Bisexual girl in straight LTR

Both Teams Dublin

Medme wrote: »

Here's a thought... OP have you ever had a same sex relationship, aside from the same sex affairs when you were in straight relationships before? If it was the case that all your previous gay relations were when you were already with a bf it might be that the desire now is for the affair/excitement/new peep/whateve, rather than it being a bisexual 'issue'...

*not in any way judging you btw - I'm bi, I get it. ****s me off no end the whole bi selfish brigade

The vast majority of my same sex relationships have been when I don’t have a boyfriend. Regarding the affairs, I kissed one woman a couple of times while in a straight relationship, and I slept with another woman one time while in another straight relationship. In both cases I told my partner what I’d done and they had said that they wished I’d spoken to them about the feelings I’d been having. I think that’s what I’m going to have to do in my current situation – and haters, please don’t interpret this as me trying to negotiate a way to “have my cake and eat it”. I mean to talk things through with my partner and discussing the feelings I’ve been struggling with, rather than aim for a specific outcome where I “have things my way”. Something a lot of people seem to be missing here is the fact that I want to remain faithful to my boyfriend while managing these feelings. I’m not looking for an excuse to be unfaithful.

baby and crumble

Both Teams Dublin wrote: »

The vast majority of my same sex relationships have been when I don’t have a boyfriend. Regarding the affairs, I kissed one woman a couple of times while in a straight relationship, and I slept with another woman one time while in another straight relationship. In both cases I told my partner what I’d done and they had said that they wished I’d spoken to them about the feelings I’d been having. I think that’s what I’m going to have to do in my current situation – and haters, please don’t interpret this as me trying to negotiate a way to “have my cake and eat it”. I mean to talk things through with my partner and discussing the feelings I’ve been struggling with, rather than aim for a specific outcome where I “have things my way”. Something a lot of people seem to be missing here is the fact that I want to remain faithful to my boyfriend while managing these feelings. I’m not looking for an excuse to be unfaithful.

I think that you've hot the nail on the head- every single relationship needs two things; communication and work. If you don't talk to your partner about feelings you are having it'll just end badly.

Best of luck, op. I hope you and your boyfriend work it out to both your satisfaction.

Both Teams Dublin

cocobear wrote: »

Yes I am a married bi male with children out only to my wife and close friends.
Only a bi person will truly understand your situation
You love your boyfriend but a side of your sexual appetite cannot be fulfilled by him
The longer you are removed from same sex activity the more difficult and bigger the desire gets
What do I do?
Well I dont put myself into any situations of temptation, I dont socialise with out my wife
If I meet someone where ever and I think they might be gay or bi I talk to my wife about it
We talk a lot about every thing in a very honest and open manner
Honesty is vital, It is extremely difficult though
If you know of any other bi people it is great to talk to them, all though bi people are in the large invisible in society, neither straight nor gay!

THANK YOU!!!! Finally - someone who understands! I think your way of managing it sounds fair, honest and effective. It really is so difficult!! And you are exactly right that the longer you are removed from same-sex activity the more difficult and bigger the desire gets. It is precisely because I love my partner that I've been with him for so long, and yet the longer I'm with him the stronger my same-sex attraction gets. And this attraction really doesn't diminish my love for or attraction to him - frankly, he's a ride. But this other, second attraction just won't go away - it's so difficult to manage. I'm going to start discussing my feelings more openly with my partner. As he already accepts that I'm bisexual, and knows that I'm continually attracted to women, hopefully he can accept that it's something we need to discuss regularly to keep things in check.

cocobear

Both Teams Dublin wrote: »

THANK YOU!!!! Finally - someone who understands! I think your way of managing it sounds fair, honest and effective. It really is so difficult!! And you are exactly right that the longer you are removed from same-sex activity the more difficult and bigger the desire gets. It is precisely because I love my partner that I've been with him for so long, and yet the longer I'm with him the stronger my same-sex attraction gets. And this attraction really doesn't diminish my love for or attraction to him - frankly, he's a ride. But this other, second attraction just won't go away - it's so difficult to manage. I'm going to start discussing my feelings more openly with my partner. As he already accepts that I'm bisexual, and knows that I'm continually attracted to women, hopefully he can accept that it's something we need to discuss regularly to keep things in check.

The vast majority of straight and gay people dont get bisexuality,
Straight people think uncontrollable promiscuous sex manic who will ride anything at the drop of a hat, gay community genuinely thinks sad fecker can't accept and embrace he is homosexual! Fact I have experienced it all!
We have one foot in the straight world and one foot in the gay world,
People will even insult you by telling you that bisexuality doesn't exist
I can tell you that it sure does, I do find it very isolating at times,
Bisexuals as group of people are largely invisible within society,
Must merging into what appears to be straight from the outside looking in, as in my situation,
And in my experience the lgbt supports available do not really cater for the "Bs"
I think a person being straight or gay has an easier time of it, than a genuinely bi person

lazorgirl

OP i think you are in a very difficult position. i think it takes a lot of courage for you to accept that although you love with your OH, there is a huge aspect of your sexuality that you are supressing in order to be in that relationship. you have been open and honest with your OH which again i think shows that you do respect him and as you have been faithful to him despite the cost & frustration this may cause you, it does show that you have respect for your relationship with him.
there is no easy answer as you know. you can stay with him while being fundamentally dissatisfied with an aspect of your relationship. you can walk away, accepting the pain you both will feel, but at least you will be free to perhaps be with someone who you can love and be fully satisfied with and your OH can be free to be with someone who is not fundamentally dissatisfied with what he brings as a person to a relationship.
whatever decision you come to, it wont be easy but at least give your self the time to make that decision with full awareness of how your actions may allow you to feel at peace within yourself.
good luck

floggg

OP have you considered some form of open relationship?

It's not cheating if you both consent beforehand. For it to work, you'd need clear rules, good communication and honesty. And I imagine as a quid pro quo you'd have to allow him similar freedom to your own.

Whether that is something your boyfriend is into remains to be seen, but from the sounds of things your natural preference would appear to be for a degree of openness in your relationships - even of the very occasional non-strings "monogamish" kind.

As Dan Savage would say, every relationship has a price of admission - a sacrifice which will be required from either or both parties to make it work long term. Each party has to decide if the price of admission is worth paying for the relationship to work.

For you, it could be whether your boyfriend is worth a monogamous commitment.

I think people are looking at this very one-sidedly though and only looking at the choices or sacrifices you might have to make.

If this is something you are struggling with, what sacrifices should your boyfriend make to accommodate you? Maybe his price if admission is accepting a limited degree of freedom for you.

For every person suggesting you are selfish for wanting to satisfy your same sex needs, you could turn it around and say he's selfish for asking you to deny that side of yourself.

The truth however probably lies somewhere in the middle.

I think you both need to talk and see what solution you can come up with that works for you both. It may take sacrifice on both sides to make it work.

Or you may determine that however much you may love each other, you can't find common ground on this and you need to consider breaking up so that you can both meet somebody with more compatible relationship goals.

Whatever you decide, you shouldn't feel guilty as long as you are honest and open with him and you decide what to do together. If you feel the relationship model won't work, then don't feel guilty that its all your fault. It's not - it just means you're not compatible.

bodice ripper

OP, I feel the same way. It is hard on the soul and on relationships. I can only tell you the complete honesty is the best policy, if only to spare the feelings on others. But it will still be hard on the soul and on the relationships.

I would also tell you to ignore gay and straight people telling you how to feel about your sexuality. They don't understand, and they would go ape**** if you did the same to them. Celebrating diversity my arse.

LegacyUser

Hi there OP,

I'm a registered user but going anon because my partner uses boards. I know exactly how you are feeling and how incredibly difficult and frustrating it can be. I also know how guilty you are feeling. I can't really offer any advice because I find myself in the same situation and I don't know how to deal with it either.

I can just say what others have said, maybe you should consider some form of open relationship or commit to a monogamous one and try to be honest with your boyfriend about your feelings. I'm a bi-sexual girl going out with a girl who I love very, very much, in fact this is the best relationship I have ever been in and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. However, I often struggle with a desire to have sex with men, sometimes it is very strong and in the past I have worried about cheating on her because I just thought that these fantasies and desires would eventually spill over into reality.

I feel terribly guilty about this and an open relationship is not something that I would want at all, I could never cheat on her and I could never allow her to sleep with someone else.

I think this is a sensitive issue for both of us because we are both bi and so I often worry that she might be suppressing the same kinds of feelings but I can't bear to hear it if she is.

I just wanted you to know that you aren't ''selfish'', and what you are feeling isn't abnormal. It must be something that many bi-sexual people struggle with, we really are suppressing one side of our sexuality.

I think I am dealing with it better now, I fantasise about men sometimes and now I am learning not to feel guilty about it, it is an outlet for me.

Good luck with whatever you decide, it isn't easy.

cocobear

I sometimes wonder does my partner fully appreciate the difficulties
And the intense desires that you get from denying yourself same sex activity.
It can be overpowering, where it's all you think about, and your constantly checking out the same sex people around you on the street in work in the supermarket.
I have tried to explain it to me wife, but it's difficult for a straight person to comprehend
As it is completely alien to them.
Its not like you would like to have some, it's more like JESUS CHRIST I HAVE TO HAVE THIS OR I WILL GO INSANE#!!

suicide_circus

If i could talk to the OPs BF, As a straight male who has had relationships with two bi females, i would never go there again. Maybe i was just unlucky with those individuals but it seems a common enough theme and i'm not about to get burned again.

jaffacakesyum

suicide_circus wrote: »

If i could talk to the OPs BF, As a straight male who has had relationships with two bi females, i would never go there again. Maybe i was just unlucky with those individuals but it seems a common enough theme and i'm not about to get burned again.

Just because some bisexual women find it difficult to 'supress' one half of their sexuality, doesn't mean all bisexual women are like that. A boardsie on here is a lesbian in a long term relationship with a bisexual woman and there's been no issues around that topic (as far as I know!).

I'm bisexual and I've never been tempted to sleep with a man when I've been dating a woman, or vice versa, but then again I've never been in a long term relationship so it's not really the same, but I really don't think I'd be any different.

I understand where bisexual women are coming from but I'm not in the same boat. So don't class all bisexual women as that, please!

floggg

suicide_circus wrote: »

If i could talk to the OPs BF, As a straight male who has had relationships with two bi females, i would never go there again. Maybe i was just unlucky with those individuals but it seems a common enough theme and i'm not about to get burned again.

Can I ask what, if anything, did you do differently in those relationships to account for the fact your partner was bi and may have different needs/desires, than you would in a relationship with a straight girl?

I'm not saying this with reference to you, as I have no clue about your relationships, but I would think that the work, compromise and sacrifices should not be the burden of the bisexual partner only. In a relationship, you need to accommodate for each other and if you fall for somebody that happens to be bisexual than you need to accommodate them as much as they need to accommodate you.

I think too many of the posts here are just concerned with what the bisexual partner can or should do and not on what their partner needs to do for them.

baby and crumble

The non bi partner needs to accept that

a) You can't control someone elses desires.

b) Them being attracted to/ fancying a person of another gender is NOT anything to do with you. There is no 100% attraction rate, so anyone else who your partner fancies is not 'stepping on your turf'. Only when you yourself can genuinely say that you have never EVER fancied or been attracted to another person whilst in a relationship can you go down that road with your partner. And even then, you're on a losing streak.

c) The biggest part of the relationship will be based on trust. Your partner will be attracted to members of both genders, so the only thing you can do about it is trust that they will respect the boundaries of the relationship you have BOTH agreed to. Some people will be fine with flirting, some with kissing, some with more. Every relationship is different, and that's ok. I'm not going to say to anyone what their relationship should look like.

d) Play with it. You're in an all female relationship? Well, why not try role playing, or toys, or whatever you need to do. Watch porn, send each other rude stories online, whatever you need to do. You can't just be in a relationship and not work at it. Things aren't just 'magically' perfect.

e) Above all, you have to get over the thought that you won't be enough for your partner. You really do. This is waaaaaaaaay easier said than done. I was really sensitive about my gf being bi for probably about 18 months to 2 years. Then I just copped myself on and began truly trusting her. Now, it's something i love about her, because it makes her who she is. Some bi individuals will want equal amounts of sexual contact with both genders. But those are INDIVIDUALS within the bi community, and aren't representative of the whole group. Most bi girls I know are in long term, happy, monogamous relationships, both with male and female partners. The important thing is to make sure that your partners sexuality isn't erased by being with you. If you're in a f-f relationship, then your gf may well be labelled as lesbian, and likewise if your partner is male and you're a bi female, the world will see you as straight, which isn't right either. I think that might be where the frustration comes from, from not having your sexuality acknowledged. I'd be livid if someone tried to deny my sexuality, and so why would I want to do that to someone I love?

suicide_circus

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

Just because some bisexual women find it difficult to 'supress' one half of their sexuality, doesn't mean all bisexual women are like that.

twice bitten, thrice shy i guess.

floggg wrote: »

Can I ask what, if anything, did you do differently in those relationships to account for the fact your partner was bi and may have different needs/desires, than you would in a relationship with a straight girl?
I'm not saying this with reference to you, as I have no clue about your relationships, but I would think that the work, compromise and sacrifices should not be the burden of the bisexual partner only. In a relationship, you need to accommodate for each other and if you fall for somebody that happens to be bisexual than you need to accommodate them as much as they need to accommodate you.

I think too many of the posts here are just concerned with what the bisexual partner can or should do and not on what their partner needs to do for them.

so are you saying that bisexuals require extra work and maintenance or that one must except an open relationship/infidelity from a bisexual? i was and am open, patient and respectful. i am interested in ADULT relationships with ADULTS who take responsibility for themselves. wouldn't touch that head & heart ache with a bargepole tbh. lesson learned

paulmorro

suicide_circus wrote: »

twice bitten, thrice shy i guess.




so are you saying that bisexuals require extra work and maintenance or that one must except an open relationship/infidelity from a bisexual? i was and am open, patient and respectful. i am interested in ADULT relationships with ADULTS who take responsibility for themselves. wouldn't touch that head & heart ache with a bargepole tbh. lesson learned

So bis can't have adult relationships???

Annasopra

suicide_circus wrote: »

twice bitten, thrice shy i guess.




so are you saying that bisexuals require extra work and maintenance or that one must except an open relationship/infidelity from a bisexual? i was and am open, patient and respectful. i am interested in ADULT relationships with ADULTS who take responsibility for themselves. wouldn't touch that head & heart ache with a bargepole tbh. lesson learned

But as jaffacakesyum has pointed out not all bisexuals are the same!!!!!

suicide_circus

mango salsa wrote: »

But as jaffacakesyum has pointed out not all bisexuals are the same!!!!!

indeed but i would rather just not take the risk having suffered enough in the past. am i a nazi now?

paulmorro wrote: »

So bis can't have adult relationships???

i'm sure they can but i'm not a guinea pig, i'm a person

jaffacakesyum

suicide_circus wrote: »

twice bitten, thrice shy i guess.

And that's your choice, absolutely. I don't for a second find it hard to understand why you wouldn't go near bisexual women again after two bad experiences with them, but as long as you admit that it's wrong for you to do so. Same way it's wrong that I wouldn't enter into a relationship with a black man because of a VERY bad experience in the past when I was younger. I know it doesn't make me racist, but it's still wrong to have reservations about a whole race based on one bad experience (as traumatising as it was). Similarly, it's wrong to stay away from all bisexual women purely on the basis of their sexuality because you've had two bad experiences with them. But as I said, I understand why you would. These things are built into our brains, it's difficult to get over them.

so are you saying that bisexuals require extra work and maintenance or that one must except an open relationship/infidelity from a bisexual? i was and am open, patient and respectful. i am interested in ADULT relationships with ADULTS who take responsibility for themselves. wouldn't touch that head & heart ache with a bargepole tbh. lesson learned

And if you meet a woman who is interested in that also, who you get along with and find attractive, you won't "touch her with a bargepole" purely because of her sexuality? Seems a bit immature when I put it like that, no?

suicide_circus

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

And that's your choice, absolutely. I don't for a second find it hard to understand why you wouldn't go near bisexual women again after two bad experiences with them, but as long as you admit that it's wrong for you to do so. Same way it's wrong that I wouldn't enter into a relationship with a black man because of a VERY bad experience in the past when I was younger. I know it doesn't make me racist, but it's still wrong to have reservations about a whole race based on one bad experience (as traumatising as it was). Similarly, it's wrong to stay away from all bisexual women purely on the basis of their sexuality because you've had two bad experiences with them. But as I said, I understand why you would. These things are built into our brains, it's difficult to get over them.



And if you meet a woman who is interested in that also, who you get along with and find attractive, you won't "touch her with a bargepole" purely because of her sexuality? Seems a bit immature when I put it like that, no?

no. you see, i learn from my mistakes, it's served me well. i'm not interested in risking my mental welfare just so i can seem inclusive and "right-on". what's immature is repeating the same action and expecting different results, actually i think Einstein called that insanity.

paulmorro

suicide_circus wrote: »

indeed but i would rather just not take the risk having suffered enough in the past. am i a nazi

No you're just chucking everyone in. The same bucket!

jaffacakesyum

suicide_circus wrote: »

no. you see, i learn from my mistakes, it's served me well. i'm not interested in risking my mental welfare just so i can seem inclusive and "right-on". what's immature is repeating the same action and expecting different results, actually i think Einstein called that insanity.

Well I think it's very immature. The two women you had bad experiences could have just as well been straight and cheated on you with other men. But I doubt that would make you never touch straight women again with a bargepole. But hey, don't mind me I'm just being too inclusive and "right on" :rolleyes: The fact that you can't see the flaws in your logic is astounding. I'm not expecting you to change your ways; as I said, I can understand where you're coming from. But at least not admitting it, is immature.

paulmorro

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

The fact that you can't see the flaws in your logic is astounding.

But there was an over the top nazi comparison, which always gets you off the hook.

suicide_circus

paulmorro wrote: »

But there was an over the top nazi comparison, which always gets you off the hook.

which hook am i on?

paulmorro

suicide_circus wrote: »

which hook am i on?

The "I'm going to tar an entire community based on my experience with two people" hook.

Annasopra

suicide_circus wrote: »

no. you see, i learn from my mistakes, it's served me well. i'm not interested in risking my mental welfare just so i can seem inclusive and "right-on". what's immature is repeating the same action and expecting different results, actually i think Einstein called that insanity.

I don't see any maturity at all really in your generalisations about bisexuals.

suicide_circus

mango salsa wrote: »

I don't see any maturity at all really in your generalisations about bisexuals.

paulmorro wrote: »

The "I'm going to tar an entire community based on my experience "hook.

I'm not saying all bisexuals are the same just that i will avoid having a relationship with one in the future due past painful experiences. I'm sure the bisexual community of the world with survive the blow.

paulmorro

suicide_circus wrote: »

I'm not saying all bisexuals are the same just that i will avoid having a relationship with one in the future due past painful experiences. I'm sure the bisexual community of the world with survive the blow.

And as suggested above, I assume that if a straight person f*cks you over, you'll stay away from all straight people as well? I assume so, otherwise you'd be making yourself sound like a massive bigot, which of course you're not!

suicide_circus

paulmorro wrote: »

And as suggested above, I assume that if a straight person f*cks you over, you'll stay away from all straight people as well? I assume so, otherwise you'd be making yourself sound like a massive bigot, which of course you're not!

Guess my negative experiences with straight women were never as traumatic or scarring. But sure look, I'm flawed. It's been real you guys.

jaffacakesyum

suicide_circus wrote: »

Guess my negative experiences with straight women were never as traumatic or scarring. But sure look, I'm flawed. It's been real you guys.

And if they were? I assume you'd stay away from all straight women then and only hook up with bi girls, yes?

Ah that's grand so.

floggg

suicide_circus wrote: »

twice bitten, thrice shy i guess.




so are you saying that bisexuals require extra work and maintenance or that one must except an open relationship/infidelity from a bisexual? i was and am open, patient and respectful. i am interested in ADULT relationships with ADULTS who take responsibility for themselves. wouldn't touch that head & heart ache with a bargepole tbh. lesson learned

I find it funny that you have out the word "adult" in caps to emphasise its importance yet don't seem to understand what an adult relationship is about.

Every single adult relationship requires both parties to make accommodations and sacrifices for the sake of the other on a daily basis.

Sometimes they are small sacrifices, like watching watching a rom com instead of an action movie, or listening to their music not your own. Sometimes they are huge, like caring for them while they are sick or supporting them through unemployment.

There will be ones that are unique to your own relationship, and to your partners quirks.

You do what you need to make it work and out of love you your partner.

If you are dating a bisexual person it seems to me that you should make some effort to accommodate their sexuality. And no, that doesn't necessarily mean having an open relationship. B&C has posted a lot of things above which seems look good advice.

But if your attitude is just that they should just "take responsibility for themselves" and you make no effort to take account of their wants or needs, then no wonder your relationships didn't work out.

Not saying you deserved to be cheated on, but if you aren't willing to put a bit of work into your relationships, then regardless of your gf's sexual orientation, they aren't likely to work out very well.