''Friends with Benifits'' Can it work ?

andym1

In the early 90s ( I am 50), I shared a flat with another guy I worked with and 2 women. Over time I started to sleep with one of the women and we would get it on occasionly, normally one of us would come home pissed and go to bed and have a good shag but she fell in love with me and It happened again 3 years later in a different gaff when I fell in love with her (different woman)

I think either you or her (him) will crack and want more than just casual sex and want a relationship with the other so I think It normally ends in tears so Friends with benifits is usually short lived. Ever been there ?

Catphish

For the odd few maybe, though in most cases one or the other develops strong feelings for the other then it starts getting messy. So largely speaking, no. Given your own experiences of it, you've more or less answered it for yourself anyway.

Three Seasons

Can we define what working means?

seenitall

I had one such relationship in my life and was very happy with it.

It works as long as the 'friends' part is kept in the foreground, the 'benefits' part in the background - a true bonus.

Unfortunately, something about sex seems to make it impossible for most people.

Prodigious

seenitall wrote: »

I had one such relationship in my life and was very happy with it.

It works as long as the 'friends' part is kept in the foreground, the 'benefits' part in the background.

Unfortunately, something about sex seems to make it impossible for most people.

I wonder what it is? :rolleyes:

seenitall

Prodigious wrote: »

I wonder what it is? :rolleyes:

Me too! Any ideas?

Sauve

It will work only in a situation where neither party (truthfully) have ANY romantic feelings towards the other.
Being open and upfront, and knowing exactly where both people stand is very important.

andym1

Three Seasons wrote: »

Can we define what working means?

No mention of ''Working'' Wrong Thread

seenitall

andym1 wrote: »

No mention of ''Working'' Wrong Thread

Eh, it's in your thread title?

andym1

Sauve wrote: »

It will work only in a situation where neither party (truthfully) have ANY romantic feelings towards the other.
Being open and upfront, and knowing exactly where both people stand is very important.

Drawing up a ''Sheldon'' room mate/ bonking agreement normally goes to dust when the ''Will you hold me'' crap kicks in

Praetorian Saighdiuir

Once you both know what you are getting in to it should be fine. As long as you both take it for what it is there should be no complications. Easier said than done for some people.

MrStuffins

The lad next door is in his gaff every afternoon drinking cans of Dutch Gold and listening to "choooons".

Him, and all of his friends, are on Benefits.

So yes, it can exist!

Catphish

Three Seasons wrote: »

Can we define what working means?

Understanding the dynamics of the arrangement, either party not developing stronger feelings for the other or looking for a permanent commitment; thus fúcking up said arrangement.

andym1

seenitall wrote: »

Eh, it's in your thread title?

Eh No, The word is ''Work'' you added the ''ing'' to it ! Plural-ising words is down to you and stop being petty too ! Stick to the Q and stop nickpicking !
Whats Your opinion then ?

Rasheed

I think it can. I had one long term one that I'd meet every week or so for a couple of years. I can honestly say I didn't actually like the lad , and he'd probably say the same about me, but I seriously fancied him and we clicked in the bedroom department.

It suited us perfect. Neither wanted a relationship but we still had the physical side. I'd really recommend it anyway. Great stress reliever!

cson

I know its only one letter off, and I know what you mean by it, but christ that thread title hurts my eyes.

seenitall

Catphish wrote: »

Understanding the dynamics of the arrangement, either party not developing stronger feelings for the other or looking for a permanent commitment; thus fúcking up said arrangement.

Yes, however from experience I'd say that this dynamic of complete or near-complete emotional equilibrium from each side has to be there from the very beginning; I don't think it's something that can be conjured up or whittled down to as you go.

You either fancy the pants off someone or you don't; equally, you either fancy them just enough to sustain the physical aspect of things without being full on about it, or you don't. I think it is therefore rare to see a truly equitable, happy FWB arrangement. But perhaps it is also rare to see a truly happy marriage?

andym1

Catphish wrote: »

Understanding the dynamics of the arrangement, either party not developing stronger feelings for the other or looking for a permanent commitment; thus fúcking up said arrangement.

How A Cockney would say above phrase !

Understandin' the bloomin' dynamics of the 'rrangement, either Moriarty not developin' stronger feelings for the ovver or lookin' for a permanent commitment; thus fúckin' up said 'rrangement.

seenitall

andym1 wrote: »

Eh No, The word is ''Work'' you added the ''ing'' to it ! Plural-ising words is down to you and stop being petty too ! Stick to the Q and stop nickpicking !
Whats Your opinion then ?

LOL

andym1

seenitall wrote: »

LOL

Touche !

Holsten

In my experience the women always get too attached and usually want something more.

sam34

I'm female and have had a couple of friends with benefits. it works as long as both people are totally honest and neither party is harbouring secret hopes that the other will fall for them.

when it works, it works very well IME.

Hardonraging

It only works well if you can keep ure self in check, dont let your emotions run away with you, and if both parties are honest with each other ..

It can and often is the most fun you will have with no clothes on ..

anncoates

Thought this was another dole bashing thread.

Hardonraging

anncoates wrote: »

Thought this was another dole bashing thread.

It's ok, you'll get laid eventually ...

Felexicon

Yes "Friends with Benefits" can work.
My mate give me a lift to work every day and we've never been closer

Lollipops23

This an interesting thread- I was only discussing this subject with someone recently. When I was younger/less experienced I would have said no, not in a million years could this work, but now I'm not so sure. I've never had the set up, but I'd imagine the best way to handle it is to be honest with yourself and them- and to keep checking in with yourself, as it were- are you still comfy with the arrangement, how do you feel about them, are you jealous etc?

Think it'd need to be fairly specific circumstances for it to work, but it can IMO.

Legs.Eleven

Holsten wrote: »

In my experience the women always get too attached and usually want something more.

Or the man...


I've had two. Both disastrous because as people warned here, in both cases one of us was hoping for something more and they both literally ended in tears.

I can imagine it could work though but the friendship HAS to be kept out of it. Easier said than done and respect to anyone who manages it.

anncoates

Hardonraging wrote: »

It's ok, you'll get laid eventually ...

Your ma gave it the OK then?

NothingMan

For me, the great thing about sex is the closeness. If you take that away and just have the physical act of sex then honestly, it wouldn't hold much appeal to me. I've been with people I've been very attracted to on a physical level and can assume it was reciprocated, but had no emotional attachment to the person and the sex wasn't great and I'd say they'd agree. So I know it could work, but I'd want to at least be comfortable enough with them to have the fun and cuddly side too, even if it wasn't going to develop further.
Besides, Emotional closeness = great sex. Also, I just love to cuddle .

Mr Benevolent

Yep, worked fine for me, it became a great relationship and 7 years later we're still together.

Boscoirl

Mila Kunis, hot

Legs.Eleven

Mr Benevolent wrote: »

Yep, worked fine for me, it became a great relationship and 7 years later we're still together.

Is that not more an example of (excuse my ye olde terminology here) courting?

Sadderday

Go and meet someone new every couple of weeks that fancies you and wants to spend the night with you. Give yourself a boost... don't hang around with someone that thinks your handy.... really, wheres the buzz in that?

Hardonraging

anncoates wrote: »

Your ma gave it the OK then?

She did, fwd me your address and i'll have her drop round !

NothingMan wrote: »

I just love to cuddle .

Everyone loves a cuddle, if ure not geting a cuddle after sex then you need to re-evaluate said sex with said person .

Mr Benevolent wrote: »

Yep, worked fine for me, it became a great relationship and 7 years later we're still together.

I think you might have the idea a bit backwards, but congrats on the 7 year bit all the same

RATM

Sauve wrote: »

It will work only in a situation where neither party (truthfully) have ANY romantic feelings towards the other.
Being open and upfront, and knowing exactly where both people stand is very important.

This. Having been in a FwB situation a few times the above is defintely true.

It is probably never a good idea to be in that scenario with an ex but I've done it a couple of times, i.e. the relationship fizzled out but we both still wanted the physical side of things. But on more than one occasion it turned into one person falling for the other again so it had to stop before someone got hurt. Pity as the sex was good but that's life.

That said I have an ex in London and she pops across here at least once a year and we usually end up in the sack. It works well as there is a general acceptance that she is over there and I'm here so when she goes back nothing will come from it.

BillyMitchel

Had one for years and it was great craic, sly meet up after the pub and stuff.

All went down hill after she got pregnant!!

WittyKitty1

I've no experience with it myself- a friend of mine does though and she was keeping her feelings for him secret which in turn got her hurt.

I think what Sauve said is definitely true:

Sauve wrote: »

It will work only in a situation where neither party (truthfully) have ANY romantic feelings towards the other.
.

Although, I couldn't imagine sleeping with any of my male friends or any man in general if I didn't have some sort of romantic feelings towards him - the idea of that is just creepy to me.. But hey, if it works for some people then fair play to them!

lennyloulou

Dare I say it!!!! Geordie Shore- That crappy MTV reality programme that my friends watch- a complete waste of time that I sometimes have to endure-group of twenty something year olds- boys & girls living together however one of them repeatedly shagging one of the lads after drink/night club - friends with benefits- anyhow she has now fell in love with this guy who would shag anything with a pulse. she is upset as she has developed these feelings
Moral of the story- I think it is mostly women that develop the feelings/want a relationship, men not as attached usually.

lennyloulou

lennyloulou wrote: »

Dare I say it!!!! Geordie Shore- That crappy MTV reality programme that my friends watch- a complete waste of time that I sometimes have to endure-group of twenty something year olds- boys & girls living together however one of them repeatedly shagging one of the lads after drink/night club - friends with benefits- anyhow she has now fell in love with this guy who would shag anything with a pulse. she is upset as she has developed these feelings
Moral of the story- I think it is mostly women that develop the feelings/want a relationship, men not as attached usually.

Because of one tv show?

Daveysil15

It can work if she's a butterface.

YellowFeather

I think it's very rare that it can work! I've been in that situation a few times, and sooner or later, somebody would always fall and want more. Plus, I've been there with guys that I really liked as a friend, but it ended up that every time we met we'd end up having sex - instead of just meeting for chats.

I had one very successful one, but that's because we lived in different countries. We could chat away most of the time, and then rip the clothes off each other when we met up. Best of both worlds!

My worry about friends with benefits is that it can sour a friendship when one person has stronger feelings than the other.

In saying that - they're great fun!!!

herisson

It can work if there are genuinely no romantic feelings involved.

I've had 2 friends with benefits before. The first one was grand, lasted for a bit, haven't met up with him since October, only reason being is because we shared a taxi home. I stopped meeting up with him because he was an asshole. I've never had some make me feel like crap. He wasgiven the boot.

The second I developed feelings for. I told him and I said we should stop because we both knew I would get hurt in the end. And it wasn't worth it, no matter how good he was.

Im not against them, I'd gladly have a friend with benefits again but if one of us were to develop feelings, I would stop it entirely. It wouldn't be fair on the both of us.

WittyKitty1

Pixie-Fairy wrote: »

It can work if there are genuinely no romantic feelings involved.

Fair enough. But how on earth do you get into a situation like that with someone or even bring it up if theres no romantic feelings involved..You said you shared a taxi home and it happened, how do you even bring it up?
I'm pretty close to a few male friends of mine but I'd never talk about my sex life with them..

not judging anyone or anything, i'm genuinely interested in knowing how it could happen between two people who have absolutely no feelings for each other, unless there was some kind of flirting or something going on..

MistyCheese

Yes, I do believe so. I enjoyed a 'friends with benefits' situation with a man for a while. Our daughter is now six weeks old.

She's a bit of a bonus benefit.

herisson

WittyKitty1 wrote: »

Fair enough. But how on earth do you get into a situation like that with someone or even bring it up if theres no romantic feelings involved..You said you shared a taxi home and it happened, how do you even bring it up?
I'm pretty close to a few male friends of mine but I'd never talk about my sex life with them..

not judging anyone or anything, i'm genuinely interested in knowing how it could happen between two people who have absolutely no feelings for each other, unless there was some kind of flirting or something going on..

I get what you are saying. Everyone is different.

We were both severely drunk. He was dropped off first, suggest a night cap and then the inevitable just happened. We both enjoyed it and we said feck it we'd do it again. We didn't see the harm in it. We weren't awkward around each other after it, in turn he did show his true colours and was a Dickhead.

At the end of the day it was just sex, nothing more, nothing less.

Mr Benevolent

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

Is that not more an example of (excuse my ye olde terminology here) courting?

Nope, we agreed that we were fuckbuddies, and after a couple of months of no contact we started seeing each other more and more, and after maybe 2-3 years we were in love. Still are, it's usually commented that we look like we're together only a few weeks.

smileyj1987

It can work but don't develope feelings because they are for morons .

Auldloon

smileyj1987 wrote: »

It can work but don't develope feelings because they are for morons .

Oh dear....




Has worked great for me several times. Best scenario for me is a bird I know I would never fall for and to always keep it clear that its just a sex thing, last minute change of plan or cancel a few times etc. There's been one or 2 that wanted to take things further but they prob wanted that from the beginning anyway.

smurgen

i think so, i had an american one for the last 3 years or so,she'd come to where i lived every now and then and i'd call to her whenever i was in the states.very friendly with each other and i'd consider her a good friend. she has a boyfriend now and i'm not one bit jealous,so i'd say that was a successful friends with benefits situation.

Sarky

They're grand, as long as you can be grown up about them. Too many people can't do hat, and shouldn't go near them.