grandparents....grrr

dub_skav

Chocolate fiend wrote: »

I am breastfeeding a 15 month old, but, I formula fed my older children, they were bottle fed on demand and all formula fed babies I know are or were fed the same way. You are wrong.

Ah, I see, your anecdotal experience is unquestionable truth.

Our baby was formula fed on a schedule, not on demand.
Obviously everybody has their own way of doing things

wmpdd3

We visit grandparents once a week and have great fun bit what do you do if your parents are also your childcare I can't imagine.I leave my kids with my mother in law all the time but wouldn't dream of leaving them with my mum!

Mink

Mil minds my son while I'm at work (no way we'd afford crèche). So we rarely bring him up at the weekend, only if something on (father's day etc). She probably likes when he comes up with us as she's not in charge of minding him and can just enjoy him as a granny rather than a minder.

bp

Hi all

thanks for the replies! They do give some great advice, which I take and they are the first people I call at the hint of a rash it is just the unsolicited advice and the 'jokes': five days after giving birth my mother asked if I had a second one in there because I was still "fat" - five days people!!!

I know they mean well, but after three days in a row of "put baby rice in his bottle" I told them that he was my child who I would rear how I saw fit! not sure if they will listen but sure isn't that a grand parents job! Tell you what to do :-)

December2012

Just remember that to them, a part of you will always be their baby. And it's very hard to watch your baby doing something so huge that you have experience of without offering advice. Think of comments about dating, friends, etc.

Grandparents is an extension of it.

You learn to say "thanks but no thanks this time" in your own way.

wmpdd3

Hi all

thanks for the replies! They do give some great advice, which I take and they are the first people I call at the hint of a rash it is just the unsolicited advice and the 'jokes': five days after giving birth my mother asked if I had a second one in there because I was still "fat" - five days people!!!

I had a great grandparent comment in the hospital after the birth, that the baby was so small that she hardy 'tore you a new one'!

I would have laughed if I was so terrified of peeing!

wmpdd3

Hi all

thanks for the replies! They do give some great advice, which I take and they are the first people I call at the hint of a rash it is just the unsolicited advice and the 'jokes': five days after giving birth my mother asked if I had a second one in there because I was still "fat" - five days people!!!

I had a great grandparent comment in the hospital after the birth, that the baby was so small that she hardy 'tore you a new one'!

I would have laughed if I was so terrified of peeing!

iguana

getz wrote: »

we have had the same talk about our grandchild,the mother says she should be drinking this milk or eating this food ect,not understanding that it is in the big infant food companies interest to try and sell you their product,

You understand that the OP's issue is pretty much the polar opposite of what you've described there right? She doesn't want to feed her child the food sold by those big infant food companies and it's her parents and in laws who do.

Chocolate fiend

dub_skav wrote: »

Ah, I see, your anecdotal experience is unquestionable truth.

Our baby was formula fed on a schedule, not on demand.
Obviously everybody has their own way of doing things

You said "if you are formula feeding you must stick to a feeding schedule" that is wrong. You were wrong about that, what's so hard to believe about that. You didn't say that everyone had their own way of doing things, but, that people "must" feed to a schedule.

wolfpawnat

amdublin wrote: »

It's just advice. Take it or leave it.

At the end of the day they are saying it because they care.

When you have a little baby that has you up day and night sometimes and the stresses of trying to get back in order, personally and otherwise, it can crush you.

Many of them do it out of love and are trying to help, but so many of them are just pains and some enjoy putting others down.

OP I know your pain, my MIL is a living hell at the best of times, 4 and a half years after my son was born and she is still at me about him. At first it was that I shouldn't breastfeed, it was awkward and disgusting to be getting my boobs out! Then it was that I was putting him to bed the wrong way, that the "back to back" campaign was wrong and that "there was no books in her day" forget that in the 20 years between her kids things had changed:rolleyes:

And so it continues to today, my son is not pudgey, he is a great healthy size since he eats healthy and runs a lot, but sure "there's nothing on him, look at X's child, that's a fine child" Yes, X's child is a fine something alright, a fine example of how you should actually regulate takeaway intake!!!! And I am cruel for disciplining my son with time outs when she beat her son off the four walls!

I am due no.2 in a few weeks, I am not looking forward to her "contributions" once more. I am so grateful to be on the other side of the country from her, she thinks I am going to stay with her for the first few weeks, which in one way is nice, I know she thinks that's her helping, but I couldn't. I wouldn't be allowed get myself sorted and learn to deal with having two kids and their routine.

She did have some good advice, but I can tell when she is being helpful and when she is just trying to put me down.

dub_skav

Chocolate fiend wrote: »

You said "if you are formula feeding you must stick to a feeding schedule" that is wrong. You were wrong about that, what's so hard to believe about that. You didn't say that everyone had their own way of doing things, but, that people "must" feed to a schedule.

Try reading the posts again (specifically who wrote them).

wmpdd3

wolfpawnat wrote: »

When you have a little baby that has you up day and night sometimes and the stresses of trying to get back in order, personally and otherwise, it can crush you.

Many of them do it out of love and are trying to help, but so many of them are just pains and some enjoy putting others down.

OP I know your pain, my MIL is a living hell at the best of times, 4 and a half years after my son was born and she is still at me about him. At first it was that I shouldn't breastfeed, it was awkward and disgusting to be getting my boobs out! Then it was that I was putting him to bed the wrong way, that the "back to back" campaign was wrong and that "there was no books in her day" forget that in the 20 years between her kids things had changed:rolleyes:

And so it continues to today, my son is not pudgey, he is a great healthy size since he eats healthy and runs a lot, but sure "there's nothing on him, look at X's child, that's a fine child" Yes, X's child is a fine something alright, a fine example of how you should actually regulate takeaway intake!!!! And I am cruel for disciplining my son with time outs when she beat her son off the four walls!

I am due no.2 in a few weeks, I am not looking forward to her "contributions" once more. I am so grateful to be on the other side of the country from her, she thinks I am going to stay with her for the first few weeks, which in one way is nice, I know she thinks that's her helping, but I couldn't. I wouldn't be allowed get myself sorted and learn to deal with having two kids and their routine.

She did have some good advice, but I can tell when she is being helpful and when she is just trying to put me down.

How did you manage not to have an outburst.i'm not the best at holding my tongue!

its so unfair because you have no recourse, you can hardly comment on how her marriage is going. but she feels she is helping by commenting on the most important thing in you life.

I have seen this so often in work with 3 generations clothes shopping and grandmothers making swiping statements about the mothers choices for their kids.

It will be a credit to you if your kids never pick up on the differences!

getz

getz wrote: »

because they have been there done it and bought the tea shirt,both you or your other half came out ok so why knock them

I do not read it as the OP is knocking them. I read it that the OP is getting knocked BY them and it is frustrating the OP to explosion point.

The "We did it and you turned out ok" line is one of the worst lines of "thinking" one can employ here. It makes it sound like there is one correct route to child rearing and the person saying the line feels they were the lucky ones that just happened to hit on it.

I am all for grand parents giving advice. Especially when asked - but also unasked when they feel volunteering a piece here and there might help.

Thats all great stuff. But to actively tell someone they are "doing it wrong" or to constantly labour a point because advice given has not been adopted is out of order and generally should not be done.

wolfpawnat

wmpdd3 wrote: »

How did you manage not to have an outburst.i'm not the best at holding my tongue!

its so unfair because you have no recourse, you can hardly comment on how her marriage is going. but she feels she is helping by commenting on the most important thing in you life.

I have seen this so often in work with 3 generations clothes shopping and grandmothers making swiping statements about the mothers choices for their kids.

It will be a credit to you if your kids never pick up on the differences!

She put one of the tops she had on her son in the mid eighties on my son the other day. My OH went mental, I rarely see him lose the plot, but he really freaked out. He is still mocked to this day, 25 years later for that particular top by his friends, seriously, it came up at our son's Christening 4 years ago and is still mentioned today. But she will not hear a thing against it, "it cost a bomb" as though everything expensive is automatically gorgeous, but sure I am a terrible mother trying to rear "knackers" because I get my son jean's and hoodies. Most boys jumpers these days are hoodies, and they have his favourite characters on them, I can't say no when we go into a shop and I specifically state "We are getting you new jumpers" and he walks over to Thomas the Tank Engine designs and asks nicely, "please Mommy I would like this one, it's perfect" Several times I have broken down and cried, but NEVER in front of her, I will not give her what she wants. I just brush her off, I will not stoop to her level.

But a lot of her friends are very cutting and nasty people too and take pleasure in causing rifts in the family. I just keep reminding her that she had her children, these kids our ours.

wmpdd3

Wow, you have better patients that I do. So it's endemic, a comment must be made against everything.

I am lucky with my MIL she's a dote and we don't see my FIL.

bp

Ah jayus - he wants Thomas so he is a knacker....you poor thing.

Could ugly jumper get 'lost in the wash'?

wolfpawnat

bp wrote: »

Ah jayus - he wants Thomas so he is a knacker....you poor thing.

Could ugly jumper get 'lost in the wash'?

No, it's because Thomas just so happens to be a hoodie, and hoodies are for knackers. Though she thinks those character clothes are tacky. He should be in shirts, chino's and woolen jumpers all the time :rolleyes: Sure some people have very little to bother them. And God forbid he ever wears a Clare jersey!

bp

Ha!!!! Santa should bring a Clare hoodie with Thomas on it!!! There is an idea for O'Neils's. that would really annoy her.

Little boys need to play, be messy and wear Thomas hoodies. Expensive doesn't mean nice Mrs MIL

wolfpawnat

bp wrote: »

Ha!!!! Santa should bring a Clare hoodie with Thomas on it!!! There is an idea for O'Neils's. that would really annoy her.

Little boys need to play, be messy and wear Thomas hoodies. Expensive doesn't mean nice Mrs MIL

No, but to her it seems to magically become nice if it does. Boys are boys and my guy is a right little boy, mud and all the trimmings! We really hit the ridiculous grandparents jackpot. Saw my father for the first time in 2 years Sunday, my mother has never even asked how he is, the OH's mother is mad and his father (the only same one) is passed away:(

bp

You poor thing :-(

implausible

wmpdd3 wrote: »

I'm trying to be open minded here. Imagine in 20 years time when my daughter brings home her baby .

The new rules in 2033 are:

Babies must sleep in their own room from day 1.
Babies must sleep on organic straw.
They go to bed with an iphone stuck onto their cot, with pictures of them beamed around the world while they sleep.
The baby room should be 15c.
They sleep in a vest only.
You dont ween them until 12 months.
You dont wash the baby until they are 6 months old.
You dont feed baby for the first 5 days.

OK they are a bit far fetched, but I can just hear myself saying, jesus, we never did it like that, did the PHN tell you to do that or did you read it on the internet?!

Great post wmpdd3, I try to imagine the grandmothers' points of view, this is a good one for keeping me in check.

wmpdd3 wrote: »

We visit grandparents once a week and have great fun bit what do you do if your parents are also your childcare I can't imagine.I leave my kids with my mother in law all the time but wouldn't dream of leaving them with my mum!

I could have written this! My mother-in-law sees the kids twice a week and has them for weekends e.g. weddings and then recently when we went on holidays. My own mother would have a breakdown if she had them for more than a day. Luckily, I have a 14 year old neighbour down home who I rope in if I have to leave them with her. In a way, I feel sorry for her as she just can't understand why my three year old won't jump to attention immediately when she barks at him. The two of them (my mam and my son) just fight continually and I'd say she'd give him a slap only that I'm around and she wouldn't risk it.

That said, my mother-in-law took it upon herself to toilet-train the wee man when we were away and it's been a disaster. I know she was only trying to help, but I could have swung for her.

We all know that grandparents only mean well when giving 'advice', but it's a problem when they're continually repeating it and shoving it down your throat. If I don't follow advice my mam has given me, she thinks I haven't heard her or forgot and she keeps repeating it, usually until I snap at her. And guess who's the bad guy then?!

Irishcrx

Francie Barrett wrote: »

My wife's in-laws also took it personally that we chose to breast-feed our babies rather than use formula. I get the feeling that they felt guilty because they didn't breast feed and they wanted her to use formula to remove their guilt. Selfish, but that's the way some people are.

Breast feeding can be an absolute pain (especially with a newborn and you don't see immediate benefit). Give it a few months though and you will see there is a world of difference between your baby and formula-fed babies. You'll see all the formula fed babies hocking mucus, coughing and spluttering in the colder months while your baby is in perfect health. You'll also see that your baby is more alert than formula fed babies. While formula-fed babies will be dozing in their prams, your little one will want to be up watching all around her or on the floor playing little games. Of course, this is a challenge in itself, but it's all worthwhile as you'll get to bond with your baby and the baby will of course be learning all the time.

I think society and the media has a lot to answer for. They've conditioned us into thinking that there's no harm in babies being overly pudgy and that you can't feed them enough. This isn't an attack on all formula-fed babies, but I get the feeling that some mothers would rather their children to be seen and not heard. If the baby cries out, just feed it, regardless of whether it was fed recently or not. It's easier to keep the baby docile, sleepy and fed rather than to actually engage with it.

I'm sorry but that is absolute rubbish , my 7 month old is such a happy, alert little fella. He hasn't been sick at all apart from a small eye infection, doesn't cough, splutter or sleep all the time.

Everyone makes their own decision based on what is best for them and the baby, and yes sometimes given circumstances bottle feeding can be better for everyone, it's not like we would make a bad decision on purpose for our child or do anything that would impact his health and this is from a fathers perspective.

McTigs

not getting into the breast v formula debate but to a very large extent, the older generation in ireland have got a serious mental block about it.

when we had our first my wife, who's american, said she was going to breastfeed was met with "....oh?" from my mum. She said nothing to us but we could tell she had massive reservations. We also heard back she reckoned my wife would try it for a week and then cop on and start using formula and that breastfed babies don't thrive the way formula fed babies do.

My wife breastfed exclusively for the first 6 months and the baby was never out of the 95+ percentiles. The same with our second. My mum has, in fairness, admitted she was wrong and now thinks breastfeeding is great.

It sickens me when i hear of grandparents giving their kids a hard time for breastfeeding, it's a tough path to go down especially at the beginning and support or butt out is what they need to do.

Grandparents may mean well but they need to realise their off the cuff comments can be really annoying/infuriating/damaging. One day after my mum made some remark about sun screen how she never put any on us and weren't we grand, i took her aside and asked her to think back to when she had her first child....
"were you nervous about doing the right thing?"
"Yes"
"were you confident you were making the right decisions all the time?"
"No"
"how did you feel about people picking holes in the decisions you did make?
"........."

MurdyWurdy

My mum didn't breastfeed us, not because she didn't want to but she couldn't for medical reasons. She has been very supportive of me breastfeeding even if she can't give any practical advice.

I had a visit from the lactation consultant last week and mentioned that my mum had been great. She said that was great to hear because she usually heard the opposite from new mums. She referred to a "lost generation" of breast feeders and how hard she works to combat this (she was constantly telling me during my visit that my baby was definitely getting enough milk even though I wasn't actually concerned about that per se).

So it looks like a very common problem with grandparents.