Thinking about meeting Birth Mother

Coolmint

Hi everyone,

I'm new here but have been dipping in and out quite regularly.

I'm adopted and in January I decided to finally register on the adoption register - only looking for my medical history mind you. On the very next day I got a letter from a social worker asking me to contact her as my birth mother had been in touch. She'd been working on the case for about a year but I think it's amazing that the letters crossed paths on the exact same day after 35+ years.

I still get shocked at the coincidence but since then things have moved on and we've exchanged letters and photos through the social worker. It's early days but so far everything is going quite well.

My BM would love to meet me but knows it is entirely up to me and is not putting any pressure on me.

It's not something I've ever been particularly desperate to do - and not so long ago I would have been very against it - but I've now come round to thinking it's a strong possibility and getting quite excited about it.

The SW is very clear that it can be a one-off, never to meet again type meeting, or it can be the start of something - it's entirely up to us. My husband is very wary and protective of me and doesn't really like the idea. He's afraid that I'll get hurt and says that I'm very generous and might end up agreeing to things out of obligation.

I know it will be very emotional and there is a risk that she won't like me or I won't like her. But I keep thinking I'd rather know and close it off, instead of wondering for the rest of my life. I'm not a big believer in fate but the circumstances around the letters also makes me question that this is "meant to be".

I suppose I'm posting because I'm looking for advice and opinions. Am I being very naive in thinking there's no harm in meeting?

Thanks in advance!

kathy finn

Hi Coolmint, I would say go for it and you never know you might end up with a great friend, go with your gut and what your heart is telling you.
I know your partner means well but nobody can tell you what to do but you.
life is too short to live with regrets, I did a search for my birthmum and she had passed away, I wish I had the chance you have.
Good luck

The_Conductor

I agree with Kathy- life is too short.
Yes, you could get hurt- yes, she could get hurt.
For all intents and purposes, you are two strangers meeting one another.
Perhaps you may have lots of things in common and end up best of friends, who knows.

My own advise is you will regret it if you don't meet her. Yes, you may get hurt- but its the lesser of two evils.

Life is short, and full of regrets- occasionally little things we do can bring either ourselves, or others, happiness. Hopefully this will be one such occasion for you.

Elizvonne

Hi Coolmint

That's such lovely news. I've been in contact with my bson a year now and had the same fears you are having at the beginning. Its very normal and everyone involved is terrified of rejection, your bmum is most likely feeling the same - but you could also have a GREAT RELATIONSHIP. As for your bmum not liking you - I'm sure she never stopped loving you!


Best Wishes
Ex

trixy

Hey
I think u should make contact with her, I have been trying for years to find my BM with no joy, as u get older there are more questions and you may never get this chance again. You have to remember what she went through and times were so different to what you and I will ever know . The fact she was looking for you also speaks volumes . I don't believe for 1 minute mothers wanted to give their children away but wanted a life for them they couldn't give. Most are very hurt with a lot more problems than u will ever encounter . I would give her a chance as she brought you into this world , I'm not saying you will get on but you may have an understanding that will help in years to come , best of luck

rio05

I would say definately meet her at least once or you may regret taking this opportunity.i was adopted my parents have been great but lately ive got really curious and feel i need answers. I have a letter written for ages to send to the adoption agency but keep puttin it off sending it.scared at whats ahead i suppose!!!! best of luck to you,im may work out for the best :-)

Coolmint

Hi everyone,

Sorry for the delay in replying - I have decided to go ahead and meet her! Nervous but excited too.

Thank you all so much for the responses - it really helped me make up my mind and I also discussed with a friend and the social worker. I guess deep down I knew I will want to meet her one day so I don't think there is any point delaying it further. I'm being very practical and level-headed about it, but that might all change!

One small thing that has come up is that the social worker suggested I bring a gift.

My gut reaction was that it sounds strange bringing a gift for someone I don't know, but it sounded like it's the 'done thing' and I wasn't brave enough to say no. I ended up suggesting flowers and a card but I'm still a little bit uncomfortable about it. It's not the money or anything, I just don't know if it's appropriate and will add pressure to the situation. I plan on bringing lots of photos to look through to break the ice.

Has anyone here been through a reunion and brought a gift to the first meeting? Or are there any suggestions for something besides flowers? Her children don't know about me so it would have to be something easily explained or small enough to hide.

Thanks again in advance

The_Conductor

I think photos of you growing up would be a nice present- its not really a 'gift' occasion- difficult one to call though- everyone is different.

Elizvonne

Coolmint

Great news. I am in agreement with Conductor - maybe a nice framed family photo for her. I don't think your bmum will be expecting a gift and I think something small is appropriate. Hopefully there will be many other occasions for exchanging gifts. Best wishes

schoolmouse

I would agree with all the posts that tell you to go ahead as I see it I would hate to have my son who is out there somewhere to contact me with no strings attached.Go for it girl.

justagirl

That is great news Coolmint

Everyone on here has given you great advice. One thing I think I can add is: just be yourself and do not feel under any pressure to make arrangements there and then to meet again, take your time. Its a huge step, so go easy on yourself. A gift of a photo I'm sure would be just perfect for her, you may only want to share a little part of you at the start, if you have family, you may not wish to share them with her yet - and remember - that's ok ...just do what you feel comfortable with and you will not have any regrets.

Remember, she will probably be just as nervous as you are. Best of luck and let us know how you get on

Hoof_Hearted

I want to wish you the very best and to say thanks too. I recently met my niece, it was wonderful for me and it's nice to have an insight into how she might have felt. I only wanted to know that she was ok and had had a happy and good life, and so she did, so I was overjoyed that she wanted to meet me and I'm very grateful for it. I wish you the very best.