What is the point?

LegacyUser

I'm no contemplating anything- before mods think thats why i'm on.
I just need to rant.

June last year a fella from home killed in car crash in Oz, i knew him but he was good friend of both my brothers.. it broke my heart seeing the pain and i did my best to be there for them..

Two days ago we just buried another one of his friends from the exact same gang. this fella was drowned in the liffey last weekend. tragic accident on night out.

I am generally a positive person. would like to think the 2 boys are up partying together as they were great friends.

But I feel completely deflated and wonder what is the point of it all?
I am affected more by this guys death as i know him more and longer .

I dont know how people move on from this? and ya could say this is life and its gets better.

but this is the 5th death i've had in 18 months (third young person) and i've had death in family since i was a teenager and it never gets easier .
it knocks me back.

this one has knocked the wind out of me..
how do families get over this? never mind friends!
i have a heavy heart that feels like it'll never leave.

Lorna123

These kind of tragic deaths touch us more OP. To think that they could have been avoided is heartbreaking. To think that someone drowned in the Liffey on a night out is just unbearable to think about. I don't blame you for being upset. I feel upset myself and I don't even know this guy. There is no easy way to get over something like this, it just takes time to be able to come to terms with it. There doesn't seem to be any end to tragedies like this. Every time you pick up the paper you see another one. I can't tell you how you can get over it because I don't know the answer. All I know is that in time you won't feel as bad about it. We have no control over what happens to other people. Take care.

December2012

The point, if there is one, is to live and love while you can, to learn and enjoy, to inspire, to be a friend, to be loved and be a good person while you're alive.

I don't know about the afterlife, not sure if I believe in it.

I don't know if death has a point, apart from being a means to an end, literally. I don't know if its fair, apart from being the one thing that applies to us all.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Bereavement is a very tough and confusing time.

It's always more tragic the younger the person is.

Mind yourself.

Ickle Magoo

Hey there OP,

I'm sorry for you losses.

Moved your thread here where you can get some excellent advice on moving through the grieving process and the emotions created by bereavement.

All the very best.

Lorna123

You could try counselling OP, it might help you come to terms quicker than trying to go through this yourself

banie01

+1 on the counselling...
It seems counter intuitive, but talking to someone outside your family or peer group who is trained to listen, to help and guide you towards understanding and accepting the emotional impact bereavement leaves you with is very very cathartic.

As to how do families get over this, some never do
My own wife's family have been in limbo since she passed away over 6yrs ago....
It is as if they feel holding onto the grief and pain of her loss means they are keeping her close to them.
I prefer(after a long time doing the same as them) to always try and remember the happiness, the shared love and memories of the good life we shared.(not that its easy,or that misery doesn't sometimes beat me)
The loss and loneliness I feel hasn't ever diminished, but I have learned how to cope with it a lot better.
Its a choice between raging at the world for what was taken and the future our loved one's are robbed of, of the memories they never got to make.
Or....
Remembering and cherishing the fact that the person was in your life at all, focusing on what ye had, rather than what ye lost!
And carrying those memories with you as you try and learn to live life without them....
One can't live a life in your past(I know, I've tried ), but that doesn't mean it should be forgotten...
Just treasured and carried in your heart as you learn to live without them.

As to the point.
I'm not religious, and don't believe in a ''hereafter''
I like to think immortality is those memories we leave behind...
The lives we touch,
and the people who love us....
So I try and be a person worth someones remembrance....

I'm sorry for your loss OP and hope you can find some solace.

Lorna123

banie01 wrote: »

+1 on the counselling...
It seems counter intuitive, but talking to someone outside your family or peer group who is trained to listen, to help and guide you towards understanding and accepting the emotional impact bereavement leaves you with is very very cathartic.

As to how do families get over this, some never do
My own wife's family have been in limbo since she passed away over 6yrs ago....

It is as if they feel holding onto the grief and pain of her loss means they are keeping her close to them.

I prefer(after a long time doing the same as them) to always try and remember the happiness, the shared love and memories of the good life we shared.(not that its easy,or that misery doesn't sometimes beat me)
The loss and loneliness I feel hasn't ever diminished, but I have learned how to cope with it a lot better.
Its a choice between raging at the world for what was taken and the future our loved one's are robbed of, of the memories they never got to make.
Or....
Remembering and cherishing the fact that the person was in your life at all, focusing on what ye had, rather than what ye lost!
And carrying those memories with you as you try and learn to live life without them...
.
One can't live a life in your past

(I know, I've tried ), but that doesn't mean it should be forgotten...
Just treasured and carried in your heart as you learn to live without them.

As to the point.
I'm not religious, and don't believe in a ''hereafter''
I like to think immortality is those memories we leave behind...
The lives we touch,
and the people who love us....
So I try and be a person worth someones remembrance....

I'm sorry for your loss OP and hope you can find some solace.

I think that the highlighted sentences posted above by banie01 are very effective and very well put. Thank you banie01.

alibride

my thoughts go out to the OP some days can be very hard when loss is all around you

sorry to hijack this thread but just wondering what type of counselling should one go to for this kinda stuff?

i lost my mother and 2 wks later i had a baby so everyone suggested i go for counselling incase i got post natal depression. so i did but it was crap, she was suggested by the hospice, she just told me write down my feelings and meditate!!

2 yrs later i think of my mother every single day - 100 times a day and it wrecks my head - when will this go away. I'm also dealing with my father who never got over the loss of his son (my brother aged 10). he went to counselling over 20 yrs ago when this happened and it didn't work - he is still so angry.

Is this just a part of life that we have to learn to get on with???

banie01

alibride wrote: »

my thoughts go out to the OP some days can be very hard when loss is all around you

sorry to hijack this thread but just wondering what type of counselling should one go to for this kinda stuff?

i lost my mother and 2 wks later i had a baby so everyone suggested i go for counselling incase i got post natal depression. so i did but it was crap, she was suggested by the hospice, she just told me write down my feelings and meditate!!

2 yrs later i think of my mother every single day - 100 times a day and it wrecks my head - when will this go away. I'm also dealing with my father who never got over the loss of his son (my brother aged 10). he went to counselling over 20 yrs ago when this happened and it didn't work - he is still so angry.

Is this just a part of life that we have to learn to get on with???

1st of my condolences on your loss.

As to what 'type' of counselling you should go for, its very subjective and the benefit of a particular counselling style can reap great comfort for one person yet leave someone else seeing the same counsellor wondering what the feck is the point of the whole exercise.
It really comes down to how the counsellor can build a connection with you and with how ye communicate, sometimes as you found out yourself a counsellor can just force their method on someone in the hope it will work.
I think a good counsellor is one who will listen, who will ask you the pertinent questions that will help you shine a light on the roots of the grief for yourself.
Its a process of leading someone to their own conclusions of how best to cope and manage their loss.
The best counsellors will lead a person to a point where they find their own resolution and coping strategy rather than guide a person towards hitting some type of predefined "sign posts".
Finding a counsellor you feel comfortable with is a good start but sadly thats easier said than done.

LegacyUser

OP, I am familiar with the two tragedies you are talking about, and I can assure you, you are not the only one feeling this way. It is so difficult to comprehend a death of a peer when you are so young. It's impossible to make sense of it. I witnessed an accidental death when I was 16 on my way back from school lunch break, eighteen years later it's still with me. I didn't know they guy, but it was just the suddenness of the death that shocked me, he died instantly.

You asked how families get over a death like this, in my opinion they don't, but they just learn to cope. So you need to find a coping mechanism, and the best one you will get is talking to others. Talk to the lads families; they will love to have their friends coming and telling them of all the craic you had together. And they will also tell you stories about your friends that you may have never known. Talk to your mutual friends, you can be sure they will be feeling the same as you.

As I said above, I know of both tragedies, and there is counselling available locally. Or you prefer to go a bit further afield. This is a link to some services which might be of help: http://unwindyourmind.wordpress.com/donegal-mental-health-directory/hse-mental-health-services/family-resource-centre/

The help is there, just reach out and ask for it.