possible bullying experience

LegacyUser

Hello,

I'm a bit worried about my current job situation, and how to handle it. I'm the youngest member of a small team and our boss isn't very hands on and actually is rarely around, which is fantastic in one way as there is a lot of independence and flexibility (job isn't normal 9-5), but I feel this has allowed an unhealthy environment to develop as the inmates effectively run the asylum.

I'm reluctant to give too much information away so apologies if my info seems vague. My coworkers are all more senior to me in terms of length of time since qualifying but not qualifications. We are equally highly qualified and no coworker is actually "in charge" of me. I report to the boss and no one else, and I get on really well with the boss, but am uncomfortable with discussing this with them at the moment. In actual fact I'm a lot more skilled than the others are due to having spent time in several other similar places of work and being exposed to different aspects of the job, whereas they have been stuck there for years and not branched out. I'm also very well connected in the industry, was mentored by some amazing people, and fortunately have a great work ethic thanks to my previous job in a really challenging, dynamic area where everyone worked really hard because we were expected to, and hard work was rewarded and respected.

This current place is the opposite and I feel like I'm being held back whenever the others get the chance. If anything minor happens I get blamed immediately. Boring day-to-day tasks that we should be sharing have somehow (unofficially) appeared to become my sole responsibility, and I get reprimanded (often via group email) if something gets overlooked - I certainly don't mind mucking in as a team, but I've noticed that I could do 9 out of 10 "housekeeping" tasks and keep the place running well, but if I inadvertantly forget to do something minor (e.g. ordering stationery) then a really big deal is made and I'm treated like I'm lazy/slovenly/not a team player/leaving stuff for others to do, even if I've actually taken care of a multitude of other mundane tasks in addition to my actual job. As I said, none of these people have any real authority over me, and really I'm just being conscientious and helpful, and deferring to their experience in the company and the fact they're all older than me rather than anything else. I can actually handle someone directly reprimanding me (e.g. "I'm really annoyed that you didn't order x and y as we really need them"), because in that instance I could perhaps defend myself and explain the situation, but I've experienced passive aggression - often something will be said a week or two after the event, or in a condescending way in front of others who aren't even in our team.

We have certain procedures in place but it suits them to change this if it yields an excuse to give me a hard time.

Recently one member of staff had a go at me about some issues that arose while I was on annual leave and had nothing to do with me at all. I have also gotten blamed for equipment malfunctions, and on one occasion another person made a point of interrupting me in the middle of an important task to accuse me of something I didn't do. That occasion was witnessed by a person outside of our team who she dragged along with her for support.

I have had my personal space invaded while working on fiddly, technical tasks that I should have been given a wide berth for, and if I give notice that I'll be working on something for a particular length of time (e.g. I might need to access files on a particular shared computer, so will book time on it) I'll often be harangued about when I'll be done, despite a) it being written down in advance and b) me still having plenty of time left i.e. if I say I'll be done at 2pm I'll get hassled at 1.30pm about when I'll be finished. I just feel like I'm in the way and stupid and it's affecting my confidence. I also feel like I'm being watched constantly, waiting to pull me up on something.

I once received a forwarded email from the boss about a project I helped one of the others with and saw that this person had drawn attention to my contribution in an earlier email to the boss and criticised it. The email I received was relevant to me but happened to include th earlier message from this person.

Apparently some other piece of equipment malfunctioned and something I did was to blame, and if so I am more than happy to hold up my hands and accept the blame, but I'm not sure if that really is the case. I think it may have been on the blink for a while and it's convenient to blame me. This is the reason I'm posting as I feel I'm being pushed out by this constant pettiness and attempts to make out I'm not to be trusted and am incompetent. I was very upset when challenged about this and came very close to handing in my notice, but held my emotions together. I was frustrated and angry at myself for potentially giving them ammunition to have a go at me, and I'm usually conscientious about NOT giving them any excuses, but it's tiring to constantly have to double check everything and of course mistakes can occur. As I said, I've worked in more places than them and have never found this attitude before. Often I feel like I should be able to read minds as I never get a straight answer if I ask a question, and I get treated like I'm in the way.


I should point out that I'll usually get pulled up on something if I've clearly been working hard on my "proper" tasks i.e. the stuff I was hired to do, and/or if the boss praises me for any reason, or any opportunity arises for me. The examples I've given above probably seem a bit mild and even subjective (I feel like a petulant child arguing with a parent sometimes when I do interact with them), but it's constant and I'm genuinely trying to just do my job. I've never had such problems in any other place I've worked before. I've just sucked it up and not caused a fuss when anything has arisen, cos of the passive aggressive ways I'm treated. I also don;t want to seem like I can't handle criticism or am denying any perceived wrongdoing, but I'm afraid that in my efforts to be pleasant I've encouraged bullying behaviour as I haven't stood up for myself, but it's so hard to stand up for yourself in this situation where it's quite subtle.

I've done quite well in my time there and I have a feeling they may feel insecure. I'm also the 4th person to have experienced this - the other 3 have all quit and the boss is aware of two of the 3 situations, but done nothing about it, which is why I'm not ok discussing it with them right now.

Today I made an appointment to discuss this with someone in confidence (not HR) and feel better for doing so. I have also taken steps to try and do some work in another department, but this is not straightforward, I resent having to do it and I will never be 100% able to move away from this toxic environment while I still work there, so will still have to deal with these people, and I can see myself dreading even minor interactions with them if I do make a break for it within the company. I have been looking for alternative employment anyway but I don't see how I could even stick another month if I was to give notice right away.

Thanks for reading this novel if you've gotten this far. I'm worn out and not sure how to handle things really. Any advice on how to deal with the passive aggression would be really welcome.

shankespony

OP im very sorry this has happened to you and its horrible. I have been in a situation with 2 bosses and have gone all the way from complaining to directors right to the Circuit Court after an EAT, winning every time but its draining and will sap all of your energy. My advice is either stand up and sort it out with them be aggressive and confront them , thats what i should have done but i am male and both these people were bitches. Transfer within the company or leave. If you are blamed by email then reply in email or document these instances and put your case , if you feel they are wrong cc your boss in on your reply. They are jealous of your age and experience and can't handle it, doesn't sound like a healthy environment. I'm guessing you are in hospitality industry.

My advice is for the sake of your sanity and health look for something else if thats an option.

LegacyUser

Hi shankespony and thanks so much for the reply, it helped a lot. I've been dealing with this since I originally posted so held off until I had something concrete to post.

Firstly, I have been looking for something new for a while now. My contract is up for renewal shortly and so I figured I'd see out my projects, pass anything outstanding on to a (competent!) successor in a decent state and get the hell out! The only fly in the ointment there was that I first needed to approach my boss and give them a heads-up on being a reference for me. Between one thing and another they were hard to pin down and it was actually getting me down too, as I felt trapped and anxious when job-searching. Anyway, we had a chat about it, they're grand about it, and said some great things about my work which has helped me a bit (I was somewhat worried that I'd be "written off" as soon as I mentioned moving on).

Madly enough, during the conversation one of the "bullies" was mentioned, as was their general attitude. No mention was made of their antics towards me specifically. I was a bit taken aback and really uncomfortable discussing them so just acknowledged that there was a problem alright. Unfortunately, boss's solution was to work on a project with them to "try and force their hand". I sort of agreed but it has been weighing heavily on my mind ever since.

I was delighted that they were aware of a problem with this person and able to be upfront with me. This person has blocked my professional development in one area, and that's why boss wants them to liase with me (as they have some minor skills that I have yet to gain), but I actually do not trust them one bit. I also think this whole mess has stemmed from then trying to prevent me from upskilling in the first place, so it's understandable that I don't want to team up, I'd much rather be self-sufficient in my role. As an aside, they're difficult to deal with in general and it stresses me out even thinking about how to get them to follow my orders/take suggestions on board. I have no doubt that if they get their teeth stuck into any of my work it'll be criticised to death. They have form in stealing other people's ideas in the past too.

My options here are to just go along with it, but I'm really not comfortable with them having access to any of my work. If the project goes well then I really don't think they deserve to have any part in it since they were so obstructive.

Another option is to go elsewhere to upskill. I'm currently trying to find ways to do this, and it's difficult but not impossible. It may take longer and mean a bit of awkwardness if I go down this route rather than just give in and team up. However, I have several other projects on the go as well, and am working on them from a different department so I might be able to argue that if I gain these skills I can use them in these other projects too, which will negate this other person being involved. Boss was supportive when I mentioned going about this myself, but I think they'd prefer me to look closer to home first.

I've been avoiding the co-worker like the plague which is actually pretty stressful in itself! I'm not sure whether they will insist I work with them, and how long I can avoid doing this. I have been tempted to call their bluff and see how they actually get on with working on this project (I suspect they may ruin things and/or be obstructive yet again), but I feel that once we start working together, even if they wreck everything, I'm stuck with them then and will get all the negativity (criticism, bullying) without any positivity (such as taking some of the workload off me, them actually doing a good job).

It's tough but I'm also seeing a counsellor about how I'm feeling and I hope that will support me over these next few weeks. I'm a bit up and down, mainly cos I feel I have no control over how this will turn out now, and I resent the possibility of "sharing" a project I have worked hard on from the start, and built relationships with people throughout. I'm sure that might sound a bit stubborn and spiteful, but I hate the idea of someone actually benefiting from such a horrible situation

Mrs OBumble

OP, something for you to think about:

How can you help your boss to make things better?

You might like the boss to just sack all the colleagues. But that's probably not an option. So your boss has to find ways of managing all of you to make their behaviour better. Unfortunatley this is probably going to involve you having more, not less, interaction with your colleagues. I know that this is probably the last thing you want to happen. But it's something you need to consider - what options does your boss have to resolve the problems, and how can you reasonably contribute to this.

(and of course, good luck with the job hunting).

LegacyUser

That's a really good point, thanks and I'll definitely take it on board during my day-to-day interactions. I really don't want to see anyone fired! There might be some wisdom in their idea too. I think I'm just uncomfortable cos it came right out of the blue, we weren't actually discussing the issue directly and I'm a little bit annoyed at myself for at least agreeing to this without even getting something out of it (like giving me the green light for the extra training I want to do), or probing a bit further as to what to do if they obstruct things further. I do have a huge problem with them reaping any reward from this work after giving me such a hard time.

As I said, the boss mentioned "forcing the other person's hand", which sounds like they want to see how they'll react to this - making them team up with me for their own gain gets some of my stuff done but keeps them sweet if all goes swimmingly. My gut instinct is telling me they are likely to cause trouble if we do team up though, and I suppose they'll show their true colours in that case, but ah I'm just not in a good enough place to deal with any further hassle really. Just wanna get the head down and wind down outstanding work, but I accept it might be more difficult in reality. The good news is that as of next week I have something new to work on, so it's bought me a bit of time as I'll be a bit busy with that for the next few weeks anyway.

Tonight is the night a lot of cvs and cover letters will be written though!

shankespony

Hi, im sorry things are so difficult, but could be worse, i think you should call their bluff. My problem is that i was too easy going, nice guy wanted to do my job professionally and get on with people. Some people are a@@holes and my regret is i didn't nip it in the but. By the time they realised i wasn't a soft touch i had done all the legal stuff(bull****) like they tell you and i had them in an EAT then Circuit Court & won but that has been such a long road. Get what you need out of it and hell mend everyone else. The shower I worked for ruined 2 job offers and i could not sfa about it, the law is an ass so avoid it if possible. Good luck

LegacyUser

Thought I'd update this. I feel awful going to work and my confidence isn't great. I've had a stressful few weeks just doing my actual job and have managed to avoid the difficult colleague a lot. Nonetheless, any time there is interaction there's subtle digs about some minor thing or other.

I woke up feeling sick to my stomach today after the bank hol as am still very overwhelmed. I did a phone interview for a new job abroad which is great, and I'm chuffed to have been considered in the first place. As a result of my past experiences I'm of course wary of ending up in a dodgy place again, and find myself less than enthusiastic about this possible new job. I think this is as a result of my lack of confidence at the moment - I don't even trust my own instincts! So I feel very all over the place...

Regardless of new job or not, I have a lot to get through before I'm ready to leave one way or another, and just feel like I'm not progressing through it. It's like groundhog day! Maybe I feel this way as now that I've taken a big step in job hunting, I may end up leaving sooner than expected so feel a bit pressured to get as much done in a short space of time.

On to the real issue why I've posted today. Previous posts mentioned me looking to gain a specific skill that I don't yet have. Today I found out that said difficult colleague has offered to train some newer staff members on this but not me. I don't know what to think or how to act. This is particularly disturbing to me as I know my boss mentioned me getting trained to them already and it coincided with me getting a lot of grief from this person thereafter. They seem to have an issue with me progressing. It's also the same skill that I foolishly agreed to collaborate with them on, so I feel it is of utmost importance for me to be in the training loop. It's possible that my boss let slip that I'm looking for work, but that shouldn't affect anything while I'm still here. I have no intention of leaving until I absolutely have to and am committed to my work and constant progression until then.

I find it tough being assertive, but I'm tempted to just directly say I'd like to be included in this training and not give any wriggle room to fob me off. Being excluded from something in general has really frightened me if I'm honest - this badness seems to have progressed to something much more real and deliberate now and I feel very uneasy.