Question for fathers

xxyyzz

I became a proud father for the first time yesterday and couldn't believe how good, talented and helpful the doctors and hospital staff were during the birth. However, in the post natal ward I've noticed that fathers are barely tolerated by the midwives. Most of them only bark orders at the father if they communicate with him at all. I'm fully aware that as a first time father I'm about as useful as a hemorrhoid at a rodeo around the baby but I am a willing student and want to help out as much as possible. Maybe I'm being too sensitive, any other fathers have similar experiences?

traineeacc

Not a father (I'm the mammy) but my husband would say the same thing. I suppose the mid wives priority is the mums and babies.

He found the few days in the hospital hard, hard leaving us and hard to see me in a lot of pain and hadn't a clue what to do.

Congrats on your new arrival and I'm sure you can't wait to get them home

nesf

Yeah, it's the norm. Ignore them and enjoy full nights of sleep while they last.

Gloomtastic!

We were in Holles Street for our son's birth seven years ago. Same experience as OP.

To add to the thread, there was a ladies loo approximately every second door throughout the hospital. Men's? One on the ground floor that any country pub would be proud of, disgusting place that looked like it hadn't been cleaned in weeks.

While I remember it OP, being in the maternity ward was like being on the set of a porn movie with all the women moaning. That used to make me smile.

xxyyzz

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

We were in Holles Street for our son's birth seven years ago. Same experience as OP.

To add to the thread, there was a ladies loo approximately every second door throughout the hospital. Men's? One on the ground floor that any country pub would be proud of, disgusting place that looked like it hadn't been cleaned in weeks.

While I remember it OP, being in the maternity ward was like being on the set of a porn movie with all the women moaning. That used to make me smile.

That's funny, I noticed the exact same thing with the toilets - not one mens toilet in the whole maternity section. (different hospital).

Moonbeam

we were in Holles st 3 times and did not find this at all,but twice it was only an overnight.
The other fathers annoyed me though by never leaving.

MintyDoris

xxyyzz wrote: »

I became a proud father for the first time yesterday and couldn't believe how good, talented and helpful the doctors and hospital staff were during the birth. However, in the post natal ward I've noticed that fathers are barely tolerated by the midwives. Most of them only bark orders at the father if they communicate with him at all. I'm fully aware that as a first time father I'm about as useful as a hemorrhoid at a rodeo around the baby but I am a willing student and want to help out as much as possible. Maybe I'm being too sensitive, any other fathers have similar experiences?

Congratulations!!

I would disagree with your usefulness. My OH was so supportive and when I think back on that time I remember the feeling of us being a team and being in this together. Your job now is to look after Mum, especially if she is breastfeeding. Share this time with her, be present with her if that makes sense.

However, I would agree with you regarding the hospital. The tone used to speak to my OH on a lot of occasions made me quite angry. He was there and willing to do whatever was required and I think there was only one time that he was addressed directly when he asked a question.

Congrats again, enjoy the time, it's amazing

Suucee

My OH felt the exact same. To the extent that he was told by a midwife that the bed is for patients. He was sitting on it with LO while I was moving around sorting out bags that needed to go home and stuff he had brought in.
Any time the nurses or doctors spoke about anything they just spoke to me. Never even looked at him. One midwife was lovely though and when she was bathing LO for the first time she was all for him helping and letting him get stuck in.
The midwives on labour ward were brilliant though.

Davidth88

Op I found the same. Fathers are tolorated rather than welcomed. My two were born in the Rotunda . The labour ward is very welcoming but after........ good example the only male toilets are a tiny place in the entrance often with a queue.

Davidth88

Op CONGRATULATIONS BTW

xxyyzz

Thanks for the good wishes. To be fair the midwives have been supportive of my wife and very good with the breastfeeding which is proving to be much trickier than either of us imagined. I think some of them are very old-school and set in their ways. The kid's doing great which is the main thing and I'm sure my wounded pride will survive.

Supercell

We had ours in Holles street and I share the feelings about the [only male]toilet on the first floor!
Some nurses were a little brusque for sure but others were great . I remember one showing me how to change a nappy for the first time and she was very kind and helpful. We bought them a box of chocs before leaving so they can't have been all that bad

Voltex

I suppose your experience or perception of it depends on what your expectations were going into the hospital. Ive had three in the Rotunda and I always picked up the vibe that its an institution that's there purely for the purpose of the health and wellbeing of mum and baby...and that dads should just suck it up. With that, when the time came I just did what ever I was told and got out of the way when I needed to.

Having said all that when my wife was getting her epidural on my first, I was asked to stand in front of my wife and support the front of her body as the doctor administered the meds...when I saw the needle he was going to put in her back I got a very sudden dose of the cold sweats, tunnel vision and black out...next thing I knew it |I was was sitting on a chair with about three nurses looking after ME...as my wife was in labour!!

All Id say is that they may want to re-look at the chairs they provide for partners...Id guess the person who picks them out never had to try sitting in one for 18hrs!!


BTW...congrats OP enjoy and remember every minute of being a Dad..its great!!

julyjane

Congratulations to the OP, enjoy this special time as he/she will be 3/6/9/12 months old in no time at all

AFAIR the hospital I attended (outside of Dublin) just had one toilet in the area around the delivery suites that just said "toilet" on the door so in the few hours we were there my OH may have used it once or twice. When visiting me in the following days he would have been up and down to the shop/vending machine/car to get me stuff so would have used the toilets in the public area of the hospital.

He didn't have too much bother from the nursing staff except from the day he came to bring us home. He wheeled up the buggy with the car seat on top of it and left it at the end of the bed while I went off to the bathroom to get ready to go home and he started gathering up the baby's things while DS was still asleep in the cot. A nurse came along and roared "who's buggy is that?" and started ranting that it was not official visiting hours (first time I've heard them complaining about people visiting outside of hours and fathers are permitted outside of visiting hours)

Moonbeam

Voltex wrote: »

I suppose your experience or perception of it depends on what your expectations were going into the hospital. Ive had three in the Rotunda and I always picked up the vibe that its an institution that's there purely for the purpose of the health and wellbeing of mum and baby...and that dads should just suck it up. With that, when the time came I just did what ever I was told and got out of the way when I needed to.

Having said all that when my wife was getting her epidural on my first, I was asked to stand in front of my wife and support the front of her body as the doctor administered the meds...when I saw the needle he was going to put in her back I got a very sudden dose of the cold sweats, tunnel vision and black out...next thing I knew it |I was was sitting on a chair with about three nurses looking after ME...as my wife was in labour!!

All Id say is that they may want to re-look at the chairs they provide for partners...Id guess the person who picks them out never had to try sitting in one for 18hrs!!


BTW...congrats OP enjoy and remember every minute of being a Dad..its great!!

Sorry but I laughed through your post and then read it out to the husband who also laughed not at you but at the situation:)
I think they would have to knock me out to give me an epidural.
After I had my 1st and they asked would I like a cup of tea, I said of he would love one. I learned quick enough:)

Congrats xxyyzz, happy sleepless nights;)

shedweller

I remember coming off nights to visit my wife shortly after she gave birth to twins. One was in nicu, the other was beside her. She needed to have a shower so as soon as i came in she was off with her drip to have a shower. Glamorous.
I checked our baby and then sat back on the bed, passed out and then woke up 10 mins later with a nurse looking at me disapprovingly! My wife made a valiant effort at standing up for me but there wasn't a half conscious person between us! I woke up about 30 mins later, still in a heap and had to give one of the twins an expressed bottle while my wife was had her c section tended to. I recall getting a "you're a retard" look from one of the nurses while a baby across the way was screaming non stop for the past 2 days. Against their culture or something. ???
Our other kid was in nicu and was force fed until his weight came up enough to get him out of the nicu. 6 years later he still has a problem with stuffing his face.
I'm just a technician but i could see that. I suppose the nurses are overworked to the point that they don't care much anymore. That same old tired argument is cropping up again eh?
I feel your pain OP and dont waste your time worrying about it. Just get through it and don't look back. You or i are not going to change anything like this in this country. You'll be wiser the next time eh?!

happywithlife

Hi there am a mom not a dad but I must say
On our first baby, who was born in st finbarrs in cork pre amalgamation , dh got amazing treatment from the midwives.. We also had a bit of an 'er' situation with dh when he got knocked out by a mw widely swinging open a door ...they also tended to him while I was ' ahh having a contraction over here!... Anyway they doted on him afterwards.
When baba finally made an appearance 27 hours later they gave me an empty recovery room (4bed) and happily left himself sleep for a couple of hours in one of the spare beds..he also tea n toast before going home...
2 nd birth was in the new Cumh and all 3 of us legged it outta there within 24 hours it was so awful :-(
But I'd disagree with shedweller - send in a letter to the hospital master expressing your disappointment regarding both the midwives attitude and the lack of services ...if nobody complains of course nothing with change. No point just moaning about it anonymously on an Internet forum...put pen to paper...
Congrats on becoming a dad btw!

Mink

Congrats!!

Yeah the midwives really only care about the mothers & babies, ie; that's their priority. Terribly that there's only one loo, Any day I've been in the Rotunda etc, there's been tons of men milling around.

I had a home birth with a private midwife so my husband was basically her slave (and my slave) for close on 12 hours. He didn't have time to fart, but he said he enjoyed that as he was part of the process from beginning to end and had a job so to speak.

He was running up and down the stairs trying to get the pool filled, while also helping midwife get set up and also having to rub my back for EVERY contraction from beginning to end. Think he lost a stone that night!

evolving_doors

I think op, whatever happens don't go along with the lazy stereotype... although if your wife wants to have her sister or mother there instead of you then by all means...but stay very close to the delivery room

Possible scenario that happened to me..baby became really sick very quickly and wife is out for the count... Thankfully everything turned out ok but I id never live it down if my kid (or wife!) died and I wasn't there that day.... so to hell with the tuttutting lazy manhaters.. stick up for your family because things can go horribly wrong very quick, so if you get any disparaging remarks or looks then just think of what could happen if you weren't there..

Went to Coombe BTW ..excellent hospital and really supportive..but I think everyones experience (even with baby no. 2) can be completely different ...

Now in saying all that...women in barber shops with husbands... gtf out...

badgerhowlin

I had my 1st 17 months ago and I cant remember the mid-wives been like that to me. Maybe they were and i took no notice of them. All my attention and focus was on my little bundle of joy and what ever was left over was on my wife. From what I can remember of them they were fine to me.

May keep a closer eye on them in November...

As for the toilets. I used the one that was in the ward. Hay i was not going to walk walk to the front door and back that would of been 5 mins i missed with my baby.(And i didnt miss a drop!!!!)

3DataModem

Things are different when you have twins, I assure you!

Clearlier

Good experience at the Coombe 6 years ago. I must have looked funny when he was on the way out because the obstetrician very quickly told me 'that's normal'. I hadn't realised he would be blue when he was being born.

Second one was at home and was born in a birthing pool. Midwife got there approximately 5 minutes before the birth with my wife hanging on for dear life. I played as significant a part in that one as I ever expect to in a birth.

wil

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

We were in Holles Street for our son's birth seven years ago. Same experience as OP.

To add to the thread, there was a ladies loo approximately every second door throughout the hospital. Men's? One on the ground floor that any country pub would be proud of, disgusting place that looked like it hadn't been cleaned in weeks.
....

I bet they still haven't fixed the lock on it either, and won't now they are moving.

With perhaps one exception I found the midwives and nurses had a decent bedside manner and open to answering pertinent questions. As a partner, your main job is to stand quietly by but remain observant and alert to anything not going as it should. Mistakes can happen as we are all sadly aware.

That Holles St building though is unsuitable and accommodation for fathers with other children ridiculous as they have nowhere to wait at night. Waited overnight in the entrance area with some rather unpleasant security blaring a TV unaware my child was emergency delivered 6 hours earlier. Slipped someone's attention:mad::eek::( that I might like to know. Too happy to be annoyed when I saw her.

uck51js9zml2yt

My wife had ours in the rotunda. cant say i experienced any problems.

We had a great midwife who even brought me in a nice pot of tea with toast and yes...I also got jam.
They wouldn't let my wife have anything to eat so she just lay there watching me being looked after:)

With having more experience with young kids than my wife (I'm from a large family) I probably knew more than she did. I was also in the position of her being a non national so it was often down to me to talk to the midwives to clarify things which she wasn't sure of because of language. I was never one to just take instructions from them without voicing an opinion or asking a question.

But after all is said, they looked after her and junior well and we are back for another one in November.

My only gripe is 1 male toilet in the waiting area downstairs.

Sleepy

Wife had our daughter in Holles Street and if anything, I ended up giving the midwife instructions tbh.

We started with a lovely midwife and everything was going fine, all that was required of me to this point was to run to the shop on some errand and hold her hand.

Then a pig-ignorant little lump came in, ordered my wife's midwife to go for her break and caused mayhem until I stepped between her and my wife and cleared up her mis-communication of the attending doctor's instructions (they needed to attach a needle to the baby's head to monitor the heartbeat as they weren't getting it the normal way - nothing was wrong, their equipment just wasn't picking up the baby's heartbeat in the normal fashion but mention the words "baby" and "needle" to a mid-labour Mrs Sleepy who's terrified of syringes and you need to explain things clearly in a calm rather than an abrupt, "do what your told" manner).

After that incident, while the midwife's attitude didn't improve much, but she at knew after that to direct any communication to my wife via me so I could translate her blunt pidgin English into more suitable phrasing for a woman in labour. She took visible umbrage at being asked if we could have our original midwife back but kept her mouth shut as she knew I was fit to tear her head off and once the break was over we got the original midwife back in time for the delivery.

So my advice? Don't leave the room. Your partner may just need a hand to hold and some sympathy but it's possible you'll be needed for more.

branners69

For our first the midwife in the Rotunda was a bloke, he was brilliant! He used to be a courier and then became a midwife, he must have a thing about deliveries!

On the the next two visits (once with twins) we had some good and bad experiences!

But the gents toilet downstairs is something out of Trainspotting! :eek:

Moonbeam

is that the visitors toilet with the baby changing unit on the right when you come in?

Davidth88

Moonbeam wrote: »

is that the visitors toilet with the baby changing unit on the right when you come in?

That's it yep.

Found people shooting up in there , blood on walls you name it ..... truly horrible.

Jiggers77

xxyyzz wrote: »

I became a proud father for the first time yesterday and couldn't believe how good, talented and helpful the doctors and hospital staff were during the birth. However, in the post natal ward I've noticed that fathers are barely tolerated by the midwives. Most of them only bark orders at the father if they communicate with him at all. I'm fully aware that as a first time father I'm about as useful as a hemorrhoid at a rodeo around the baby but I am a willing student and want to help out as much as possible. Maybe I'm being too sensitive, any other fathers have similar experiences?

A part of the territory I'm afraid my friend. I always found when you killed the nurses with kindness and were overly nice to a sickening level the nurses just didnt know how to react and got confused. I always felt it took the edge of a surly nurses frostiness.
Congratulations on the new arrival and dont let it bother you

xxyyzz

Jiggers77 wrote: »

A part of the territory I'm afraid my friend. I always found when you killed the nurses with kindness and were overly nice to a sickening level the nurses just didnt know how to react and got confused. I always felt it took the edge of a surly nurses frostiness.
Congratulations on the new arrival and dont let it bother you

Thanks. after 3 weeks surly midwives are the least of my problems Toughest 3 weeks of my life.

Oral Slang

I think my partner had a good enough experience. Him & the midwives were chatting about televisions shows while I was labouring away. May have helped that they were all our age & younger. They asked him afterwards if he wanted to look at the placenta & him & the midwife examined it thoroughly. That was in the Rotunda. Hoping to go for a homebirth this time though, as I hated him having to leave at night & I got no sleep whatsoever.