Liveline thread 09/04/2013 to 19/7/2013

europa11

neris wrote: »

the words Joke, funny, laugh & humourus do not go with liveline

They only do when you add "thread" to that line :D

JonathanAnon

"He brought an expert witness from the UK"..

Yeah, I'd say he paid for it alright..

Hitchens

There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool,
That's noted for fresh-air and fun,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son.

A grand little lad was their Albert
All dressed in his best; quite a swell
'E'd a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle
The finest that Woolworth's could sell.

They didn't think much to the ocean
The waves, they was fiddlin' and small
There was no wrecks... nobody drownded
'Fact, nothing to laugh at, at all.

So, seeking for further amusement
They paid and went into the zoo
Where they'd lions and tigers and cam-els
And old ale and sandwiches too.

There were one great big lion called Wallace
His nose were all covered with scars
He lay in a som-no-lent posture
With the side of his face to the bars.

Now Albert had heard about lions
How they were ferocious and wild
And to see Wallace lying so peaceful
Well... it didn't seem right to the child.

So straight 'way the brave little feller
Not showing a morsel of fear
Took 'is stick with the'orse's 'ead 'andle
And pushed it in Wallace's ear!

You could see that the lion didn't like it
For giving a kind of a roll
He pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im
And swallowed the little lad... whole!

Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence
And didn't know what to do next
Said, "Mother! Yon lions 'et Albert"
And Mother said "Eeh, I am vexed!"

So Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Quite rightly, when all's said and done
Complained to the Animal Keeper
That the lion had eaten their son.

The keeper was quite nice about it
He said, "What a nasty mishap
Are you sure that it's your lad he's eaten?"
Pa said, "Am I sure? There's his cap!"

So the manager had to be sent for
He came and he said, "What's to do?"
Pa said, "Yon lion's 'eaten our Albert
And 'im in his Sunday clothes, too."

Then Mother said, "Right's right, young feller
I think it's a shame and a sin
For a lion to go and eat Albert
And after we've paid to come in!"

The manager wanted no trouble
He took out his purse right away
And said, "How much to settle the matter?"
And Pa said "What do you usually pay?"

But Mother had turned a bit awkward
When she thought where her Albert had gone
She said, "No! someone's got to be summonsed"
So that were decided upon.

Round they went to the Police Station
In front of a Magistrate chap
They told 'im what happened to Albert
And proved it by showing his cap.

The Magistrate gave his o-pinion
That no-one was really to blame
He said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.

At that Mother got proper blazing
"And thank you, sir, kindly," said she
"What waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy lions? Not me!"

JonathanAnon

The biggest trouble in Mountjoy used to be controlling the prisoners when John Lonergan came down to give out the Choc Ices..

europa11

Prisoners claiming compo!!....now cross-border cockfights!!!.....

The "News at One" is slowly turning into a Liveline preamble.

JonathanAnon

A man who had time for nothing only cocks..

neris

joe loves these bad ship stories.

valleyoftheunos

europa11 wrote: »

Prisoners claiming compo!!....now cross-border cockfights!!!.....

The "News at One" is slowly turning into a Liveline preamble.

Please God let there be something on this.

SEPT 23 1989

Probably all the all inclusive gargle

europa11

JonathanAnon wrote: »

A man who had time for nothing only cocks..

That reminds me....is Mooney on holiday this week ?

neris

imagine a ship shaking. disgraceful joe that the captain wouldnt turn the waves off

Harry Angstrom

Did he want the ship to hit the rock instead??

Tisserand

Treatment for vomiting bug on cruise ship: tablets for travel sickness

syklops

They got anti-biotics and an injection. Thats more than I was expecting him to say.

neris

told you to stay in your cabin 24 hours so they wouldnt have to listen to your whinging and whiny voice. sounds like a man whos never happy

Roger_007

JonathanAnon wrote: »

A man who had time for nothing only cocks..

I know a few women like that:D

Floppybits

He must have been on a dinghy or something. I was on a crusie with Royal Carribbean and never had a problem we even had to sail around the edge of a hurricane.

Harry Angstrom

I can sympathise with him. I was on a ship once and the mustard wasn't up to standard either.

syklops

The wife is prompting him.

Joe doesnt sound too happy talking to the wife now.

JonathanAnon

Given the historical nature of the show, I can only presume this pair were on the Titanic?

JM Skipton

"the ups and downs of cruising" that's caused by the waves Joe

SEPT 23 1989

This carry on would not happen on Joe's ship

neris

wheres the lion story????????? this is boring

europa11

"There was everyone Vomiting.....some had diarrhoea....others puking Joe......then we had to leave The Shamrock Bar and go back to the ship Joe"

RobertKK

This is hilarious...

djemba djemba

And everything on the internet is true

shockwave

Joe can do nothing about it either missus.

neris

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

This carry on would not happen on Joe's ship

That would be the big luxury yoke that moors up along sir john rogersons quay from time to time

SEPT 23 1989

What are this couples demands?

RobertKK

They were all seasick.