SD does nothing to help..

Gonzp

Hi all,

I am engaged to be married to my other half who has a daughter who will be 15 in December. My problem is while this child spends half her time here, she will never do anything to help around the house. My other half gets very annoyed when I say anything about it but it bothers me something terrible. She will basically come into the house, and sit down for hours and hours on end on a computer. She never offers to help with dinner, clean up after, hoover, nothing. It really bothers me looking at this the whole time and I just can't seem to relax when she s around because of it.. Is this right... should she be left to do what she wants without any responsibilities around the house.. I personally think its very unhealthy and is not preparing her for the real world ahead of her. I was always brought up with the idea that everyone chips in, and hard work is rewarded.. I don't know...Maybe Im wrong... Any comments would be appreciated... P.S. This child is in no way cheeky or anything like that, but then again, I wouldn't be if I could do what I wanted all the time too...

Thanks for your help....

Gonzp

Big Bag of Chips

I wouldn't know too many 14 year olds who would "offer" to help, but who would do it if asked.

Is she ever asked to help?

To be honest she doesn't sound much different to most 14 year olds

Edit: My husband's daughter is now 17, and NOW she is great around the house. Regularly offers to help (and babysit!) At 14 she would barely have spoken to us when she was here, too busy on her DS!

corklad12

To me she sounds like a normal teenager. She might even think that she's being a good because she sits down and doesn't bother anyone...

desbrook

As others have suggested 14 yr olds are not known for their willingness to help around the house. Also your fiance will naturally feel vulnerable when you criticise your SD's behaviour so will defend it.
He cannot give you no rights to say anything however and yet expect you to take responsibility for her care. Tell him you respect his right to parent her but expect him to clean up after and feed her. It may change his outlook.

Daisy M

Why does this need to be a big deal, just ask her to help tidy up after dinner and keep her room clean. Its not really your place to prepare her for the future, she has two parents who can do that and if they choose not to then you will not get any thanks for pushing the issue.

I think I would swop the bit of tidying my two teens do, if they would lose the cheek.:P

cathy80

This child seems like others her age, she is doing nothing wrong. why dont you ask for help if this is bothering you? i'm sure she doesnt even think there is a problem. dont let this get between your relationship with her as her father will be forced to take sides and i dont think you will win this one as it seems to be a problem on your part only. ask for help if she refuses then she is in the wrong but at the moment you are.

Sleepy

"Wanna earn a tenner?" is magic phrase to most 14 year old's ears.

Gonzp

I suppose I ll have to just forget about it so... Are kids not expected to help around the house anymore???
The reason I ask is that Im not sure what the thinking on this is...

Big Bag of Chips

If you want her to help, just ask!

You seem to be getting a bit defensive over this. Other people's kids can often irritate us, but being honest, this girl doesn't seem like she's all that bad.

She doesn't know what's expected of her, because nobody has told her. Surely asking her to set the table or load the dishwasher can't be that difficult, or cause that many problems?

Edit: I get the impression you're not comfortable with each other. You're not comfortable enough with her to ask her to help, and she's not comfortable enough around you to just get up and take it upon herself to do things. I'm guessing she feels a bit awkward, so prefers to just sit out of the way and not "be under your feet".

She might be there half the time, but it sounds like she's not relaxed there, and doesn't consider it "her house". The fact that your fiancé seems equally awkward about asking her to do things makes me think she feels like she visits your house, but lives with her mam.

desbrook

Gonzp wrote: »

I suppose I ll have to just forget about it so... Are kids not expected to help around the house anymore???
The reason I ask is that Im not sure what the thinking on this is...

As a separated dad with a 13 yr old son (and a 10 yr old ) I'll firmly say the answer is with the girl's dad - your fiance . You need support and to be united .

When my lads are in my girlfriend's house I leave them in no doubt that I expect helpfulness, co-operation and manners while they are there - perhaps even more than when they are just with me . They are representing me , their mam but most importantly themselves and should be proud . I recognise that it's difficult for my gf to "tell them what to do" as she isn't their parent so I make sure I do it for her . Happily the need seldom arises .

They are made feel very welcome by her I should say and she makes a fuss of them - but it's a two way street .

banbhaaifric

It is kind of hard to say one way or the other without knowing what your family set up is for getting things done around the house. Do you and your fiance share things more or less equally? Would you be just as frustrated if it were a stepson for example?

I have a daughter who has just turned 15, and with the best will in the world (she is a lovely child who is no trouble), I think even if I had a limb falling off, it simply wouldn't occur to her to offer to help around the house! They are very much wrapped up in themselves/their friends at that age, and seem to have no boredom threshold when it comes to going online. So we ask for help when it is needed, and make her responsible for things like making her own school lunch and getting her uniform/gear etc into the washing machine. I'm also slowly teaching her how to cook so she has a repetoire of recipies when she finally flies the nest.

So rather than seeing this as a frustration to you, why not see it as a way of making her feel like a more involved part of the family. Part of the 'at home' feeling we get in our family home comes from being involved in it, and this is the perfect way to solve your frustration with the lack of help and getting her more involved with the family.

Have a chat with your fiance and explain that you want her not just to be a visitor in your house and would like to involve her more. Then without making a big thing about anything ask her to help lay the table some night, or clear up after dinner. Use it as a chance to catch up on her day. Be quick with thanks when she has finished. Maybe move on to asking for help putting out the laundry, or 'would you mind giving the stairs a quick hoover while I straighten the living room?'. And again be genuine with your thanks.

Teenagers can be an infuriating mix of selfishness/self-centeredness combined with the need to still receive affirmation that they are loved and their presence is wanted.

Maybe this can open the door to a deeper relationship for you and your stepdaughter in advance of your marriage to her dad.

Best of luck!

Daisy M

Gonzp wrote: »

I suppose I ll have to just forget about it so... Are kids not expected to help around the house anymore???
The reason I ask is that Im not sure what the thinking on this is...

Yes I expect my kids to help, this is made clear to them by their dad and I, we don't play mind/guessing games and wait for them to offer. They know what's expected but it doesn't mean that they never need to be asked.
I can't see why you are making a big deal of this, when I have nieces and nephews over I often ask them to clean up after dinner or do a small job, it's never been an issue.

desbrook

Daisy M wrote: »

Yes I expect my kids to help, this is made clear to them by their dad and I, we don't play mind/guessing games and wait for them to offer. They know what's expected but it doesn't mean that they never need to be asked.
I can't see why you are making a big deal of this, when I have nieces and nephews over I often ask them to clean up after dinner or do a small job, it's never been an issue.

In fairness to the OP being the new partner of a dad is not the same as being an aunt. Very often the mother (including my ex initially) is hugely resentful and suspicious of "another woman " having any control over her child or children. Eggshells are all over the floor and the OP needs the dads support !!

banbhaaifric

Gonzp wrote: »

Hi all,

My other half gets very annoyed when I say anything about it but it bothers me something terrible.

Gonzp

BTW, it used to drive me mad when I felt my partner was communicating with my child through me.... He would often wait until she was in bed and then be full of frustration that she hadn't tidied up her toys or something. We talked about it and I explained that I felt they would never have a meaningful relationship unless they could deal normally with each other, and unless he felt like he could act in the role of stepparent around her. He (who didn't have children) explained he wasn't sure how to act in that role without sounding like he was just giving out all the time. It was stressful for us as a couple but was hugely important for all of us to figure it out.

So we took it slowly starting with things like him getting her to put her plate in the dishwasher after dinner, and now we have just a normal family life where he'll just bellow up the stairs 'bring down your laundry and get it in the machine!!'.

She said last year "X never gives out to me really, he just parents me", and that I guess was the holy grail we were striving for.

On the flip side, my daughters stepmother almost goes out of her way to make my daughter feel like a stranger/guest in her dad's house. Constantly giving out, not allowing her to put posters in her room etc.

It is hard living between two homes, two sets of rules etc. so as long as you are making her feel loved and welcome, that is half the battle - getting her to do a bit of hoovering shouldn't be a problem. But getting her to offer might mean changing the nature of teenagers the world over!!:D

Gonzp

Thanks again for the replies, to be honest one of the posters hit the nail on the head...Im afraid to say anything to her and am probably walking around on eggshells when she s here.. I just feel that its not my place to be asking her to do stuff if her parent won't if you get my meaning......Im afraid that she ll end up resenting me...Its hard to know.....

To the person who thinks that I am being defensive I will have to disaggree because I am just looking for advice on how to deal with the situation and maybe try to assess if maybe my expectations are too high as I have no experience with teenagers so don t really know what the general rule of thumb is...

who_me

I'm not surprised it's an issue. It's one thing asking/telling your own children what to do, but it's quite another with someone else's. At the same time, it's your home and have every right to run it as you choose. So the daughter is kind of halfway between a guest and your own child. Eggshells is right. And to make matters worse, dealing with the 'other mother' can be a nightmare. Someone I know well had to be "vetted" by the mother in advance of meeting any of the children, God only knows what would happen if she ever gave out to one of them.

The only thing crazy about this was you thinking she might volunteer. When I was 14, if I got rubber gloves and an apron with "World's Best Dishwasher" on it for my birthday, I'd still be thinking: "I can get away with this. They still haven't asked me to do it..."

Gonzp

I suppose ye are all right about the volunteering bit, I was different and was always helping out at home... Maybe I just need to get over the nervousness and just ask myself if I want a hand.. I honestly do think that its very unhealthy to be sitting in the one spot all day on a computer and never doing anything and before ye all say it I know that it may be typical teenage behaviour but I still think that its not right or healthy.. I think if she was out and about and doing something like playing sports or going for a swim or a walk with friends then it wouldnt bother me so much that she wasnt doing much at home...

desbrook

Gonzp wrote: »

I suppose ye are all right about the volunteering bit, I was different and was always helping out at home... Maybe I just need to get over the nervousness and just ask myself if I want a hand.. I honestly do think that its very unhealthy to be sitting in the one spot all day on a computer and never doing anything and before ye all say it I know that it may be typical teenage behaviour but I still think that its not right or healthy.. I think if she was out and about and doing something like playing sports or going for a swim or a walk with friends then it wouldnt bother me so much that she wasnt doing much at home...

What do you do to make her feel welcome and open up OP ? Do you do anything together (shopping/baking/dvds ) ? I do expect helpfulness as I said but hoovering isn't the best icebreaker !

RubyGirl

Gonzp wrote: »

I suppose ye are all right about the volunteering bit, I was different and was always helping out at home... Maybe I just need to get over the nervousness and just ask myself if I want a hand.. I honestly do think that its very unhealthy to be sitting in the one spot all day on a computer and never doing anything and before ye all say it I know that it may be typical teenage behaviour but I still think that its not right or healthy.. I think if she was out and about and doing something like playing sports or going for a swim or a walk with friends then it wouldnt bother me so much that she wasnt doing much at home...

Maybe you take the first step with her, build your relationship with her. It's summer, ask her would she like to go swimming or to lthe cinema with you. Forget about house work start by getting to know her and she'll open up.

Gonzp

I ve often asked her to come for a swim as Im a member of a gym, to go out for a walk and have brought her to the cinema and off to the beach with her friends and have had her here on my own with her friends to stay over and looked after them for the day...I bring her to school two mornings a week or three depending on what week it is also so she can stay over. I have made the effort lots...and still try although I have to say my efforts have become less as time goes on. There is only so much you can give without getting something positive in return...It just always feels strained...Myself and her Dad are expecting a baby in November and she has been involved as much as I can... I always show her things we plan on getting for the baby and ask her opinion, I tell her if the baby is moving, how big it is etc. I've invited her to scans and what not...There just never seems to be an easy relationship developing at all...

This has been going on long before I got pregnant or we moved in together... When I d visit his house and she was there she would barely speak to me...And despite my efforts it hasn't improved... I will reiterate again that she is in no way rude to me or anything like that, she s just very nonchalant towards me..

desbrook

Gonzp wrote: »

I ve often asked her to come for a swim as Im a member of a gym, to go out for a walk and have brought her to the cinema and off to the beach with her friends and have had her here on my own with her friends to stay over and looked after them for the day...I bring her to school two mornings a week or three depending on what week it is also so she can stay over. I have made the effort lots...and still try although I have to say my efforts have become less as time goes on. There is only so much you can give without getting something positive in return...It just always feels strained...Myself and her Dad are expecting a baby in November and she has been involved as much as I can... I always show her things we plan on getting for the baby and ask her opinion, I tell her if the baby is moving, how big it is etc. I've invited her to scans and what not...There just never seems to be an easy relationship developing at all...

This has been going on long before I got pregnant or we moved in together... When I d visit his house and she was there she would barely speak to me...And despite my efforts it hasn't improved... I will reiterate again that she is in no way rude to me or anything like that, she s just very nonchalant towards me..

Wow - you do make a huge effort - and for someone who is not related to you. However step- parents get a raw deal. It might be of little consolation but you haven't got the rawest of deals. Lots of parents as well as step-parents will face outright hostility from their 14yr olds when they as much as be in the same room .
Also would her mother have the same experiences with her? My hunch is she would.

RubyGirl

Oh poor u, you have tried it all. It's draining enough being pregnant in this heat without having a teenager to deal with. But you seem to want to make the connection with her, have you spoken to her Dad, maybe he can have a word or have you sat her down and trashed it out.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I think you're just going to have to "ride this out"! I'm guessing her dad doesn't get much more from her than you do. At that age I know I didn't really want to hang around with my parents!

As I mentioned before I have a step-daughter who is now 17. In the last year, she has had what we consider "a personality transplant". She has grown and matured so much. She is so helpful, happy to be included in everything etc. But 3 years ago we wouldn't have gotten a word out of her.

When they baby comes, it might actually get easier in that you can ask her to get you nappies/wipes/bibs etc.. while you are busy with the baby, or load the dishwasher etc.. To be honest, nervous as you are about asking now, you should just do it! What's the worst that will happen?... Nothing. She's not going to refuse.

She sounds like a nice girl. Not cheeky or causing you trouble. Just not interested in much, like most teenagers. She will help you if she is asked. You just have to get over your own issue with asking her.

Gonzp

I suppose ye are all right... I just wish there was a better relationship there thats all... I find it all a bit disheartening because myself and my partner never have a cross word between us... Ah Im sure it ll sort itself out eventually... Would just like a happy home environment for everyone...

December2012

It sounds like it is happy though - there's no hassle, no fighting, you interact with each other.

Bear in mind that it provavly is a bit odd for her to have a sibling arrive anyway. And the fact that this sibling will constantly live with her Dad while she doesn't live with both parents might be subconsciously on her mind.

Gonzp

Ya, Im sure you are right that she might find the fact that we are having a baby a bit strange... Im fully aware of that...

When I say a happy home, I just feel that there is still a distance between us and that she isn't particularly warming towards me... As I said, she is just a bit nonchalant towards me...
Thanks everyone for their two cents on the subject... I'm going to stop worrying about the helping out bit as everyone says, she is just a normal teenager...As I said, I didnt really have any experience of teenagers bar being one once so hence the reason for the thread:).. from what I can gather from peoples responses, my own child will more than likely be the same....

Big Bag of Chips

You could probably bet your last cent on that Gonzp

I would have felt much like you toward my stepdaughter for a long time, still do. There is still a slight awkwardness between us. It's not a natural relationship. I am very very fond of her, and I think she is of me! But we don't have a close relationship.

Although - the other day we told her she'd be becoming a big sister again, and she was delighted. She told me that I'm great with kids, and that I was always really good to her when she was little.

So there you go... You mightn't feel like there's any special "bond" or closeness, but once you're nice to her, once you don't make her feel uncomfortable (even if you feel it ) she will be a happy girl.

Good luck with the baby - you'll be doing all this all over again in another 14 years

desbrook

Take the age when you first met the child and halve it - that's how many years it takes for them to just accept you - the liking or bonding bit is an added bonus :-/

Gonzp

Ah another four years to go then so :P,