What do you think of people who never marry?

nowanathiest

Only time in my life when I've been very unhappy was in marriage. I love being single...........can come and go as I please, don't have to answer to anyone. Most people are boring on a 24/7 basis. Most guys I meet now have awful kids and equally awful ex-wives..........they are mainly separated with no intention of getting divorced, but still looking for a partner who will put up with all this crap, preferably without kids and with a little money to restore them to the life they had become accustomed to. The older ones are looking for a future nurse. Who in their right minds would bother with them? v v difficult to meet an equal partner nowadays.

Single people with lots of interests and friends have a good quality of life - career, travel, disposable income. You can enjoy family life without having a spouse or kids.

Daveysil15

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40; maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.

The most important thing is not to forget the sunscreen.

dark crystal

nowanathiest wrote: »

Only time in my life when I've been very unhappy was in marriage. I love being single...........can come and go as I please, don't have to answer to anyone. Most people are boring on a 24/7 basis. Most guys I meet now have awful kids and equally awful ex-wives..........they are mainly separated with no intention of getting divorced, but still looking for a partner who will put up with all this crap, preferably without kids and with a little money to restore them to the life they had become accustomed to. The older ones are looking for a future nurse. Who in their right minds would bother with them? v v difficult to meet an equal partner nowadays.

Single people with lots of interests and friends have a good quality of life - career, travel, disposable income. You can enjoy family life without having a spouse or kids.

Good luck finding an equal partner.... You sound pretty hard to please.

Czarcasm

starlings wrote: »

This is assuming your chippy example wants to be in a relationship. Fair enough. But the judgement you've written about here is really just guesswork.

My elderly relatives ask why I'm not married, as though there's a concrete reason for it - rather than complex interactions between me and other people that didn't last, and as I only have a lopsided version of each story I can't even judge it myself. What really confuses them is that I don't really mind. I actually like a good conundrum.

(I do judge their reasons for asking though - my conclusion is that, as farmers, they are in the business of livestock and want to get me a ram :-P)

Eesh, don't get me started on the whole parent's marrying off their neighbours children to each other, see my post above about my own mother who still thinks I should've been married off to the neighbours daughter! :pac:

The example I used though was only an extreme example to demonstrate that as you say there are numerous reasons why a person might not find another person attractive, or even as attractive as they initially thought, it's not as easy as simply nailing it down to one particular reason, and nobody but the person themselves can tell you why they aren't attracted to you or not as attracted to you as they once were.

I also see so many times people are afraid to be themselves because of how they feel other people might judge them, and so they fake a persona that they think the person they're interested in will find attractive, but there's only so long a person can keep that up too.

As I've often tried to explain to my long suffering wife- people don't change, only their circumstances do! People can't change who they are, but they can change what they are and what they do, and thereby change their circumstances they find themselves in.

Somebody else in the thread earlier said life can be shìt, I'd rather put forward the idea that it's only as shìt as you let it be, because by the same token life can be fcuking fantastic if you're willing to put in the effort to oake it so.

Miss Lockhart

Czarcasm wrote: »

Well sure, my example above couldn't be applied across the board, because different people want different things, and like I said earlier in the thread, you can even discover things later on in a relationship about a person that can color your judgement of them in a negative, or even more positive light as it sometimes turns out.

I presume by the bolded bit above that this has happened to your reluctantly single friends- maybe they felt the person they were dating just wasn't right for them, even though that person thought they were. I've seen that happen a lot too (christ my mother any time I'm talking to her still insists on telling me how great such and such a girl would've been for me even though this girl has twenty years later moved on! Get over it already mam ffs! :pac:), but I would then suggest that the person doesn't really have a right to complain about being single when they are aware of the fact that they are attractive to a lot of people, just not the people they themselves are attracted to... if that makes sense?

I encourage anyone to have standards, and set them as high for themselves as they can, because as someone else earlier mentioned in the thread- it's better to be on your own and miserable, than to double your misery and inflict same misery on somebody who you don't "really" want to be with but are just settling for them for the sake of not being single.

In that scenario a person is doing themselves no favors, and even worse- they're doing the other person no favors either!

No, I personally don't think your theory applies to very many at all. The people my friends

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=

dated, some of whom remain part of their/our social circle, don't and didn't think they were the right person for them, so the relationship ended, usually amicably. Those exes still think that although they were not the right person, that these single people are people who should be able to find a partner, that there was no reason based on their behaviour in a romantic relationship that they would be undesirable as a partner.

I don't really get your statement about people having no right to complain. This is not a thread only about unattractive people who are single because of unrealistically high standards of physical beauty for their partner. Just because somebody finds you attractive doesn't mean you cant feel legitimately upset at being unable to find a suitable partner, if you want one.

Catphish

seven_eleven wrote: »

Do you think its kind of sad? Do you look down upon them, or see them as slightly weird people?

No, I don't think it's weird. But I think it's natural for people to wonder why they're single, be that they just haven't found the right person or if it is a personal choice. I'd certainly never look down on someone for being single, by choice or otherwise.

Czarcasm

Miss Lockhart wrote: »

No, I personally don't think your theory applies to very many at all. The people my friends

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=

dated, some of whom remain part of their/our social circle, don't and didn't think they were the right person for them, so the relationship ended, usually amicably. Those exes still think that although they were not the right person, that these single people are people who should be able to find a partner, that there was no reason based on their behaviour in a romantic relationship that they would be undesirable as a partner.

I'm genuinely confused by the above tbh, I mean, if your friends think there was no reason why their ex shouldn't be able to find a partner, then surely they must be able to theorise as to why THEY didn't want them as a partner surely? I'm still friendly with many of my ex's years later, and more have moved on and we didn't remain in contact, but many of them of course will be able to tell you straight away why they couldn't see us working out, or I could tell you why I couldn't see us working out, but I've honestly always thought the "it's not you, it's me" was an awful cop out in fairness, as in your friends see no reason why someone else wouldn't be suitable for your single friends, but THEY wouldn't date them, and when asked how come things didn't work out, they're rather coy about their reasons, instead of helping the person understand why they felt that person wasn't suitable for them.

I don't really get your statement about people having no right to complain. This is not a thread only about unattractive people who are single because of unrealistically high standards of physical beauty for their partner. Just because somebody finds you attractive doesn't mean you cant feel legitimately upset at being unable to find a suitable partner, if you want one.

Can you not see (Ohh, there's a word for it, not "contradiction", but I can't think of it off the top of my head) how the statement above is kind of like "I have a right to complain about being single because I can't find anyone I'm attracted to...", I mean, I personally wouldn't call that something to have a legitimate right to be upset about. I'd just call that self centred tbh. I meet many people like that too, but they don't last very long with me because I refuse to entertain that kind of nonsense. I'll put up with it for so long before it quickly gets old.

fat__tony

Chuck Stone wrote: »

I just think that's incredibly sad that someone never experienced all the amazing/wonderful/horrible/mad feelings that come with a relationship. I guess we never miss what we've never come to know though so it makes little difference.

You have to realise that not everyone is fortunate enough to be in a relationship in their lives.

Its all to do with luck no matter how outgoing, positive and focused a person is.

Nobody owes anyone a relationship or even a friendship.

I've have never being in a relationship and I'm 30. Do I feel I have missed out a little in life so far? Probably but I just go with the flow and try and enjoy life to the best of my abilities. I'm not socially awkward. I'm a confident, well-spoken guy who lives life to it's fullest.

If I meet someone I can connect with, then great. If not, that's just the way it is.

My belief is to keep expectations of other people we meet in our lives low and that way, you can never be disappointed.

My two cents.

Ranicand

Ranicand wrote: »

Yes it's called Aspergers and people like me find it impossible to form and maintain relationships.

Yes being born with a condition makes us weird and people have every right to look down on us.

However if I catch anybody looking down on me they had better run fast.

Stupid thread what business is it of yours or anybody else what relationships people do not have?

A new day and I regret the anger of my reply above.

I still think I had a valid point but I should have worded it as follows.

Many people with Aspergers never hook up due to finding it difficult to form relationships people with this condition can come across as weird due to not being very good at social interactions.
Furthermore people who have suffered sexual abuse may have issues with a sexual relationship.

There could be many more reasons but if somebody is a bit weird and single I don't think it is anybody's business but their own.

Lastly anybody who would choose to look down on people for that reason is a shallow nasty piece of work.

nowanathiest

dark crystal wrote: »

Good luck finding an equal partner.... You sound pretty hard to please.

thank you Dark Crystal. I genuinely take your comment as a compliment, because I have long been of the opinion that many people are bending over backwards to please, often to the detriment of their own good mental health. Society is awash with disfunctional relationships, but yet the herd mentality is that to be a "complete" person you must be in a romantic relationship.........as though all other relationships are somehow lesser in comparison.

To view a single person as being single just because you surmise that they have not met "the right person" is condescending and simplistic. They may very well have met several persons over the years that they could have married, but preferred an uncomplicated or unencumbered lifestyle. That is not a lesser choice, just a different one.

Ruudi_Mentari

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbZEGF1ABUU

starlings

fat__tony wrote: »

You have to realise that not everyone is fortunate enough to be in a relationship in their lives.

Its all to do with luck no matter how outgoing, positive and focused a person is.

Nobody owes anyone a relationship or even a friendship.

I've have never being in a relationship and I'm 30. Do I feel I have missed out a little in life so far? Probably but I just go with the flow and try and enjoy life to the best of my abilities. I'm not socially awkward. I'm a confident, well-spoken guy who lives life to it's fullest.

If I meet someone I can connect with, then great. If not, that's just the way it is.

My belief is to keep expectations of other people we meet in our lives low and that way, you can never be disappointed.

My two cents.

I wouldn't ever have low expectations of people I meet. Nor excessively high expectations, just open ones. I expect people to be fundamentally decent and to have at least a few adorable interests, quirks or stories that will surprise me one day with the thought that I really like this person. People almost always do, given a chance. (I'm talking about non-sexual/romantic liking here.) I don't expect them to like me back, or to find me an attractive prospect as a partner - that would be too high an expectation.

My million dollars worth.


reread your post and think you meant expecting a relationship from someone you meet, in which case I completely agree. Some people I know scare off potential partners with their need to have a relationship.

Miss Lockhart

Czarcasm wrote: »

I'm genuinely confused by the above tbh, I mean, if your friends think there was no reason why their ex shouldn't be able to find a partner, then surely they must be able to theorise as to why THEY didn't want them as a partner surely? I'm still friendly with many of my ex's years later, and more have moved on and we didn't remain in contact, but many of them of course will be able to tell you straight away why they couldn't see us working out, or I could tell you why I couldn't see us working out, but I've honestly always thought the "it's not you, it's me" was an awful cop out in fairness, as in your friends see no reason why someone else wouldn't be suitable for your single friends, but THEY wouldn't date them, and when asked how come things didn't work out, they're rather coy about their reasons, instead of helping the person understand why they felt that person wasn't suitable for them.

Of course they can say why they didn't want to remain in a relationship with them. In most cases they just didn't click properly, wanted different things from life. Pretty normal reasons tbh, none of which mean there is anything wrong with the other person.

To me it seems like you want to "blame" single people for not having found the right person for them. I genuinely cannot understand what other point you are trying to make.

Czarcasm wrote:

Can you not see (Ohh, there's a word for it, not "contradiction", but I can't think of it off the top of my head) how the statement above is kind of like "I have a right to complain about being single because I can't find anyone I'm attracted to...", I mean, I personally wouldn't call that something to have a legitimate right to be upset about. I'd just call that self centred tbh. I meet many people like that too, but they don't last very long with me because I refuse to entertain that kind of nonsense. I'll put up with it for so long before it quickly gets old.

I genuinely do not understand what you are talking about at all. If I were talking about people rejecting potential partners for shallow reasons I might, but I'm not. I'm talking about people who cannot find someone they are suited to sharing their life with - someone to cohabit and raise children with.

Nothing you are saying makes any sense to me in the context of the single pdople I know. They aren't assholes, they don't have ridiculous standards, they are not self centred, there is no nonsense to entertain.

Daveysil15

Kaiser2000 wrote: »

I think something better to focus on is the pressure on people in this country that they MUST be in a relationship.. and a serious/committed one at that (if not actually married) by the time they're 25 or so.

I can’t say I’ve experienced this in Ireland. I think you’re describing how Ireland was 20 or 30 years ago. Statistically, Irish people are not getting married as young as they used to, and seem to have a more casual attitude towards relationships nowadays.

I know a lot of Eastern Europeans who got married before the age of 25. They’re generally more traditional and I don’t think there’s as much pressure on Irish people to settle down.

Czarcasm wrote: »

To the other poster in this thread who says she has resigned herself to being single and not even forty years of age yet- stop thinking like that for christ sake and realise that the problem is you, not the people around you! You've a good 80 years left in you yet to sort out the crappy defeatist attitude and stop looking at what other people have that you don't, or vice versa.

80 years? WTF She's nearly 40. When did the average life expectancy of a woman become 120?

dd972

The amount of people I've encountered who are personally unappealing and unattractive that DO marry are equally dumbfounding as those who can't find anyone despite being good people.

Czarcasm

Miss Lockhart wrote: »

Of course they can say why they didn't want to remain in a relationship with them. In most cases they just didn't click properly, wanted different things from life. Pretty normal reasons tbh, none of which mean there is anything wrong with the other person.

To me it seems like you want to "blame" single people for not having found the right person for them. I genuinely cannot understand what other point you are trying to make.

The point I was making in the original post you took issue with is that there can be any number of reasons why someone might not want to date a person. The reasons aren't always as obvious as the person thinks they are. I had to use an exaggerated example to make the point as I didn't want some posters here thinking I was making personal attacks on them for their negative perceptions and their equally negative attitude.

I genuinely do not understand what you are talking about at all. If I were talking about people rejecting potential partners for shallow reasons I might, but I'm not. I'm talking about people who cannot find someone they are suited to sharing their life with - someone to cohabit and raise children with.

Whoa, whoa! Slow down there! That bolded bit right there might be one of the reasons why they might be finding it hard to find someone to have all those things with- because I'd call that a gun jumper or a bunny boiler if they were trying to move so fast tbh having only just met someone!

Nothing you are saying makes any sense to me in the context of the single pdople I know. They aren't assholes, they don't have ridiculous standards, they are not self centred, there is no nonsense to entertain.

Well of course nothing I'm saying is going to make any sense to you because we clearly have different experiences and perspectives. If it's not clear enough already, then YES, I am blaming single people for not having found the right person for them yet and then complaining about it. Complaining about it isn't going to resolve the issue and their energies would be far better spent working on themselves as a person and less on moaning about their inability to find someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with.

Miss Lockhart

Czarcasm wrote: »

The point I was making in the original post you took issue with is that there can be any number of reasons why someone might not want to date a person. The reasons aren't always as obvious as the person thinks they are. I had to use an exaggerated example to make the point as I didn't want some posters here thinking I was making personal attacks on them for their negative perceptions and their equally negative attitude.





Whoa, whoa! Slow down there! That bolded bit right there might be one of the reasons why they might be finding it hard to find someone to have all those things with- because I'd call that a gun jumper or a bunny boiler if they were trying to move so fast tbh having only just met someone!





Well of course nothing I'm saying is going to make any sense to you because we clearly have different experiences and perspectives. If it's not clear enough already, then YES, I am blaming single people for not having found the right person for them yet and then complaining about it. Complaining about it isn't going to resolve the issue and their energies would be far better spent working on themselves as a person and less on moaning about their inability to find someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with.

Yes. We clearly have very different perspectives. Again, I don't get your view at all.

None of the people concerned are bunny boilers (most are in fact men). Obviously they are not beginning each relationship expecting to end up married with kids. If it was that simple it would have been pointed out. Neither they, me or the rest of their social circle are idiots.

None of these people complain either. Those sort of people belong in another category to those I'm talking about. They live full normal lives. They work on themselves "as a person" as much as any other normal person - there's nothing wrong with them.

DoozerT6

Czarcasm wrote: »

Well of course nothing I'm saying is going to make any sense to you because we clearly have different experiences and perspectives. If it's not clear enough already, then YES, I am blaming single people for not having found the right person for them yet and then complaining about it. Complaining about it isn't going to resolve the issue and their energies would be far better spent working on themselves as a person and less on moaning about their inability to find someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with.

Czarcasm with all due respect, when you've spent 20+ years looking, seen absolutely everybody you know have several relationships before settling down (or not) and you're still flying solo at 39 having never even gone out to dinner with someone, then no matter what kind of silver lining you try to imagine, it still feels crappy, so I think we're entitled to a little anonymous moan on t'interwebz about feeling low about ourselves. I certainly feel very sad about never having said those two simple words: 'my boyfriend'. And no offense, but unless you've been in the situation yourself then you really have no idea how it feels, how you would react emotionally. If you are in this situation, then my apologies, and I admire your 'Keep Calm and Find a Boyfriend' attitude, that we can just go out and find someone. If it were that easy, don't you think those of us who wanted to, would have done so by now?

starlings

Czarcasm wrote: »

Whoa, whoa! Slow down there! That bolded bit right there might be one of the reasons why they might be finding it hard to find someone to have all those things with- because I'd call that a gun jumper or a bunny boiler if they were trying to move so fast tbh having only just met someone!

I second that, and would add that wanting "someone" to have a relationship with is dangerous, because you are looking for someone - who could be anyone - to fit in to your plan. The times I have had relationships have been when I fell in love with an individual living breathing person, not someone who looked like they might fit the bill I had advertised.

I think "why can't I meet someone?" is the wrong question, so it's no wonder the answers don't work out. It should be "why does every blushing cliché happen to me when I think of x?"

dark crystal

nowanathiest wrote: »

thank you Dark Crystal. I genuinely take your comment as a compliment, because I have long been of the opinion that many people are bending over backwards to please, often to the detriment of their own good mental health. Society is awash with disfunctional relationships, but yet the herd mentality is that to be a "complete" person you must be in a romantic relationship.........as though all other relationships are somehow lesser in comparison.

To view a single person as being single just because you surmise that they have not met "the right person" is condescending and simplistic. They may very well have met several persons over the years that they could have married, but preferred an uncomplicated or unencumbered lifestyle. That is not a lesser choice, just a different one.

I don't know what you took from my comment exactly, but I wasn't referring to your being single, I was referring to your dismissive attitude towards a huge swathe of the populace who also find themselves single.

If you find most people boring 24/7, think older men are simply looking for a future nurse and seperated men and their awful kids are not worth getting to know, who exactly do you consider to be an equal partner?

I think no less of anyone for the choices they make, whether they choose to be single or in a relationship. However, there is certainly an attitude apparant in your post which comes across as bitter. By all means, choose your own path in life and never settle for anything you don't feel is right for you, but don't accuse society of pigeonholing people, when you have done the exact same thing.

Miss Lockhart

starlings wrote: »

I second that, and would add that wanting "someone" to have a relationship with is dangerous, because you are looking for someone - who could be anyone - to fit in to your plan. The times I have had relationships have been when I fell in love with an individual living breathing person, not someone who looked like they might fit the bill I had advertised.

I think "why can't I meet someone?" is the wrong question, so it's no wonder the answers don't work out. It should be "why does every blushing cliché happen to me when I think of x?"

I agree completely. But it still doesn't apply to the vast majority of long term single people I know. In fact it applies to far more of the rarely singles.

shopaholic01

DoozerT6 wrote: »

Czarcasm with all due respect, when you've spent 20+ years looking, seen absolutely everybody you know have several relationships before settling down (or not) and you're still flying solo at 39 having never even gone out to dinner with someone, then no matter what kind of silver lining you try to imagine, it still feels crappy, so I think we're entitled to a little anonymous moan on t'interwebz about feeling low about ourselves. I certainly feel very sad about never having said those two simple words: 'my boyfriend'. And no offense, but unless you've been in the situation yourself then you really have no idea how it feels, how you would react emotionally. If you are in this situation, then my apologies, and I admire your 'Keep Calm and Find a Boyfriend' attitude, that we can just go out and find someone. If it were that easy, don't you think those of us who wanted to, would have done so by now?

Have you ever asked anyone out to dinner?

COYVB

I think no different of them than people who do marry

Czarcasm

Miss Lockhart wrote: »

Yes. We clearly have very different perspectives. Again, I don't get your view at all.

I can only speak from my own experience and those of my friends who have been or are currently single, so it turns out none of what I said is relevant to you or your friends, which in turn then makes me wonder why you took issue with my post in the first place when the hat clearly didn't fit.

None of the people concerned are bunny boilers (most are in fact men). Obviously they are not beginning each relationship expecting to end up married with kids. If it was that simple it would have been pointed out. Neither they, me or the rest of their social circle are idiots.

When did I ever say reluctantly single people were idiots? I think you're reading WAY too much into my posts and extrapolating like I have some issue with reluctantly single people. I really don't. My only point was that some single people in my experience don't seem to want to think that there could be numerous reasons why people wouldn't want to date them or are not attracted to them!

None of these people complain either. Those sort of people belong in another category to those I'm talking about. They live full normal lives. They work on themselves "as a person" as much as any other normal person - there's nothing wrong with them.

Well I didn't say there was anything wrong with your friends, it's the people who had dated them found fault with them, your issues are with them surely before you could possibly take issue with something I posted which is apparently completely irrelevant to you and your friends.

starlings

Miss Lockhart wrote: »

I agree completely. But it still doesn't apply to the vast majority of long term single people I know. In fact it applies to far more of the rarely singles.

you know, I can see both your side and Czarcasm's in this thread - as I said I like conundrums - and like you I have sometimes wondered why perfectly lovely single friends of mine are single. (Some of my friends wonder that about me. ) In the case of the single women, I can't explain it as I'm not a straight man or a lesbian; for the men, well if I don't fancy a sexual relationship with them, it's not really my business to be worrying on their behalf.

Czarcasm

Daveysil15 wrote: »

80 years? WTF She's nearly 40. When did the average life expectancy of a woman become 120?

She's nearly forty RIGHT NOW, when her average life expectancy is 85. When she was born, her average life expectancy at the time WAS only 40. Now by the time she gets to 80, medical advances by then will ensure that she has at least another 40 years on the clock.

DoozerT6

shopaholic01 wrote: »

Have you ever asked anyone out to dinner?

Not to dinner, but I have had three online dates (drinks) and they have all been initiated by me, fwiw...never went any further though, although I appreciate that is par for the course with online dating.

seenitall

Czarcasm wrote: »

but I would then suggest that the person doesn't really have a right to complain about being single when they are aware of the fact that they are attractive to a lot of people, just not the people they themselves are attracted to... if that makes sense?

I encourage anyone to have standards, and set them as high for themselves as they can, because as someone else earlier mentioned in the thread- it's better to be on your own and miserable, than to double your misery and inflict same misery on somebody who you don't "really" want to be with but are just settling for them for the sake of not being single.

So presumptious and, yes, judgmental. Why do you feel you have the right to deny someone giving out about being single on the basis of them being attractive? Would you have gone for your wife if you hadn't found her madly, irresistibly attractive? (I certainly hope that the answer is "no".) It's a long life to spend with someone one is not too pushed about, even when one is endowed with with all kinds of attractiveness.

For some people a relationship just doesn't happen as easily as for others, or at all, and I think that they (ok, I :pac:) are entitled to a good moan about it once in a while at least.

The funniest thing about that post of yours is that, right after the paragraph where you seem to slate some single people for being too picky, you wrote one where you're encouraging them to have high standards.

shopaholic01

DoozerT6 wrote: »

Not to dinner, but I have had three online dates (drinks) and they have all been initiated by me, fwiw...never went any further though, although I appreciate that is par for the course with online dating.

You should try it. You might have met men over the years who were too shy to ask you out, or may have thought you weren't interested,. That worst that can happen is that they say no.

I've no experience of internet dating so I can't comment on that, but I would imagine it's harder to gauge someone when you're chatting online.

starlings

seenitall wrote: »

So presumptious and, yes, judgmental. Why do you feel you have the right to deny someone giving out about being single on the basis of them being attractive? Would you have gone for your wife if you hadn't found her madly, irresistibly attractive? (I certainly hope that the answer is "no".) It's a long life to spend with someone one is not too pushed about, even when one is endowed with with all kinds of attractiveness.

For some people a relationship just doesn't happen as easily as for others, or at all, and I think that they (ok, I :pac:) are entitled to a good moan about it once in a while at least.

The funniest thing about that post of yours is that, right after the paragraph where you seem to slate some single people for being too picky, you wrote one where you're encouraging them to have high standards.

it makes sense if you read it as the right to complain about not having a relationship, and not look at the possible reasons for this, and accept that there are so many variables you might as well be complaining about the weather.

Also, while you have every right to complain, it's the least attractive thing you could do.

DoozerT6

DoozerT6 wrote: »

I am one of these people. I am in my late thirties, female and have never had a relationship. It simply never happened for me, no matter what I tried. Yes, I would love a relationship but I honestly don't see it happening for me now - well it hasn't up to now, so I don't see it changing as I get older and have to compete with girls 10-15 years younger than me.

For the people who envy the perma-single for their ability to do what they want, when they want - believe me, that gets old after 39 years of it. Of course, everybody likes a Saturday to themselves to chill out, relax, whatever, but NEVER having ANYBODY special in your life to stroll around town with, go on a weekend away with (no, I have never been on a weekend away), or just chill out and watch crappy DVD's with is incredibly lonely. Friends move on, have their own lives and families, and even though I hang out with them I can't help feeling like I'm just hanging onto the coat-tails of THEIR lives, being the third wheel, whatever. Often on weekends I do absolutely nothing. It's actually easier than constantly doing stuff alone and having nobody to share it with.

If a person is genuinely happiest alone, doesn't feel the need for romantic love and is fulfilled with hobbies, etc. then more power to them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that at all. But those of us who would love a partner to make us feel cared for, desired, half of a partnership etc. the loneliness can be palpable. And do you know what's worse than family/acquaintances teasing 'when are you going to find yourself a fella??'...when they STOP asking. That is worse. I have had workmates awkwardly change the subject of partners whenever it comes up around me because they sense that I cannot contribute to the discussion (I never discuss my relationship status, or lack thereof, in work. I wish I could. I would love to be able to have those normal 'meself and himself went to xxx restaurant on Sat night, it was lovely, have you been there?' conversations that are just everyday to other people).

Somebody mentioned also the fact that we have never known the pain of breaking up with someone. That is true. We have never experienced a normal, natural part of growing up that helps us grow as people and figure out what we what from a partner. I once had a friend (we were in our late 20's at the time) ring my mobile in floods of tears after her boyfriend broke up with her (it had been on the cards for a while) and I actually pretended not to be at home so she wouldn't come around and I wouldn't have to listen to her crying her heart out. Why? Because I was so fecking jealous of her actually having HAD the experience of someone loving her enough that they both cried their eyes out while they were ending their relationship. I honestly didn't think I could listen to her without crying myself. Yes, I was jealous of her tears. And sad for myself because nobody had ever felt that way about me. I just wanted to shake her and say 'don't you know how lucky you are to have had love like that in your life?'

That probably makes me sound like a bitch, a horrible friend, but I was so emotionally low about the whole thing at the time that it seemed like the only option for me.

Yes I have tried internet dating. Yes I have tried going to bars/clubs. Yes I have joined clubs etc. But I am never the one who gets 'picked'. And I have tried all the approaches: outrageous flirting, subtle flirting, no flirting at all, just chilling out, being friendly, enjoying myself and not thinking about finding a man....still nothing. When you see other people, who seem neither physically not emotionally attractive who never seem to be without a partner, it kinda makes you give up.

My name is DoozerT6 and I am (apparently) Involuntarily Celibate.

I'm 28, yet I feel exactly the same way you do.

For me, I just think I'm incapable of getting close to someone. Not because of any conditions or syndromes, just down to how life shaped me. On the other hand I've grown to accept it more in the last while.

Standman

I've gotten more and more disillusioned with the idea of marriage as I get older.

LizT

Standman wrote: »

I've gotten more and more disillusioned with the idea of marriage as I get older.

Same here. A lot of couple just seem to do it now because it's what society expects of them.

seenitall

shopaholic01 wrote: »

You should try it. You might have met men over the years who were too shy to ask you out, or may have thought you weren't interested,. That worst that can happen is that they say no.

I've no experience of internet dating so I can't comment on that, but I would imagine it's harder to gauge someone when you're chatting online.

LOL... asking a man out to dinner, sorry but that's just not the done thing.

Men don't even ask women out for dinner any more, let alone the other way round. I can just envisage "weirdo" or "scary" flashing through their minds, when I've now been turned down even for simple drinks quite enough, thank you.

shopaholic01

seenitall wrote: »

LOL... asking a man out to dinner, sorry but that's just not the done thing.

Men don't even ask women out for dinner any more, let alone the other way round. I can just envisage "weirdo" or "scary" flashing through their minds, when I've now been turned down even for simple drinks quite enough, thank you.

She mentioned never being asked out to dinner, hence my post. And yes, people do still ask people out for a meal.

Miss Lockhart

Czarcasm wrote: »

I can only speak from my own experience and those of my friends who have been or are currently single, so it turns out none of what I said is relevant to you or your friends, which in turn then makes me wonder why you took issue with my post in the first place when the hat clearly didn't fit.




When did I ever say reluctantly single people were idiots? I think you're reading WAY too much into my posts and extrapolating like I have some issue with reluctantly single people. I really don't. My only point was that some single people in my experience don't seem to want to think that there could be numerous reasons why people wouldn't want to date them or are not attracted to them!





Well I didn't say there was anything wrong with your friends, it's the people who had dated them found fault with them, your issues are with them surely before you could possibly take issue with something I posted which is apparently completely irrelevant to you and your friends.

Your initial post, although an exaggerated example, read as a generalisation that those who struggle to find a relationship have something wrong with them, even if it is not necessarily something obvious or what they might think themselves.

Your further post that such single people should work on themselves as people and are to blame for being single seems to confirm that you believe these people have something that needs to be fixed.

I posted to reject that generalisation as not having much merit. Not just for my single friends, who are certainly not exceptional, , but for the majority of long term single people.

Chavways

Ranicand wrote: »

You can grab what you like.

But if I live my life and obey the laws nobody has a right to look down on me.

http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS8yhExIvrzkNjSvSlAV6VRt2ePHTezc49bFiz27T_FWXqjQdkG

seenitall

starlings wrote: »

it makes sense if you read it as the right to complain about not having a relationship, and not look at the possible reasons for this, and accept that there are so many variables you might as well be complaining about the weather.

Also, while you have every right to complain, it's the least attractive thing you could do.

Well, I just didn't like the tone of that post. Perhaps I misunderstood what C was getting at..?

As for the unattractiveness of me complaining, thanks! Just another nail on the coffin of my eternal singledom then, I guess.

Greentopia

Well as I'm unmarried myself, (well) over 25 and unlikely to ever marry-by choice- obviously I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Horses for courses and all that.

And no I'm not unmarried because of how I look or any major personality or character defect. I'm not beautiful by any means, but I'm no minger either :cool: and I'm a kind and decent person I reckon.

I just never wanted to get married. Or have kids for that matter. So I haven't, simple as that.

The only thing I would not like is to end up alone in my old age like my Mum. But hopefully I'll have my life ordered in such a way that that won't happen.

Micky Dolenz

LizT wrote: »

Same here. A lot of couple just seem to do it now because it's what society expects of them.

A lot of it has to do with how the law in Ireland operates. Unmarried fathers have no automatic rights to their children. A man will children with a partner gets married and then he assumes all rights. Next of kin issues with unmarried couples etc etc.

I have mates who have children with long term partners who can't legally take them out of the country or make a medical call at a hospital if needed.

He could at the same time go through a legal route and become a legal guardian without marriage.

Tax affairs are another thing.

The way the laws are shaped strongly encourages marriage.

Czarcasm

DoozerT6 wrote: »

Czarcasm with all due respect, when you've spent 20+ years looking, seen absolutely everybody you know have several relationships before settling down (or not) and you're still flying solo at 39 having never even gone out to dinner with someone, then no matter what kind of silver lining you try to imagine, it still feels crappy, so I think we're entitled to a little anonymous moan on t'interwebz about feeling low about ourselves. I certainly feel very sad about never having said those two simple words: 'my boyfriend'. And no offense, but unless you've been in the situation yourself then you really have no idea how it feels, how you would react emotionally. If you are in this situation, then my apologies, and I admire your 'Keep Calm and Find a Boyfriend' attitude, that we can just go out and find someone. If it were that easy, don't you think those of us who wanted to, would have done so by now?

Ah no Doozer, I don't mean to come off as a hard ass, and certainly I can empathise with your situation in which you find yourself. I guess it wouldn't have taken captain obvious to guess that your earlier post was indeed the post I was referring to, but I didn't want to pick you up on it and come off as a patronising prick either. It's not my place to tell you how to live your life and certainly I wouldn't deny anyone a few bytes to moan on the Internet.

I've certainly been in the situation when I was younger and thought "I'll never find anybody" (sometimes I still pinch myself when I wake up that I was lucky enough to find my wife; she kicks herself that she found me, but that's a whole other thread! ).

But I know OF people who thought they would be eternally single, such as my friend I've known for the last 20 years who was never bothered about meeting one special person as in his own words he shared his life with many special people, he's now well into his fifties and dating a cracking girl for the last two years, as if the last forty odd years of singledom never even happened!

Another friend of mine is a 46 year old divorced woman who was married to her secondary school sweetheart at 16 and found herself divorced at 44 with four children ranging in ages from ten to eighteen.

She almost resigned herself to being undateable, thought she'd never find anyone again that would love her or that she could find to love. A couple of months later she'd nabbed herself a toy boy and you'd swear she was 16 again the way she goes on. Lovely woman but sometimes it does feel indeed like I'm talking to a giddy teenager! The change in her has been like night and day! She's happy and more power to her, but that'll be the last time I buy any of my friends a vibrator as a joke for their birthday in an attempt to cheer them up! :pac:

I guess all I'm saying is that just because it hasn't happened for you yet Doozer doesn't mean it WON'T happen, and I do wish you weren't so quick to write yourself off. It hasn't worked out for you yet is all, but there are any amount of opportunities for you to make it happen for yourself, one being just to cast your net a bit wider.

Someone else in the thread mentioned that a person in Dublin won't meet the person that might be right for them in Montreal or whatever, but there you go again, through the magic of t'Internet it brings you both a lot closer!

seenitall

shopaholic01 wrote: »

She mentioned never being asked out to dinner, hence my post. And yes, people do still ask people out for a meal.

I am a long-time single person living in a medium sized Irish town. Among the single people who I meet, dinners are unheard of, at least as the first-date option. Too formal, too "scary", I guess.

starlings

seenitall wrote: »

I am a long-time single person living in a medium sized Irish town. Among the single people who I meet, dinners are unheard of, at least as the first-date option. Too formal, too "scary", I guess.

it's always nice to ask, or to be asked, to go for a walk.

wandatowell

LizT wrote: »

A lot of couple just seem to do it now because it's what society expects of them.

Thats fcukin bull***t


Its all about the tax credits :pac:

seenitall

starlings wrote: »

it's always nice to ask, or to be asked, to go for a walk.

Yes, a nice idea. Perhaps I'll try that the next time where I get turned down. It'll make a change from drinks at least.

shopaholic01

seenitall wrote: »

Yes, a nice idea. Perhaps I'll try that the next time where I get turned down. It'll make a change from drinks at least.

So you expect to be turned down before you ask?

mariaalice

When I read threads like this I am more convinced than ever that the INTERNET has pulled off the neat trick of both enslaving and freeing people.

I am middle aged and when I was growing up lots of the neighbours were elderly people who had never married nobody passed any comment on this it was just part of life, I doubt they though there was anything personally "wrong" with themselves for not being married however nowadays people are bombarded with informations and end up feeling that it is somehow there fault that they are not in a relationships and the idea of acceptance of how thing turn out seems to be lost and there is constant questioning of everything and a lot of judgement.

seenitall

shopaholic01 wrote: »

So you expect to be turned down before you ask?

Always. My experience has shown me no different outcome to my initiatives in, er, some years.

(Which logically tells me that I should stop trying and that if it happens at all for me, it will be at the man's initiative. It's just unfortunate that I seemingly have this quirk in the personality whereby I like to choose my guy, rather than him choosing me.)

Wanderer2010

Makes no difference to me if someone is single, married, gay etc as long as I can connect with them, if i cant then I move on thats just life. What I hate is people who just exclude you in the workplace if you dont share everything of your personal life with them, as if talking about a relationship is the only thing thats important in daily life. There are far too many shallow and judgemental people out there who only interact with you if you are in a relationship and deem you unworthy and weird if you arent. Sad.

Lawrence1895

wandatowell wrote: »

Thats fcukin bull***t


Its all about the tax credits :pac:

I would call it like that, some maybe don't want to be disowned by their parents?