Bisexual girl in straight LTR

Both Teams Dublin

Hello all,

I am a bisexual girl in a straight long-term relationship and am currently finding it very difficult to suppress a whole integral half of my sexuality. My partner knows that I'm bisexual and that I've had same sex relationships in the past but we are in a committed monogamous relationship and the idea of me having permission to pursue something with a woman is not considered any different to cheating on him with another man. While I accept and respect this, my desire to be with a woman has reached the point where I obsess about it constantly and am beginning to resent its enforced absence in my life. I have cheated on previous boyfriends with women (never with men) but really don't want to do this again. I realise that the obvious answer to some people might be to invite a girl into a threesome that both my boyfriend and I could enjoy but, having had MFF threesomes before, I know the dynamics of those experiences are very different to FF encounters. I also feel that expecting another girl to be relegated to the role of mutual, convenient plaything is somewhat insulting.

Anyway, I would greatly appreciate any advice as to how I might try to either manage these feelings or this situation.

Many thanks.

GRMA

Do your boyfriend a favour and break up with him if you can't hack it - as it seems you can't.

ashers222

Are you happy with you BF? Sexuality aside, if you are looking for satisfaction outside your relationship maybe it's because of other things. Either work on it or take a break for a while? Only advice I can offer really.

Tasden

GRMA wrote: »

Do your boyfriend a favour and break up with him if you can't hack it - as it seems you can't.

Yeah tbh I wouldn't think sexuality is important here- you have a desire to be with someone other than your parrner- male/female doesn't really matter, leave your partner if you feel this way.

smcgiff

Pretty much everybody in a relationship will feel attracted to others outside their steady relationship. You need to decide if being in your current relationship outweighs the lack of freedom.

Both Teams Dublin

Are any of the posters who replied bisexual? It really is not simply a case of generally seeking satisfaction outside of the relationship. I am very very much in love with my boyfriend.

ashers222

Both Teams Dublin wrote: »

Are any of the posters who replied bisexual? It really is not simply a case of generally seeking satisfaction outside of the relationship. I am very very much in love with my boyfriend.

no but I've been with plenty of bi girls. Would never be anything more than something to satiate their desire momentarily. Always wanting to have their cake and eat it. It's just selfish tbh.

smcgiff

I imagine all posters are sexual.

Both Teams Dublin

ashers222 wrote: »

no but I've been with plenty of bi girls. Would never be anything more than something to satiate their desire momentarily. Always wanting to have their cake and eat it. It's just selfish tbh.

I'm sorry...bisexuality is "selfish"?

Does anyone have anything constructive to say to try and help me with this situation, or can I expect all of the replies to be critical of the difficult and compex feelings that I am having? I am a real person -- please reply with some humanity.

Ilik Urgee

Has your OH known from the off of your bisexuality?

ashers222

Both Teams Dublin wrote: »

I'm sorry...bisexuality is "selfish"?

Does anyone have anything constructive to say to try and help me with this situation, or can I expect all of the replies to be critical of the difficult and compex feelings that I am having? I am a real person -- please reply with some humanity.

no, wanting both at the same time is. I was always of the opinion bisexual meant you were attracted to both sexes, any bi girl I've met seems to think it means wanting and having both at the same time. You're in a relationship.

smcgiff

Both Teams Dublin wrote: »

I'm sorry...bisexuality is "selfish"?

Does anyone have anything constructive to say to try and help me with this situation, or can I expect all of the replies to be critical of the difficult and compex feelings that I am having? I am a real person -- please reply with some humanity.

Can't believe someone came out with the bi-sexual is selfish rubbish. I'm going to leave it there. Good luck.

Tasden

Both Teams Dublin wrote: »

I'm sorry...bisexuality is "selfish"?

Does anyone have anything constructive to say to try and help me with this situation, or can I expect all of the replies to be critical of the difficult and compex feelings that I am having? I am a real person -- please reply with some humanity.

As is your partner. If you want to be with a woman thats your choice but you need to leave your partner first. Otherwise its just something you have to let pass. Wanting to be in a relationship with someone but also be with someone else is IMO selfish. Nothing to do with bisexuality.
What has been said is constructive. Leave your partner and be with a woman if its somthing you want to do.

GRMA

Both Teams Dublin wrote: »

Are any of the posters who replied bisexual? It really is not simply a case of generally seeking satisfaction outside of the relationship. I am very very much in love with my boyfriend.

Your sexuality doesn't matter in this case. What do you expect, some sort of a by or an excuse to sleep with someone else because you are bi?

EVERYONE at one time or another resents to some degree the lack of sexual freedom in a relationship - maybe you are not cut out for a monogamous relationship. You go on as if it is an inevitability that you will cheat "I don't want to do that this time" and go on to suggest a threesome as a way to prevent that.

Get real.

This is very simple, if you can't hack being in a committed relationship with your boyfriend then don't be, end it - its not fair on him if you don't think you will be able to "cope" with it and might end up cheating on him down the line as you have on other boyfriends, ("only with women", what difference does that make!?) or end up resenting him.

Commit to a monogamous relationship or end it - sin é.

ashers222

smcgiff wrote: »

Can't believe someone came out with the bi-sexual is selfish rubbish. I'm going to leave it there. Good luck.

o eat me. Being in a relationship and wanting to be with someone else regardless of sexuality is just selfish and using the excuse it's because of your needs as a bisexual is rubbish.

jaffacakesyum

Bisexual female here. I don't think there's much advice people can give you. The options are you and your partner agree to have an open relationship where you can sleep with other women (already said that's not an option for you two) or have a three some (not an option either) or you take a break from your relationship to pursue your interests in women.

Those are the only options I'm afraid. I don't doubt that you love your boyfriend very much but you have to make the decision as to whether you love him enough not to be with women or do you need that sexual freedom?

I completely understand about the pursuing other women while in a relationship. I know some men have no problem with their girlfriend sleeping with other women without them, yet if they were to do that with men it would be cheating?! It's stupid in my opinion. Either you're allowed to kiss/sleep with other people full stop or you're not.

Both Teams Dublin

smcgiff wrote: »

I imagine all posters are sexual.

Being hetrosexual or homosexual involves attraction to a single sex. My problem is specifically linked to the fact that I am equally attracted to both. A hetro/homosexual's desire to pursue something outside of a relationship might imply dissatisfaction with their partner. If I were desiring something with another male it might imply dissatisfaction with my partner. But I am experiencing a desire to be with a female - not even a specific female - so it is directly related to my bisexuality rather than a general desire to be with someone other than my partner. Bisexuality is very difficult and this issue is something that I think other bisexuals would have particular insight into.

smcgiff

ashers222 wrote: »

o eat me. Being in a relationship and wanting to be with someone else regardless of sexuality is just selfish and using the excuse it's because of your needs as a bisexual is rubbish.

The being bi is selfish is a dumb cliche

jaffacakesyum

ashers222 wrote: »

no, wanting both at the same time is. I was always of the opinion bisexual meant you were attracted to both sexes, any bi girl I've met seems to think it means wanting and having both at the same time. You're in a relationship.

Seems you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder about bisexuals there :rolleyes:

OP, other posters are being harsh here; I do understand your predicament but really as I've said, there's no solutions. Either you're committed to your boyfriend or not. It's not an easy decision to make I know.

ashers222

smcgiff wrote: »

The being bi is selfish is a dumb cliche

well maybe you should stop taking what I said out of context ad propagating it. I said wanting both at the same time is.

Tasden

Both Teams Dublin wrote: »

Being hetrosexual or homosexual involves attraction to a single sex. My problem is specifically linked to the fact that I am equally attracted to both. A hetro/homosexual's desire to pursue something outside of a relationship might imply dissatisfaction with their partner. If I were desiring something with another male it might imply dissatisfaction with my partner. But I am experiencing a desire to be with a female - not even a specific female - so it is directly related to my bisexuality rather than a general desire to be with someone other than my partner. Bisexuality is very difficult and this issue is something that I think other bisexuals would have particular insight into.

When I'm in a relationship with someone I am faithful to that person- male or female. If I felt that I wanted to be with someone else I would end it out of respect for that person. Its very simple.

smcgiff

While you're not able to fully explore your sexual preferences with a man is somewhat different i grant you. But the relationship element remains.

If I was in a relationship with a woman that didn't like S&M should I be allowed to seek this desire elsewhere?

ashers222

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

Seems you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder about bisexuals there :rolleyes:

OP, other posters are being harsh here; I do understand your predicament but really as I've said, there's no solutions. Either you're committed to your boyfriend or not. It's not an easy decision to make I know.

ahh ffs. Grand.

Ilik Urgee

ashers222 wrote: »

well maybe you should stop taking what I said out of context ad propagating it. I said wanting both at the same time is.

I don't think so,but hey, that's me.

ashers222

Ilik Urgee wrote: »

I don't think so,but hey, that's me.

maybe it feels that way to the other people involved, particularly if they are in a committed relationship.

Both Teams Dublin

GRMA wrote: »

Your sexuality doesn't matter in this case. What do you expect, some sort of a by or an excuse to sleep with someone else because you are bi?

EVERYONE at one time or another resents to some degree the lack of sexual freedom in a relationship - maybe you are not cut out for a monogamous relationship. You go on as if it is an inevitability that you will cheat "I don't want to do that this time" and go on to suggest a threesome as a way to prevent that.

Get real.

This is very simple, if you can't hack being in a committed relationship with your boyfriend then don't be, end it - its not fair on him if you don't think you will be able to "cope" with it and might end up cheating on him down the line as you have on other boyfriends, ("only with women", what difference does that make!?) or end up resenting him.

Commit to a monogamous relationship or end it - sin é.

Regarding cheating, I didn't say "I don't want to do that this time", I said "I don't want to do that again". I want to find a way to manage my bisexual feelings when I'm in a relationship. That's what my post was about. I have said that I AM committed to my monogamous relationship but am having difficulty with these feelings. Your response acts as though I am guilty of something, rather than trying to responsibly manage the situation. Why is everyone here being so agressive and accusatory? I asked for help.

smcgiff

ashers222 wrote: »

well maybe you should stop taking what I said out of context ad propagating it. I said wanting both at the same time is.

You'll need to be more articulate in future as that's not how it came across.

ashers222

smcgiff wrote: »

You'll need to be more articulate in future as that's not how it came across.

You'll need to read more carefully in future then as I made it very clear. There's a bit of a distinction between polyamory and bisexuality OP, maybe you should look into it as it seems something you might be more suited to.

Both Teams Dublin

Ilik Urgee wrote: »

Has your OH known from the off of your bisexuality?

Yes, I have been entirely open with him from the beginning. He also knows that I had a same-sex affair during a previous relationship.

GRMA

Both Teams Dublin wrote: »

Regarding cheating, I didn't say "I don't want to do that this time", I said "I don't want to do that again". I want to find a way to manage my bisexual feelings when I'm in a relationship. That's what my post was about. I have said that I AM committed to my monogamous relationship but am having difficulty with these feelings. Your response acts as though I am guilty of something, rather than trying to responsibly manage the situation. Why is everyone here being so agressive and accusatory? I asked for help.

You've been given advise. It mightn't be the advice you want, but it is what it is.


Look, it's one or the other, either you stay in a committed monogamous relationship with the person you love, or you break up with him if you want sexiual relations outside the relationship that much. It's that simple.

smcgiff

Just added someone to my ignore list for the first time ever

ashers222

lol

MagicMarker

You say you're trying to "responsibly" manage the situation, well you're not. You're looking for a way to have your cake and eat it.

It's really very simple, you want to be with other people, your boyfriend doesn't want you to be with other people. So decide which you want more, do you want to be with other people or do you want to be with your bf? There is no middle ground, you can't have both.

jaffacakesyum

ashers222 wrote: »

ahh ffs. Grand.

You're implying a huge generalisation on bisexual women but covering it by saying "Any bisexual I've met is ____" rather than "All bisexuals are___".

That's what it appears to me anyway.

ashers222

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

You're implying a huge generalisation on bisexual women but covering it by saying "Any bisexual I've met is ____" rather than "All bisexuals are___".

That's what it appears to me anyway.

I said the bisexual women I met seem to think bisexuality means having both at the same time. The OP is expressing the same need. Maybe I'm mistaken but I thought bisexuality just meant that you are capable of being attracted to both. Never thought it meant wanting both at the same time. Always cake and eat it situation. ALWAYS.

(the day I meet one who is happy to be in a monogamous relationship I'll let you know. cue b&c to tell us about her bi gf and how possible it is in 5..4..)



(also, fwiw I know quite a lot of bi girls but at this stage they know me well enough to know I'm not ever going to be interested in being with them so we remain friends and that's ok too. In fact I'm getting ready to go meet my bisexual female friend and spend the afternoon in a beergarden cuz its paddys day and I couldn't be arsed taking the slack for someone elses problems on boards.)

Ilik Urgee

OP if you've reasoned with him and indeed he's still adamant that you've to remain monogamous,it's looking likelier you've only one choice if you want to pursue other relationships.
It's a big price to pay, and it's one that only you can decide. If it were me, I'd live with what I love.

Avasa

I think loving someone and being satisfied with the relationship as a whole are two very different things. If your craving someone else badly then maybe take a look at your relationship again. Genitals aside, I havent found sex with either to be very different. Its the individual that makes the experience, as in maybe its another personality type/sexual role that you are craving? Have you considered that you might be exclusively interested in women? Your bf could just be a really great guy and good friend.

jaffacakesyum

ashers222 wrote: »

I said the bisexual women I met seem to think bisexuality means having both at the same time. The OP is expressing the same need. Maybe I'm mistaken but I thought bisexuality just meant that you are capable of being attracted to both. Never thought it meant wanting both at the same time. Always cake and eat it situation. ALWAYS.

(the day I meet one who is happy to be in a monogamous relationship I'll let you know. cue b&c to tell us about her bi gf and how possible it is in 5..4..)



(also, fwiw I know quite a lot of bi girls but at this stage they know me well enough to know I'm not ever going to be interested in being with them so we remain friends and that's ok too. In fact I'm getting ready to go meet my bisexual female friend and spend the afternoon in a beergarden cuz its paddys day and I couldn't be arsed taking the slack for someone elses problems on boards.)

You are incredibly ignorant and close-minded and I actually do feel sorry for you. I know you'll laugh it off and you won't care, and you won't change your views despite if anyone tries to educate you, which is fine. But I really pity someone who thinks something...anything, of a whole section of society be that because of race, gender or sexuality. It's a pathetic way to live really.

Anyway, I'm glad the bisexual people you know know to stay away from you. Dodging a bullet and all that Happy paddys day.

Annasopra

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

You are incredibly ignorant and close-minded

While I appreciate you disagree with the views of ashers22 please in future do not say things like this to another poster. Attack the post not the poster.

baby and crumble

ashers222 wrote: »

(the day I meet one who is happy to be in a monogamous relationship I'll let you know. cue b&c to tell us about her bi gf and how possible it is in 5..4..)

Well now. Aren't you lovely? What exactly did I do to cause you to bring me into a thread for no apparent reason?

Yes, my GF is bi. And yes, she is in a monogamous relationship with me. Why is that an apparent problem for you? Because it wrecks your "bi girls always want both at the same time" thesis? I am 100% sure that my gf fancies men. I'm sure she misses elements of sex with them. That's not my problem though.That's her private life and her private desires and so long as she is happy to remain faithful to me, then she can think whatever she likes, just like I can. If she felt like the OP and wanted to talk to me about it, then we'd have to do that.

And anyway, I thought the idea of boards was for discussion, and sharing experiences and advice. My experience is just as valid as anyone elses, and just because you don't like it doesn't mean you can get snotty with me.

As for the OP. I'm not entirely sure what you want from us here. The fact remains you are in a monogamous relationship. If you want to be with women then you need to either talk to your partner about opening your relationship up, or else break it off and pursue this desire for women that you have. Anything other than that is cheating, which I know you don't want to do. You have every right to want experiences/ a relationship with a woman, but your partner also has the right to be respected.

Annasopra

Ashers22 was given a 2 day ban

jaffacakesyum

mango salsa wrote: »

While I appreciate you disagree with the views of ashers22 please in future do not say things like this to another poster. Attack the post not the poster.

In my view it is attacking the post, same way as if someone was to come along and say "all filthy n****rs are lazy and dumb" I'd quite happily say they are ignorant, close-minded and racist. It's evident from the post. Same way if someone makes generalisations about gender, sexuality or identity, I will call them out on being close-minded and ignorant, if it is evident from the post.

But fair enough, wil take the warning on board.

riclad

Are ,nt most people in a serious relationship faithful to one person ?
A man or woman may be attracted to someone else ,but most people choose to remain faithful to one person.
Unless its an open relationship.
Maybe just explain how you feel, to your boyfriend and see what his reaction is.
eg you want to go off ,and have sex with another woman.
IS,nt it possible to be in love with someone,but the sexual relationship ,is not perfect,or does,nt fulfill all your needs.
I presume married people sometimes feels attracted to other people,
even if still in love ,but choose not to act on it, most of the time.
Maybe your boyfriend may think about it,for a while
and say ok, go ahead,
as long as its just a sexual thing ,if it will save your present relationship.
ie you are not looking for a romantic relationship with another woman.

eg One romantic relationship is enough for you., if you feel that way.

Saying someone bi ,is selfish is just ridiculous.

fleur du mal

I'm very familiar with the feelings you're experiencing.. I used to have a friend with benefits in the past and that really was sort of a solution for some time, however she has left the country now and, while my partner has unwillingly given me the permission to explore my sexuality, I'm not interested in pursuing meaningless sexual relationships, even though I am primarily attracted to my own sex and can't find full satisfaction in sex with a man. I can see how other people might interpret this as selfishness but love and sexual attraction are two very different things and don't unfortunately always come hand in hand, at least for me they don't.

Calhoun

fleur du mal wrote: »

while my partner has unwillingly given me the permission to explore my sexuality, .

Interesting choice of words, its worded in a way that suggest the blame lies with the partner or the partner is being controlling.

As many have said before this isn't an issue of sexual preference its more a relationship preference issue. The OP and yourself want an open relationship your partners want a monogamous one, you have a choice here which is to break up and find someone who would be more accepting of an open relationship but you cannot have your cake and eat it.

What i would suggest though is to stop thinking about this solely from yourside, try understand the views of someone who looks at things from a monogamous perspective. No matter what they will never look at it as just sex, so from that point of view do you think your in the right relationship? or can you accept them for who they are and abide by there point of view?

fleur du mal

Calhoun wrote: »

Interesting choice of words, its worded in a way that suggest the blame lies with the partner or the partner is being controlling.

It actually wasn't meant like that at all. I am very lucky to have such a supportive boyfriend, however it obviously wasn't easy for him to come to terms with this, hence the word 'unwillingly'.

Medme

Here's a thought... OP have you ever had a same sex relationship, aside from the same sex affairs when you were in straight relationships before? If it was the case that all your previous gay relations were when you were already with a bf it might be that the desire now is for the affair/excitement/new peep/whateve, rather than it being a bisexual 'issue'...

*not in any way judging you btw - I'm bi, I get it. ****s me off no end the whole bi selfish brigade

MagicMarker

fleur du mal wrote: »

I'm very familiar with the feelings you're experiencing.. I used to have a friend with benefits in the past and that really was sort of a solution for some time, however she has left the country now and, while my partner has unwillingly given me the permission to explore my sexuality, I'm not interested in pursuing meaningless sexual relationships, even though I am primarily attracted to my own sex and can't find full satisfaction in sex with a man. I can see how other people might interpret this as selfishness but love and sexual attraction are two very different things and don't unfortunately always come hand in hand, at least for me they don't.

You know who I love but am not sexually attracted to? My mother.

Love without sexual attraction is a very good plutonic friendship, nothing more imo.

fleur du mal

MagicMarker wrote: »

You know who I love but am not sexually attracted to? My mother.

Love without sexual attraction is a very good plutonic friendship, nothing more imo.

Fair enough point but I never said I'm not attracted to men at all, I am, just on a different level. It's really all very confusing for me, so I can see how it would not make a lot of sense to other people.

riclad

IT makes sense to me, you are in a romantic relationship,
but you still want to express your attraction to women.

cocobear

Both Teams Dublin wrote: »

Are any of the posters who replied bisexual? It really is not simply a case of generally seeking satisfaction outside of the relationship. I am very very much in love with my boyfriend.

Yes I am a married bi male with children out only to my wife and close friends.
Only a bi person will truly understand your situation
You love your boyfriend but a side of your sexual appetite cannot be fulfilled by him
The longer you are removed from same sex activity the more difficult and bigger the desire gets
What do I do?
Well I dont put myself into any situations of temptation, I dont socialise with out my wife
If I meet someone where ever and I think they might be gay or bi I talk to my wife about it
We talk a lot about every thing in a very honest and open manner
Honesty is vital, It is extremely difficult though
If you know of any other bi people it is great to talk to them, all though bi people are in the large invisible in society, neither straight nor gay!