Crying it out

Lockedout

Has anybody tried this? We have a 15 month old. Used to sleep in Cot but after a trip away made it into our bed. Because of family bereavement -he has stayed there for three months. We get him to sleep in a single bed but eventually on third cry we usually move him. He just wont go back to sleep unless one of us is lying with him.

My wife is ill and as a result Im doing all the night shifts. I find it very hard to sleep with him in bed as he snuggles right up to me!! Scrathes me a bit.

So Im tempted to try crying it out.

bp

We started crying it out at 8 weeks, possibly too young but we were wrecked holding him.

Anyways the first night is hell and requires two parents to keep each other strong. So five minutes of crying, go up, comfort but don't talk or pick him up. The. Ten minutes, fifteen and so on. We didn't go to the 25 minute intervals we did 15 minutes. He goes to sleep now no hassle at night and never with us.

It's hard and may not be for everyone but worked for us.

lazygal

We did a modified version of crying it out from about five months. Took two weeks of trying it and baby has slept through ever since.


I might be misreading something but is your 15 month old in a bed? My lass is in or around that age but still in her cot. I feel they need the security of a cot at that age. I would start the child off in their cot, leave to cry for a few minutes, in and settle them, leave again, and repeat as needed. It usually only takes a few nights for the routine to work, especially when you know they aren't waking from hunger but habit.

Lockedout

lazygal wrote: »

We did a modified version of crying it out from about five months. Took two weeks of trying it and baby has slept through ever since.


I might be misreading something but is your 15 month old in a bed? My lass is in or around that age but still in her cot. I feel they need the security of a cot at that age. I would start the child off in their cot, leave to cry for a few minutes, in and settle them, leave again, and repeat as needed. It usually only takes a few nights for the routine to work, especially when you know they aren't waking from hunger but habit.

In a bed which is blocked two sides but Im still nervous about him getting out at end. At least in a cot you know four sides covered.

lazygal

I'd have him in his cot. At least he can't get out while he's unsettled.

bp

Ps my brother has a little one about the same age and they were having similar issues. He took the gentle approach - letting babba fall asleep beside him, then after a few nights leaving a hand in the cot just touching the baby, then just being in the same room as him for a few nights and then leaving the room and letting him fall asleep.

It took a few weeks but it worked

Hobbitfeet

This can be a very emotive issue. Personally I would never leave a child, no matter what age, to cry by themselves. From reading responses of people who have done CIO you need to leave them every night sometimes it takes weeks and this to me is so cruel.

We were all shocked at the footage from prime time especially of the boy who was left to sit on a chair, facing the fridge I think, to cry for an extended period. How is doing this any different to doing CIO at home? I would not leave my partner crying in a room by himself, nor would I leave any other adult so why do it to a child.

Seems like your family has had a bit of a tough time lately and that can't be easy on any of you, throw in lack of sleep and its even harder. You could also look up the no cry sleep solution it's a more gentle method. In the end you are the parent and its your decision how you raise your child but i would urge you to look at some of the research which has been done and showed the serious negative effects on CIO.

Hope it all settles for you soon and you all get some sleep

tony1980

Our fella is 19 months and we have him in a single bed for the last 4 months. We found the crying out technique very tough as he used to get sick only about 3 or 4 minutes in which of course stopped us from trying to carry on doing that. All babies are different of course and if he hadn't have got sick each time we tried it, we would have carried on.

Anyway, we tried our bed for awhile as we were desperate for sleep, worked a little but he started to think it was play time as mammy and daddy were in the bed. Then we gave the single bed a go, its very low to the ground, has 2 guards on the side and one at the end, there is a little gap to get out of at the end. There is also a big quilt on the ground next to it. He started sleeping much better, he wakes once a night for some water and goes off again. Its very rare he wakes more than that so we are delighted! I would say it will be a case of trial and error to see what will work for you, I feel your pain

Suucee

Any time our now 15 month old has been unwell she wakes during the night . Then when she is better she continues to do this out of habbit. What we do is put her in cot, read a story and leave.
She then starts to whinge so we go up but don't go in to her, Stay out of sight and just say "SHHHH, go asleep"
I normally would stay in our room (she has her own room) rather than go up and down the stairs and if she starts to whinge I would continue to say "its ok A, go asleep" I wont leave her cry, if she starts to proper cry I will go in to her.
If she wakes during the night for the first night I would go in tell her its ok and leave, I would then tell her from my room its ok go asleep if she continues but go in to her again if she is proper crying. (sometimes its handy to leave the doors open so she can hear us.
The second night I wont go in, just from my room tell her its ok go asleep.
Third night same as second night that's if she even wakes. And then she is normally back to normal.

She is normally a very good sleeper but if she was unwell or teething particularly bad or had an injection (thankfully they are done now) she would wake a night. Obviously if she is unwell or teething it is completely different but normally she continues to wake even when she is better and we do the above.
Ive noticed lately also that she was waking with thirst so now when I am going to bed I pop a beaker (non spill) down at the bottom of her cot and that sorted that problem.

My friend had to resort to the crying it out technique though as her daughter at 14 months had never gone to bed alone. It worked for them but she said it broke her heart, Her partner was stronger so she had to go for a walk after their daughter was put to bed so she wouldn't hear all the crying. She said it only took approx. 5 nights but was tough.

Oral Slang

Wouldn't do cry it out here. It can affect the long term emotional state of someone, be it as an older child or an adult - basically they stop crying because they know no one will respond if they cry, rather than peoples belief that they are self soothing. There are much gentler approaches out there - the no cry sleep solution,I also think Dr Sears has a version too.

My little one falls asleep with us too, but in the last week has finally started to sleep through - she's 21 months. We get her asleep on the double bed & then move her into her cot. It's all about being close to mammy or daddy rather than acting up or misbehaving, she keeps putting her hand out to check we are there for reassurance, so the last thing she'd need is for us to abandon her & leave her cry her self to sleep. Now that's she's sleeping through, we can now start tackling how she falls asleep. I'm due baby number 2 in November, so would like to have her falling asleep a bit quicker & more independently before that happens in case my other half isn't here & I can't go up to bed with her.

taxus_baccata

Couldn't do it. 1.I imagine that if I was left bawling, shaking and heartbroken I might never recover, 2. Babies have very limited knowledge of the world - if we show them that no one comes when they are crying and upset what sort of example is that? Then we have to run campaigns like reach out etc to try and get our teenagers to open up about their problems.

I go with my gut on a lot of things: if it's too hard to listen to a baby crying, you shouldn't let the baby cry.

I second the no cry sleep solution by Elizabeth pantly. Also bed rails. Maybe you find it hard to sleep with baba as you are subconsciously worried that he'll roll out. What about a toddler bed in your room on the floor? Paul Mc kenna has a book on co-sleeping and it's safety and above all its benefits for parent and child. I wish you luck op, but these days will pass children learn to sleep alone when they are developmentally ready x

bp

With crying it out you don't leave them screaming, well we didn't anyway, just chatting away to themselves.

As soon as our little one showed distress we were up stairs in a flash. There was no bawling or tears and we couldn't have a happier or smilier child.

I think it depends on the child too. The other night I heard the baby talking at four thirty in the morning - chatted for 30 mins and then went back to sleep.

What works for one mightn't work for the other though

lazygal

We never let our child get distressed, we didn't need to let her cry for long before going into her. There's no one set way of crying it out and ours didn't involve making our child very upset.

Ms2011

Yeah we did the reassuring after 2mins, 4 mins, 6mins etc. usually by a hand on the chest or putting his soother back in. In the begining I'd sit in the next room but as he got more accustomed to going asleep himself I'd go downstairs.
We only ever picked him up if he became distressed.
In hindsight I'm so glad we did teach him to self sooth, he's just gone to bed now after a bath, story & bottle, I can hear him chatting away but he'll be asleep in about 10mins & myself & my OH will have some time to ourselves to unwind with a DVD & chinese :-)

Borboletinha

taxus_baccata wrote: »

Couldn't do it. 1.I imagine that if I was left bawling, shaking and heartbroken I might never recover, 2. Babies have very limited knowledge of the world - if we show them that no one comes when they are crying and upset what sort of example is that? Then we have to run campaigns like reach out etc to try and get our teenagers to open up about their problems.

I go with my gut on a lot of things: if it's too hard to listen to a baby crying, you shouldn't let the baby cry.

I second the no cry sleep solution by Elizabeth pantly. Also bed rails. Maybe you find it hard to sleep with baba as you are subconsciously worried that he'll roll out. What about a toddler bed in your room on the floor? Paul Mc kenna has a book on co-sleeping and it's safety and above all its benefits for parent and child. I wish you luck op, but these days will pass children learn to sleep alone when they are developmentally ready x

Sometimes developmentally ready never happens. I was allowed sleep on my parents bed and spent my whole childhood trying to sneak in there whenever I had the chance. Always hated sleeping on my own. Now I have a 2 year old who I never had the heart to let cry it out so she's still sleeping with her cot glued on our bed (only way we found to at least have space in the bed as she's too big). She has her own bedroom and I feel really guilty that she is still sleeping with us and terrified she's gonna end up like me as a child begging my mum to not let me sleep on my own my whole childhood(I'm serious! )
If you have the strength to let your child cry it out do it. I'm living proof sharing a bed does not work.

missis aggie

Borboletinha wrote: »

Sometimes developmentally ready never happens. I was allowed sleep on my parents bed and spent my whole childhood trying to sneak in there whenever I had the chance. Always hated sleeping on my own. Now I have a 2 year old who I never had the heart to let cry it out so she's still sleeping with her cot glued on our bed (only way we found to at least have space in the bed as she's too big). She has her own bedroom and I feel really guilty that she is still sleeping with us and terrified she's gonna end up like me as a child begging my mum to not let me sleep on my own my whole childhood(I'm serious! )
If you have the strength to let your child cry it out do it. I'm living proof sharing a bed does not work.

I disagree, my first daughter was in bed with us whenever she wanted/needed. She usually slept in her cot in our bedroom. When she was 14 months we had to change out sleeping arrangements as my second daughter was on the way in couple of months. We moved her cot into her room and with no drama she slept no problem. There was nights when she was calling us and we always responded. All she needed was reassurance that we are there for her. Sometimes we had to be more strict but always after few cuddles she went back to cot, sometimes we had to wait until she fell back asleep, sometimes she was happy enough to be on her own. Yes it was hard but that way we have no problems with sleeping now.
My second daughter slept with us up to 4 months and now is sleeping in a cot in our room. Never had any problems with transition.
Also I have to add I was co sleeping with my sister and my mum and I don't have or had any issues with sleeping on my own

taxus_baccata

Why go completely against your instincts,if cry it out was good for children it would come easier to us. One wouldn't need "strength" to do it or have to go out of the house. If we treated prisoners like this we'd be deemed inhumane, but it's okay to do to babies?

lazygal

taxus_baccata wrote: »

Why go completely against your instincts,if cry it out was good for children it would come easier to us. One wouldn't need "strength" to do it or have to go out of the house. If we treated prisoners like this we'd be deemed inhumane, but it's okay to do to babies?

It didn't go against my instincts. We made sure baby never got very distressed and we're happier as a family knowing we all sleep well every night. My instinct was that my child would be able to settle back to sleep in her own room, and I was right. Not every parent thinks the same or has the safe instinct as you.

taxus_baccata

Cool beans but to be fair it sounds like ye didn't have to do "cry it out" as you said you didn't let your child get distressed however have you seen some of the advice given by tissey hall etc.? Some people do let their kids get very distressed on the back of advice given by self declared experts

I know cry it out is definitely not something I will ever be doing no matter how many people recommend it to me. I just wanted the op to see some other perspectives on it.

lazygal

taxus_baccata wrote: »

Cool beans but to be fair it sounds like ye didn't have to do "cry it out" as you said you didn't let your child get distressed however have you seen some of the advice given by tissey hall etc.? Some people do let their kids get very distressed on the back of advice given by self declared experts

I know cry it out is definitely not something I will ever be doing no matter how many people recommend it to me. I just wanted the op to see some other perspectives on it.

I said there's not one method. Most parents I know end up doing some form of it, and there's a point when you make choice between never upsetting your child at all in any way or doing what's best for the family as a unit. Tissy Hall wasn't recommended by anyone on this thread.

Borboletinha

missis aggie wrote: »

I disagree, my first daughter was in bed with us whenever she wanted/needed. She usually slept in her cot in our bedroom. When she was 14 months we had to change out sleeping arrangements as my second daughter was on the way in couple of months. We moved her cot into her room and with no drama she slept no problem. There was nights when she was calling us and we always responded. All she needed was reassurance that we are there for her. Sometimes we had to be more strict but always after few cuddles she went back to cot, sometimes we had to wait until she fell back asleep, sometimes she was happy enough to be on her own. Yes it was hard but that way we have no problems with sleeping now.
My second daughter slept with us up to 4 months and now is sleeping in a cot in our room. Never had any problems with transition.
Also I have to add I was co sleeping with my sister and my mum and I don't have or had any issues with sleeping on my own

Well Im glad that worked for you. It does not however work for everybody and Im proof of that.

taxus_baccata

lazygal wrote: »

I said there's not one method. Most parents I know end up doing some form of it, and there's a point when you make choice between never upsetting your child at all in any way or doing what's best for the family as a unit. Tissy Hall wasn't recommended by anyone on this thread.

Interesting that most parents you know have done it. Most I know don't/ won't my mother and MILL are both anti-CIO.

Very true, do what's best for you and yours.

Hannibal Smith

taxus_baccata wrote: »

Cool beans but to be fair it sounds like ye didn't have to do "cry it out" as you said you didn't let your child get distressed however have you seen some of the advice given by tissey hall etc.? Some people do let their kids get very distressed on the back of advice given by self declared experts

I know cry it out is definitely not something I will ever be doing no matter how many people recommend it to me. I just wanted the op to see some other perspectives on it.

No decent crying it out method recommends that you let your child get distressed. You dont leave your child and go watch tv. The idea is you go back to them after intervals...and you go back before they get distressed.

You have a different parenting style and sleeping aim for your child. ..it doesnt make your style right and another wrong.

I have two boys who go to sleep by themselves and when they wake up at night can settle themselves back to sleep...and we used cry it out.

Xdancer

We also used a form of the cry it out method at about 7 months, but went in to her at intervals of 1, 3 and 5 minutes. Luckily we never had to go beyond 5 minutes, and she never got really distressed.
It took a few nights, but since then (she is now 19 months)we can put her in her cot awake, and she will put herself to sleep. If we have been away or she has been unwell and her routine has been messed up we sometimes have to go back to the cry it out method, but after the 1st night she's back to normal.

Oral Slang

Well at 21 months we've now had a week of sleeping though & no cry it out used. If you just console your child through teething & developmental leaps, separation anxiety etc., they'll eventually fall into a pattern of sleeping through.

A baby can't tell the time, so saying that you only leave them for 1, 3, 5, 7 minutes etc., doesn't really make it any better, they still think no one cares enough to come & see what's wrong. Obviously if a baby isn't crying, just moaning, tossing & turning & awake etc, then that's fine, but that's not really leaving them cry it out so. Yes babies start to self soothe if you use the technique, it's because they think no one will attend to their needs, so gave up.

yellow hen

At 21 weeks we're now trying to get our son to sleep on his own. We put him down, turn on his bear and give him his soother and either leave the room or hide out of sight, most of the time he plays or watches the animals on the cot bumper. We usually have to go in a few times to put his soother back in but I'm ok with that. So far so good

LadyMayBelle

Lockedout wrote: »

Has anybody tried this? We have a 15 month old. Used to sleep in Cot but after a trip away made it into our bed. Because of family bereavement -he has stayed there for three months. We get him to sleep in a single bed but eventually on third cry we usually move him. He just wont go back to sleep unless one of us is lying with him.

My wife is ill and as a result Im doing all the night shifts. I find it very hard to sleep with him in bed as he snuggles right up to me!! Scrathes me a bit.

So Im tempted to try crying it out.

Just want to pick up on two bits here OP that I think are worth addressing; you say he has stayed with ye in the bed after a bereavement? Im sorry to hear about this loss and question the significance of it to the sepaartion anxiety he may be feeling when left to CIO?
Also with Mum being ill; does that impacy on how she cares for him (Im trying to get a clearer picture here). Does he want to be closer to her but that it's just not possible at this time? He sounds like he needs that closeness (snuggling right up to you).
Must be a nightmare for ye.
Maybe make sure his nails are cut too to avoid the scratches?

Hannibal Smith

Oral Slang wrote: »

Well at 21 months we've now had a week of sleeping though & no cry it out used. If you just console your child through teething & developmental leaps, separation anxiety etc., they'll eventually fall into a pattern of sleeping through.

A baby can't tell the time, so saying that you only leave them for 1, 3, 5, 7 minutes etc., doesn't really make it any better, they still think no one cares enough to come & see what's wrong. Obviously if a baby isn't crying, just moaning, tossing & turning & awake etc, then that's fine, but that's not really leaving them cry it out so. Yes babies start to self soothe if you use the technique, it's because they think no one will attend to their needs, so gave up.

And thats the aim...to get them to self soothe. If you never needed to use it thats great. If you could have used it but chose not to thats up to you...but every one has different ways of doing what suits their family.

The baby knows you are there. ...they know you will be back...that is the whole point of going back into them. Some babies you would have to keep in your arms 24/7 because as soon as you put them down they kick off again. If yours wasnt like that...great...my second was.

My niece is 2, she was always soothed to sleep and now needs a parent in the room with her until she falls asleep. Where I can leave my kids with the grandparents over night...my brother and his wife have to stay over too to get the child to go to sleep.

All these 'baby doesnt understand' 'they stop crying because they gave up hope' is just another way to guilt trip parents into following a particular code of parenting. Formula feeding is wrong...you didn't earn your child unless you push it out...your child will have untold illnesses unless you wait till 6 months to feed and will be mentally scarred for life if you let them cry it out. We're all going to screw up our kids some how...they'll all end up blaming us for crap when they turn into teenagers anyhow...we may as well enjoya bit of ssleep whike we're doing it

Ms2011

Amen to that Hannibal!!!

Also realistically speaking you have to leave your child at some stage, how do you shower, go to the toilet etc.
Are your children sitting there wondering if you're coming back everytime you leave the roon, no I don't think so they just become accustomed to you leaving knowing that you will be back in a few minutes.
I don't see how a similiar bedtime routinue could be any more scarring to them.

pwurple

I stayed with a family once that told me they were doing CIO. I don't know what method they were using, but they put the 18 month old in a cot, and left her there screaming for 2 hours.
2 fecking hours. I could hardly bear it.

They didn't go up, this was their normal routine they said. I was horrified.

I never did cry-it-out, she also never slept in our bed. We just stuck to the exact same routine every single night for 6 months. Milk, Brush teeth, stories, blanket, dummy. Wait for her to start nodding off, and put her down almost asleep, saying 'night night'.

Now, we do the same, except we don't need to wait for her to nod off. She will tell me mid-story she is tired, I turn off the light, she rolls over and goes to sleep. Bedtime takes about 5 to 10 mins minutes, tops.

Xdancer

pwurple wrote: »

I stayed with a family once that told me they were doing CIO. I don't know what method they were using, but they put the 18 month old in a cot, and left her there screaming for 2 hours.
2 fecking hours. I could hardly bear it.

They didn't go up, this was their normal routine they said. I was horrified.

That's awful. That is just cruel. Leaving a child to cry for a few minutes is ok, but 2 hours is horrific!