granddmother ignoring grandchildren

Ckpippa

Hi everyone, just looking for some advice. My mother has had an active enough relationship with my first child but she would all of a sudden stop any contact for a few months then come back when she felt like it. As a result my son would be extremely confused as to who she was. I had a chat with her about it as to which she promised that it would not be the case again. She broke that promise and the confusion for him continued. I then told her that it was not ok for this to continue and she took the huff with me and stopped contact with my son all together. We have gave her many options to have contact with him but because she is not calling the shots this time she still hasn't made any contact to either of us. Since, i have got engaged and had another baby an still no contact. Its gone so long now that the only option for me is to sort issues out through counselling. I proposed this option to her which she also refused. Am i doing the right thing??? Thanks

Mink

Sounds like a tough situation. Has your relationship with her been strained before you had your son? The only way counselling will work is if she is willing to do it to sort the issues. Sometimes people are too selfish to give things a shot to help others.

It seems like she is quite stubborn and wants to have things her way rather than what's best for you and your family. If she resurfaces, I'd keep the contact with your son minimal until she can prove that she will be there as a grandmother for the long term. It would be upsetting to him if he got attached to her and then she flittered off again for ages.

LegacyUser

You certainly sound like you're trying to do the 'right' thing. That is to say, you're approaching the situation in a responsible way with the aim of strengthening/restoring the relationship you have with your mother. Counselling might be of benefit to you but it depends what your aims are. It won't necessarily make your mother act differently. Only she can determine that. But nonetheless, it could help you to understand the situation in a way that's healthy to you and your own family as well as helping you to cope with the adversity that goes with this type of thing. I went to a psychologist ( Dr. Damien Lowry) for a similar problem (although I knew why my parent was acting the way they were) and found it refreshing to work this out with someone that was neutral. Choosing someone is always a personal thing but this person is experienced and very approachable. Up to you.

tony1980

Had she always called to your place or did you both call to each others?

I think nobody would see our little fella if we didn't call to them, we seem to be the only ones who regulary call to other relations houses. My In laws are very good with him, they get down on the floor and play with him and interact with him the whole time he is there but my own parents who are very nice with him when he initially comes in, but don't get up off the table and do anything with him, so he has little interest in them. I find it very hard to say anything to them in case I set off a huge argument!

So, one set are great with him when we call and the other set are ok but neither call to our house to see him or us. If she was calling to yours previously, Would it help if you were doing a bit of both. That way your son would see your mother at least every two weeks.

Ckpippa

We have always had a strained relationship yes and the contact would be very minimal until she could prove that she was capable of regular contact. I have made that very clear to her.

Regarding the house visits... It's was always me that would call to her and she would often pass my house and never think to drop in... It was mainly one way! What is also frustrating is that to th public eye she classes herself as the victim and that she is the doting grandmother which is certainly not the case....

meeeeh

My children have very irregular contact with my parents because they live in another country. One is too young to know the difference but the older one is perfectly fine with seeing them only couple of times per year. If I had a choice between sporadic contact and no contact at all, I'd take sporadic contact.

MelanieD

Your mother sounds just like my own. Only her terms were acceptable. She would be in a sulk if she didn't get her way or plays the victim. As a result I have not seen her for a year and she has made no effort to see her grandchildren.

Don't force the relationship between your mother and yourself or your children. If she is too stubborn or selfish to work things out, then ultimately she is the loser. Your children will figure out what kind of person she really is.

username123

Why are you so keen to push the relationship? It is only confusing and damaging for a child to have an adult blow hot and cold with them. Your mother sounds like a selfish individual who does not take your childrens feelings into account. So why bother? If you have always had a strained relationship with her then what makes you think your children would have any less of a strained relationship?

Ckpippa

Thanks for all your replies. I don't consider myself to be forcing the relationship I am just trying to understand why. She has done the same to me as a child so I know exactly what she is capable and that's what I am trying to protect my kids from in the long run. She was there one minute then no contact for months at a time while my father was solely raising.. I am worried that one day my son will ask why? Especially when some family members think I won't allow her to see her grand kids. So he will hear all kinds of stories.. Thanks

aknitter

OP I am in the same position with my MIL. She is a selfish, passive agressive harridan (sorry am pissed off). She did the same thing as your mother to my sister in law (her daughter) and grandkids, but she doted on her son but I was wary of it happening. So it did, as you said, only we'd call she made no effort and for a while she even went out of her way to make it awkard for us to call. It came to a head and we decided to stop making the effort. Last time I spoke to her was my wedding day 3 years ago, we've had 2 children who she doesn't know. Life has been great, no issues or dramas. (spanner in the work - she called my husband
last week to see if its ok to send a pressie to the newborn! Not sure what to do about it).

Anyway we told our then 11 year old that she had a mental problem when we were questioned why her grandmother didn't want to see her.

How many times are willing to let yourself be disappointed by her refusal to engage with the kids or you?

poconnor16

Oh its a tough one isnt it? I'm amazed that other people have a similar situation....
My mother is same....only sees me son when we bring him to her. Never bothers to call out to us. Is too lazy to babysit for us, which is costing us in creche every month which isnt working out too well. Her reasons are she is "not able" which is BS in my opinion. She has always been lazy, never got up to get me ready for school, never helped with my sisters kids. Its just me me me.
I was very upset over this when I was pregnant, but once I had him I decided to just detach myself. If he sees her, he sees her.
I think the less dependant he is on her the better, he'll only be let down anyway.
OP, you are doing a very mature thing and trying your best but dont upset yourself over this. Sounds like you are doing everything you can. You can bring a horse to water but you cant make him drink.

December2012

Why would your son be confused about who she is?

The relationship with secondary members of the family does not have to be consistent.

It's not ideal but its ok to only see granny and grandad sporadically.

Are your expectations realistic? Are you confusing him?
Is this more about your relationship with your mother?