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original song

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    #2
    Rad!
    Registered Users Posts: 27 ✭Rad!


    Amazing voice, but I know you wanted to critique the song not the voice... so, I really liked it but I think it was a little bare in terms of lyrics. It needs a stronger foundation. A fantastic chorus (which it has) and a great ending (which it also has) are let down by just that minor bit of extra structure which is lacking.

    I'm still humming it, so thumbs up.


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    #3
    lannerz
    Registered Users Posts: 29 ✭lannerz


    Rad! wrote: »
    Amazing voice, but I know you wanted to critique the song not the voice... so, I really liked it but I think it was a little bare in terms of lyrics. It needs a stronger foundation. A fantastic chorus (which it has) and a great ending (which it also has) are let down by just that minor bit of extra structure which is lacking.

    I'm still humming it, so thumbs up.


    Thank you :)
    I've written more since then and I think there getting better :)
    I'll be posting them on my YouTube channel next week if you want to subscribe but if. It thanks for your time :)


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    #4
    jonnyfingers
    Registered Users Posts: 2,333 ✭✭✭jonnyfingers


    It's a good song and I agree with the previous poster that the chorus is catchy and I like the break too. However the verse melody seems a bit unsure of itself and I would say the C - E - Am chord progression is too repetitive so it might be worth changing it up a bit. Try throwing in a few F, Fm and G chords and see how they sound with the melody.

    I played along and found the chorus works quite well if you play your C - E - Am chord progression for the first two lines but then change to C - E - F - Fm for the third line and C - G - Am for the last line, then add a repeat of the last line while playing F - Fm - C to resolve it nicely. I know that finishes on a major chord instead of a minor one so might not suit what you were aiming for but I thought the lyrics worked well both ways.

    Other than that I'd suggest working on the verse melody to get it locked down. It seems at the moment like the melody is following the guitar chords rather than the guitar chords following the melody. But keep it up, you've got something good there.


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    #5
    lannerz
    Registered Users Posts: 29 ✭lannerz


    jonnyfingers wrote: »
    It's a good song and I agree with the previous poster that the chorus is catchy and I like the break too. However the verse melody seems a bit unsure of itself and I would say the C - E - Am chord progression is too repetitive so it might be worth changing it up a bit. Try throwing in a few F, Fm and G chords and see how they sound with the melody.

    I played along and found the chorus works quite well if you play your C - E - Am chord progression for the first two lines but then change to C - E - F - Fm for the third line and C - G - Am for the last line, then add a repeat of the last line while playing F - Fm - C to resolve it nicely. I know that finishes on a major chord instead of a minor one so might not suit what you were aiming for but I thought the lyrics worked well both ways.

    Other than that I'd suggest working on the verse melody to get it locked down. It seems at the moment like the melody is following the guitar chords rather than the guitar chords following the melody. But keep it up, you've got something good there.

    Thanks I'll give it a go:D


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