What do you think of people who never marry?

SHOVELLER

Legends

dark crystal

nowanathiest wrote: »

What I took from your quote Dark Horse was your very obvious implication that I must be single because in your eyes I am "difficult to please". Your a bit of a sniper aren't you........shoot the bullet then hide and pretend you didn't send it??

This time round you have accused me of being "bitter".........bitter about what exactly? I have a good life with nothing to be bitter about. My posting is a detatched observation of of the over 45's single scene currently, but I do appear to have touched a nerve with you with these observations.........anything you want to share with us?

Read your original post back again and then tell me who was doing the sniping.

Ihatecuddles-old

Daveysil15 wrote: »

Personally I find it flattering and a huge boost for my delicate ego. :pac: Even if I don't find her attractive, I will always politely decline and in some cases still reciprocate the chat, as long as she's not been too aggressive.

Exactly, everyone likes to feel attractive and desirable. Men are no different.

Love2u

Ihatecuddles wrote: »

What if he's lacking in confidence? or thinks you're not interested?

I've found guys to be shocked when I've asked them out, I think its nice. Takes the pressure off them, the worst they can say is no. I'd rather ask and have them say no, than wait for them to ask me.

That's true but I'd wonder would some guys think its off putting or desperado style !! ??

Ihatecuddles-old

Love2u wrote: »

That's true but I'd wonder would some guys think its off putting or desperado style !! ??

I haven't found that to be the case, I think guys like confident women that show an interest in them. You're not begging them, you're just simply asking if they fancy getting a drink sometime.

Do you see me as desperate for asking guys out? I definitely don't.

Daveysil15

Love2u wrote: »

That's true but I'd wonder would some guys think its off putting or desperado style !! ??

Nothing desperate about it as long as you're not going around pouncing on every man you see, and giving off a, "Jasus I'm so horny I'd get up on a hairy hand," sort of vibe. Other than that you'll be grand.

Love2u

Daveysil15 wrote: »

Nothing desperate about it as long as you're not going around pouncing on every man you see, and giving off a, "Jasus I'm so horny I'd get up on a hairy hand," sort of vibe. Other than that you'll be grand.

Lol.

batistuta9

batistuta9 wrote: »

if it's not by choice that they've never had a long term relationship, significant person in their life, had a prospect of marriage whilst they would want these things then it's sad and you'd feel sorry for them

Not sure "feel sorry for" is the words I would use either. And if your interpretation of the OP is correct then why even limit the conversation to marriage? The world is full of people who want X in life but get Y instead - or nothing at all. Money - education - sex - relationships - children - that dream job - a role in a musical - we could list all day and not even dent the possibilities.

I can not honestly say I "feel sorry for" such people - I just grudgingly accept that this is the human condition and we can't always get what we want.

Earthhorse

Deleted User wrote: »

Not sure "feel sorry for" is the words I would use either. And if your interpretation of the OP is correct then why even limit the conversation to marriage? The world is full of people who want X in life but get Y instead - or nothing at all. Money - education - sex - relationships - children - that dream job - a role in a musical - we could list all day and not even dent the possibilities.

Sure, but they're not quite the same in that they don't fulfil that basic human need for intimate connection (not just intimate friendship). Money can be earned with hard work or you can save to build it up. Education is again mostly a question of working hard; plenty of books in your library, plenty of online resources, it may not be certification which we can't all afford but it still education.

In short, you probably have more agency over those other life goals than you do whether someone wants to be with you because it's all down to the choices you make and not contingent on someone making a similar choice to be with you.

amacca

Earthhorse wrote: »

Sure, but they're not quite the same in that they don't fulfil that basic human need for intimate connection (not just intimate friendship). Money can be earned with hard work or you can save to build it up. Education is again mostly a question of working hard; plenty of books in your library, plenty of online resources, it may not be certification which we can't all afford but it still education.

In short, you probably have more agency over those other life goals than you do whether someone wants to be with you because it's all down to the choices you make and not contingent on someone making a similar choice to be with you.

totally agreed

you cant always get what you want

but if you try sometimes you get what you need

except imo when it comes to relationships for some people

xLexie

They obviously have smarts.
I know a couple who were married for almost 30 years, and apparently the last 25 years or so of the marriage, he lived downstairs, she lived upstairs. Great setup!

Czarcasm

Earthhorse wrote: »

Sure, but they're not quite the same in that they don't fulfil that basic human need for intimate connection (not just intimate friendship). Money can be earned with hard work or you can save to build it up. Education is again mostly a question of working hard; plenty of books in your library, plenty of online resources, it may not be certification which we can't all afford but it still education.

In short, you probably have more agency over those other life goals than you do whether someone wants to be with you because it's all down to the choices you make and not contingent on someone making a similar choice to be with you.

It's a question of individual perspectives and priorities really- you could say the same about someone who is perpetually single that they just haven't made enough effort to find somebody who would like to be with them in a romantic or sexual way.

DEFTLEFTHAND

Men and women aren't compatible. Different wavelengths.

starlings

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

Men and women aren't compatible. Different wavelengths.

maybe you're on the wrong frequency?

Tearwave

xLexie wrote: »

They obviously have smarts.
I know a couple who were married for almost 30 years, and apparently the last 25 years or so of the marriage, he lived downstairs, she lived upstairs. Great setup!

Class

Sound of Silence

Ihatecuddles wrote: »

I haven't found that to be the case, I think guys like confident women that show an interest in them. You're not begging them, you're just simply asking if they fancy getting a drink sometime.

Do you see me as desperate for asking guys out? I definitely don't.

I definitely don't see it as desperation, and I'm sure I'm not alone in that belief.

Some girls have a tendency to be far too cryptic in their advances, so to meet someone who's clear on where they want to go is great.

Also, it helps out an awkward guy like myself.

Norwesterner

xLexie wrote: »

They obviously have smarts.
I know a couple who were married for almost 30 years, and apparently the last 25 years or so of the marriage, he lived downstairs, she lived upstairs. Great setup!

More common than you think.
Why do you think allotments and garden sheds etc are so popular with middle aged married men.
I know several married men who confided in me that they have been refused sex for over 2-3 years.
I know another who owns a quite large house, but spends his entire day in a small caravan parked out the back (where he cooks and eats alone and reads books).
I'm personally divorced and would NEVER remarry.
My sex life is more active than my first year of marriage.
I'm more relaxed. I have more freedom and independence.
I'm infinately more happy.
Me and the ex wife even get on better than when married.
I expect to die unmarried.

I have asked a few girls out myself, they've all used the "I have a boyfriend" line. I haven't asked anyone for about 5 years though.

Anyone here find that goin to a same sex school a social hindrance initially after leaving school?
I know quite a few guys in the class who were terrified of women!! Personally I found it arkward initially but college and work fixed all that buuuut some of those guys who were really bad socially stayed really bad.

Deleted User

Deleted User wrote: »

Anyone here find that goin to a same sex school a social hindrance initially after leaving school?
I know quite a few guys in the class who were terrified of women!! Personally I found it arkward initially but college and work fixed all that buuuut some of those guys who were really bad socially stayed really bad.

Definitely. That was my experience anyway. Nowadays I'm more comfortable talking to women than men though.

Czarcasm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Anyone here find that goin to a same sex school a social hindrance initially after leaving school?
I know quite a few guys in the class who were terrified of women!! Personally I found it arkward initially but college and work fixed all that buuuut some of those guys who were really bad socially stayed really bad.

Ahh come on, no, no offence meant to you or anything blind justice but that's a myth and an excuse I hear far too often bandied about so much so that it really gets on my tits any time it's thrown out there.

If you were socially inept or awkward in school, you were always going to be socially awkward, doesn't matter if you went to a single sex or mixed sex school. I went to a single sex school and had no problems mixing with the opposite sex. I would say I had issues mixing with people in general, but because I was able to disguise it, most people never noticed, only when I felt confident enough and comfortable enough with somebody did I drop the facade and let them get to know, well, what I was REALLY like, which, in truth, sometimes didn't always work out, BUT, when it DID, those are people I'm still great friends with to this day, Including even ex-girlfriends going back 20 years!

Ruudi_Mentari

I find people that don't want matrimony with a long term partner who they really fell for in that regard, weird. Well either that or just bottlers...

the_syco

Love2u wrote: »

I was raised in a very catholic household, we were not ever to ask a man for a date. How does the man feel about the woman asking him out? If its not an issue then i say go for it. It's not something I would feel comfortable doing.

I take it you'll also not be having sex before marriage?

Czarcasm

the_syco wrote: »

I take it you'll also not be having sex before marriage?

I'm not so sure that's what she means by being raised in "a very Catholic household" syco.

I took it to mean her parents, like mine, were "devout" catholics, when it suited them, as in -

"We'all all kneel now and say ten decades of the rosary...", while at the same time thinking "get a line wrong, and we'll quite happily beat the shyte out of you!".

Some people called it teaching you discipline and respect and "knowing your place". Nowadays we're all a little bit wiser, but there are still pockets of it up and down the country where some miserable bastards will inflict their own particular brand of control freakery and brain washing disguised as being "devout" catholics.

Czarcasm

Czarcasm wrote: »

If you were socially inept or awkward in school, you were always going to be socially awkward,

Thats simply not true.

Tearwave

Ruudi_Mentari wrote: »

I find people that don't want matrimony with a long term partner who they really fell for in that regard, weird. Well either that or just bottlers...

What if both people in the relationship have no interest whatsoever in religion, and don't have kids. How are they "bottlers"? What difference does a bit of paper have on the love 2 people feel for each other?

Czarcasm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Thats simply not true.

I mean it in the context that if you were socially awkward going into school, you were socially awkward to begin with. Being socially awkward IMO anyway is a personality trait, which causes a behaviour, and if not addressed, will continue to cause that behaviour.

I've had to address my own socially awkward behaviour for the last 30 odd years, it's part of who I am as a person. I can't change who I am as a person, but I CAN change my behaviour. I would say this is what you are noticing more so in your friends, that rather than them changing as a person, it is rather their behaviour that has changed.

They're still the same socially awkward person, but that now they have learned to adapt their behaviour and overcome it in some instances.

I deal with the public every day in my jobs (I'm self employed and also do voluntary work), so I have had to try and overcome my own social awkwardness and adapt and adjust my behaviour according as the situation demands, but I still struggle on a daily basis with doing so, and as I posted earlier- it really CAN be both physically and most certainly mentally, draining.

gammygils

There are people both male and female in my opinion who just don't want to get married or share their lives with another person. I know loads of people like this. They are set in their ways or whatever. They are happy with their lot.
There are also lots of people out there who do but just haven't met their soulmate. I feel sorry for them. It can easily happen.

But it's never too late to fall in love

Greentopia

xLexie wrote: »

They obviously have smarts.
I know a couple who were married for almost 30 years, and apparently the last 25 years or so of the marriage, he lived downstairs, she lived upstairs. Great setup!

I can see the merits of such a sensible, albeit unconventional, domestic arrangement.

Two wonderfully talented, beautiful, creative and free spirited women I adore-Frida Kahlo and Helena Bonham Carter, lived in and live respectively, separate but adjoining houses with their partners Diego Rivera and Tim Burton.

I don't think marriage is a necessary part of such a set up though.
Indeed Tim and Helena have been happily unwed together for 13 years raising 2 children.

I should hope some day to be luckily enough to have such a living arrangement for myself, if I have the funds to do so. And the partner... :pac:

I can see it being a recipe for a very happy and enduring relationship to have such a separate and independent yet intertwined life with a partner.

One of the biggest reasons in my experience why relationships break up is the dull, grinding, tedious domestic routine that ensues after one moves in together with one's partner, whether married or unmarried.

It sucks all the romance and mystery out of the relationship IMO. Far better to have one's own quiet space when one needs it and come together for shared experiences.

Perhaps the divorce rate wouldn't be soaring the way it is if more people thought of following Frida and Helena's example.

Of course they had the means to have two adjoining houses with their respective partners but rooms/workshops can be built on by some, or existing properties with sufficient space divided up in an upstairs/downstairs arrangement as you stated.

Daveysil15

gammygils wrote: »

There are also lots of people out there who do but just haven't met their soulmate.

There are lots of people haven't met anybody, let alone a soulmate - if there even is a such thing.

Legs.Eleven

Karsini wrote: »

I have asked a few girls out myself, they've all used the "I have a boyfriend" line. I haven't asked anyone for about 5 years though.

I've given that "line" because I've actually had a boyfriend? Strange you would presume it's an excuse. How do you know it was just a line? I don't know but the fact that you would presume that even though it's very likely might hint that you don't have a huge amount of confidence in yourself. Is that the reason you haven't asked anyone else out?

Addle

Greentopia wrote: »

I can see the merits of such a sensible, albeit unconventional, domestic arrangement.

Two wonderfully talented, beautiful, creative and free spirited women I adore-Frida Kahlo and Helena Bonham Carter, lived in and live respectively, separate but adjoining houses with their partners Diego Rivera and Tim Burton.

I don't think marriage is a necessary part of such a set up though.
Indeed Tim and Helena have been happily unwed together for 13 years raising 2 children.

I should hope some day to be luckily enough to have such a living arrangement for myself, if I have the funds to do so. And the partner... :pac:

I can see it being a recipe for a very happy and enduring relationship to have such a separate and independent yet intertwined life with a partner.

One of the biggest reasons in my experience why relationships break up is the dull, grinding, tedious domestic routine that ensues after one moves in together with one's partner, whether married or unmarried.

It sucks all the romance and mystery out of the relationship IMO. Far better to have one's own quiet space when one needs it and come together for shared experiences.

Perhaps the divorce rate wouldn't be soaring the way it is if more people thought of following Frida and Helena's example.

Of course they had the means to have two adjoining houses with their respective partners but rooms/workshops can be built on by some, or existing properties with sufficient space divided up in an upstairs/downstairs arrangement as you stated.

I also admired their rumoured set up, but HBC has admitted that it's really not the case.
Though they do live in a really big house so each have their own space.

Daveysil15

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

I've given that "line" because I've actually had a boyfriend? Strange you would presume it's an excuse. How do you know it was just a line? I don't know but the fact that you would presume that even though it's very likely might hint that you don't have a huge amount of confidence in yourself. Is that the reason you haven't asked anyone else out?

It still doesn't make the rejection any easier I suppose, regardless of wheather its true or not. Although 5 years is a long time to not ask anyone out. No excuse for that. Some guys just quit after a few rejections.

Sam Kade

seven_eleven wrote: »

Whats your general opinion of people who never marry, or get into relationships? I mean people well past 25, and all the way up into their 60 beyond who have never had a life partner, or anybody significant in their lives?

Do you think its kind of sad? Do you look down upon them, or see them as slightly weird people?

I'm curious to know, as I dont think I struggle to think of many adults who have no partner.

I reckon they must be millionaires.

krudler

Love2u wrote: »

That's true but I'd wonder would some guys think its off putting or desperado style !! ??

That a woman knows what she wants enough to ask directly? Not offputting at all, the opposite in fact.

Love2u

the_syco wrote: »

I take it you'll also not be having sex before marriage?

Syco your going off topic. However, just because I was raised in a strict environment (as was most in my day), doesn't mean I took heed of everything my parents believed in. In fact when I left home at 17 I did my own thing. I'm 35 now so I'm focused on my career and I don't bother with clubs or pubs anymore.

Love2u

the_syco wrote: »

I take it you'll also not be having sex before marriage?

Syco your going off topic. However, just because I was raised in a strict environment (as was most in my day), doesn't mean I took heed of everything my parents believed in. In fact when I left home at 17 I did my own thing. I'm 35 now so I'm focused on my career and I don't bother with clubs or pubs anymore.

Love2u

Czarcasm wrote: »

I'm not so sure that's what she means by being raised in "a very Catholic household" syco.

I took it to mean her parents, like mine, were "devout" catholics, when it suited them, as in -

"We'all all kneel now and say ten decades of the rosary...", while at the same time thinking "get a line wrong, and we'll quite happily beat the shyte out of you!".

Some people called it teaching you discipline and respect and "knowing your place". Nowadays we're all a little bit wiser, but there are still pockets of it up and down the country where some miserable bastards will inflict their own particular brand of control freakery and brain washing disguised as being "devout" catholics.

Thanks Czar
The advantage was they made me become a lady who has respect for myself and others. I actually never heard them say the no sex before marriage, however we were told the importance of having sex only with a man we cared for and loved. The catholic teaching had its advantages and disadvantages. It's not something I want to get too deeply into on this thread.

Love2u

Czarcasm wrote: »

I'm not so sure that's what she means by being raised in "a very Catholic household" syco.

I took it to mean her parents, like mine, were "devout" catholics, when it suited them, as in -

"We'all all kneel now and say ten decades of the rosary...", while at the same time thinking "get a line wrong, and we'll quite happily beat the shyte out of you!".

Some people called it teaching you discipline and respect and "knowing your place". Nowadays we're all a little bit wiser, but there are still pockets of it up and down the country where some miserable bastards will inflict their own particular brand of control freakery and brain washing disguised as being "devout" catholics.

Thanks Czar
The advantage was they made me become a lady who has respect for myself and others. I actually never heard them say the no sex before marriage, however we were told the importance of having sex only with a man we cared for and loved. The catholic teaching had its advantages and disadvantages. It's not something I want to get to deeply into on this thread.

trickymicky

To be honest i dont have any problem with anyone that doesnt marry. In my opinion all it is is a ring on the finger and an expensive day out and it wouldn change how much i loved the person. Saying that i will more than likely end up getting married as the other half really wants that ring and the dress and that expensive day out and to have all eyes on her for that so called "special day"

xLexie

trickymicky wrote: »

To be honest i dont have any problem with anyone that doesnt marry. In my opinion all it is is a ring on the finger and an expensive day out and it wouldn change how much i loved the person. Saying that i will more than likely end up getting married as the other half really wants that ring and the dress and that expensive day out and to have all eyes on her for that so called "special day"

Well I suppose as long as one of ye really wants it.

trickymicky

xLexie wrote: »

Well I suppose as long as one of ye really wants it.

well if that makes her happy who am i to deny her that day. sur at least il get a honeymoon out of it ha. ah the things you do for love :rolleyes:.

xLexie

trickymicky wrote: »

well if that makes her happy who am i to deny her that day. sur at least il get a honeymoon out of it ha. ah the things you do for love :rolleyes:.

Think it's a bit strange going ahead with a lifelong commitment, just so your girlfriend has eyes on her for the day. I'd be of the opinion you should get married because both of you want to, for each other, not a dress.

But hey, don't mind me, I'd be old fashioned like that.

blatantrereg

I think it's none of my business.

Legs.Eleven

Daveysil15 wrote: »

It still doesn't make the rejection any easier I suppose, regardless of wheather its true or not. Although 5 years is a long time to not ask anyone out. No excuse for that. Some guys just quit after a few rejections.

Well the fact that it's a genuine reason should make a difference, particularly if the person is a stranger and you'd no feelings for them beyond just fancying them. It certainly would for me unless I was already emotionally invested in that person. I suppose what interests me is the fact that the poster presumed it was a lie when it could well have been the truth. Taking every rejection you get personally is a recipe for disaster but I know it's easier said than done.

trickymicky

xLexie wrote: »

Think it's a bit strange going ahead with a lifelong commitment, just so your girlfriend has eyes on her for the day. I'd be of the opinion you should get married because both of you want to, for each other, not a dress.

But hey, don't mind me, I'd be old fashioned like that.

Your grand but honestly, i love my girlfriend and want to be with her for the rest of my life.

Im not saying that im totally against marriage, but if didnt have to, i wouldn kinda thing. im just not bothered by the whole ceremony and unionification aspect of it.

But what women want, women get and il get all suited up for the day and have a genuine smile on my face knowing that what im doin will make her happy.

Vojera

It depends on the person.

I have two friends who are long-term single (>10 years) and I feel a little bad for one of them and not the other. Why? Because of their differing attitudes. One of them is happily single, and just enjoys his own space. He's rather indifferent about the idea of getting into a long-term thing. The other is really upset by the fact that he isn't in a long-term relationship and thinks there must be something wrong with him. I don't understand why he's single - he's definitely the nicest guy you could meet, and good-looking to boot, but things just haven't worked out for him.

Saying that, I also know that the uncle of a friend was a conformed bachelor his whole life, and it was only when my friend accidentally saw him in the George he realised that the uncle was actually gay but was of the old-fashioned generation that couldn't admit it to his family, so he stayed single and travelled up to Dublin every few months. That story made me really sad.

blatantrereg

Ranicand wrote: »

Yes it's called Aspergers and people like me find it impossible to form and maintain relationships.

Yes being born with a condition makes us weird and people have every right to look down on us.

However if I catch anybody looking down on me they had better run fast.

Stupid thread what business is it of yours or anybody else what relationships people do not have?

It's incredibly ignorant to say that having Asperger's prevents relationships, or that people with it have no interest in them. It's not unusual at all for people with Asperger's to have happy successful relationships. I don't think it's the norm at all for Aspies to be constantly single. Might be an issue during adolescence, but most people develop past issues they might have in adolescence.

Stupid post. It propagates negative ideas about Asperger's, while posing as doing the opposite.

Daveysil15

trickymicky wrote: »

Your grand but honestly, i love my girlfriend and want to be with her for the rest of my life.

Im not saying that im totally against marriage, but if didnt have to, i wouldn kinda thing. im just not bothered by the whole ceremony and unionification aspect of it.

As long as she can get to grips with your tricky micky you'll be grand.

Legs.Eleven

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

I've given that "line" because I've actually had a boyfriend? Strange you would presume it's an excuse. How do you know it was just a line? I don't know but the fact that you would presume that even though it's very likely might hint that you don't have a huge amount of confidence in yourself. Is that the reason you haven't asked anyone else out?

Daveysil15 wrote: »

It still doesn't make the rejection any easier I suppose, regardless of wheather its true or not. Although 5 years is a long time to not ask anyone out. No excuse for that. Some guys just quit after a few rejections.

Surprisingly I didn't take the rejections too badly at all at the time, I remembered feeling good that I had the guts to do it in the first place. I think the reason I stopped asking was just that I stopped caring.