could be read as analogous to the deterioration of the relationship itself.
Perhaps this was your intention, if so, then it's wickedly clever for one so young.
Well done, and keep it up!0 -
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MickFleetwood wrote: »Huh, must be. Won't let me edit a post either.
Weird.
I think you're prevented from editing a post after 48 hours.
To Kevj96,
If you pm a mod he/she will delete my post for you, hope this helps.
Good luck.0 -
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