loss of my pen friend

LegacyUser

Regular poster going unreg and not sure where to start with this. A man I knew for over 16 years has passed away. Passed away some time ago but I only found out recently when I googled his name out of nothing more than he popped into my head the other night. He did of a heart attack at just 42. I am beside myself and I don't know what to do.

This is someone who while we may have not been in contact for a while, we were very close for years. But here's the thing, we never met, we only ever emailed each other. I'm Irish, he wasn't. We were on a message board thing and had the same birthday and somehow just got chatting. Loads in common, similar personalities, similar struggles. He was a happy person, just lived a lonely life cause of the type of job he had. He was intelligent, eloquent, literate, sardonic, sarcastic, poetic, and I suppose I loved him as much as you can someone else without actually being 'in love' with them. Always there for each other no matter who was the last to contact the other. I watched him re-develop a relationship with his estranged son, he gave me advice on how not to f*** up another potential relationship, that sort of stuff. We swapped photos of our lives through the years, the house he built, the new car I bought, the cupboard doors he was thinking of changing, the new dress I bought for my friend's wedding, new films and books out we both might like, all that sort of stuff. I can't really explain it.

He used to make jokes about how if it weren't for each other who would we have to bore to tears with all the crap we'd tell each other. Over time he met someone, I met someone, we were so happy for each other. The only 'romantic' thing he ever said was when I told him I was getting married, he said it'd take a while for him to forgive my husband for snapping me up becuase he'd never had the guts to when we were younger. I was going to be honeymooning a few hours away from where he lived and while he did offer to meet up and buy us dinner, I declined. I know this hurt him but at the time I just felt it wasn't the right thing to do, suddenly drop on my husband I'd had this secret 'penpal' all these years, and oh by the way, we're going to meet him on our honeymoon. He said he understood and that maybe our never meeting was all the better story for when we eventually wrote our memoirs.

Contact petered out then. He'd told me he'd moved in with his girlfriend and that things were so good with them and his son it was great to come full circle as it were from the two sad loners we started as, to two happy people in happy places.

But now I have this need, this urge to do something. I found out where he's buried, and I have this urge to send flowers. It's the opposite side of the country to where his family are living, and I wouldn't want to hurt anyone, but I still have this urge to physically do something to mark his passing and this huge loss I feel, however unjustified my loss is. The funny thing is, he's buried where his family originally came from, a rural and desolate place. He sent me photos of it, and said at the time he'd rather die than end up back there. The photos of the graveyard on google earth look exactly like those photos. He had such a warped and wicked sense of humour he'd be making jokes about that, so maybe the part of me that wants to send flowers to his grave wants to let him know, something, I can't even put it into words what though. That I'm thinking about him, that I'm sorry it ended up he had to die AND go back there rather than it being a choice of the two, (I'd NEVER actually write that, but I know if I did he'd get such a kick out of it he'd be high fiving me from beyond the grave )

Someone please talk me in or out of this, preferably out. I probably do deep down know I shouldn't send flowers but I'm just so sad I never got the chance to say goodbye to him. He was such a big part of my life and I'm so sad he was taken so young.

LegacyUser

I understand where you're coming from. I've got a pen friend I've never met either and I can relate to so much of what you're saying. If I found out that he'd died I know I would grieve for him every bit as much as I'd grieve my "real" friends.

As for the flowers I don't see any harm in sending them. If it is what you feel you'd like to do to give yourself some closure, then do it. Maybe be careful what you have on the label, just in case. Alternatively you could do something else to commemorate him. Like watch his favourite film, eat his favourite food etc. Or buy some flowers and scatter the petals on a river. Something symbolic to commemorate his passing. The guy is gone so putting flowers on his grave is something you are doing for you.