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Situation becoming messy.

Ophiopogon · 2013-06-09 08:22:29

Bit of background, I had an affair and became pregnant. The fathers partner does not live here at the moment. Initally when I told the father of the pregnacy he was shocked but very supportive. We sat down and talked calmly about what we were going to do and were coming to some sort of agreement. Then he told the partner,…

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#32 17-06-2013 1:58am
Paddy Cow

Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭

Join Date: September 2010

Posts: 6474

December2012 wrote: »

What did this woman ever do to you to justify you treating HER so badly

Most of your post I agree with but this stood out for me. There are three things that this woman did that would have alarm bells ringing in my head if I was the op.

1 She wanted the op to have an abortion

2 She wanted her partner to chose between her and the child

3 She now wants access to the child

I understand that this woman has been thrown into a difficult situation and probably isn't thinking straight but that is why I would have reservations about her. She has gone from wanting to abort the child to having access. Her emotions are all over the place right now and I would have serious reservations about leaving a newborn in her care. Many people struggle to bond with children when they enter a relationship knowing that the person has kids. She isn't just dealing with a stepchild but also the emotions that surface when a partner cheats. She has decided to continue her relationship with her partner but how will she cope when there is a mini me reminder of that affair?

We can argue the morality about having an affair and who is to blame or who should have their feelings considered etc but at the end of the day, there is an innocent child being born into this and it's the child who should be put first, not the mother, father and father's partner. As to whether or not the father should be put on the birth cert, this is only my opinion but whenever possible the father should be on it. It is next to impossible to change a birth cert after it has been registered and every child should at least know the name of their parents.

I am not a parent but I lost my father as a child. I remember doing a workshop when I was a teenager for kids from one parent families. I remember the counseller asked us whether we thought it was harder to lose a parent through death or separation and loss of contact (looking back I can't believe they actually asked that question :eek:). The kids who's father's died said they would've preferred if they walked out as it would mean that they were still alive and there was a chance that they might be able to contact them and build a relationship at some stage and the kids who's father's walked out were undecided as they didn't know if they wanted a relationship with their father.

OP you are in a very tough situation and I hope you have a good support network around you. Right now you don't know how things are going to work out and the only thing you know for sure is that you are having a baby. I know you want to breastfeed and seem to be planning access in the future based on this but don't put so much pressure on yourself. Not all women can breastfeed and if it turns out you are one of them, given the pressure you are under now it could cause you an awful lot of stress. Plus even if you bottle feed, newborns don't feed to schedule so it's unrealistic to be thinking about access just now. Some babies wake up every 1 - 2 hours, which would be a nightmare if trying to juggle them between two houses.

I wish you all the best.

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