Relationships that develop from being friends first

squirestarter

Have u ever had a relationship with a girl where you have been friends with her a good period first, a few months at least?

Do you think these can be the best type of relationships? I mean you admire everything in them that you would in a friend and also have the physical attraction...

Anybody have any experience of getting together with a friend? Most of my relationships have come from meeting women in different scenarios, i.e through friends or on nights out so would be good to get a perspective on this

If things don't work out id imagine its almost impossible to go back to being friends again, at least in the same way

knucklehead6

squirestarter wrote: »

Have u ever had a relationship with a girl where you have been friends with her a good period first, a few months at least?

Do you think these can be the best type of relationships? I mean you admire everything in them that you would in a friend and also have the physical attraction...

Anybody have any experience of getting together with a friend? Most of my relationships have come from meeting women in different scenarios, i.e through friends or on nights out so would be good to get a perspective on this

If things don't work out id imagine its almost impossible to go back to being friends again, at least in the same way

i'd say it'd be better to be acquaintances first, rather than friends..

More than casual acquaintances, as in you know each other well enough to have a nice casual conversation every time you see each other, but not hanging out every weekend. That would be about the only way i could see it working...

Pepe LeFrits

Two of my best mates were friends with their OHs for a long time before they got together. Seems to work for them. Mate #1 was friends with herself for 6 years, now they're together 5+ years and are getting married. In their case I think they always fancied each other, she was just in a relationship for ages.

Mate #2 was friends with herself for I dunno, maybe 3 years, and are together 3 years now and living together. He had to work hard to turn that one into more than friendship.

OldBean

Myself and my partner were the best of friends before I asked her out. And of course I fancied the arse off of her. I finally got the courage to ask her out, and she said no. Then thought about it. Two years later and we've our own place together and couldn't be happier or without each other. And we're still best friends.

squirestarter

He had to work hard to turn that one into more than friendship.[/QUOTE]

See i think this is the issue

Its hard to know with a friend when to give up (i.e. because they are just not going to be interested in taking it to that level) or to just keep going and "working hard" at it

squirestarter

OldBean wrote: »

Myself and my partner were the best of friends before I asked her out. And of course I fancied the arse off of her. I finally got the courage to ask her out, and she said no. Then thought about it. Two years later and we've our own place together and couldn't be happier or without each other. And we're still best friends.

Thats fantastic, great to hear its possible

Did she ever say why she said no in the first place?

OldBean

squirestarter wrote: »

Thats fantastic, great to hear its possible

Did she ever say why she said no in the first place?

She'd recently gone through a hard time, and felt that if it didn't work, we wouldn't have been friends anymore. After sleeping on it, she thought it made sense to give it a go. Thankfully.

karaokeman

Known a few people who went from friends to partners.

I guess it depends how much each party puts into that relationship, and how much each expects from it, because otherwise one of the two is bound to get hurt.

However if it didn't work out, you'd need a really good reason to justify any potential breakup being amicable to remain friends.

Jogathon

I tried it with my best male friend...it was just a case of why are we friends? We've holidayed together, just the two of us, and would head out on our own together so people often thought we were a couple. And it was totally weird, he actually ended it (after a few dates), and I was relieved because i didnt want to hurt him. It was strange for a while but now (6 months later) we're back to normal.

Sometimes I wish he hadn't seen me nudie, but sod it... I glad we tried it too. It means we'll never be wondering what if! And he gives the best advice when I have boy trouble, how could I be without that!!

Randy Shafter

OP, I'm currently in a relationship that started off as us just being friends. We knew each other as friends for about 8 years then we started hanging out more and our friendship developed into something more. We've been together as a couple for nearly 5 years now and it's still going strong.

Pug160

squirestarter wrote: »

Have u ever had a relationship with a girl where you have been friends with her a good period first, a few months at least?

Do you think these can be the best type of relationships? I mean you admire everything in them that you would in a friend and also have the physical attraction...

Anybody have any experience of getting together with a friend? Most of my relationships have come from meeting women in different scenarios, i.e through friends or on nights out so would be good to get a perspective on this

If things don't work out id imagine its almost impossible to go back to being friends again, at least in the same way

Actually, that's not always the case. Sometimes there is no real physical attraction, but feelings develop over time. It's apparently more common for women to behave this way but some men have claimed that they started to develop romantic feelings for women they didn't find attractive initially as well. In my opinion, it's one of the reasons you'll sometimes see a man who appears to be punching well above his weight. Status and money etc can be other reasons of course but sometimes it's just the fact that the guy has attracted her over time.

I think having compatible personalities and things in common is a far better foundation for a relationship than just lust. That's common sense. But some people don't want to listen to that and then they wonder why it failed.

squirestarter

Pug160 wrote: »

Actually, that's not always the case. Sometimes there is no real physical attraction, but feelings develop over time. It's apparently more common for women to behave this way but some men have claimed that they started to develop romantic feelings for women they didn't find attractive initially as well. In my opinion, it's one of the reasons you'll sometimes see a man who appears to be punching well above his weight. Status and money etc can be other reasons of course but sometimes it's just the fact that the guy has attracted her over time.

I think having compatible personalities and things in common is a far better foundation for a relationship than just lust. That's common sense. But some people don't want to listen to that and then they wonder why it failed.

I completely agree with everything you say here. I suppose when referring to physical attraction i was just talking about the case where one of the parties (the one who initially decides to pursue a relationship) is the one who is physically attracted. Often the other did not consider the possibility of a relationship with their friend because they did not have a strong physical attraction at the start

As you say though, women particularly can develop this physical attraction over time whereas its less common for a man to.

One of the main points of the thread is whether these type of relationships are the best type.

In some ways i think they are because they are built on quite a solid foundation (for some of the reasons u mentioned) and then later on when the honeymoon lust period is over, the friendship is what is key in holding the relationship together

CastorTroy

How would you go about asking a friend out though? Like I go to lunch or gigs with a friend so what would be the difference between that and going out on a date?

squirestarter

CastorTroy wrote: »

How would you go about asking a friend out though? Like I go to lunch or gigs with a friend so what would be the difference between that and going out on a date?

You and the friend agree that its a date?!

I guess though that the one who is pursuing has to just find a way to bring up the topic of potentially taking things further (I know this is such a difficult and risky thing to do obviously)

Daisy78

Hmmm you might want to tread carefullly there...I think this idea of women developing physical attraction to their male friends over time is a bit of a myth actually. I have male friends who I value dearly but could never imagine devloping a physical attraction to purely on the basis of suggestion on his part. Surely if there is mutual attraction there she will drop plenty of hints to help the process along? I certainly wouldn't like to be "worked on" in that regard either. I do think that there are women who maybe see the benefits of settling down with a friend though. You know what you are getting even if it is a trade off...a partnership and security for sexual attraction.

Pug160

Daisy78 wrote: »

Hmmm you might want to tread carefullly there...I think this idea of women developing physical attraction to their male friends over time is a bit of a myth actually. I have male friends who I value dearly but could never imagine devloping a physical attraction to purely on the basis of suggestion on his part. Surely if there is mutual attraction there she will drop plenty of hints to help the process along? I certainly wouldn't like to be "worked on" in that regard either. I do think that there are women who maybe see the benefits of settling down with a friend though. You know what you are getting even if it is a trade off...a partnership and security for sexual attraction.

It's not physical attraction, it's romantic interest. Big difference. Physical attraction is seeing a man or woman across the street or in a bar and imagining sleeping with them or simply finding them very pleasing to look at. Romantic interest is developing feelings for someone over time. It's not a myth as it happens a lot, although that's not to say there are no women who place a very big emphasis on looks - I'm sure there are. But with some women personality does seem to attract them and the man only needs to meet her minimum requirements in terms of looks if she becomes interested romantically. That usually means not being a fat slob, having decent teeth and looking reasonably healthy overall.

Maybe some women have gone for looks and it has continuously failed because there was no chemistry and they didn't have much in common. I hear women mention the word ''spark'' a lot. So in some cases women might change their preferences and go for a more well rounded man. Let's be honest here, most of us probably know at least one guy who is going out with a woman who is a fair bit better looking than he is. In some cases she might just fancy unconventional guys but more often than not he has grown on her over time.

karaokeman

Pug160 wrote: »

It's not physical attraction, it's romantic interest. Big difference. Physical attraction is seeing a man or woman across the street or in a bar and imagining sleeping with them or simply finding them very pleasing to look at.

I would call that lust, there is a huge difference between the two as you said, but the main thing (I think) is that anyone can develop physical attraction for another person, but romantic interest requires reciprocation. Its very easy to become attracted to someone, but if you have no chemistry with them, nothing will develop from there. Looks are nothing if you don't connect with a person, that's why I think men and women should be wary of whether they have this with the object of their affections.

Overall I agree with everything you have said.

Daisy78

There is huge difference between the two....your right there. Both surely both are important factors in a relationship. I certainly wouldn't want to start something with a guy on the basis of physical attraction alone...and if I did id have nobody to blame but myself if it did fail.But the thing is its the whole package that attracts ...the looks, the sex appeal, the sense of humour, the intelligence, the stuff he does in his spare time, his values, his kindness. It's no different for women...we want it all too. I could see how you could develop feelings something akin to romance with a guy, which on the basis of a solid friendship could prove to be a winning combination. But happens when you ...ahem need to become intimate? How do you get past the lack of physical/sexual attraction even if all of the other factors are accounted for? Just my perspective on it....

Pug160

Daisy78 wrote: »

There is huge difference between the two....your right there. Both surely both are important factors in a relationship. I certainly wouldn't want to start something with a guy on the basis of physical attraction alone...and if I did id have nobody to blame but myself if it did fail.But the thing is its the whole package that attracts ...the looks, the sex appeal, the sense of humour, the intelligence, the stuff he does in his spare time, his values, his kindness. It's no different for women...we want it all too. I could see how you could develop feelings something akin to romance with a guy, which on the basis of a solid friendship could prove to be a winning combination. But happens when you ...ahem need to become intimate? How do you get past the lack of physical/sexual attraction even if all of the other factors are accounted for? Just my perspective on it....

There are different levels of physical attraction. After that there is indifference and after that you simply don't find the person handsome/attractive whatsoever. There are people who you'd probably look at and want to rip their shirts off then and there. Then there people who are ''cute''. Then there are people who are so-so. You don't find them particularly attractive or handsome but you certainly aren't repulsed either. What we're talking about here I think are the so-so or indifferent guys. I doubt even women who put a lot of emphasis on personality would develop physical attraction for someone they found repulsive. That's where the minimum requirement comes in I gather

It sounds like you can't relate. But I can, yet I've never been in the situation, so maybe you're just not thinking this through properly? Maybe some other people with experience of this can enlighten us better? I'll take a shot at it myself and say that some women (and men too) somehow become physically attracted to these so-so guys whenever their feelings for them start to become stronger. Maybe it's almost like a little trick the brain plays? Some people get turned on more than others by their emotions. I know it's probably a bit of a cliche, but I do think there's an element of truth to the school of thought that women are more emotional than men. Now I realise it's far more complicated than that but it's all fairly logical once you think outside the box (in relation to your own way of thinking).

You're just one person out of billions of people. Maybe one of these so-so guys wouldn't have a chance with you, regardless of spark and common interests. Or maybe you just like the fantasy of a man who has it all and have a one track mind right now?

Meangadh

They make for wonderful relationships.

And awful break ups.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

My last relationship was with my best friend of 3 years. When we became friends there was absolutely no sexual attraction there on either sides. I wasnt his type and he certainly wasnt mine.

I had been sexually assaulted when I was 17 and found it very hard to be around guys, so at least with him I felt safe with him because I knew he wasn't attracted to me and he had a girlfriend.

This went on for about three years, and I guess in the last year, I became really attracted to him, his personality, everything about him. I adored him, and he would frequently tell me how awesome I was, how I wasnt like most girls, ect. He was definitely my best friend.

When we decided to be more than friends, I had many many trust issues and he got that, from knowing my history, without me needing to explain myself or worry about him thinking I was a freak.

He was the first of two guys I've ever felt safe with, and even though we don't talk anymore, he definitely helped me overcome a lot of my inhibitions, ones I don't think I'd have been able to talk about with someone I only knew casually.

We ended things after about a year, for a stupid reason, but continued to meet for maybe another two and a half, as "just friends".

We have a weird relationship. I feel like I've lost my bestest friend that I've ever had and no matter how hard we try we can't get it back to how it was. I don't love him anymore, but there's something there that draws me back to him when I feel like I have nobody else.

And no matter how mad he is at me, or on however a sour note we ended the last meeting on, he's the only person who truly has my back and although I don't think he likes me very much anymore, I know he still cares about me.

Since we ended our relationship, it ruined everything. We both bring out the worst in each other and we fight all the time, and we never used to fight. I do regret ever getting involved with him because, I lost the bestest friend in the whole world, and it wasnt worth it. It wasnt all bad though, being with him made me feel safe, and happy and completely loved and I hope that means that I won't be as messed up for future relationships as I was for that one.

I hope he ends up with a nice girl because despite his faults, deep down he's an amazing person, and I wish I could just have my friend back.

Pepe LeFrits

aw

seachto7

Is lust not always needed? Dont you want to see her each time and want to rip the clothes off her. Being friends on top of that is a bonus...

claypigeon777

squirestarter wrote: »

Have u ever had a relationship with a girl where you have been friends with her a good period first, a few months at least?

Do you think these can be the best type of relationships? I mean you admire everything in them that you would in a friend and also have the physical attraction...

Anybody have any experience of getting together with a friend? Most of my relationships have come from meeting women in different scenarios, i.e through friends or on nights out so would be good to get a perspective on this

If things don't work out id imagine its almost impossible to go back to being friends again, at least in the same way

Becoming "friends" with her first is not always a good idea and may be more trouble that it is worth.

When you decide the time has come to turn on the romance having first established a friendship, she might feel with justification that the whole time you were friends you were simply pretending and may not take kindly to being manipulated. Revealing that you fancied her all along may come across as a betrayal on her part and she might distrust you and think you are a creep.

While you are waiting to spring your trap so to speak chances are some other guy with more confidence will not bother to go through a "friends" phase and will go straight for a romantic approach and sweep her off her feet leaving you feeling like a fool.

If you fancy a woman why wait first and play a silly game? Strike while the iron is hot.:)

You might find out have wasting time, effort and attention that she was never interested in you romantically at all and you could have better spent your energy on someone else.

beks101

seachto7 wrote: »

Is lust not always needed? Dont you want to see her each time and want to rip the clothes off her.

It's different for everyone I guess, but as a woman I don't think I've ever had someone 'grow' on me from a point where I wasn't physically attracted and sexually interested to wanting to rip his clothes off.

With pretty much all of my exes, I knew within five minutes of talking to them that I wanted to sleep with them - a combination of liking what I saw, liking what I heard and that elusive chemistry thing. Any guy who didnt fall into that category of, to be crass, "would", stayed in strictly platonic friend territory and no switch ever flipped in my brain that suddenly made anything more than friendship desirable.

I think sex changes everything really. I dated a mate not so long ago with strong feelings that were really there from the start for me, but we maintained a friendship for months before anything happened as I was in another relationship at the time. It ended horribly and we've given each other a wide berth since, I don't think any kind of friendship will ever be possible again.

So I won't be going there again. Friendship isn't something I take lightly at all & I don't think I'd be willing to jeopardize it like that again.

seachto7

That's what I meant. Before you ever talk to them, you should be physically attracted to them. I don't see how it can develop...

karaokeman

So I take it there is a general consensus that both parties must be attracted from the moment they first make contact.

What if both the man and the woman are afraid of making the first move, and they become friends first because of that?

seachto7

Well, that's a different thing. They're still attracted to each other.

OldBean

karaokeman wrote: »

What if both the man and the woman are afraid of making the first move, and they become friends first because of that?

Either one of them gets the courage to ask, or it fizzles out.

Pug160

claypigeon777 wrote: »

Becoming "friends" with her first is not always a good idea and may be more trouble that it is worth.

When you decide the time has come to turn on the romance having first established a friendship, she might feel with justification that the whole time you were friends you were simply pretending and may not take kindly to being manipulated. Revealing that you fancied her all along may come across as a betrayal on her part and she might distrust you and think you are a creep.

While you are waiting to spring your trap so to speak chances are some other guy with more confidence will not bother to go through a "friends" phase and will go straight for a romantic approach and sweep her off her feet leaving you feeling like a fool.

If you fancy a woman why wait first and play a silly game? Strike while the iron is hot.:)

You might find out have wasting time, effort and attention that she was never interested in you romantically at all and you could have better spent your energy on someone else.

It's not always like that though. Sometimes things do genuinely develop. We're all individuals with different experiences and outlooks, so sometimes we can't really understand certain things. I can personally see the logic in how a person might grow on someone, but I'm not sure if it would happen to be because I haven't experienced it myself. I think it's always best to keep an open mind though.

shinesun

The attraction can def grow and you can develop an amazing chemistry with someone which in turn makes them great lovers and you want nothing more than to rip their clothes off every time you see them.

Of course, there are instances when you are both attracted to each other immediately.

Also, it can happen that you are attracted to someone, kiss them and that attraction is gone straight away.

Looks are nothing if there is nothing behind them. You do need to have some sort of connection.

I do think this can be developed from being friends first. Although I think it would be very awkward if it did not work out for whatever reason.

MOC88

shinesun wrote: »

The attraction can def grow and you can develop an amazing chemistry with someone which in turn makes them great lovers and you want nothing more than to rip their clothes off every time you see them.

Of course, there are instances when you are both attracted to each other immediately.

Also, it can happen that you are attracted to someone, kiss them and that attraction is gone straight away.

Looks are nothing if there is nothing behind them. You do need to have some sort of connection.

I do think this can be developed from being friends first. Although I think it would be very awkward if it did not work out for whatever reason.

No fap challenge week 1

Adolescenteen

seachto7 wrote: »

That's what I meant. Before you ever talk to them, you should be physically attracted to them. I don't see how it can develop...

It can though, in my own personal experience at least. I remember meeting this girl and my first impression of her was 'meh'. She seemed nice, but I could never saw myself finding her attractive.

However, down the line, we started hanging out a lot, and she was just this amazing, sweet, caring and downright awesome girl. I've never, and I still haven't, met anyone like her. Over time I developed romantic feelings for her, but she became more and more attractive. Now when I see her I think she's the most beautiful woman in the world, and if I got the chance, I'd love to rip the clothes off her! :P

In relation to the title of the post, we became best friends, and I fell head over in heels in love, I still really haven't completely gotten over her being truthful. It hasn't worked out for me, even though I'm convinced she had some feelings for me, she went for a guy she had been chasing for months before I had even met her. It broke my heart, but I don't regret taking the risk, because I want to be able to call my girlfriend my best-friend as well.

karaokeman

I am definitely of the opinion feelings can grow over time, I have met many girls who I thought "meh" at first, and was crazy about them later on. Then there are other girls I thought were stunning when I met them on nights out, but later thought they were average. I'm sure many women feel the same way, but for me I just need to get to know someone before I know if I'd like to sleep with them, and sometimes I can't even tell if I've only spoken to them for 5 mins.

I have a good female friend, and she told me from a female perspective she doesn't think there is such a thing as a "friend zone". Now we are only friends, but she gave me that advice when I was talking to her about a girl I like, and part of me was worried I might have been in the friend zone.

Its a phrase that's thrown around to either force shy guys to bite the bullet or get over rejection. Some like to get to know the person first, others prefer to hit it off from their first meeting and have low expectations if the other party doesn't quite have his game on that first time around.

Wibbs

I've certainly seen friends into lovers in older couples(beyond say 30), but rarely enough, in my circle/life anyway.

Like Pug160 said though, people differ. EG I've never had a woman "grow on me" the way some folks are describing. Yes I've become more attracted to someone over time because I got to know them, but right from the start I'd have found them physically attractive. It was always a case of "oh she's cute/sexy/pretty, I wonder what else she's got going for her?". Personality and compatibility is vitally important and if they failed that test(or I did), then any interest would fizzle out, but that stuff never came first for me. I've had "wow" turn into "meh" alright, but never had "meh" turn into "wow". So in my case I've certainly, to coin a phrase "friendzoned" women.

jaffacakesyum

Hasn't happened to me but a lot of couples I know who are together years, first were friends. Some were completely platonic friends for 10 years before developing feelings for each other. It's not just romantic though, yes they develop feelings for them in that way but they also develop physical attraction that wasn't there from the start for whatever reason.