Alcohol Addiction

bingocat

OK.. I don't really know where to begin so here goes.. I am 18 years old and I live with my mom and my dad. My dad is a chronic alcoholic who's life has been completely ruined by alcohol. I have seen him at his lowest point and I continue to see him reach new lows. He is verbally abusive to myself and my mom and in my opinion has been close to physically abusive on some occasions.

At present I am studying for exams which is made more difficult by the fact my dad acts the way he does. I come from a family that is not very well off as my dad is unemployed due to his social anxiety and the fact alcohol has completely ruined his life. I do not want to go into too much detail as this is me looking for advice and that is all.

I feel torn between two decisions. Should I try and help him before it is too late or should I just accept that he is gone beyond help. I am by no means depressed by what my life has been like so far and I have accepted that my dad is an alcoholic and realize that it is not important where I come from but what is important is what I do from here. I plan to go to college and hopefully better my life but I am cautious about it as I have adopted very negative views towards alcohol because of my father and I feel that if I do not drink it will give people the impression I feel I am too good for them which is 100% not the case.

My dad has grown increasingly paranoid and has put locks on doors and is constantly muting the TV when cars drive by. He never answers the phone if it rings and instead insists I do and say no one is home. He has put up a cheap camera watching the back door of our house and he has often hidden from people.

I have recently overheard one of his phone conversations with someone from another part of the country and have found out that he is planning on leaving us and moving there as he feels he "cant live here anymore". When I heard this it greatly offended and saddened me. It offended me because he is the one that is causing misery to us not the other way around and it saddened me because even though he has caused me so much anxiety and worry over the years he is still my dad.

It also can be hard to live what feels like a double life. One for the public and one for at home. In public I pretend everything is fine as I.. well i don't really know why I just do.. I am also regularly thinking about who may know what my dad is like and who does not. Again I want to stress that I am not depressed by what my life has been so far as I am mature enough to realize that my dads actions do not impact on what I can do in the future and my main priority right now is to get what I need in my exams and go to college.

All advice on what I should do about this situation is greatly appreciated.

Thank You.

Brego888

It's a horrible situation to have a family member with alcoholism.
I could preach all day on it but I won't so just a few immediate observations.

1. You can't help him. Only he can help himself.
2. He must want help or want to change for himself alone or it won't happen.
3. If you don't want to drink while at university don't. Simple as that. Just don't. You don't need
to explain why to anyone.
4. You are doing the right thing by concentrating on your studies.
5. You are too young to have to take on all this. Know that you are doing your best and that you are very much not alone in Ireland with this problem.

Chin up and good luck

bingocat

Yeah there is no way I can see of helping him if he wont take the first step. Hopefully he will but I highly doubt it

Thanks for the reply

therunaround

Concentrate on your leaving until June and u can think about it for the summer then.. Fair play to you uv a good attitude..

kneeler

There are alcoholics in my family going back at least four generations. Two uncles, their father, grandfather and great grandfather were all heavy drinkers. As a result a number of the current generation of family members don't drink and never have. All have gone through college and jobs without any difficulty.
It is a damaging experience to be around problem drinkers and you should go to AL Anon for advice.

username123

My father was a horribly destructive paranoid bullying alcoholic.

You cant help him. Dont feel obliged to. You didnt cause it, you cant control it and you cant cure it. I want you to think about yourself standing on a beach with a massively angry sea swishing about with waves boiling in front of you and imagine yourself trying to calm the sea down - thats how much control you have over someone elses drinking.

I cannot implore you enough to go to Alanon. It really helped me, it might even have actually stopped me from dying. I was so sick, physically and mentally, when I went and it brought me back. When I got somewhat better it helped me in other ways, allowed me to see the damage that had been caused to me from growing up in the environment that I did and allowed me to see that I could break the cycle and be my own person - and not a dysfunctional one either. I was a lot older than you when I found it too.

I also learned how not to enable the alcoholic (which I didnt even know Id been doing) and how not to keep having the awful endless arguments over booze - arguments that just made a bad situation worse.

And you dont have to drink, ever, if you dont want to. And you dont have to explain why to anyone either.

I am glad you are able to focus on your future, there is hope and this will all be behind you some day without you feeling bad about it. Best of luck.

bingocat

Thanks to everyone for the replies

lewlew

Bingocat, You are one mature girl, you seem to have your head firmly on your shoulder. I am a mature student and there are plenty of students your age who don't drink at uni, so don't worry about that. I think your cope by pretending to the outside world that everything is ok. I come from a very messed up family when I was your age I used to do the same, as you get older you care less what people think and you know those who genuinely care about you will not judge you. Also have you thought it might be easier in the long run if he does leave ( I hope that does'nt sound heartless). I was heart broken when my own Dad left us at 16, but life did get easier when he did. Keep working hard and take care and time for yourself.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

don't know what to say to you,
but hugs going your way!
alcohol is just one of those things.. have seen it do so much damage to my extended family and i'm only 28.

bingocat

I'm a guy I am genuinely thankful for everyone's replies they mean a lot.

bingocat

Hi again,

I am just wondering if I talked to the school guidance teacher just for advice would they be obliged to tell a parent even if I am an adult?

Thanks again

Brego888

bingocat wrote: »

Hi again,

I am just wondering if I talked to the school guidance teacher just for advice would they be obliged to tell a parent even if I am an adult?

Thanks again

No. They should respect your confidentiality unless you are either a risk to yourself or someone else. Neither of which you are.
It's always good to talk. Go for it.

ABajaninCork

From reading your OP, it also sounds to me that your father might need to see a GP. Is there any way you can have a word with yours?

bingocat

I would like to talk to the guidance teacher but then again I don't think I can muster up the courage. I am definitely not going to harm myself or anyone as I know that none of this is my fault.

Well my mom has gone to the GP and told our story but I think the GP said that it is up to him and he needs to be the one coming in, or something along those lines.

I don't know if this makes a difference in how he would be treated or if he is suffering some other illness but at present he is talking to himself saying the same thing repeatedly. He is saying that people are talking to him, these people are no longer here.

I really hope he gets the help he needs as prior to becoming an alcoholic he was completely regular but now he is a completely helpless person.

Thanks for the replies.

Brego888

ABajaninCork wrote: »

From reading your OP, it also sounds to me that your father might need to see a GP. Is there any way you can have a word with yours?

A GP isn't going to do much for an alcoholic. And an alcoholic is unlikely to go see a GP.

ABajaninCork

Brego888 wrote: »

A GP isn't going to do much for an alcoholic. And an alcoholic is unlikely to go see a GP.

That wasn't what I was talking about. Read the OP again...

Brego888

ABajaninCork wrote: »

That wasn't what I was talking about. Read the OP again...

You referring to the possible paranoia/psychotic symptoms?
Still extremely unlikely to get him to see a GP.

JoePdw

I had an alcoholic step father a long time ago when i was younger. Now I live with my actual father. Alcoholic step father was stealing stuff from home and buying alcohol on it. Other times my mother gave him money on alcohol. I guess she just needed a husband to replace a father for me. But it hasn't been all that great. In the end he got really into alcohol. You can't take anything from an alcoholic husband. Alcoholic husband will drink, and the more you pressure them the more they will drink. In the end my mother divorced him. That was her second divorce.

JimmyCrackCorn

Unfortunately the statement of "They have to really want to change" is true.

They will do anything to keep drinking, lie, lie, lie, cheat, steal, bully, abuse, coerce, play nice........ Whatever it takes to keep drinking.
I highly recommend getting yourself to an Alanon(meeting for family's/children/spouses of alcoholics) meeting yourself to share the experience of other family's so you can see first hand that you are not alone.

It took a heavy toll on me and my family having an alcoholic parent until I fully understood what the unfortunate reality of the situation was, still not saying it was easy but allowed me to get on with my life.
Best of luck Op. I would wish the experience on anyone but I highly recommend getting yourself to a few meetings.

username123

bingocat wrote: »

I would like to talk to the guidance teacher but then again I don't think I can muster up the courage. I am definitely not going to harm myself or anyone as I know that none of this is my fault.

You know the hardest part of that is actually saying the words out loud that you need to talk because your father is an alcoholic. You could write it down and give it to the guidance teacher and let them read it and then the talking could happen? I dont know if youd find that easier, but for me, saying it aloud to someone made it "real" and it was very hard.

bingocat wrote: »

Well my mom has gone to the GP and told our story but I think the GP said that it is up to him and he needs to be the one coming in, or something along those lines.

Yeah, thats how it is. It seems unfortunate, but it actually makes sense, because if you could force an alcoholic into a treatment centre against their will they would just do the required time and then go straight to the off licence on the way out. They need to want help themselves. Its very difficult. It is like a mental illness or like dealing with an insane person.

bingocat wrote: »

I don't know if this makes a difference in how he would be treated or if he is suffering some other illness but at present he is talking to himself saying the same thing repeatedly. He is saying that people are talking to him, these people are no longer here.

Unless he self harms or becomes violent or goes into some kind of full psychotic episode most of the above will just be written off to the effects of alcohol. Its very hard to distinguish between true mental disturbance and being addled with drink - and by addled I mean, constant abuse, over and over - it does kill brain cells. My fathers entire personality was wiped out and he behaved in ways that only a truly crazy person would behave - its all part of it.

bingocat wrote: »

I really hope he gets the help he needs as prior to becoming an alcoholic he was completely regular but now he is a completely helpless person.

Yeah, I totally understand, my Dad was nice before the booze got him too. It used to help me to think of it more as an illness (there is massive debate as to whether or not it is really an illness or a person being selfish etc... I dont want to get into that, this is just something that helped me deal with how I felt towards my father), I used to think - I wouldnt be angry with him if he had cancer and the drugs made him behave nastily, so I shouldnt be angry over his behaviour as an alcoholic because its not "him", its the booze. That helped me not to hate him - although at times it was hard. I also used to get very angry that he wouldnt do anything to help himself, but over time I came to accept that he just couldnt. Life was too painful for him to experience sober. He wanted oblivion all the time. He didnt want to be the person he was, it is not a life you would wish on anyone, he was completely tortured by it and hated himself and wanted to basically drink himself to death.

No one "wants" to be that way. People dont make a conscious decision to become an alcoholic and its a horrible place to be.

But lots of them do make it out and go back to who they were - there is always hope.

bingocat

Thanks for all the replies much appreciated.