How do I help my best friend

keithsfleet

Guess i could be asking the unanswerable question here.
My mate, who I have been friends with since we're 11, is really sinking into himself.
We're both 27 and his mum passed away November 2011.
His mum really was the glue in the family, she was an amazing lady.
Anyway before I get teary eyed and ramble off on memories....
My mate had truly sunk into himself, it can go weeks and weeks before any of us or his family will see him, usually only see him if we drop into him while he's working.
I've tried taking to him one on one while sober and drunk (he's also hit the gargle hard) I've suggested counselling as it worked for me after a bad bad parent spilt up. I've even gone so far as paying for a few sessions which he never turned up for.
I asked him a few months ago If he has ever thought about suicide, he didn't outright say "no never".
Would love any help anyone can provide. He truly is a best friend that was there for me when I was 13 and my world ended when my dad upped sticks and left for South America.

LegacyUser

Hey Keith,
I guess all you can really do is just keep being there.

I have a friend who lost both his parents within a year, and sounds very like your friend (minus the drinking) He tried counseling for a bit and hated it, so he stopped going. He'll sit in his house for several days at a time and not venture out unless he's hungry or he's to go to work.
He'll make plans to go out and then cancel or just not show up last minute and say he fell asleep watching tv, or was playing on the xbox and didn't hear his phone, but we know he just sometimes doesn't wanna face the world. And that's ok. I wish he'd just be honest and say he doesn't feel like going out, but it's his life.

All I, and any of su can do for him, is to keep being there. Keep offering to go out together (or stay in and watch movies/play xbox etc) or offer to go places with him (even just walk around town) and let him vent if he starts, or keep the topic light if he does likewise. It's great that you're being such a good friend to him, and don't be afraid to let him know that you are worried about him, and to say it to him that if he needs you, you'll have his back as best you can, that you are there for him.
I know that might not sound like much to you, but it could mean the world to him.

Look after yourself too,xx

banie01

Its a natural reaction with grief to pull away and isolate oneself.
I know when I lost my wife I tried(Unsuccessfully) to shut myself away from the world.
But...
Thanks to persistence on the part of my friends(2 in particular)
I was never left get myself too isolated.

All I can say is let him know you are there for him, focus on being a friend and getting him out, try and get him socializing.
Let him know you are there for him if he needs to talk or support.
Don't let him isolate himself and withdraw if ya can help it.
Its hard to know the balance between letting him know you're there for him and that you care and without being overbearing and smothering.

draiochtanois

This post has been deleted.

keithsfleet

Thanks for the replies.
A lot of the other lads have kind of given up on him because he'll agree to meet up with us at such a time but when the time comes you'll hear nothing from him, not even a text and as I said he won't answer the phone to anyone.
I'm always wary of pushing him to hard and making him draw further into himself.
The only time I've really heard him talking about his mum and how much he missed her was at about 5am after the two of us drank pretty much everything in the house.

a fat guy

Just be around him.

Given enough time, (usually a good few years) he'll return to some semblance of normality.

Why don't you point out that you know he's still suffering? The worst that could happen is that he'll get angry, and that's at least an improvement over grief.

keithsfleet

Yea tried that, he claimed "ah I miss her but I'm not suffering"
The girlfriend pulled him aside in the pub just before Christmas and went a bit over the top, she told him he's letting his family and friends down etc etc and that he's hurting me by promising to meet up and then not bothering to get in contact to cancel.
It went on for 10 minutes and then he stormed off home.
I admittedly flipped at her after I heard what she'd said but a day llater he text me and said she had a point. He apologised for storming off and said he was going to try make more of an effort with me and everyone else.
Doesn't help that he is also in a very toxic relationship and living with a girl he has been with for the last 10 years.
Every 2 or 3 months he'll text me and say he's going to dump her but he never does and I'm not going to push that cause it will invariably be my fault if he does and he regrets it.

Would it be bad of me to try push the counselling offer again?