My partner's past

Lorna123

It is a lot in comparison to the norm. There might be some people who sleep with 100 people but it is not the norm.

judgefudge

She has been in a relationship for 3 years and she's with the OP for 1 year. She's 29. So assuming she's been sexually active since she was 16 (at a guess). She has clocked up at least 98 partners in 9 years. Almost 11 partners a year.

That's considered a lot of partners, not by everyone, but by a lot of people.

You're not really advising the OP about anything he could do to resolve the issue at this point.

username123

Lorna123 wrote: »

It is a lot in comparison to the norm. There might be some people who sleep with 100 people but it is not the norm.

What norm are you referring to? Is it the norm for Irish people, Europeans, worldwide, people in a particular age group etc?

Alfred Kinsey (academic) found in his studies that it is very difficult to get an honest picture of human sexual activity. People will decrease or increase their 'numbers' to try and match the 'norm' so its highly unlikely any of us know what the 'norm' is. Great documentary about it, name escapes me now.

username123

judgefudge wrote: »

She has been in a relationship for 3 years and she's with the OP for 1 year. She's 29. So assuming she's been sexually active since she was 16 (at a guess). She has clocked up at least 98 partners in 9 years. Almost 11 partners a year.

That's considered a lot of partners, not by everyone, but by a lot of people.

You're not really advising the OP about anything he could do to resolve the issue at this point.

And you are? Repeating you think its a lot is not advice, its simply judgement.

1 partner every month is a very low rate of sexual activity imo.

Czarcasm

judgefudge wrote: »

I don't know what the relevance of there being seven billion people in the world is?

Doesn't change the fact that 100 people is a lot. Imagine them all in a room. It's just a lot. Like I said some people would be fine with that, others would not, and it would play on their mind. I imagine that's what's currently going through the OPs mind. Question is whether he can forget about it.

OK, to try and explain the seven billion reference- that's there or thereabouts the population of the world right now, so theoretically speaking for one person- that's seven billion potential sexual partners. Not all seven billion are going to fancy the one person or vice versa so we'll narrow that down to a million. There are more that are going to be below the age of consent so that for arguments sake would narrow it down to a thousand potential sexual partners over a person's lifetime. 100 people is still only one tenth of the amount of potential sexual partners one person can have. Now take a pie and cut it up into ten slices and take a slice. Now look at the pie. That's one miserable looking slice of pie you have in your hands now compared to what you COULD have had...

or perhaps I'm just a greedy bastard!


I wasn't going to, as the issue isn't about how many sexual partners I've had, but before I met my wife, I would've lost count of the amount of sexual partners I've had, we're talking into the mid hundreds anyway. I met my wife when I was 20. I'm 36 now and 16 years later the amount of previous sexual partners I or my wife has had bears absolutely no relevance on our relationship as it is today.

judgefudge

username123 wrote: »

And you are? Repeating you think its a lot is not advice, its simply judgement.

1 partner every month is a very low rate of sexual activity imo.

I've said multiple times that some people consider that a lot. Which obviously includes the OP or he wouldn't have posted here. Also I've said a number of times that if that's the case he needs to decide if he can deal with it. Sadly that got dragged into stupid bickering because of someone arguing over my point.

I'm out.

jimd2

username123 wrote: »

What guys? The ones who wanted tips on how to sleep with the bike?

Yes, do you not believe me?

Lorna123

username123 wrote: »

What norm are you referring to? Is it the norm for Irish people, Europeans, worldwide, people in a particular age group etc?

Alfred Kinsey (academic) found in his studies that it is very difficult to get an honest picture of human sexual activity. People will decrease or increase their 'numbers' to try and match the 'norm' so its highly unlikely any of us know what the 'norm' is. Great documentary about it, name escapes me now.

The norm for me is what most people would do, not the exceptional few. As Alfred Kinsey said people want to appear normal not abnormal. The OP obviously thinks that what is g/f has done is not the normal or he wouldn't be posting here. He would prefer the antics of his g/f to come into the normal category for him.:D

jimd2

username123 wrote: »

And you are? Repeating you think its a lot is not advice, its simply judgement.

1 partner every month is a very low rate of sexual activity imo.

1 brand new sexual partner a month every month for up on 10 years is NOT a very low rate of sexual activity in my opinion. That is 120 different sexual partners over 10 years. Fair enough 1 a month over certain periods but 120 is not something I would this is ok for me, my partner or my children. Call me a prude if you want but that is my opinion.

Not sure if you are female but I suspect that you wouldn't have been on my radar if we were socialising in the same circles.

username123

jimd2 wrote: »

Fair enough 1 a month over certain periods but 120 is not something I would this is ok for me

Why is it ok over certain periods and not others?

username123

Lorna123 wrote: »

The norm for me is what most people would do, not the exceptional few. As Alfred Kinsey said people want to appear normal not abnormal. The OP obviously thinks that what is g/f has done is not the normal or he wouldn't be posting here. He would prefer the antics of his g/f to come into the normal category for him.:D

Exactly. For him.

The only point I am making is, whats normal for him may be abnormal for others, whats normal for her may be abnormal for others etc...

What is the norm that you are referring to? Are you simply saying the norm to indicate it is a low number or are you basing it on an objective study, and if so, the age, gender, culture of the people are also relevant so the best study would be one on young people in Irish cities as the national figure will be skewed by all the people who were under the influence of the Catholic Church and didnt have sex before they got married and then couldnt divorce, the fact that contraception only became available to non married people in Ireland in recent decades, homosexuality being a criminal activity until the 90s etc...

Auldloon

For me numbers dont matter and its no way to judge what will happen in your relationship now or in the future. People change all the time, personally what I would do or find acceptable now is very different to what it was in my 30's, 20's and teens. Her past is her past and none of your business. Do yourself a favour and don't ask any more questions bout her past and just get on with enjoying the present.

Auldloon

I don't see the issue at all. So what if she's slept with 100 people? As someone worked out, this averages out at only a few times a year. If she was single through all this time, then absolutely nothing wrong with it. And just because she's had a lot of sex doesn't necessarily mean she could be unfaithful.

Her past is her past, plus as someone has mentioned already, I'd much rather someone who has slept with loads, thus has experience, and has remained faithful over someone that has slept with single figures, but has been unfaithful.

If anything, it seems to highlight your own insecurities. Is she a good girlfriend? Is she a good person? These are what matters, nothing else.

Auldloon wrote: »

For me numbers dont matter and its no way to judge what will happen in your relationship now or in the future. People change all the time, personally what I would do or find acceptable now is very different to what it was in my 30's, 20's and teens. Her past is her past and none of your business. Do yourself a favour and don't ask any more questions bout her past and just get on with enjoying the present.

I wouldn't necessarily say that. If you want to know about her past, then ask. But don't then go on and judge them afterwards. Don't ask questions you're not willing to hear the answer to - you're just opening yourself up for a fall.

a fat guy

Just so everyone is perfectly aware of it, it is seen as bad for a man to not have slept with anyone, by society.

Just as it is seen as bad for a woman to have slept with loads of people, by society.


I'm not an expert on gender roles and the like, but when it comes to having sex, women get the final say. You ladies have "the power". So when a women uses this power to have sex with many, many men, she "devalues" herself, making her less desirable.

Men on the other hand, can also say no. And end up being virgins until we're forty. Society see's this as bad, hence the pressure to have sex with as many women as possible (I'm generalising here, so bear with me).

Is this fair on anyone? Not in the slightest. Feminism (I SWEAR that I'm going somewhere with this post! This part is mostly for username123 by the way) attempts to tackle issues on the womens side of things, and we see slut-walks, rape culture references, and a hell of a lot of protests. However, despite the issues raised being valid(Women do get shamed for having lots of sex), it will not work unless the men get their end of the deal too(Not being thought of as a loser for being a virgin, admitting when stress is getting to be too much, and not having to "be a man" anymore).

You simply cannot drastically shift the balance of power in one direction. It just won't work while one side has its own gender issues. To tackle issues like these, we would need to solve both mens and womens issues in society simultaneously. So, in response to feminism, Men's Right's Groups have sprung up, and women themselves have started to fight for mens rights:




So in conclusion, we have a "key" and "lock" situation. A good key(man) opens many locks(women), and a good lock can only be opened by a few women.

Of course, a crappy lock can be opened by any key, and a crappy key won't open any locks.

So OP, if you really like this girl, then throw away all of your thoughts what people "should do". Forget what a slut or a player is, and do not belittle the stereotypical World of Warcraft loser. The world is full of enough hate as it is, and it will not help you or your partner.

On the other hand, you could just break up with her if it bothers you that much. I'd imagine that in 100 years from now, we'll have gender equality and situations like this will be scarce. Until then though, we're stuck with slut-labels and 40-year-old virgins!

Lorna123

username123 wrote: »

Exactly. For him.

The only point I am making is, whats normal for him may be abnormal for others, whats normal for her may be abnormal for others etc...

What is the norm that you are referring to? Are you simply saying the norm to indicate it is a low number or are you basing it on an objective study, and if so, the age, gender, culture of the people are also relevant so the best study would be one on young people in Irish cities as the national figure will be skewed by all the people who were under the influence of the Catholic Church and didnt have sex before they got married and then couldnt divorce, the fact that contraception only became available to non married people in Ireland in recent decades, homosexuality being a criminal activity until the 90s etc...

I thought I said that I was basing what the norm for me would be what most people would consider normal. If the OPs g/f considers 100 to be normal, then that's her opinion, but she is in the minority. Most people would not consider it normal to have had 100 partners by age 29. The OP doesn't consider it normal, nor do I.

username123

Lorna123 wrote: »

I thought I said that I was basing what the norm for me would be what most people would consider normal.

And where are you getting that from - what most people consider normal? What study are you quoting or where does that information come from? Can you back it up?

Ive no idea what most people consider normal btw, I havent asked them.

Ickle Magoo

Okay OP,

You've had 5 pages of responses and predictably, a whole spectrum of views have been represented.

Really, doing a straw poll on anything as subjective as relationships is generally a bad idea.

Going to lock this now as it will just continue to go around in circles - hope you find what was posted, useful.

All the best. :cool: