One Successful Sibling- One Waster Sibling

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I don't wish to sound like I am arrogant person as I am not - I just wish to have some help in dealing with my sibling who I live with.

I am mid-20's young man who is university educated, relatively stable, a little quiet and I work hard for anything I get. Everything I ever achieved (university, achievements at sport, jobs etc. - I have worked hard for.)

I have a brother who is early 20's, dropped out of school, has no job, some would probably describe him as lazy and has a sense of entitlement. Anything he has touched (sports, musical instruments, jobs- he is good with his hands) has turned to gold and he has been excellent at however he does not put any work into anything. After getting praise and reaching a plateau where he needs to put in work, he drops it - sports, music, jobs, friends everything.

I love my brother however our relationship is not great. We have always had a sibling rivalry (my parents treated him as if he was my age the whole time - he was generally bigger than I)I fear that he resents me for the success and the work ethic I have. I feel he resents my achievements because I have worked for them and he hasn't worked at all.

Anything I like - he goes out of his way to dislike. Anything he likes that I start to like - he begins to dislike.

Sorry for the long post but is there any way I can encourage him to better himself or is there a way to improve our relationship?

Is this sibling dynamic common - where one sibling is the complete opposite of the other?

Many Thanks

WumBuster

Well me and my own brother wouldnt be particularly close(only a year between us), we have different outlooks and opinions on many things its hard to find much in common sometimes. I dont think you should worry too much about it. You are both grown ups now and both are free to do whatever you please and make your own choices. You obviously disagree with his apathetic lifestyle & values and i understand where you are coming from on that. Maybe instead of challenging him on it, maybe offer him advice or encouragement as he sounds a bit lost or devoid of motivation to do anything meaningful with his life. if he's one of these people that wont listen to anyone, then you may just have to accept him the way he is, but you can try.

kob29

Take a step back and think of it this way, if you had the choice of doing life his way would you? Probably not I suspect.

You make your choices and he does things his way. The main thing is that yours is working for you long term and probably will overall continue to. His may or may not.

I doubt you can change him. To improve the relationship maybe get less involved in his life and listening to his version of life and events. Its only a competition if you play, as bloody frustrating as that is.

December2012

Stop judging him. He's not a project, he will do his own thing and you do yours. How would you feel if he was trying to get you to be more like him?

judgefudge

I'd be in a similar position but switch the ages. I'm young and sucessful (in an academic sense at least) while he's older and while very capable doesn't seem to have the drive to do anything.

Maybe it's different in my position because he's the older sibling but I wouldn't be stickin my oar in and telling him how to lead his life. Unless he specifically came to me for advice or maybe if he was visibly unhappy.

Like someone else said, he's not a project. Some people just aren't ambitious, or driven. He may turn his hand to something in the future and he may just work to get by. He's only young.

I just don't think it's really your place to encourage him, and it doesn't sound like it will improve your relationship. It seems like he's trying to distance himself from you and establish his own identity.

Calhoun

Op your forgetting something very very important and that is perspective, some people don't measure success the same way.

I see it all in the place i work, there is a regular bunch of people who are always in entry level positions with no drive to move to the next level. They leave every day on the dot and don't really put and extra effort in, the reason why is they value their home life more than work. Your brother could look at you and think wow what wasted life spent focusing on money or work ect.

No offense but your post has a strong sense of arrogance in it, even the title basically says your the special one and he is the dud. Accept him for who he is and stop holding him to your standard, your relationship could start getting better then.

Queen-Mise

Calhoun wrote: »

I see it all in the place i work, there is a regular bunch of people who are always in entry level positions with no drive to move to the next level. They leave every day on the dot and don't really put and extra effort in, the reason why is they value their home life more than work. Your brother could look at you and think wow what wasted life spent focusing on money or work ect.

This would be me - I wouldn't be bothered. I'll do what I am paid to do, and unless it is extremely unusual circumstances, I would not stay late. Work is a means to enjoy other things in my life not the aim of my life.

eirmail

Don't be so hard on yourself , I wouldn't consider you a waster.
But that brother of yours , he certainly has reached a level of success I could only dream of.

Big Bag of Chips

eirmail, please familiarise yourself with The Personal Issues Charter. We ask that replies in Personal Issues be helpful and offer advice to the OP.

fungun

id like to get on with my siblings but i dont really connect with an of them. We are just different people. Wouldnt beat yourself up over it if you dont get on with him

WildRosie

I think that sibling dynamic, as you say, is very common. My sibling and I are polar opposites in just about every way; looks, personality, confidence, sense of humour, academic interest, sporting ability...I could go on and on. But despite that, we are the best of friends. And I think it's because we appreciate and respect our differences. I don't try and make them sit down and study and they don't try and make me go to Coppers three nights a week.

I think you need to take a step back and look at your relationship and attitudes toward each other. Please remember that early 20's is still quite young and people's maturity levels at that age can be vastly different. There is also the fact that he is a younger (youngest?) child and even though you say your parents have treated you as if you were the same age, he is still younger than you biologically. I see that you are living together. Could this tension be because of this, at least partially? Perhaps if you didn't spend as much 'domestic' time together you might (both of you) be less focussed on the little things and develop a friendship.

I think the title of your thread ('One Successful Sibling- One Waster Sibling') is saddening. An individual's success can be measured in many different ways, it's not just down to your career or academic achievements, there is so much more to success than that. In my opinion, happiness and healthy, fulfilling relationships are far more important that career and educational achievement. Could he feel like he doesn't measure up to you in some way? Could you be reinforcing that?

thefeatheredcat

TwoBrosTwoTales wrote: »

I have a brother who is early 20's, dropped out of school, has no job, some would probably describe him as lazy and has a sense of entitlement. Anything he has touched (sports, musical instruments, jobs- he is good with his hands) has turned to gold and he has been excellent at however he does not put any work into anything. After getting praise and reaching a plateau where he needs to put in work, he drops it - sports, music, jobs, friends everything.

You say that he never works for anything, yet specific things he succeeds in without really having to try. I get the impression that perhaps things that he has a natural talent / ability for he has made a success at and no longer represents any sort of challenge to him once he has reached a certain point for himself hence the loss of interest. Or could be a block in being compared to you and other people and with the same expectations and pressures being put on him by himself and other people such as family. In any case, something that is not challenging anymore or where there are pressures and expectations are not likely to be great factors of motivation to keep them on. There could be any amount of issues he may have too such as continuing and finding success to be daunting with responsibilities and changes he may not be ready for or fearful of letting himself or others down and disappointing others through failure.

OP I get the impression that where he succeeds without trying you have a resentment towards your brother because for anything you succeed in, you only do so through a lot of hard work.

I think you need to realise that he is responsible for his own life, for his decisions and his behaviour. It's not really your problem what he does, but you do come across as having a problem with him about himself. Even if there is good intentions in being concerned and seeing greater potential in him than he sees in himself, that can only be encouraged if he is open to it. Otherwise it is just going to be seen negatively. If he wakes up one day and realises his life is going nowhere, or has missed out on something, or feels like he has wasted his life and wasted talent, it will be up to him to change it and do something about it. If there should be a reason he has certain realisations he will be the better for it in kicking himself if he does feel like he has wasted opportunities. He could for all you know harbour bigger dreams for himself and might be apprehensive about approaching it with himself and being open about it with others.

The best way to improve your relationship is to respect him for his decisions to drop certain things, even if he could have done better and not to look down on him as being a waster.

There was a guy I knew from school, went to primary and secondary school with.... he was very much written off as a waster in school, most especially in LC years, by teachers, except 1 who actually took time to talk with him about stuff. I've no idea since the last day of school and now years later how he fared or what he did or anything. I heard some weeks ago what he's up to now: a few years ago he started at the very bottom of a big company and worked hard. He's now in a very senior position - recently promoted too - with that same company and doing really well for himself and happy with his job. This was the same guy that was written off in school by teachers and by the principal as well as some classmates as being a waster.

Don't make that same mistake with your brother.

Boofle

I agree with other posters - the title of your thread is not very pleasant.....surely you can think of something a little nicer to call your brother other than a 'waster'?! OK, so he may not share your drive and success but he is still your brother.....

My brother has will be graduating with a first class Masters degree in the autumn, he is a talented musician and is in a band and everything he turns his hand to seems to work out for him. In comparison, I dropped out of college first time around and have been in and out of different jobs etc but we get on very well and I'm so proud of him. And I really would hope he doesn't think of me as a 'waster' just because it took me a bit longer to find my place in the world!

In my opinion all you can do is support him and give him gentle encouragement if you see something that he has a natural aptitude for.

iwantmydinner

I think the best way to improve your relationship with your brother is to relax and let him live his life. He's only a young lad yet; he'll find his way. As for encouraging him to 'better' himself - unless you think he is desperately unhappy with his lot in life and needs a hand to get out of a rut, then leave well enough alone. He'll get there himself.