grandparents....grrr

bp

Hi all,

rant alert! Why do parents/ grand parents insist that your child is starving/ you aren't minding them properly etc....

My parents keep telling me to wean my four month old because "he is starving".
They don't seem to agree with breast feeding and keep saying:

- put baby rice in his bottle, we did....don't listen to the medical advice, sure you were fine and we did it to you.

- give him a bottle (formula) he is starving, sure it is better than breast milk

- Oh if the baby book/ doctor says it then you just do what they say!

etc etc

He is a very healthy baby, doctor says "thriving" and is in no way starving!

I know they love us and the baby but they are driving me insane going on. For some reason both sets of grand parents are against breast feeding and make me feel uncomfortable doing it in front of them so I feed him at home, then they give out when I leave at food time!

ok rant over!

wmpdd3

How come I knew by the first line that you were breast feeding?

I'm the first to breastfeed in my family and you'd swear I had both my kids on the atkins diet with the comments I got.

I lost the plot one day with a relative that I dont like and asked if they thought putting food in their baby's tum so early led to that childs issue with weight gain in childhood.

That quelled her, but to be honest I felt like I had stooped to her level.

Other than that I never commented on either way of feeding, I'm not employed by the HSE to comment. All the info is there for them if they want to find out, if they dont, who cares.

You are the mam, you know what you are doing. It's harder when the father questions the feeding because they actually should have an input.

The funny thing is, if they were born before 1940 they were probably breastfed.

orol221

feel sorry for you....
There is nothing better for a baby then get breast feeding ... it's a right choice and stick with it

getz

bp wrote: »

Hi all,

rant alert! Why do parents/ grand parents insist that your child is starving/ you aren't minding them properly etc....

My parents keep telling me to wean my four month old because "he is starving".
They don't seem to agree with breast feeding and keep saying:

- put baby rice in his bottle, we did....don't listen to the medical advice, sure you were fine and we did it to you.

- give him a bottle (formula) he is starving, sure it is better than breast milk

- Oh if the baby book/ doctor says it then you just do what they say!

etc etc

He is a very healthy baby, doctor says "thriving" and is in no way starving!

I know they love us and the baby but they are driving me insane going on. For some reason both sets of grand parents are against breast feeding and make me feel uncomfortable doing it in front of them so I feed him at home, then they give out when I leave at food time!

ok rant over!

because they have been there done it and bought the tea shirt,both you or your other half came out ok so why knock them,we have had the same talk about our grandchild,the mother says she should be drinking this milk or eating this food ect,not understanding that it is in the big infant food companies interest to try and sell you their product,

Nead21

I could have written that post OP!! Very frustrating. My mam is fine but my MIL is really starting to grate my nerves with what i should do. Im also breastfeeding.

bp

thanks all - I know they mean well and would do anything for the baby but it is driving me up the wall!

we were both bottle fed as babies so they don't get why I want to breast feed! At least my OH is on the same page as me and supports what the health nurse told us to do!

As I said to my mam, they were told drinking while breastfeeding/ pregnant was fine back in her day!

getz

wmpdd3 wrote: »

How come I knew by the first line that you were breast feeding?

I'm the first to breastfeed in my family and you'd swear I had both my kids on the atkins diet with the comments I got.

I lost the plot one day with a relative that I dont like and asked if they thought putting food in their baby's tum so early led to that childs issue with weight gain in childhood.

That quelled her, but to be honest I felt like I had stooped to her level.

Other than that I never commented on either way of feeding, I'm not employed by the HSE to comment. All the info is there for them if they want to find out, if they dont, who cares.

You are the mam, you know what you are doing. It's harder when the father questions the feeding because they actually should have an input.

The funny thing is, if they were born before 1940 they were probably breastfed.

I was born in 1940 and was fed on powdered milk my mother was working in a factory [during the war] so like most babies in the UK at that time, it was up to the child minders to bottle feed the many babies,it was not even possible to get cows milk,

cyning

Oh I could so have written that too! Strangely enough I don't allow my child to starve on a regular basis

They mean well, but advice has changed for a reason. So frustrating

bp

ps I know formula is a perfectly good way to feed babies, it is more the pressure from parents to stop breast feeding and the continued remarks that I amn't minding my child properly because I breastfeed/ haven't weaned!

coolhull

As a grandparent, I say, 'you do whatever suits you, gir!'
What we or our parents did makes absolutely no difference to how you should rear your child.
Different generations, different methods..
Grandparents are right, you're right. Nobody sets out to do treat the baby wrongly, and your way may not be the parents way, but its your way.
And remember, in a few weeks, the baby will possibly be weaned anyway, and it'll no longer be a talking point.
Follow your heart and you won't go too far wrong!

Francie Barrett

wmpdd3 wrote: »

How come I knew by the first line that you were breast feeding?

My wife's in-laws also took it personally that we chose to breast-feed our babies rather than use formula. I get the feeling that they felt guilty because they didn't breast feed and they wanted her to use formula to remove their guilt. Selfish, but that's the way some people are.

Breast feeding can be an absolute pain (especially with a newborn and you don't see immediate benefit). Give it a few months though and you will see there is a world of difference between your baby and formula-fed babies. You'll see all the formula fed babies hocking mucus, coughing and spluttering in the colder months while your baby is in perfect health. You'll also see that your baby is more alert than formula fed babies. While formula-fed babies will be dozing in their prams, your little one will want to be up watching all around her or on the floor playing little games. Of course, this is a challenge in itself, but it's all worthwhile as you'll get to bond with your baby and the baby will of course be learning all the time.

I think society and the media has a lot to answer for. They've conditioned us into thinking that there's no harm in babies being overly pudgy and that you can't feed them enough. This isn't an attack on all formula-fed babies, but I get the feeling that some mothers would rather their children to be seen and not heard. If the baby cries out, just feed it, regardless of whether it was fed recently or not. It's easier to keep the baby docile, sleepy and fed rather than to actually engage with it.

highflyer30

Francie Barrett wrote: »

My wife's in-laws also took it personally that we chose to breast-feed our babies rather than use formula. I get the feeling that they felt guilty because they didn't breast feed and they wanted her to use formula to remove their guilt. Selfish, but that's the way some people are.

Breast feeding can be an absolute pain (especially with a newborn and you don't see immediate benefit). Give it a few months though and you will see there is a world of difference between your baby and formula-fed babies. You'll see all the formula fed babies hocking mucus, coughing and spluttering in the colder months while your baby is in perfect health. You'll also see that your baby is more alert than formula fed babies. While formula-fed babies will be dozing in their prams, your little one will want to be up watching all around her or on the floor playing little games. Of course, this is a challenge in itself, but it's all worthwhile as you'll get to bond with your baby and the baby will of course be learning all the time.

I think society and the media has a lot to answer for. They've conditioned us into thinking that there's no harm in babies being overly pudgy and that you can't feed them enough. This isn't an attack on all formula-fed babies, but I get the feeling that some mothers would rather their children to be seen and not heard. If the baby cries out, just feed it, regardless of whether it was fed recently or not. It's easier to keep the baby docile, sleepy and fed rather than to actually engage with it.

Sounds like an attack on formula fed babies and their mothers to me. Everyone is doing what they believe is best for their child. Why cant eveyone support each other. (I breastfed for 3 months, not everyone is lucky to be able to for different reasons)

How Strange

On the point of grand parents and how things were in their day; alot of us were given rice in our bottles at 3-4 weeks. I don't think any one would do that now but it was the norm back then so things do change for the better.

They mean well but it's very annoying when they keep hammering home the same point especially if you're doing things in a different style to theirs.

However, after getting one child to 2 years, I'll say that the baby stage which provokes the greatest reaction passes very quickly. Those comments can be irritating at the time but the baby grows up, stops feeding on breast or bottle and all of a sudden you need grandparents for babysitting an energetic toddler.

NyquistFreak

Francie Barrett wrote: »

This isn't an attack on all formula-fed babies, but I get the feeling that some mothers would rather their children to be seen and not heard. If the baby cries out, just feed it, regardless of whether it was fed recently or not. It's easier to keep the baby docile, sleepy and fed rather than to actually engage with it.

What are you basing this on exactly? If you're formula feeding your baby you must stick to scheduled feeding times, every three or four hours, unlike breastfed babies no one advises to formula feed on demand, so I'm not sure what the point you're trying to make is? Or why you feel the need to begin with "this isn't an attack on all formula fed babies but..."

I appreciate you're trying to be supportive to someone who needs it, but much if what you've said is just untrue.

lazygal

I think you need to develop a deaf ear. I do the same with the grandparents on both sides. My mum was horrified when we came to weaning and did baby led weaning - now I hear her boast all the time about what a great independent eater she is. There's other 'advice' from my husbands' parents we turn a deaf ear to. We've used the 'that's great, must read up on that' more than once when we've been offered particularly useful comments.

I agree there can be an element of huffiness around breastfeeding and that some people take it as a slight that you are doing something they didn't. I got it from my side of the family at an event while I was feeding my child, but I decided to pick my battles and let their tales of woe about it wash over me.

traineeacc

Francie Barrett wrote: »

My wife's in-laws also took it personally that we chose to breast-feed our babies rather than use formula. I get the feeling that they felt guilty because they didn't breast feed and they wanted her to use formula to remove their guilt. Selfish, but that's the way some people are.

Breast feeding can be an absolute pain (especially with a newborn and you don't see immediate benefit). Give it a few months though and you will see there is a world of difference between your baby and formula-fed babies. You'll see all the formula fed babies hocking mucus, coughing and spluttering in the colder months while your baby is in perfect health. You'll also see that your baby is more alert than formula fed babies. While formula-fed babies will be dozing in their prams, your little one will want to be up watching all around her or on the floor playing little games. Of course, this is a challenge in itself, but it's all worthwhile as you'll get to bond with your baby and the baby will of course be learning all the time.

I think society and the media has a lot to answer for. They've conditioned us into thinking that there's no harm in babies being overly pudgy and that you can't feed them enough. This isn't an attack on all formula-fed babies, but I get the feeling that some mothers would rather their children to be seen and not heard. If the baby cries out, just feed it, regardless of whether it was fed recently or not. It's easier to keep the baby docile, sleepy and fed rather than to actually engage with it.

I'm sorry but I actually find your post seriously insulting. I formula feed as I was unable to breast feed due to medication issues however my son is very alert loads of energy,walking and has loads of words at 10 months.

Every child is different and I think your post is misleading.

For what its worth,I was bottle fed,for same medical reason my son was and I achieved 590 points in my leaving Cert, topped my class in Trinity and I'm a qualified account. I don't think that not being breast feed has had any long time affects! In addition my son at 10 months has never been to the doctor yet apart from his injections. He strong fit and healthy which I think he would be breast or bottle,its just his make up.

missis aggie

Just smile and say thank you for advice and keep doing what you doing that is our motto for any advice:) I know exactly what you mean although we have very supportive family's for breastfeeding, blw, baby wearing etc we had to explain why we are doing things different way Its hard especially with parents as they did the best they knew for us ( with the information they had). If you would show them evidence why things changed since their time they propably be terrified .. ( my mum was ).

Fairie

I personally don't find any difference between breastfed and formula fed babies, each baby develops at their own rate.
As for grandparents / family advise we just say thank you for that information we'll look into that a bit more and continue with what we feel is right. Information and advise is always changing I'm sure when our children have their own children we'll be dishing out the advise and they will be thinking here they go again!!! Go with what you feel is best all that matters is baby is healthy and happy

Neyite

Word for word, practically, I got exactly the same comments. The rice in the bottle, the formula top up, and other howlers too. Like Lazygal, I just smiled politely and said "yeah, we must read up on that" or something equally vague.

There were other ones too - dont make the baby laugh, it can kill them - that is a standing joke in our house now. Swaddling, lying on their back, soothers/thumbsucking, and so on. Everyone has a different opinion. Even amongst us awesome boardsie parents we all do it our own way

My own mother was half proud /half distrustful of breastfeeding - she just had no direct experience of it. But I used to mention the odd interesting breastfeeding fact from time to time - "did you know that breastmilk changes in nutrients as the baby's needs change, Mam? Fascinating, isnt it?"

Then as he got bigger, it was just easy to point at him and say that the GP and Nurse were delighted with his development and weight.

pwurple

Francie Barrett wrote: »

You'll see all the formula fed babies hocking mucus, coughing and spluttering in the colder months while your baby is in perfect health. You'll also see that your baby is more alert than formula fed babies. While formula-fed babies will be dozing in their prams, your little one will want to be up watching all around her or on the floor playing little games.

What in the world is this?

I'm all for breastfeeding, would have loved to manage it myself. seriously, you don't need to make stuff up. It has plenty of actual benefits without invoking your imagination. My child's breastfed cousin was hospitalised three times with chest and ear infections alone before she was two, and spend another week in hospital with whooping cough, even though she had been vaccinated. Breastfeeding gives some additional immunity but it doesn't create an army of invincible IronMen.

Grandparents can be super-pushy at the start. I remember her nana being so convinced the baby had 'wind' that she would pat her on the back, harder and harder for twenty minutes until the child threw up. It passes.

Sunhill

"My wife's in-laws ..."
Isn't that a funny way of saying "my parents" and a waste of bandwidth:)
Perhaps you meant "My in-laws/my wife's parents"

Missyelliot2

It's really hard to listen to 'advice', when you are knackered, no matter how well-meaning the advisor is (harder if it's a mother-in-law!!)

Breastfeeding doesn't work for lots of people - so what? And really, mums (and dads) need to stop this competitive brinksmanship that comes with having a baby. Most parents know and do what's right for their child ....if that means peeling grapes (guilty here!), so be it!

Breastfeeding is great...but don't berate those that don't!

wmpdd3

I'm trying to be open minded here. Imagine in 20 years time when my daughter brings home her baby .

The new rules in 2033 are:

Babies must sleep in their own room from day 1.
Babies must sleep on organic straw.
They go to bed with an iphone stuck onto their cot, with pictures of them beamed around the world while they sleep.
The baby room should be 15c.
They sleep in a vest only.
You dont ween them until 12 months.
You dont wash the baby until they are 6 months old.
You dont feed baby for the first 5 days.

OK they are a bit far fetched, but I can just hear myself saying, jesus, we never did it like that, did the PHN tell you to do that or did you read it on the internet?!

IvyTheTerrible

I don't know why this thread had to turn into a breast-feeding vs formula fight! :rolleyes:

My baby is 16 months, and I am still getting the "advice" from the MIL, which is in fact, thinly veiled criticism. She doesn't "believe" I put suncream on him when we go out. She keeps going on about it. He gets recurrent nappy rash while he is teething, but no, it's not teething, it's cos i leave him to sit in his ****ty nappies, obviously. Then when I pulled her up on that accusation, it was that the Sudocrem is not good enough. When he was small, she wanted him to wear a headband to help keep his ears in, cos apparently they are really sticking out, and that will give him a complex later on. Of course, her talking about his ears in front of him from day one won't give him a complex! :rolleyes:. She wanted me to give up breastfeeding him because during developmental leaps he was feeding more than once every three hours, cos apparently once every three hours is the magic number! She gives him bread to keep him quiet even though I've told her not too.

I try to let all this in one ear and out the other but it can be difficult when someone is chipping away at you all the time.

wmpdd3

I my God I thought I had it bad! My own mother would be very like that. My daughter has a faded strawberrymark on her nose. My mother mentions it so much that my daughter repeats it late at night when she wakes up for a chat with her Teddies.
l"your little mark has gone down a good bit"

And she been trying to get my son walking since he was 6 months old.
Ash well they mean well....

dollybird2

Francie Barrett wrote: »

My wife's in-laws also took it personally that we chose to breast-feed our babies rather than use formula. I get the feeling that they felt guilty because they didn't breast feed and they wanted her to use formula to remove their guilt. Selfish, but that's the way some people are.

Breast feeding can be an absolute pain (especially with a newborn and you don't see immediate benefit). Give it a few months though and you will see there is a world of difference between your baby and formula-fed babies. You'll see all the formula fed babies hocking mucus, coughing and spluttering in the colder months while your baby is in perfect health. You'll also see that your baby is more alert than formula fed babies. While formula-fed babies will be dozing in their prams, your little one will want to be up watching all around her or on the floor playing little games. Of course, this is a challenge in itself, but it's all worthwhile as you'll get to bond with your baby and the baby will of course be learning all the time.

I think society and the media has a lot to answer for. They've conditioned us into thinking that there's no harm in babies being overly pudgy and that you can't feed them enough. This isn't an attack on all formula-fed babies, but I get the feeling that some mothers would rather their children to be seen and not heard. If the baby cries out, just feed it, regardless of whether it was fed recently or not. It's easier to keep the baby docile, sleepy and fed rather than to actually engage with it.

:eek:
This is definitely the most uneducated/misinformative post I have ever seen on this forum. And this is the opinion of a woman who experience of both breastfed children and formula fed children, decisions that were personal and necessary individually.

On the OP, due to circumstances I and my husband have had to move into my parents while awaiting the completion of our house. So I feel your pain here, we can't do any right! The kids aren't fed right, they are bathed too much, why don't we use talc when changing nappies, the list is endless!!!! Yet, they are running around full of sugar the past few days (a neverending ring of chocolate around the mouth) thanks to nana & grandad! Everytime I see my daughter she has chocolate buttons and a bottle of robinsons fruit shoot in her hand!

Mink

wmpdd3 wrote: »

I'm trying to be open minded here. Imagine in 20 years time when my daughter brings home her baby .

The new rules in 2033 are:

Babies must sleep in their own room from day 1.
Babies must sleep on organic straw.
They go to bed with an iphone stuck onto their cot, with pictures of them beamed around the world while they sleep.
The baby room should be 15c.
They sleep in a vest only.
You dont ween them until 12 months.
You dont wash the baby until they are 6 months old.
You dont feed baby for the first 5 days.

OK they are a bit far fetched, but I can just hear myself saying, jesus, we never did it like that, did the PHN tell you to do that or did you read it on the internet?!

I've often thought the same - everything will be revised by the time we are new grandparents. I will be the mother-in-law when my son has kids and I'm really going to have to remember to bite my tongue and just go with whatever they decide to do.

Having said all that, my mother-in-law has actually pointed out some things that we missed. And I think we missed them as we were thinking "ah here she is again freaking out". But she spotted he had oral thrush early on and also spotted the start of a rash. Also we took her old-school advice on cradle cap (after getting it confirmed by five other people) and it worked. Lastly she was the one who noticed that one side of his nappy was filling up faster than the other as we weren't repositioning his willy to the middle of the nappy if you know what I mean.

So I've learnt to listen to her and have gotten skilled in filtering through the nonsense to the stuff that actually is right!

She tells me that in The Coombe back 30 yrs ago they used to tell the mothers to feed the baby formula up to 6 mths and then switch to watered down cows milk!

Mink

Francie Barrett wrote: »

This isn't an attack on all formula-fed babies, but I get the feeling that some mothers would rather their children to be seen and not heard. If the baby cries out, just feed it, regardless of whether it was fed recently or not. It's easier to keep the baby docile, sleepy and fed rather than to actually engage with it.

When my son was a newborn maybe up to 2/3 months if I tried to do ANYTHING other than feed him when he cried his hungry cry, he would have had my guts for garters. The whole goal of the day and night when they are that small is to keep them fed/changed and rested. Real interaction usually doesn't come til they are a bit older and can go longer without food (ie; their tummy's are bigger).

I know you meant well by your post, but it definitely insults a lot of people who decided to bottle feed. I breastfed up til 7 wks and wish I went longer but I certainly have never observed what you have with bottle fed babies.

wmpdd3

I fed mine both ways....I didnt read the post to be honest!

True about the grandmothers spotting things you'd miss your self though. My mother spotted a turn in my neices' eye. Your so caught up in the rollercoaster of minding babies you do miss the things you are looking at all the time.



Interesting what the lady said about one side filling up faster, my little fella leaks on only one side! I must look into this.

Chocolate fiend

NyquistFreak wrote: »

What are you basing this on exactly? If you're formula feeding your baby you must stick to scheduled feeding times, every three or four hours, unlike breastfed babies no one advises to formula feed on demand, so I'm not sure what the point you're trying to make is? Or why you feel the need to begin with "this isn't an attack on all formula fed babies but..."

I appreciate you're trying to be supportive to someone who needs it, but much if what you've said is just untrue.

I am breastfeeding a 15 month old, but, I formula fed my older children, they were bottle fed on demand and all formula fed babies I know are or were fed the same way. You are wrong.

amdublin

It's just advice. Take it or leave it.

At the end of the day they are saying it because they care.