Feel Left Out of Work Crowd

LegacyUser

I started working in a new company 6 months ago. All was going well. I don't socialise with them as I feel I've spent Mon - Fri with them. I am glad to get home to my own space come Friday.

However, I feel this is starting to effect how I get on with everyone socially during work hours. My seat has changed in the last week. I'm no longer sitting with people that I would have spent the day chatting with.

I now find that there are social email threads being circulated that I'm not being included in. People don't stop and chat to me in the kitchen. I'm not a 'go to' person for a bit of banter during the day. For the past 2 weeks I've really made an effort to go speak to people, stop and chat in the kitchen, have a bit of a chin-wag when I meet them around the office. It hasn't helped. I've even said I'd go out later tonight with some of them... but overheard a conversation about the plans earlier this morning that I wasn't made privy to.

I feel really isolated. Not part of the group. An outsider. It's starting to effect me - particularly the funny / plans for coffee at lunch emails going around that I'm not being included on. I find that really hurtful.

I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to isolate myself in a 'I don't need to you anyway' type of way. I would like to feel a little more included. I will endeavour to meet up with them later but it's really hard entering into an already established social group that doesn't seem to need / want me.

Any advice would be really helpful. They seem like a tight-knit bunch of people. While I don't want to live in their pockets it would be nice to make a few friends out of this experience.

Mrs OBumble

LonelyInWork wrote: »

I started working in a new company 6 months ago. All was going well. I don't socialise with them as I feel I've spent Mon - Fri with them. I am glad to get home to my own space come Friday.

....


Any advice would be really helpful. They seem like a tight-knit bunch of people. While I don't want to live in their pockets it would be nice to make a few friends out of this experience.

Ahh, it doesn't cut both ways.

Advice: the next time you start a new job, then if you want to make friends, you need to make a effort in the first few months, or else people will assume that you don't want to be friends! You can't have it both ways.

For now, simply look for ways that you can connect with individuals. Offer to do extra jobs that involve you in talking to people. See if anyone has the same hobbies as you do out of work, and try to connect there. And ... don't ever base your social life around work.

LegacyUser

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

Ahh, it doesn't cut both ways.

Advice: the next time you start a new job, then if you want to make friends, you need to make a effort in the first few months, or else people will assume that you don't want to be friends! You can't have it both ways.

For now, simply look for ways that you can connect with individuals. Offer to do extra jobs that involve you in talking to people. See if anyone has the same hobbies as you do out of work, and try to connect there. And ... don't ever base your social life around work.

I did try to make friends in the first few months. However, I don't earn alot of money and can definitely not afford to join them every Friday for after-work drinks. I try make it to the significant get-togethers.. Hallowe'en, Christmas, Paddy's Day etc.

I can't go for coffee / lunch every day of the week because of finances too so I try to go the odd time.. but then find that I'm left off the email threads for invites recently and not asked at all (I had alot of outgoings the past 2 months which have left me screwed financially). If they're going for lunch I sometimes invite myself along (awkward) and have a tea / coffee with them.

I am connecting.. well, trying anyway. I make myself available, I set up a new hobby group on our intranet for people to join / share ideas. I don't want to base my social life around work as I am happy with what I've got outside of work... however, work is a huge part of our lives and if you're feeling excluded it can be hurtful.

I guess it's like the school-yard - everyone wants to be in a 'group' and have friends there.

boobar

LonelyInWork wrote: »

I started working in a new company 6 months ago. All was going well. I don't socialise with them as I feel I've spent Mon - Fri with them. I am glad to get home to my own space come Friday.

However, I feel this is starting to effect how I get on with everyone socially during work hours. My seat has changed in the last week. I'm no longer sitting with people that I would have spent the day chatting with.

I now find that there are social email threads being circulated that I'm not being included in. People don't stop and chat to me in the kitchen. I'm not a 'go to' person for a bit of banter during the day. For the past 2 weeks I've really made an effort to go speak to people, stop and chat in the kitchen, have a bit of a chin-wag when I meet them around the office. It hasn't helped. I've even said I'd go out later tonight with some of them... but overheard a conversation about the plans earlier this morning that I wasn't made privy to.

I feel really isolated. Not part of the group. An outsider. It's starting to effect me - particularly the funny / plans for coffee at lunch emails going around that I'm not being included on. I find that really hurtful.

I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to isolate myself in a 'I don't need to you anyway' type of way. I would like to feel a little more included. I will endeavour to meet up with them later but it's really hard entering into an already established social group that doesn't seem to need / want me.

Any advice would be really helpful. They seem like a tight-knit bunch of people. While I don't want to live in their pockets it would be nice to make a few friends out of this experience.

Sorry to hear that you feel isolated. You're right in one thing in that if they're a tight knit group it will be hard to get close to them on an individual level.

I've found that for some places I've worked it has been easy to make friends and in other places it's not.

People are friendly in my current workplace but they are very negative so I avoid them and spend my lunch break either catching up on some chores...pay bills, grocery shop or enjoy a good book or some music, even take a walk.

I then have time for family and real friends outside work. Not much advice I know but it kind of works well for me. I'm happy to be an outsider.

BostonB

If you've kept your distance for 6th months you can't expect to change peoples perception of you in 2 weeks. It takes time to let people get to know you.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your advice and post @Boobar

I like spending time with my family and real friends outside of work too. I think that's why I felt non-committal to my colleagues originally when I started the job. However, it would be great to have a balance of someone great to spend a lunchtime with, to catch up over a coffee / have a Friday evening drink with, now and again.

I did overhear one of the more popular girls say that she was keen to go for Friday drinks but for work get-togethers at weekends it was just not her cup of tea. It seems to work for her.

I guess I feel it's REALLY obvious that I'm not being invited along for coffee or a stroll at lunchtime. When you notice that you're not being included it's really hurtful I find. I think I need to toughen up and not take it personally. I too read alot at lunch and always have a book with me.

LegacyUser

Hi BostonB, I didn't keep my distance for 6 months. I just didn't go out with them EVERY Friday. I did attend other events, went for coffee when I was invited and am / was always courteous, chatty etc.

The people in work do know me... in that I'm friendly, polite etc. I meant, in my original post, that I've noticed I've not been kept in the loop regarding social plans (on any level) and have begun to make a concerted effort in the last 2 weeks to make more of an effort to chat to the people I used to be surrounded by (who are dotted around differing ends of the office now since I moved).

Wanderer2010

OP, Im sorry to hear your problem. Its a pity companies dont give you the unwritten or hidden requirements when you sign your contract. If you knew beforehand that you would get on better if you chummed up with Clique A or would get a promotion if you avoid Person B life would be easier. I was naive in my first job and thought I would be judged on my abilities alone but it doesnt work that way. If you are "in" with the strongest clique in that you always agree with them, spend time with them and laugh at their jokes (even if they arent funny) then you find yourself promoted, invited to parties and lunches etc and the bosses approve of you.

If you are naturally an introvert and a great worker you may find you get nowhere because the alphas in the workplace dont like you, sad but true. Not all workplaces are at these extremes some have a happy medium but yours sound very social based so my advice would be to start a few chats about hobbies of yours, some may not respond but if you manage to find common ground with one or two the social invites will come naturally. If this doesnt happen i would chalk it down to experience and look around on the side for another job, its really not down to a flaw in you, some workplaces are just too political for everyone, I hope it works out for you OP, there are lots in the same boat.

tylercheribini

i cant believe the amount of "its your fault" comments on this thread. I wouldnt worry about it op, they sound like a bunch of pri*cks anyway. if people are sound they will make time for you regardless of this bs office social protocol that i have read above. Personally I have worked in many places down through the years and the only staff party i ever attended was when I knew none of my colleagues were going. It was one for all the xtra visions in the burlington and i had a gr8 night knowing i could relax without the gossip hags of work being there. The way i look at it im not paid enough to work with some people never mind socialize with them. i have a always had a few groups of friends anyway i can mix and match between and all people i would call friends for life. You will find people that work with each other will also talk about work when out with each other..deadly buzz....and of course the "climbers" willing to fuk over every1 and any1 to get ahead in work haha

pauliebdub

I wouldn't worry about this at all either. Most people wouldn't have the time, the money or the desire for afterwork socializing so it's perfectly acceptable not to go to these things.

It's important to do your best at work and make an effort to be nice to people but there is only so much you can do and you dont have to be everybodies best friend. The people who really matter to me are my close friends and family. Are these co-workers very young just out of college types?

BostonB

LonelyInWork is asking how to get in with the social circle they feel excluded from. Not sure people advising LIW to distance themselves even more helps with that. I'm not sure anyone saying its anyone "fault". Simply explaining how social groups work. Not sure why you'd need to assign fault. Its simply how people interact.

Regardless if people agree with it or not. if your not in regular "social" contact with people, (beyond just being pleasant in the office) you'll fall out of the loop. I mean they are not going to contact 400 people in the office for all events and chat when only 20 of them socialise together. It just not practical, its just not human nature either. People associate with like minded people.

If the main social contact you have with people is because they happen to sit in the same location. If not surprising you lose that contact when they no longer sit together.

LegacyUser

pauliebdub wrote: »

I wouldn't worry about this at all either. Most people wouldn't have the time, the money or the desire for afterwork socializing so it's perfectly acceptable not to go to these things.

It's important to do your best at work and make an effort to be nice to people but there is only so much you can do and you dont have to be everybodies best friend. The people who really matter to me are my close friends and family. Are these co-workers very young just out of college types?

I tend to agree with what you're saying. The after work thing doesn't bother me so much as the heading out for coffee during the day and not being invited thing. It's hurtful to not be included when really I'm quite a nice person ... so I'm stunned as to why I'm not included on the group emails for lunchtime activities.

For alot of people this wouldn't bother them. But I am the kind of person that this kind of behaviour 'gets to'. However, since reading the replies to my post - which is a genuine post let's not forget, in that I do feel left out, lonely alot of the time, disregarded just because I don't go for Friday night drinks after work - I've decided that I need to not let this get in on me. I have set up a few groups on our intranet to chat to like-minded people so maybe I just need to focus on this instead of trying to fit in with the 'in' crowd. Clearly they're not interested in me and I should move on...

I will say that they're quite an established bunch having worked together for years. There's a mix of 20-somethings (singletons) and 30-somethings, married people, people with kids etc.

murphym7

Firstly its not your fault, but there are things you can do. I know how you feel. There needs to be a little compromise on your part. You dont need to go to all the nights out, but do go to a few. There are things you can do to bring the cost down, go home earlier, drink less, turn up after the meal. But do go to some more, in a few months when you have built up these relationships you can pull back and go to very few nights out. Thats what I have done, a few good drunken nights, few laughs a couple of stories for Monday morning and you are all set.

Its crap, but thats the way it works.

BostonB

LonelyInWork wrote: »

...I guess I feel it's REALLY obvious that I'm not being invited along for coffee or a stroll at lunchtime. When you notice that you're not being included it's really hurtful I find. I think I need to toughen up and not take it personally. I too read alot at lunch and always have a book with me.

Its probably not personal. Perhaps they just think you prefer to read a book or do your own thing. Rather than being invited. Have you invited them, or asked to go along. People fall into habits without thinking how they effect others.

LonelyInWork wrote: »

... in my original post, that I've noticed I've not been kept in the loop regarding social plans (on any level) and have begun to make a concerted effort in the last 2 weeks to make more of an effort to chat to the people...

Well I think you're doing the right think Not take it personally, and make more of an effort. I don't think you have to go to every thing, or every Friday. But go to one now and then. I'm not a regular socialiser with my work colleagues, but I will go to things from time to time. But I have to accept I'm not always in loop with the crowd who go out all the time.

We do have an office lunch or dinner, once or twice a year. Helps to get everyone talking. We pick a place with a set menu and price, and people pay for their own drinks.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for all your replies everyone. Compared to how I was feeling when I originally posted I feel much better. I realise that you can't be best buddies with everyone in work and I should be old enough to not let it get to me.

Funnily enough a couple of colleagues came to me yesterday to ask me out for lunch! It was really nice to be included. I also need to realise that whilst I'm quite a bubbly / outgoing person that maybe socialising in the pub every Friday is not the right outlet for me. Granted, yes, I should (and will) go for a drink now and again this is not the bee-all and end-all of my working life.

Thanks again guys. I really, really appreciate all your feedback.