How do I let go of dad and his farm?

marizpan

My dad died five months ago of cancer. He was sick for about 18 mths before hand.

My husband and I bought a cottage next to him about six years ago. I would have gotten very close with him in that time. Helping run farm, do all his errands etc at he was 81 when he died.
He was separated from his wife/ my mother for 20+ yrs. they would have had little to no contact in that time and she lived in another county as did my other three siblings. The family is/was very dysfunctional !
After I bought dad to the doctor and drive him to the hospital and contacted my siblings to let them know of his illness I got ' kicked out 'of his life overnight!
My mother jumped in as career and did everything to keep me out. I could only visit him when she was gone etc.
I was so so hurt by this and still am. I felt so angry at dad for this up on till now.
Long story short- she had him change the will, took all his money by adding her name to his accounts and having the farm to go to her on the will. When he was having a better episode he changed the will and withdraw his money into a new account in his name. She had Internet banking and threatened him and he reversed his. She was a nurse, he thought he needed her.
I begged him to allow me to care for him. He wanted a nurse!

So he passed away. The farm was left to the four kids, she emptied out his savings the morning of his death !
My sister was appointed excutator and allow with my mother locked up the house so that my keys didn't work and forbid my entry into the house at the funeral. She took for herself his van, tractor , trailers, tools etc etc and I do not have even a photo from the house.
My uncle lives in a flat off the farmhouse and myself and a neighbouring cousin look after him, he is 86 yrs.

I find myself crying so much now!
I farm is to be sold and that kills me. It has been in the family for generations. I haven't been into the house to say good bye and I don't know how to move on from his ?
I miss dad so much and it would kill me to see somebody else living there and changing the place .
I don't know if we should move away to make it easier even though we love it here and have great neighbours. We don't have the money to buy the place either.
It is all so sour and hurtful. How do I let go?

Pawwed Rig

Hi Marzipan
First of all I am sorry for your loss. Having lost both my parents I can empathise with you.
I would say you should go and talk to a solicitor to see where you stand here. The distribution of assets before grant of probate is unusual and there may be evidence of duress. A solicitor can give you good advice one way or another.

boatbuilder

It sounds like you aren't being excluded from the money that will come from the sale of the house, so that is a good thing in my book.
My advice would be to step back and think of the big picture. Its only land. People are more important than land. Probably better to sell the land and split the money, especially if as you say it is a bit "dysfunctional" in your family. At least you will have money that you can use however you wish. Imagine if the land was split up between siblings - that could create all sorts of problems as firstly its usually impossible to evenly divide up land. Secondly I presume you're not all farmers so it would be pretty useless to you anyway. And thirdly there would possibly be serious pressure on each of you to not sell your portion of land in the future and possibly at a time when you really need to sell up. In my view, better to sell up now, divide the money and effectively start a new life and move on. Moving away might not be a bad option. In terms of moving on and dealing with the whole thing - remember life always changes, things move on - worst thing in life is to be hung up on something that happened in the past.

Focus on loving your husband and creating your own family and learn from the mistakes that people made in your family as you were growing up yourself. Hope it all works out for you...

marizpan

My husband and I have discussed this at length several times.

We do not wish to go the legal route as that would be more hurt/ hassle and we would prefer to move forward.

We would be slow to move as we have kids in local school and farm here also.

The problem is that while I know I need to let go, I just don't know how as it is so painful and I look out my window at the place.
We do not have contact with my sister and mother as we do not agree with their behaviour.
All my family for years have lived away and rarely visited him. I did everything for him and farmed the place with him, had dinner everyday together and looked after the house and laundry.
I miss him and the place is were my memory are of him. I was never let in to say goodbye. How do I move forward? Or will time do that?

December2012

Maybe a bereavement counsellor could help you process things better.

Until then, nothing can stop you going to your fathers grave and talking to him there, or even talking to him whenever you want wherever you are.