pushy father

misspumpqueen

The Corinthian wrote: »

@misspumpqueen: Getting an an outside opinion that is not fuelled by emotions and fears it absolutely what you need to do. But do try to get an informed one; an opinion from someone who's not met or spoken to him is not much use.

Why not? As i've mentioned in my other posts, when he meets other people he is polite and quiet, far apart from the guy he is when he texts me or meets up with me. I think getting an outside opinion, from someone who has no emotional attachments to me or him, will help most as they will have a clearer idea of what is going on and be able to not get influenced by what he or myself says. The social worker may have experience of this already and ultimately will take the safety and well being of the child into account, not the parents emotions or feelings.

Big Bag of Chips

I'm not suggesting she tells him to piss off. Nor am I suggesting she only use him for what she can get out of him.

The hard truth is, for now, during the pregnancy she does not need him. She does not need to be in constant contact with him. If he is pushing contact because he is desperately afraid of losing access/rights whatever to his baby, then that is HIS problem.

She has told him, from what I can gather that she wants him in the child's life.. just that they will not be a couple. It is not her job to continue to reassure him and pacify him. He continues to push for a relationship that she doesn't want to happen. He needs to understand that it is his own actions that will force her to stay away from him.

This argument is going around in circles now. Any rights he wants will come into play once the baby is born. For now, he needs to get it into his head that there is not going to be a relationship. And if PHYSICALLY removing herself from him (while staying in limited contact through other means) is the only way she can get that through to him, then FOR NOW, that is what she needs to do.

misspumpqueen

The Corinthian wrote: »

So if her aim to to try to keep him involved, then further alienating him will end up doing the opposite. This doesn't mean that they should be seeing each other on a daily or even weekly basis or unsupervised, but telling him to piss off until the baby's born at which point she's only interested in talking to see what she can get out of him, is definitely not going to encourage involvement.

if you mean by getting money out of him, you're way off the case. i don't expect anything from this man in regards of payment. i understand that he may have to pay for maintenance but i don't expect it off him. i can't really tell him that he won't be involved and expect him to pay me. that's just outrageous. i am trying to get him to understand that he cannot force me, or anyone, to do what he wants. if he is told no, then that is it. i want him to back off, leave me alone in regards to us being together, and because he hasn't, then i am AFRAID of even trying to be friends with him. but i am going to try because i want my baby to have a father.

i am going to say this again. i want him to be in the baby's life, but that doesn't and shouldn't have to involve meeting up all the time, texting all the time, or inviting him to everything. It also shouldn't have to involve constantly telling him we can't be in a relationship. i am not meeting him soon because i want to get my head straight as to what is going to happen after she is born. not for any other reason.

i know you may think that what i'm doing is unfair, that is situation is awful, that he has no rights, but that's the way it is. i didn't ask for this. i would be glad to give him all the rights he deserves but only if he EARNS it. and at the moment he isn't.

i am not cutting him out of my life because i am a cold hearted b*tch. i have tried EVERYTHING to get through to him that i want him there for the baby, but not as a boyfriend. but he STILL hasn't got it. it's very hard for me having to CONSTANTLY let someone down, to have to constantly tell them you don't love them, and i do feel like a HORRIBLE person sometimes, but can you really put yourself in my position? i am 5 months pregnant, trying to keep myself healthy, happy and fit, but this man is dragging me down because he just cannot accept we are over. it's exhausting. i am trying to be fair, i understand he has rights to see her and everything else, but he has to earn that right. if he is hassling me constantly about getting back together, or living together or whatever, it's going to make me very reluctant to hand my baby over to him. if he was irish, i would feel the exact same way. it has nothing to do with race.

once again, i am trying my best here. it's really getting on top of me now because i'm being pulled two ways all the time. i wonder if i'm being too harsh on him, or if i'm doing the right thing. i won't know. and no one will know until the baby gets here. i probably went off on a bit of a tangent here, but i just am sick of having to explain my situation. i am NOT a bad person.

The Corinthian

misspumpqueen wrote: »

Why not?

Because otherwise they'll have as speculative opinion of the situation as we have here and that doesn't engender objective advice.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I'm not suggesting she tells him to piss off. Nor am I suggesting she only use him for what she can get out of him.

Well, it's what you wrote.

The hard truth is, for now, during the pregnancy she does not need him. She does not need to be in constant contact with him. If he is pushing contact because he is desperately afraid of losing access/rights whatever to his baby, then that is HIS problem.

Until being alienated so convinces him that he's better off vanishing, then it'll be hers, and the child's.

Don't get me wrong; I've consistently said that she should set boundaries and let him understand there are consistences to not respecting those boundaries, and that if she meets him at all, it should be supervised and focused on only the child. Or that it need not be all that frequent.

But let's not through the baby out with the bathwater, if you'll excuse the expression.

The Corinthian

misspumpqueen wrote: »

if you mean by getting money out of him, you're way off the case.

I never said this was your approach! I was just responding to something Big Bag of Chips suggested you say to him and how this would sound to any man in his situation - that he's only there as a resource, otherwise superfluous.

Honestly, I never accused you of anything and am fully aware that you're doing your best.

Big Bag of Chips

I would like you to reread what I actually wrote, and to not put your own spin on it.

I said FOR now, during the pregnancy she does not need to see him. This is in the context of every time she does see him he tries to force the relationship back on her.

Someone else posted that the only contact they need have is to discuss the baby.

I said they can be in contact, through text etc about what the baby needs (and I don't just mean financially... I mean access to her dad etc...) and what he might provide for when she is born. By this I DO mean what he can buy when the time comes.

Do most parents not talk about what they need to get for the baby? Prams, cots etc? Why should it be different for them because they are not together? The baby will still need the stuff.

Nowhere did I suggest that she tells him to piss off and just use him for what she can get, like you accused me of. So I would appreciate if you not twist my advice further.

Edit:

The Corinthian wrote: »

I was just responding to something Big Bag of Chips suggested you say to him

Where did I suggest she say anything to him? I suggested any contact they had should only be discuss the baby.. Meaning if HE contacts HER it should be to discuss the baby and what she needs/what he might provide. Not that she rings him up demanding things.

You're reading me all wrong, The Corinthian!

January

I suggest the both of you, The Corinthian and Big Bag of Chips, stop your sniping at each other and take it to PM if you want to carry on the current argument.

LegacyUser

Sorry to barge in here.

OP, you might keep in mind that he is from a different country, with a different language probably, maybe a different religion too, and very likely a different set of assumptions and expectations. All these differences are floating around, informing, and undercutting every conversational exchange you have. Always keep this in the back of your mind.

Feelings change. He will not be in love with you forever, but he will be your child's father forever. It may also transpire that once his feelings for you fade, his interest in the child will too. It's not an inevitability but it is a possibility and it does happen.

While this period is topsy turvy, be prepared for it to take a year or two to iron things out. It can take that long even between people who share the same background. Don't throw in the towel too soon. He no doubt will have a stronger interest in staying in the country if he has a child here. This of course can change too. If you want your child to know him, it is in your interest that he is able to stay in the country, so it kind of is your problem, unless you want to travel with your child to his home country, which will be expensive and troublesome. And that will be even more your problem.

What you want now is a peaceful pregnancy, you may or may not get it, not everyone does , though everyone should. Keep to your space, let him have his so he can move forward, and that also means not calling him for help, even when you are 8 months pregnant and carry the groceries or the car seat home from the shop because that would send a mixed message. It may also make him feel needed, which can be a good or bad thing, depending n how you look at it. Ask him if he has any ideas for names for the child, send your proposals to him too, and after the child is born and you have recovered from childbirth and gotten more stable and less tired, sort out a parenting plan with him.

If you do choose to involve a third party, choose someone you can both trust and relate to, otherwise you will make a big mess, particularly pick someone who understands both your cultures and languages. A third party can help, but also seriously backfire, so be wise with that.

Be good to yourself. You cannot get this time back or the time with your new baby, it goes and it's irretrievable, work together to make it the best you can. And good luck with your new blessing.

Queen-Mise

misspumpqueen wrote: »

once again, i am trying my best here. i am NOT a bad person.

Missus - you are most definitely NOT a bad person. You are trying to muddle though a messy situation and do the right thing by someone else, yourself and your unborn child.

That someone else has their agenda and is trying to do what they think is the right thing:eek:

Make sure to go over to the pregnancy forum and chat to some of the women there and use the support & also as a place to vent.
I hated being pregnant with a vengeance - the hormones, mood swings drove me nuts (and the people around me also.) You are dealing with this alone essentially - you may have support from your family, etc; but you are on your own doing it. Do not underestimate how hard that is.



I am going to ask some hard questions below - but I am a believer in facing the worst of our fears and saying them outright whatever they are. Very rarely, do they ever happen.

I think the father's nationality is very important in their situation. If they are in the EU - then it is no real problem then travelling back and forth to this country. Or even yours to theirs in a few years. The US, OZ, NZ, etc -although further and more expensive, travelling shouldn't be a problem.
This situation changes entirely for other nations.

Do you think that the father wants to be in a man/wife relationship rearing a child?

Does he want to be a Dad to a child and is terrified of you cutting of all contact?

Do you think OP that the father is looking for his name to be put on the birth certificate so he can begin to claim Irish residency (or some such thing)?

Is the father from a country - that if he kidnapped the child, it would be really hard to recover the child from?



Apologies for the last question - but that is the one that would plague my head. And there has been some horrific stories in the paper.

His behaviour hasn't been particularly reassuring either. There is not a lot you can do until you talk to the social worker. I would also be inclined to talk to a solicitor specialized in family law. You can always start the process of setting up some visitation rights.

Telling him this would achieve a few different things for the two of you
1) it would allay any fears of his that you were cutting him out of his child's life
2) it would make it forceful that the two of you are not a couple
3) You would find out your rights/ and follow your solicitors advice completely & implicitly

It is an interesting question the one you posed in your opening post OP. Did he in someway get your deliberately pregnant? It is a moot point now anyway, as you are pregnant.

How would you feel if your child was used by someone to gain residency in this country?
Would you be happy if he did gain residency, as then he would be here to play a part in his child's life and she would have a father?

Personally, I would be very uncomfortable being used like that, if it was the case.

Mind yourself OP - and remember you are pregnant. Reason and pregnancy are not usually in the same sentence.

Keep yourself mentally well. You will need all the strength you have over the coming six months. New born's are hard work.

misspumpqueen

Queen-Mise wrote: »

Missus - you are most definitely NOT a bad person. You are trying to muddle though a messy situation and do the right thing by someone else, yourself and your unborn child.

That someone else has their agenda and is trying to do what they think is the right thing:eek:

Make sure to go over to the pregnancy forum and chat to some of the women there and use the support & also as a place to vent.
I hated being pregnant with a vengeance - the hormones, mood swings drove me nuts (and the people around me also.) You are dealing with this alone essentially - you may have support from your family, etc; but you are on your own doing it. Do not underestimate how hard that is.



I am going to ask some hard questions below - but I am a believer in facing the worst of our fears and saying them outright whatever they are. Very rarely, do they ever happen.

I think the father's nationality is very important in their situation. If they are in the EU - then it is no real problem then travelling back and forth to this country. Or even yours to theirs in a few years. The US, OZ, NZ, etc -although further and more expensive, travelling shouldn't be a problem.
This situation changes entirely for other nations.

Do you think that the father wants to be in a man/wife relationship rearing a child?

Does he want to be a Dad to a child and is terrified of you cutting of all contact?

Do you think OP that the father is looking for his name to be put on the birth certificate so he can begin to claim Irish residency (or some such thing)?

Is the father from a country - that if he kidnapped the child, it would be really hard to recover the child from?



Apologies for the last question - but that is the one that would plague my head. And there has been some horrific stories in the paper.

His behaviour hasn't been particularly reassuring either. There is not a lot you can do until you talk to the social worker. I would also be inclined to talk to a solicitor specialized in family law. You can always start the process of setting up some visitation rights.

Telling him this would achieve a few different things for the two of you
1) it would allay any fears of his that you were cutting him out of his child's life
2) it would make it forceful that the two of you are not a couple
3) You would find out your rights/ and follow your solicitors advice completely & implicitly

It is an interesting question the one you posed in your opening post OP. Did he in someway get your deliberately pregnant? It is a moot point now anyway, as you are pregnant.

How would you feel if your child was used by someone to gain residency in this country?
Would you be happy if he did gain residency, as then he would be here to play a part in his child's life and she would have a father?

Personally, I would be very uncomfortable being used like that, if it was the case.

Mind yourself OP - and remember you are pregnant. Reason and pregnancy are not usually in the same sentence.

Keep yourself mentally well. You will need all the strength you have over the coming six months. New born's are hard work.

Thanks for your reply. A lot of the questions you have posted here are ones I've been asking myself. My parents ask them too.

I think he does want to be in a man/wife relationship, he said before he wanted to marry me, after only a few months. I said no automatically and that there was no way we were going to get married. Then he said about living together. Again, i said no. He obviously still thinks there is a chance and that must be why he isn't letting it go. My mum suggested that maybe someone is telling him i'm only acting like this because of the hormones, that when the baby is born it will be different, and perhaps he is being told this, and if that's the case, then i need to drill it in to him that nothing is EVER going to happen.
He's not from the EU, OZ, or USA. He is African. I won't say which country. And mods, i am not slamming him for being African. I am not against any race what so ever. I do worry about him kidnapping the child, I would worry no matter what nationality he was, it's just the way his attitude is, nothing to do with his race.
Tbh, I'm not sure if he is terrified of me cutting all contact. I don't know any of these answers, about getting legal citizenship or anything, because if i asked him, he would obviously deny it. I mentioned to him before that he doesn't get automatic citizenship here after having a baby, and he didn't like hearing that.
I am trying to look after myself. I know i should be staying calm for the baby but it all gets too much sometimes. One of the reasons I broke up with him was because i was suffering from mental health issues and couldnt deal being in a relationship. He hasn't taken any of this on board. This time next week I will have had the social worker meeting and hopefully will know a lot more. Thanks again.