Wedding Jitters? Or more serious?

Kitkat123

The long and the short of it is - My fiance and I are getting married in 3 weeks, and I have developed feelings for someone in the last 2 months. I love my fiance...but I have developed strong feelings for another. I know the immediate response I will get is - don't get married. But it is not that simple. I could post pages and pages of explanation and my thoughts...but I will try to make it more to the point.

My fiance is a great guy - one of those genuine guys that are hard to come by. But we have lost some of the passion for one another over the years. I know that he and I are a great match and could live happily... But is there something huge missing from our relationship - the spark? We had it at the beginning, but of course it faded out...is that just life???

Enter guy #2. I have known him for almost 1 years and we immediately had a connection We work together and he recently declared his love to me, wants us to be together and is prepared to face the music. I suppose we were having an "emotional affair" all along, but there is something strong between us and I acted on it a couple of weeks ago (by opening up to him and telling him that I also have feelings for him), and we have the spark. I'm struggling to figure out if this is cold feet, wedding jitters or is this something more?????????

Like I said, I am engaged to a great guy that I know I will be happy with. The wedding is fast approaching and I need to bite the bullet.

I know I will get a torrent of abuse now on this forum....however, any advice or pearls of wisdom from folks out there would be greatly appreciated. I feel like a lost, confused little girl (despite being 31 years old) and would like to get some perspective.

Taltos

You "COULD be happy with" says it all.
Forget about you for a minute - your fiance deserves to be with someone who IS happy to be with him and is in love with him.

There are always excuses and reasons to go through with it, but you have to put all of that out of your mind. Right now you need a break from both of these guys - some time alone to figure it all out.

You know the response - end the wedding now. But as to the rest only you can figure that out.
Better to end it now than a few months after getting married - imagine the devastation it would cause if(when) it later gets out...

P. Breathnach

I am not a romantic. In my view, it is possible to have a good marriage with a person who you love, even if "the spark" is missing or has faded somewhat. But you need to make a commitment to the marriage, and work hard on it.

But part of that requirement is that you do not seek the spark elsewhere. You need to erect barriers to any and all temptations. You have failed to do this - not just in thinking about a connection with this other man, but in acting on it.

I think your proposed marriage is doomed. Do your fiancé the favour of calling off the wedding.

Merkin

I think you have to forget about yourself and this other guy for a minute and really focus on what your husband-to-be deserves in all of this. Currently, he thinks that in three weeks time he is getting married to a woman who is in love with him and can't wait to build a future with him. That unfortunately is very clearly not the case and at the very least he a. deserves to know that and b. you need to have the common decency to cancel the wedding as opposed to building a marriage based on lies and deceit.

This really is a no-brainer isn't it? Far easier to get out of a wedding than a marriage so do the decent thing and call it off today. This IS NOT a case of wedding jitters. It's wrong and you know it so be honest with yourself and your soon to be ex fiance.

seenitall

Hi OP,

if you really loved your fiance, you'd cancel the wedding and break it off with him. I mean it. Doesn't the man who is so dear to your heart deserve to marry someone who will be overjoyed to walk down the aisle to meet him? He surely does.

So let's imagine you three weeks from now, walking down that aisle. Overjoyed you won't be, that's guaranteed. Perhaps you will feel kind of guilty but determined to see it through. Most likely of all, though, you will feel like you are getting trapped, trapped together with one man while you're in love with another; and it's a horrible feeling. It's a horrible state of mind to be on your wedding day. Why would you do that to either your fiance or yourself?

Do the right thing by everyone concerned, and when you're free, do whatever you like.

jdsk2006

Don't get married op. You will make everyone concerned miserable, especially yourself.

username123

Getting out of a marriage is far more difficult, expensive and painful than getting out of a wedding.

You cant even divorce until you have been separated for 4 years in Ireland. Not able to move on with your life for 4 years. Any children legally considered to be your husbands and the hassle of affidavits stating otherwise. Tax, next of kin entanglements.

Why on earth would you walk down the aisle, make a legally and morally binding commitment to someone in front of friends and family (who have spend time and money coming to help you celebrate your special day) only to be faking it? Madness.

You will cause some heartache if you cancel now, but you will cause a whole heap more if you go ahead with it.

Neyite

OP, I know a couple where the man called off the wedding with weeks to spare. Everything bought/booked/paid for. True, it hit his bride-to-be for six, but they are still together, and working on their relationship. They have just gone on what would have been their honeymoon.

You need space to figure out what you want. You also would be deeply unkind to shackle a man to you legally until at least 2017 whom you dont love.

Sit down with him, postphone the wedding. Decide to either stay together and work on the relationship, or part ways.

squonk

Sounds like a pair of you in it. You already said you and your fiance had a spar for a while but it fizzled out. Instead of working on things you're looking around for something else. You've only known the current guy who you claim to have a spark with for about a year. In time I'd say it's highly likely that spark will die as well as I sense you might not want to work at that area, and that may be why the current situation arose with your fiance. As for your guy on the side, hooking up with someone who is engaged is such a classy move. The fact you let this happen without considering your fiance or calling time on your current relatinoship up til now speaks volumes. I think you should definitely call this wedding off. Call off both relationships as well while you're at it and give yourself time to get your head in order. You can only start to move on then.

midnight_train

Hi OP, I'm echoing all of the great advice you've already gotten on this thread.

I speak from experience - I called off my own wedding 10 weeks before it was to happen because I'd fallen out of love with my fiance (we broke up that same night).

It was an INCREDIBLY difficult decision to be the one to pull the plug. But I could not imagine going through the day and saying vows in front of everyone with so much uncertainty in my heart.

Three Seasons

Call it off OP. How can you let your fiance marry you while little does he know his wife was shagged by some other guy a couple months ago. It's a farce, call it off.

CaraMay

I broke up with a fiance too before and it was incredibly hard however it was a lot easier than getting married and then splitting.

What you are planning to do ie marry someone you don't love, is one of the most selfish things you can do. He should be with someone who idolises him and can't wait to see him at the top of the aisle. You are robbing him of a proper wedding day because if you marry you will break up and you will have taken away the whole preciousness of his wedding day.

Set him free to meet someone who loves him and run off with your male mistress... If you love your fiance at all you won't drag him in to a sham marriage.

What do you mean you 'acted on' the spark?

LegacyUser

Firstly, fair play for acknowledging what you feel and trying to face up to it.

Considering how hard it is to keep a successful marriage going I don't think you're the first or last to feel this way.

Secondly, I've been a long term relationship, as have several of my friends and all of us (we're all men) agree that after a certain point desire fades. It's at that point where you need to ask if you're willing to keep what you have or look for someone else. The problem is that it's hard to walk away from a "good" relationship in the hope of finding the "great" one, when such a thing as a "great" one may not actually exist.

You've complicated things by falling for someone else and such is life. You don't sound like you sought it but equally you probably didn't fight it much either.

I think you probably need to call a halt to the wedding though. No judgement and no blame but you're in no fit state to commit to someone for the next 50 or so years.

Can I ask how long you are with your partner? Is it possible you've just dragged the early phase of it out too long. So often these days people have ten year relationships before even thinking of getting married, i wonder if that's all that healthy?

I'd caution that the grass is always greener, it's easy for the unknown person to be more attractive than the known partner, you don't have to deal with them 24/7 and all that goes with that.

My feeling is that you (and most people) end up with "good" relationships they are unwilling to risk for fear they won't get a better one, when in reality, life is a journey where you should at least aim for great.

Kitkat123

Acted on it meaning expressing my feelings for the other guy

Three Seasons

Kitkat123 wrote: »

Acted on it meaning expressing my feelings for the other guy

I assumed you had sex earlier, apologies. I think you should realise that the "spark" will likely fade in every relationship you have eventually. So if you constantly need the "spark" you will never be in a relationship more than a few years and never be able to have a family with long term stability.

I'd call off the wedding for now.

But I wouldn't be so sure that this new crush (and that's what it is, tbh) is worth losing your relationship over. Relationships have their ups and downs and in the real world, it's normal to be attracted to other people. I barely know anyone who hasn't stepped on thin ice (as in the beginnings of an emotional affair as you call it) at one stage or another. It's how you react to it that matters - pull back and stop spending so much time with the other person. It's normal for the 'spark' to fade and if you left your fiance for this guy, it's likely that the same would happen. Perhaps I'm a total non-romantic but I think long term relationships are more about security and comfort than 'sparks'.

Emme

OP, your fiance deserves to be with somebody who wants to be with him and isn't looking elsewhere for more "spark" :rolleyes:

I personally don't think the "spark" is everything in a relationship, particularly if you want to go the distance. You have to be compatible in other ways as well. Most of all, both people concerned have to make a commitment to work at the relationship and support each other through the ups and downs in life. This includes times when the "spark" might have gone out of a relationship, but that doesn't say it can't come back.

You have already shown you are not committed to your fiancé. If you are not willing to cop on and commit to him set him free for somebody who will commit to him. Good guys are in big demand and in time he will easily find someone who genuinely cares for him and who deserves him.

You are 31 and it might not be so easy for you to find somebody else, particularly somebody who is a good as your fiance. You say you could live happily with him - what else do you want? In my opinion being able to live happily with somebody is more important than any spark.

I bet if you were single the other guy wouldn't be half as interested. He only wants what he can't have. You have to decide if it's worth losing your fiance for a guy who might not bother with you if you were single. If you break it off with your fiancé you could well be looking back in 5 years time, still single, wondering why you threw it all away while he's celebrating the birth of his first or second child with somebody else. In my opinion the other guy would disappear into the ether if you were single and available.

LegacyUser

Does the start of this 'relationship' feel any diferent to the start of your long term relationship? Attraction aside, whos company do you prefer? The world isnt so small that you just have to settle down with anyone you can live with and get on with. In 15 years the spark never left for me. OP, if its not there, dont just assume its like that for everyone, or that lifes just like that. I promise you when the pairing is right, youll just know.

LegacyUser

At this stage I would call off your wedding. I know that he will be upset but why should you marry a man you are not committed to. At this stage you know that you don't want him so as an adult you need to cancel the wedding.
He deserves to be in a position to move on with his life rather than ending up married to a woman who thinks I married you as you were ok.

I know couples who called off there weddings because they knew if was the right thing to do.
One of my friends was due to get married and he called it off a few weeks before the wedding. She was upset at the time but within a few years he had some major problems and moved away. She went on to meet a far better guy who wanted what she wanted. They had a few tough times since they got married but got though them as they have a strong relationship where they support each other.

Your fiance deserves to be with a woman who wants him, wants what he wants, will cope if life get tough for either of you or your children if you have them in the future.
He does not deserve to be with a woman who thinks I could have done better than you.
It is time for you to grow up, cancel the wedding and end the relationship.
I would then spend time on your own to work out what you want in the future as a bad marriage is horrible place in to be in.

fiona-f

Go talk to a professional very quickly. If you did a pre-marriage course, then contact Accord or the counsellor from your course. A lot of the replies of 'if you really love him, call it all off' is very simplistic and does not take account of the massive complexity of real world relationships. See a professional, do.

RedorDead

I have been in a similar position to you OP and massively regret my actions, I chose the greener grass and regret it ever since. The new exciting feelings you get with this new person will also peter out eventually and where will you be then. By all means call off the wedding if you are not 100% you want to be with this guy when you are 70 but dont shut down the relationship until you have thought very carefully about everything. Its really hard but you need to try and remove yourself from the bubble you are in to try and judge it properly. Call Accord immediately and go and speak to someone as soon as you can, on your own.

I hope you make the right decision. I wish I had Good luck

LegacyUser

OP, you don't need to call off your wedding. What you have is a crush, simple as that. What people forget is that a crush can hit you like a ton of bricks. The first time it happened to me, I was very happy, if a little comfortable, in my long term relationship. From day one, there was a mutual attraction that completely floored me. I couldn't get the guy out of my head and one night I discovered that he felt the same. I very, very nearly cheated, and I'm scared how close I came to throwing away my relationship.

At the time, my feelings were so strong that it totally threw me. I realised that I didn't want to lose what I had and deliberately pulled back completely. Saw the other guy socially from time to time but otherwise kept my distance. And wouldn't you know, the feelings and confusion faded and I could see it for what it was - a crush. Nothing more.

My OH knows nothing about this and I have no reason to tell him. As far as I'm concerned, this has actually done me a huge favour as if it happens again, I'll recognise it and deal with it. I know now exactly what I want and I'm so glad I didn't throw everything away and end up in a world of regret.

LegacyUser

Please don't let this spark or crush over influence your decision with your marriage, do you want to share the rest of your life with your fiancee? You might need a bit more time to figure out what going on in your head, time away from wedding stuff to clear the head.

Think long and hard about what you want in your future, at your age you need to make decisions that will affect you five/six years down the road. Is it just a crush (sounds like it is)? Its also very unfair on your current partner, imagine if the roles were reversed, how devastated you would be? If you do split up with your fiancee there is absolutely no guarantees this other guy will stick round.

If you also end your engagement the fall out will be pretty bad, friends and family will take sides and if you shack up with this new guy you will be the worlds worst - think everything through at length.

As a cautionary tale.... i broke up with my long term bf at aged 30, our 10 year relationship was at the point we either get married or break up..i chose the latter at the time thinking Id have no problems meeting someone.... fast forward nine years later I'm still single. believe me its not easy.

must go buy a few cats

Tigger99

I called off an engagement in very similar circumstances to yours. I realised that feeling like I did for someone else was a big warning sign. I didn't leave my fiance for the other guy, I left him for myself. That was 6 years ago and it was the right thing to do for me.

Maybe it's a crush that'll pass, maybe you need to be single. Whatever you do try and look at the situation as if the new guy isn't in the picture as you cannot base a decision to leave on the assumption that you'll get together with him or if it doesn't last you'll need to know you called off your engagement for the right reasons. I dont envy you, it was a very difficult period in my life.