What do you think of people who never marry?

ahnowbrowncow

Tearwave wrote: »

"Yo Liz" ? Do you know this person in a formal capacity?

What's it to you, Tear?

harney

Tearwave wrote: »

"Yo Liz" ? Do you know this person in a formal capacity?

And which formal world do you meander round that uses Yo as the formal introduction?

For the ontopic part, em, I'm not sure it is really that big of a deal. Admittedly I haven't really been single in the last 20 years, but still, I'm sure they're grand.

Super-Rush

Don't make me tap the sign.

LizT wrote: »

Mod
The Asperger's debate, interesting though it is, is completely off topic. Can we get back to the original debate here?

Scruffles

no one ever heard of asexuals then? thats a pretty damn big group of people; many of whom will never marry-through choice.
people who think its awful or 'sad' for anyone to go through life never marrying need to get some life experience behind them instead of judging from a closed mind,applying their thinking to everyone else doesnt work on a species which every member of thinks independantly and differently.

to give the thread another perspective,very few people with classic autism or intelectual disability get married as we are patronisingly considered to lack the mental capacity needed to make that decision,even amongst those who do have a girl or boy fiend.
an ex resident with downs that used to live with always wanted a girlfriend but he was never able to have one,let alone future marrige because we live in residential care and the services do not take into account that residents may actualy have the interest to have a boyfriend or girlfriend,there is no support for them.

shleedance

Ranicand wrote: »

Yes it's called Aspergers and people like me find it impossible to form and maintain relationships.

Yes being born with a condition makes us weird and people have every right to look down on us.

However if I catch anybody looking down on me they had better run fast.

Stupid thread what business is it of yours or anybody else what relationships people do not have?

*facepalm*

I'm diagnosed with AS and I have a relationship. We're even planning to marry. Stop using your condition as a crutch.

seven_eleven

seven_eleven wrote: »

Whats your general opinion of people who never marry, or get into relationships? I mean people well past 25, and all the way up into their 60 beyond who have never had a life partner

Your OP is a bit all over the place. You jump from "marriage" to "life partner" as if they are some how synonyms.

For example I am in a relationship that has been going on for over 9 years now and all signs and intentions behind it are that it is for life.

But we can not - nor are we permitted to - nor do we wish to - marry.

So do you mean people who never marry? People who never have a life partner? Both? Its all a bit vague for me.

http://www.health.gov.au/internet/ministers/publishing.nsf/Content/mr-yr08-je-je135.htm

Graph Females

Graph Males

seven_eleven

Deleted User wrote: »

Your OP is a bit all over the place. You jump from "marriage" to "life partner" as if they are some how synonyms.

For example I am in a relationship that has been going on for over 9 years now and all signs and intentions behind it are that it is for life.

But we can not - nor are we permitted to - nor do we wish to - marry.

So do you mean people who never marry? People who never have a life partner? Both? Its all a bit vague for me.

I'm sorry. I mean both. To put it in internet terms "foreveralone" people. Whether it be by choice, or by simply not being able to get a partner/whatever due to other factors.

StillWaters

I remember a similar study amongst Irish people living in London. Males who had a life partner lived longer, higher death rates mostly attributable to alcoholism, women the opposite.

However, I think people can live very Fulfilled lives without a life partner, but they do tend to form that bond with something else, work, pets, sport etc.

seven_eleven

seven_eleven wrote: »

I'm sorry. I mean both. To put it in internet terms "foreveralone" people. Whether it be by choice, or by simply not being able to get a partner/whatever due to other factors.

Well your question seems to be "what do we think of such people"

I think the same of them as I do of all people...

"there goes someone who is choosing to live their life their way, while I live my life my way"

What more do you expect us to think of them?

Amy33

I honestly cannot think of one marriage that I'm envious of, the lonliest people I know are married.

When I was younger I worked in a couple of jobs where I met a couple of middle aged guys, about 50+ or so, who were married for many years. Both of them hated their respective wives, and hated them for literally decades.

I can think of no worse existence.

They made some very weak and lame excuses for staying put, mortgage, finance, "the kids", etc, as if trapping children in a loveless house full of aggression was somehow beneficial for them.

Both men were angry, bitter, drunks BTW, and no one would ever envy their lives, single or not at any age. Better grow old and die alone than old and die full of poison and hate like these guys will.

April O Neill

Ranicand wrote: »

Yes it's called Aspergers... ...and the rest

Someone not ever getting into a relationship is called Aspergers? Everyone who has never had a relationship has Aspergers? What a tetchy, daft, kneejerk response.

beks101

Marriage isn't for everyone. Relationships aren't for everyone.

I find the assumption that there's something "wrong" with someone if they don't pair off, that they're socially awkward or mentally disabled or somehow "lacking" in some way, incredibly ignorant and small minded and unimaginative in terms of the many, many different ways that any single individual can find happiness.

My uncle never married or had a partner and he's one of the most fascinating people I know. Highly highly intelligent, full of stories and love and loyalty and generosity for the people in his life. He's not living "half a life" or living out his days in desperate sadness or loneliness, he just has priorities other than romantic love, and why shouldn't he?

Love and marriage define some people; others find other ways to bring meaning to their lives. Live and let live.

batistuta9

Deleted User wrote: »

Well your question seems to be "what do we think of such people"

I think the same of them as I do of all people...

"there goes someone who is choosing to live their life their way, while I live my life my way"

What more do you expect us to think of them?

the OP isn't really clear in what they're asking in their first post, to me it reads more that these people they're asking about do it by choice but it's not 100% clear

if it is by choice then your answer is perfectly normal/reasonable

but what about people who aren't choosing to live their life that way, it's just the way their life is/panned out? - what the OP said in their post you quoted & replied to above

if it's not by choice that they've never had a long term relationship, significant person in their life, had a prospect of marriage whilst they would want these things then it's sad and you'd feel sorry for them
i wouldn't look down on them or see them as weird though

but undoubtedly people would, especially if it's a man.

tdv123

Ranicand wrote: »

But if I live my life and obey the laws nobody has a right to look down on me.

You don't technically have the right to anything just to point out.

StudentDad

I don't understand the point of this thread. It feels a bit like a 'gossip in the corner' type discussion between two auld wans.
'Oh look, theres's Dave.' ' never married, ya know.' 'According to Mary, he's loaded .... ' Etc etc

I think it's an Irish thing. Oh look theres's Dave, went off and lived his life, the way he saw fit, the Bastard!

SD

whatdoicare

I know a few guys that never dated really and never had the long term relationship/marriage/life partner and I know that they desperately would love to! My cousin, for example, is a gorgeous, gentle, highly intelligent man in his late 30s who could just never seem to meet anyone and despaired about ever meeting anyone - luckily on a night out with my brothers and I, we just happened by pure chance to introduce him to a lady who was in the exact same situation. (this may or may not have been a set up by us) four years later they are happily married and enjoying their newborn son.


On the other side of that coin my sister in law has never had a relationship and is very happy by herself. She genuinely does not like people and has in the last ten years systematically cut herself off from most of the human race. She doesn't have aspergers (in case anyone is wondering) she is just a person who is happiest in their own company, she is intelligent and leads a full, interesting life filled with hobbies but she just doesn't see the need for companionship. I get on with her but after a little while with her I can see that she is getting antsy to be off doing something else. That's just who she is.

Czarcasm

Scruffles wrote: »

no one ever heard of asexuals then? thats a pretty damn big group of people; many of whom will never marry-through choice.
people who think its awful or 'sad' for anyone to go through life never marrying need to get some life experience behind them instead of judging from a closed mind,applying their thinking to everyone else doesnt work on a species which every member of thinks independantly and differently.

to give the thread another perspective,very few people with classic autism or intelectual disability get married as we are patronisingly considered to lack the mental capacity needed to make that decision,even amongst those who do have a girl or boy fiend. (Freudian slip? )

an ex resident with downs that used to live with always wanted a girlfriend but he was never able to have one,let alone future marrige because we live in residential care and the services do not take into account that residents may actualy have the interest to have a boyfriend or girlfriend,there is no support for them.

Just on this point of people with intellectual disabilities and being unable to have relationships, the issue is less about being patronising and more about protection of the individual as regards the issue of the ability to give informed consent. It's not actually the general population that thinks this way, but more the fact that it's simply a legal issue, well, not all THAT simple really because of the spectrum and severity of the intellectual disability involved-


http://www.nda.ie/cntmgmtnew.nsf/0/200FC923F86AE299802577A4003355CF/$File/NDA_CPA_PWIDCrisisPregnancy07.html

Sulla Felix

Ranicand wrote: »

Autism is a spectrum with Aspergers being part of it.

It affects people to different degrees.

People with Autism tend to think in logical terms.

You have called bull yet you have done Zero reading to back it up.

Some people with the condition can form relationships and some can't.

There is a saying when you have met one person with Aspergers you have met one person with Aspergers.



You can read the rest here. http://www.asperger-advice.com/asperger-syndrome-behavior.html

Ah, so you're rowing back. First you said it was impossible. It's exactly this kind of generalising that is the problem with perceptions of autism in ireland.

edit. Only saw the mod warning now, sorry super.

On topic. I think tge fraction of people who want but never get some meaningful relationship is potentially quite small. For anyone who falls into that subsection I do feel sorry for. If someone doesn't want one however, more power to them.

Ranicand

Ranicand wrote: »

Yes it's called Aspergers and people like me find it impossible to form and maintain relationships...........

Are you seriously reckoning all single folk have aspergers ?

Annasopra

seven_eleven wrote: »

Whats your general opinion of people who never marry, or get into relationships? I mean people well past 25, and all the way up into their 60 beyond who have never had a life partner, or anybody significant in their lives?

Do you think its kind of sad? Do you look down upon them, or see them as slightly weird people?

I'm curious to know, as I dont think I struggle to think of many adults who have no partner.

I'd never really thought about it too much until about 2/3 years ago when I attended some conferences and read some research on older lgbt people.

Perhaps SOME of them are lesbian or gay or bi or trans and could never express that because of the repressive social atmosphere in which they grew up so they closeted themselves most of their life.

I know one man of 70 for whom this is the case. He had a partner in london at 30 who was killed in a car crash but when he came back to Ireland he had to hide his sexuality from his family and still does hide it from friends/family/neighbours

Legs.Eleven

pmcmahon wrote: »

They're usually the happiest.The men that is.

Research actually says otherwise although women are stigmatised more in society (in my experience by other women) more than men.



I wouldn't judge anyone for not being in a relationship and often I'm a bit envious of their total freedom to do what they want without considering someone else. I couldn't care less how people live their lives in this regard. I know some single people who've expressed their desire to be in a relationship and I hope they find someone but I don't pity them.

DoozerT6

I am one of these people. I am in my late thirties, female and have never had a relationship. It simply never happened for me, no matter what I tried. Yes, I would love a relationship but I honestly don't see it happening for me now - well it hasn't up to now, so I don't see it changing as I get older and have to compete with girls 10-15 years younger than me.

For the people who envy the perma-single for their ability to do what they want, when they want - believe me, that gets old after 39 years of it. Of course, everybody likes a Saturday to themselves to chill out, relax, whatever, but NEVER having ANYBODY special in your life to stroll around town with, go on a weekend away with (no, I have never been on a weekend away), or just chill out and watch crappy DVD's with is incredibly lonely. Friends move on, have their own lives and families, and even though I hang out with them I can't help feeling like I'm just hanging onto the coat-tails of THEIR lives, being the third wheel, whatever. Often on weekends I do absolutely nothing. It's actually easier than constantly doing stuff alone and having nobody to share it with.

If a person is genuinely happiest alone, doesn't feel the need for romantic love and is fulfilled with hobbies, etc. then more power to them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that at all. But those of us who would love a partner to make us feel cared for, desired, half of a partnership etc. the loneliness can be palpable. And do you know what's worse than family/acquaintances teasing 'when are you going to find yourself a fella??'...when they STOP asking. That is worse. I have had workmates awkwardly change the subject of partners whenever it comes up around me because they sense that I cannot contribute to the discussion (I never discuss my relationship status, or lack thereof, in work. I wish I could. I would love to be able to have those normal 'meself and himself went to xxx restaurant on Sat night, it was lovely, have you been there?' conversations that are just everyday to other people).

Somebody mentioned also the fact that we have never known the pain of breaking up with someone. That is true. We have never experienced a normal, natural part of growing up that helps us grow as people and figure out what we what from a partner. I once had a friend (we were in our late 20's at the time) ring my mobile in floods of tears after her boyfriend broke up with her (it had been on the cards for a while) and I actually pretended not to be at home so she wouldn't come around and I wouldn't have to listen to her crying her heart out. Why? Because I was so fecking jealous of her actually having HAD the experience of someone loving her enough that they both cried their eyes out while they were ending their relationship. I honestly didn't think I could listen to her without crying myself. Yes, I was jealous of her tears. And sad for myself because nobody had ever felt that way about me. I just wanted to shake her and say 'don't you know how lucky you are to have had love like that in your life?'

That probably makes me sound like a bitch, a horrible friend, but I was so emotionally low about the whole thing at the time that it seemed like the only option for me.

Yes I have tried internet dating. Yes I have tried going to bars/clubs. Yes I have joined clubs etc. But I am never the one who gets 'picked'. And I have tried all the approaches: outrageous flirting, subtle flirting, no flirting at all, just chilling out, being friendly, enjoying myself and not thinking about finding a man....still nothing. When you see other people, who seem neither physically not emotionally attractive who never seem to be without a partner, it kinda makes you give up.

My name is DoozerT6 and I am (apparently) Involuntarily Celibate.

Love2u

seven_eleven wrote: »

Whats your general opinion of people who never marry, or get into relationships? I mean people well past 25, and all the way up into their 60 beyond who have never had a life partner, or anybody significant in their lives?

Do you think its kind of sad? Do you look down upon them, or see them as slightly weird people?

I'm curious to know, as I dont think I struggle to think of many adults who have no partner.

I certainly would not look down on anyone who is single. But I would question as to why they were single, if its a case they are genuinely happier single that's fine. I do think its nice for a person to have a partner, for the company. I was single for many years and I did not like it. The other side is, your better off being single than being with someone you don't get on well with. No point being with someone just for the sake of it or because society expects it as the norm. You should be with Someone who will care for you, nurture you, make you feel good and feel whole as a person.

irish son

Ihatecuddles wrote: »

I feel worse for people married decades and one dies. Is it better to have loved and lost?

Go watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Love2u

DoozerT6 wrote: »

I am one of these people. I am in my late thirties, female and have never had a relationship. It simply never happened for me, no matter what I tried. Yes, I would love a relationship but I honestly don't see it happening for me now - well it hasn't up to now, so I don't see it changing as I get older and have to compete with girls 10-15 years younger than me.

For the people who envy the perma-single for their ability to do what they want, when they want - believe me, that gets old after 39 years of it. Of course, everybody likes a Saturday to themselves to chill out, relax, whatever, but NEVER having ANYBODY special in your life to stroll around town with, go on a weekend away with (no, I have never been on a weekend away), or just chill out and watch crappy DVD's with is incredibly lonely. Friends move on, have their own lives and families, and even though I hang out with them I can't help feeling like I'm just hanging onto the coat-tails of THEIR lives, being the third wheel, whatever. Often on weekends I do absolutely nothing. It's actually easier than constantly doing stuff alone and having nobody to share it with.

If a person is genuinely happiest alone, doesn't feel the need for romantic love and is fulfilled with hobbies, etc. then more power to them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that at all. But those of us who would love a partner to make us feel cared for, desired, half of a partnership etc. the loneliness can be palpable. And do you know what's worse than family/acquaintances teasing 'when are you going to find yourself a fella??'...when they STOP asking. That is worse. I have had workmates awkwardly change the subject of partners whenever it comes up around me because they sense that I cannot contribute to the discussion (I never discuss my relationship status, or lack thereof, in work. I wish I could. I would love to be able to have those normal 'meself and himself went to xxx restaurant on Sat night, it was lovely, have you been there?' conversations that are just everyday to other people).

Somebody mentioned also the fact that we have never known the pain of breaking up with someone. That is true. We have never experienced a normal, natural part of growing up that helps us grow as people and figure out what we what from a partner. I once had a friend (we were in our late 20's at the time) ring my mobile in floods of tears after her boyfriend broke up with her (it had been on the cards for a while) and I actually pretended not to be at home so she wouldn't come around and I wouldn't have to listen to her crying her heart out. Why? Because I was so fecking jealous of her actually having HAD the experience of someone loving her enough that they both cried their eyes out while they were ending their relationship. I honestly didn't think I could listen to her without crying myself. Yes, I was jealous of her tears. And sad for myself because nobody had ever felt that way about me. I just wanted to shake her and say 'don't you know how lucky you are to have had love like that in your life?'

That probably makes me sound like a bitch, a horrible friend, but I was so emotionally low about the whole thing at the time that it seemed like the only option for me.

Yes I have tried internet dating. Yes I have tried going to bars/clubs. Yes I have joined clubs etc. But I am never the one who gets 'picked'. And I have tried all the approaches: outrageous flirting, subtle flirting, no flirting at all, just chilling out, being friendly, enjoying myself and not thinking about finding a man....still nothing. When you see other people, who seem neither physically not emotionally attractive who never seem to be without a partner, it kinda makes you give up.

My name is DoozerT6 and I am (apparently) Involuntarily Celibate.

I sympathise with you, because I've been there. The best advise I can give to you is "stop trying", let it happen naturally. Also I invested in some great books, self healing books which made me realise at the time I did not love myself. "Who are we not to love ourselves"??? We are perfect as God as created us. I noticed in your wording you are negative about ever finding anyone? If you believe that to be the case, then you have a problem. Tell yourself every day you are beautiful and great and you "will" find your perfect soulmate who understands you. My advise is go to venues you have an interest in, example no point going to pubs if you have no interest in them! Hang out in places you like, whether it be the gym, the library etc... Take some courses. Stop looking and get on with your life, stay positive and this is when it will all fall into place. You can not force the law of attraction. Believe in yourself.

dark crystal

If it's by choice, I don't see any issue with it at all. Some people love their own company and have completely fulfilling lives just doing their own thing.

However, I do think it can be hard for people who reach a certain age without having experienced any relationship at all, but have a real desire for one. I imagine it can be incredibly lonely for them at times.

I certainly wouldn't look down on anyone who had never formed a romantic relationship, though. It's no one else's place to judge.

I honestly cannot think of one marriage that I'm envious of, the lonliest people I know are married.

I think this attitude is just as judgemental as assuming all single people are unhappy, tbh.

efb

Judgemental thread is judgemental

irish son

efb wrote: »

Judgemental thread is judgemental

The world is judgemental.

Love2u

Amy33 wrote: »

I honestly cannot think of one marriage that I'm envious of, the lonliest people I know are married.

Amy, I hate to say it but when I was single for many years I too would use your motto to make myself feel good. The reality is that "no" relationship is perfect, and it's all about making it work. You can have a relationship any way you want it, you got to put in the work and effort.

You must not know many married people, and maybe they are telling you they have bad marriages to make you feel better for being single. I know lots of couples who have been married for years, and yes they all have problems but you deal with them and work through them, it's what marriage is all about. "For better, for worse".

The Big Red Button

All five of my dad's brothers are in their fifties and sixties, and all are still living together in the home they grew up in.

To the best of my knowledge, none of them have ever had any interest in dating. They're perfectly happy as they are, working hard on the farm, and getting out and about to go to a hurling match or to the cattle mart or to a good old funeral. They're not a bit lonely - they have each other, and plenty of relations and neighbours that they're friendly with. None of them drink or smoke, so they're very well off, and can afford to spend all the money they want on new cars and fancy farm machinery (and on spoiling their nieces and nephews! )

It's a different lifestyle, but they are very happy and content. I'm sure their neighbours probably think they're quite odd and eccentric, but as far as I'm concerned, they're free to live their lives as they choose. I don't see anything wrong with their choice.

Love2u

chatterpillar wrote: »

All five of my dad's brothers are in their fifties and sixties, and all are still living together in the home they grew up in.

To the best of my knowledge, none of them have ever had any interest in dating. They're perfectly happy as they are, working hard on the farm, and getting out and about to go to a hurling match or to the cattle mart or to a good old funeral. They're not a bit lonely - they have each other, and plenty of relations and neighbours that they're friendly with. None of them drink or smoke, so they're very well off, and can afford to spend all the money they want on new cars and fancy farm machinery (and on spoiling their nieces and nephews! )

It's a different lifestyle, but they are very happy and content. I'm sure their neighbours probably think they're quite odd and eccentric, but as far as I'm concerned, they're free to live their lives as they choose. I don't see anything wrong with their choice.

That is really sweet. Thanks for sharing.

DoozerT6

Love2u wrote: »

I sympathise with you, because I've been there. The best advise I can give to you is "stop trying", let it happen naturally. Also I invested in some great books, self healing books which made me realise at the time I did not love myself. "Who are we not to love ourselves"??? We are perfect as God as created us. I noticed in your wording you are negative about ever finding anyone? If you believe that to be the case, then you have a problem. Tell yourself every day you are beautiful and great and you "will" find your perfect soulmate who understands you. My advise is go to venues you have an interest in, example no point going to pubs if you have no interest in them! Hang out in places you like, whether it be the gym, the library etc... Take some courses. Stop looking and get on with your life, stay positive and this is when it will all fall into place. You can not force the law of attraction. Believe in yourself.

Haha, I stopped 'trying' years ago, believing that it would just 'happen'. Well, it hasn't, so at this stage I think I'm entitled to feel a little negative about the whole thing. Actually, maybe not negative - maybe realistic is more appropriate.

I am of the firm opinion that a lot of single people who fill their spare time with hobbies, courses, etc. are just trying to escape from the fact that they will be going home alone, to an empty house or flat, eat dinner for one and go to bed alone. But filling up every spare minute before that with activities means that they're probably too tired to focus on it lol...

Self esteem - well, while my self esteem regarding relationships is zero for obvious reasons, my personal self-esteem is ok, actually. I'm not unattractive, I am a nice person, easy to get on with and reasonably intelligent and witty - it's just unfortunate that this does not translate into men considering me as a partner.

While never having a relationship is not the be all and end all, it's surprising how much it infiltrates everyday life. For instance there is an unspoken barrier between me and the other women of a similar age at work as they all have husbands and kids and I don't. They spend a lot of time chatting about their kids and again I can't join in, or offer advice from experience like the other women can. And also not having had a boyfriend, or even ex-boyfriend, I don't even have any of those funny little relationship anecdotes that make everyone laugh. It's surprising how often things like that come up, especially regarding holidays, our college days, families, all that.

Of course it is unusual to have never had someone to call your boyfriend at this age, but hey, it happens and we're not all weird, gay, AS or whatever. sometimes we're just damn unlucky and can't seem to fix it.

_Kaiser_

I think something better to focus on is the pressure on people in this country that they MUST be in a relationship.. and a serious/committed one at that (if not actually married) by the time they're 25 or so.

No wonder then that so many people drift apart over the subsequent years, or actually start hating each other. I certainly didn't know who *I* was in my early to mid 20s and am a very different person 10 years-ish later

People who get involved so young may simply wake up one morning and realise that they/the person beside them are completely different to the one they married.

Personally having previously gone through periods of singledom at several stages of my life I've found that for the most part I'm quite ok with my own company - but there are times when you do miss being "with" someone (and I'm not talking about one night stands), but I can't see myself ever "settling" for someone either. There's just no point in the long run.

anncoates

Personally I would think it was sad if somebody never had a relationship. Not judgemental sad, just that it's a loss to never experience it.

Growing old alone would be lonely to me but obviously some want to and more power to them I suppose.

The thread title is misleading. I nearly avoided it as I thought it was purely a debate on marriage.

starlings

Though I have had relationships occasionally over the years, I could well end up being one of the people the OP describes. OP asks what we think of these people?

There was a "spinster" in the small rural town where I grew up. When I was a child she was probably in her 50s. I used to see her at mass, in a beautifully cut skirt suit, hair in a bun that mystified me as it had no pins and was wound round like a moebius strip, perfect posture, air of mystery...

...and I wanted to be just like her.

So when I think of these solitary people I wonder what, not who, is their greatest love - maybe it's an all-absorbing science or art, maybe they keep the most exquisite collection of orchids, maybe they have a talent for what is to my mind the most underrated form of love: friendship.

Maybe they have had a secret heartbreak, who knows? but they are very interesting. So why not get to know them, if they let you, instead of wondering with pity?

amacca

Love2u wrote: »

I sympathise with you, because I've been there. The best advise I can give to you is "stop trying", let it happen naturally.

I'm not so sure that works either tbh...as in been there done that, still no joy....how long should you try this approach unsuccessfully?

Love2u wrote: »

Also I invested in some great books, self healing books which made me realise at the time I did not love myself. "Who are we not to love ourselves"??? We are perfect as God as created us. I noticed in your wording you are negative about ever finding anyone? If you believe that to be the case, then you have a problem.

If it never works out for you over a long period of time its hard nigh on impossible to believe in yourself or have a positive outlook in this regard. Constant failure in my experience does not breed self love or a confident outlook - you start to question why god/fate etc left you in this sh1ttiest of situations you cant seem to dig yourself out of whether you make an effort or don't either way you keep getting rejected by anyone you fall for and ones you fall for are few and far between

Love2u wrote: »

Tell yourself every day you are beautiful and great and you "will" find your perfect soulmate who understands you. My advise is go to venues you have an interest in, example no point going to pubs if you have no interest in them! Hang out in places you like, whether it be the gym, the library etc... Take some courses. Stop looking and get on with your life, stay positive and this is when it will all fall into place. You can not force the law of attraction. Believe in yourself.

its hard to stay positive and believe in yourself when you start to believe that if god/any sort of cosmic justice or fairness does exist then he/they are out to get you.......despite this your advice above is good, might as well get on with life in places you want to get on with it, it least it gives you a chance of meeting someone with common interests etc

Love2u

DoozerT6 wrote: »

Haha, I stopped 'trying' years ago, believing that it would just 'happen'. Well, it hasn't, so at this stage I think I'm entitled to feel a little negative about the whole thing. Actually, maybe not negative - maybe realistic is more appropriate.

I am of the firm opinion that a lot of single people who fill their spare time with hobbies, courses, etc. are just trying to escape from the fact that they will be going home alone, to an empty house or flat, eat dinner for one and go to bed alone. But filling up every spare minute before that with activities means that they're probably too tired to focus on it lol...

Self esteem - well, while my self esteem regarding relationships is zero for obvious reasons, my personal self-esteem is ok, actually. I'm not unattractive, I am a nice person, easy to get on with and reasonably intelligent and witty - it's just unfortunate that this does not translate into men considering me as a partner.

While never having a relationship is not the be all and end all, it's surprising how much it infiltrates everyday life. For instance there is an unspoken barrier between me and the other women of a similar age at work as they all have husbands and kids and I don't. They spend a lot of time chatting about their kids and again I can't join in, or offer advice from experience like the other women can. And also not having had a boyfriend, or even ex-boyfriend, I don't even have any of those funny little relationship anecdotes that make everyone laugh. It's surprising how often things like that come up, especially regarding holidays, our college days, families, all that.

Of course it is unusual to have never had someone to call your boyfriend at this age, but hey, it happens and we're not all weird, gay, AS or whatever. sometimes we're just damn unlucky and can't seem to fix it.

I've been there for ten long years and i could write books on the highs and the lows. The right person shows up when it's suppose to. Unfortunately we can't make it happen when it suits us. It's a waiting game. Have faith.

Love2u

amacca wrote: »

I'm not so sure that works either tbh...as in been there done that, still no joy....how long should you try this approach unsuccessfully?




If it never works out for you over a long period of time its hard nigh on impossible to believe in yourself or have a positive outlook in this regard. Constant failure in my experience does not breed self love or a confident outlook - you start to question why god/fate etc left you in this sh1ttiest of situations you cant seem to dig yourself out of whether you make an effort or don't either way you keep getting rejected by anyone you fall for and ones you fall for are few and far between




its hard to stay positive and believe in yourself when you start to believe that if god/any sort of cosmic justice or fairness does exist then he/they are out to get you.......despite this your advice above is good, might as well get on with life in places you want to get on with it, it least it gives you a chance of meeting someone with common interests etc

I went through it all as I said to a previous poster, ten long years of it. No matter how much advise a person gives you it doesn't make you feel any better, however we have one life and its up to us to enjoy it the best we can. I didn't suggest any God or cosmic was out to get you if you had no partner. Have a little faith. Are you healthy? If you are be grateful for that, please find things to be greatful for rather than focusing on what you don't have right now. Be thankful for what you have and all will fall into place.

Addle

I'm a spinster.
And I find this thread really patronizing!

Love2u

Addle wrote: »

I'm a spinster.
And I find this thread really patronizing!

Should we request they shut the thread down?

Annasopra

Love2u wrote: »

Should we request they shut the thread down?

No; it's actually quite interesting and thought provoking

ShadowHearth

I have to say this topic is very similar to: "why don't you have kids? You need kids! Got get some kids!" I am all about to be able to choose yourself and just do what you want, not just what is "normal" in society.

If person himself decides to not have a partner, he is happy with that choice, then fair fecks to them and I wish them best of luck.
Though we do have people who are alone not by their own choice. I do feel sorry for them, but I would never look down on them. Life can **** on you, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Micky Dolenz

What do I think about people who didn't get married? The same I think about most people really.

What an odd query.

Love2u

mango salsa wrote: »

No; it's actually quite interesting and thought provoking

I agree

nacho libre

seven_eleven wrote: »

Whats your general opinion of people who never marry, or get into relationships? I mean people well past 25, and all the way up into their 60 beyond who have never had a life partner, or anybody significant in their lives?

Do you think its kind of sad? Do you look down upon them, or see them as slightly weird people?

/QUOTE]

I'd only find it sad if the men or women are single because of what other people deem sinful behaviour. The reality is this still occurs, but thankfully it probably isn't as prevalent as in the past.

StompToWork

Very interesting thread (eventually!!)

In my formative adult years, I considered myself to be a totally gormless, shy, unattractive fella, mainly because I was a totally gormless, shy, unattractive fella!! My social graces were pretty damn poor, and honestly, I had given up on trying too hard to form intimate relationships, because I just found it too hard - did I mention that I was also lazy??

Once I made the decision that I was heading down bachelor-dom, I stopped looking at every girl wondering "would she go out with me", it was liberating. What it did mean, however, is that I stopped looking at the opposite sex as potential partners, and more as just friends or another fellow human being to get to know. Once you remove the romactic pressure from the picture, it actually seems to happen automatically. Not only will you find someone you are both physically and emotionally attracted to, you will discover that you have more of an insight as to how they truly feel about you as well, before anything is said or done.

Long and short of it is that myself and herself have now been together for the last 13 years (14 in May), and we love each other very much. We haven't married yet because a) We are lazy - Weddings take a hell of a lot of planning and b) they are bloody expensive!!! Obviously, while we don't really subscribe to the traditional view of weddings, we will have an honest to goodness traditional irish wedding when the time comes, as we would hate to let our families and friends down!!

dd972

There are people who are simply not 'relationship people' or 'marriage people', what happens naturally and effortlessly for the bulk of humanity doesn't materialise for them, it's usually down to quirks of personality and the lack of some kind of 'X factor' for want of a better description that means they can't cut it in this realm of life.

Statistically there probably is 'someone for everyone', but what if that someone is walking around in Reykjavik or Toulouse and they're never going to bump into them?

The lyrics to 'that's how people grow up' by Morrissey sum it all up well.

Truncheon Rouge

Well yes OP
I do think its sad that someone should not marry and live in a detached house with a pointy roof, chimney with smoke coming out of it, and four windows [+] and not have 2 children, one boy and one girl.

daddy goes to the factory in the car and mammy stays at home with the babies and makes dinner.
boys like football and girls like dolls.

any deviation from this is sad and unusual.