Rage and denial, six months later.

LegacyUser

Frequent boards user, going unreg here.
So this is how it is. My Dad died just before Christmas after a six year illness (cancer). The last six months of his life were pretty miserable, the last two weeks were a nightmare for everybody. We had a good relationship, maybe exceptionally good, I don't really know.
I have a job where I don't get to have an 'off' day, so when I'm at work you'd never think there was anything wrong, even up to the day before I had to take time off to go to the hospital when he was dying.
When it was all over and I went back to work, everybody knew of course, but because I was in work mode, I seemed fine. This carried into everyday life too.
Now over six months have passed, and I haven't dealt with anything. I've faked feeling fine for so long, I feel like I've missed my window to really grieve.
Maybe I'm simplifying this, but I think my 'la la la everything is fine' approach has had two consequences.
1. I don't believe he's gone. I think the trauma of that final two weeks has eclipsed the reality of what happened, and I can not make myself believe it's forever. (I know it seems crazy that I can write that sentence and still not believe it, but there you are.)
2. For about six weeks now I've had episodes of absolute rage that take me by surprise. The vacuum cleaner has suffered the brunt of it, but I've also damaged my laptop and broken some cups and things. I've screamed at my dogs, telling them to leave me alone, and the fact that they're so quick to forgive makes it worse. When the rages passes I don't feel better, I feel much worse. I wouldn't hurt anybody, I believe that, but who knows what I might say if it happened when another person was around. I never had a particularly bad temper before, so maybe I never had to learn to control these outbursts.
I don't know what I'd do if that rage surfaced at work. It would be very damaging for my career, and whoever was on the receiving end. I'm starting to get a bit anxious about this.
I suppose I'm posting here to ask if anybody else has had a similar experience? Is there anything I can do to handle this furious monster that seems intent on ruining my life?

Rubberlegs

Hi there, I'm really sorry about your Dad, it's not easy:(. My Dad died just over 2 and a half years ago. He had cancer, and died 4 months after diagnosis. To be honest it happened so quickly, I still find it very shocking. Especially as he'd never been ill a day in his life. I had the "la la la this is not happening" attitude for the whole of his illness. Then I pretended he hadn't died, that he was gone on holiday, or if I passed Woodies, he was down the back rooting through stuff as he always did. Nuts, I know:o. But I know exactly what you mean.
You said you feel you have missed your time frame to grieve. I laugh to myself, because I clearly remember saying to myself a week after Dad died, that the whole experience wasn't that bad, and that I was over it, totally fine, and at peace with it. And then I hit the bottom, it's the closest I ever came to losing the plot. I cried so much I used to end up vomiting. If I was going to his grave, I'd be nearly physically sick. I went to counselling and think that it helped a lot. Would you consider it? I may be wrong, but it sounds like you are bottling up the grief. Counselling does help you, but you may have to be prepared to feel much worse before you feel any bit better. I don't really believe there is a time frame to grieve anyway. I think I will grieve for my Dad for the rest of my life. But I suppose you could say, I have much more come to terms with his death. I can still have the odd bad day, and I think of him every day without fail.
I always found the bottle bank great for the anger, I'd say somedays I could have been committed if I'd been seen:o
When I hear of people whose loved one has been sick for years before death, I really don't know how they coped all that time. It's an awful lot to deal with, for so long. You have been through a really tough time, so go easy on yourself. I hope some of what I've said makes sense to you, and is of some help...Best of luck

December2012

Hi OP,

Lost my father six months ago too. By god does it suck ass!!!

You mentioned your Dad, your dogs and your work. Have you a person, a friend, family that you can talk to?

If you don't, then a great way of being proactive about this problem would be to go and talk to a grief counsellor.

You've been in coping mode for so long, the anger needs to come out in a safe way so you don't end up with bigger problems.

von Smallhausen

Hi OP.

A bit of a sad trend here but my dad also passed away on the 28th December. His heart stopped in his sleep, and I wasn't around for days leading up to it. Nice phone call to wake up to huh! I too also have this monster hell bent on destruction and I have caused many fights with it. I have tried meditation and it would only subside the anguish for a while and walking my dog didn't really help either. Until about 2-3 months ago I had a meltdown and lets just say it wasn't pretty.

Anyway I may not be of any use to you but I feel your pain OP and I am truly sorry for your loss.

LegacyUser

Hello. Very sorry to hear your loss.
My dad died of cancer too back in 2011.
I appreciate that you are sad but to be honest being angry and emotional is largely a futile exercise in my opinion.
When my dad died I just got over it by assuring myself that there was nothing I could have or can do, he's dead and that's just the fact of the matter and I just picked up and carried on and was fine. Moping around and being emotional wasn't going to achieve anything.
But I guess my personality would be what some would call steady or perhaps "stiff upper lip" sometimes as generally I am not an overly emotional person.
Incidentally my girlfriend is very emotional and kept on about me to talk about it and asking me if I wanted to talk to a counsellor etc. I just said sure what's there to talk about? He's dead and that's just the way it is and you just move on like.

I don't know if this is any help but I was just sharing my experience. Basically my point is that you are doing yourself no favours by fretting and dwelling on it.

Bigdeadlydave

OP have you tried exercise? I've found it to be a great outlet for pent up emotions etc

LegacyUser

Hi, OP back again.
It's reassuring to read that others have tangled with the furymonster. I haven't had a visit from him in a while, maybe he's moved on.
I've been static for a while now; it's not getting easier but it's not getting harder either. I told a very close friend about what really happened the vacuum cleaner and we had a good laugh and then a fairly serious talk. I felt much better, but haven't made any decisions about unburdening on a counsellor.

It won't let me quote for some reason, so I'll do a namecheck:

73Cat, I think you and I are same kind of crazy. Great to see others have similar coping strategies!

December2012, I would agree that ass is what it sucks. I'm not the best at talking to people when there's something wrong, I'm always the one who is full of advice and wisdom for others. Usually when I have a problem I'll wait until everything has resolved itself and then I'll spill my guts about how terrible everything was but it's all fine now. I have spoken to a close friend, (see above) and it helped, so maybe I've learned something.

Danny B, I hope you're back on your feet now. I've been looking at some of the meltdown warning signs, it's something I'll have to watch. Thanks for opening my eyes to that. Don't give up on walking that dog...

Adviceman2013... eh... thanks for that. It's good to know that others can 'get over it' and just carry on. I can't, it seems. Sorry for bringing everyone down. You don't seem to understand that I don't have full control of how I feel, especially these bursts of rage.

Bigdeadlydave, my poor dogs have had their legs walked off them. I've been rowing, hiking, and generally adventuring. (An old injury prevents me from running, the one thing I'm pretty sure would make me feel better.) It's good advice though, maybe I should get more organised about exercise in general. It couldn't hurt.

Thanks again everyone. It really does help to know that others are going through some of the same things.