Do we have something in us to stop us really feeling the pain?

EdenHazard

Have we as humans developed a coping mechanism which means we can never truly feel the pain that someone has left behind?

My mum was my best friend without question, we got on so well together. We had such a laugh, and endless conversations. She was an amazingly good person, she loved life and that love was just so infectious. She truly was one in a million. She wouldn't even have to speak and she would light up a room, her smile, her eyes....but I notice writing this I'm not sobbing. 9 weeks ago my world changed. One minute mum was here, the next I would never see her again. I've had down periods, but I wouldn't even call it 'down', more just reflective 'mum won't be there when i go home' moments, but despite all that, I'm fine. I haven't hid away from the pain, I've tried to invite it. I do cry but they are not tears of sorrow, hard to explain but just tears of happiness thinking of the person she was.

Basically is this common? My sister is very much the same. When it happened I never thought I would smile, or enjoy anything in life again. 9 weeks(today) on I can sit down and watch a movie and laugh. and while always on my mind it doesn't consume me. If you had told me Saturday 9 weeks ago that this is how I would be I would never in a million years believed you. When mum left here, I think I firmly adopted the mindset that it is all in the state of mind. I could weap and miss mum like crazy which would be futile because you can miss like an old toy, or a game you played, but miss doesn't quite capture it when you won't see the person you love most again(in this life anyway, I'm open into believing we'll meet many many years from now)

Victor

EdenHazard wrote: »

9 weeks(today) on I can sit down and watch a movie and laugh.

I'm sure it was a funny movie.

Different things happen to different people. Your reaction will depend on where they are in life and your relationship with the deceased.

Some deaths might affect us, while others don't. When my aunt died last year, it felt OK. I had seen her a few weeks earlier - if I hadn't, I think I would have felt a bit guilty, as I hadn't seen her in a long time. She was 83 and it wouldn't be unexpected if someone of that age died.

About 12 years ago, when my niece, my god-daughter died, age 1, from cot death. I was inconsolable. Previously, I had been having a rough time and said to my sister that my niece had been the one thing keeping me sane for that year. Now, anyone dealing with a one year old will know they usually drive you mad - like tantrums or eating blue chalk. :eek: While things are easier after all this time, it is still difficult to talk about.

You might be numb to the pain. There might be no pain (this doesn't make you a 'bad person'). You might find that in the future, that something small and unrelated may trigger a reaction to your mother's passing.

If you want, it might be useful to talk to someone, e.g. a counsellor. Your GP might be able to recommend someone.

CaraMay

I don't think you should go looking for grief... From my experience it comes and finds you in the end. As you know there is no percentile chart for grieving in that you don't do better or worse than anyone else..

My sibling died 2.5 years ago and I have been ok for a while until a couple of weeks ago. They feel so far away now... Maybe it's because I'm starting to forget stuff or maybe it's because there is a new normal in our family and that's without them.

I would have thought that at this stage I would have finished grieving but I have to say its the worst I have been in a long time. Enjoy the times of peace when you have them as I think grief has a long reach and can push and pull at you for many years.

banie01

I don't believe we have something in us to stop the pain....
What we do have is the capacity to adapt, to learn to cope.
Because if we couldn't adapt and learn to cope with this pain, then surely our only way of coping would be medication or obliteration!

CaraMay's advice above is very apt...
There is no timetable to grieve, there is no schedule no right or wrong way to do it.
Grief isn't about wallowing in misery, its about adapting to a changed circumstance...
A circumstance where someone you loved, someone who supported and loved you is no longer physically here to do that.
Its not about forcing oneself to avoid happiness and questioning any joy we are lucky enough to experience in the wake of death....
That isn't healthy. its not a way of ''honouring'' a memory.
And lets be honest, its hard enough to smile in bereavement anyways...
If it happens, don't question it.
Treasure it,

Grief is a personal journey and it is different for us all.
That said....
Grief will blindside and cripple you as you go through this.
It will never be expected, and it will leave you(well in my case) in a broken heap struggling to make headway or motivate yourself.
In the beginning you will have more dark and painful days than bright ones.
But this is what makes those bright days, those ''happy moments'' so important....
Embrace them, enjoy them.
Don't feel guilty for smiling or laughing, it doesn't mean that you miss the one you've lost any less or that your love has ''diminished''
It means you are coping, that

When we lose someone close to us, the grief is a physical pain.
A wrenching twisting horrible pain, that casts a shadow over us.

One of the things that sticks in my head most after my wife died, was laughing at the funeral mass!
How could I laugh at a time like that?
I asked myself that question a lot since....
And I laughed because, it was a moment that deserved laughter....
Our son asked me what the priest was doing, so I explained it to him as best I could in a way that a 3 y.o would understand....
Imagine explaining transubstantiation during communion to a child without it sounding like a magic trick?
Anyways towards the end of the mass, my son was in my arms and as the priest was returning the chalice and bits to the sacristy....
My son turns round to me and says....
''Dad, I'm not sure I want to come here anymore because thats the stupidest magic show I've ever seen''.....
I laughed out loud, and so did our family.
It was exactly the kind off of the cuff cheeky remark his mam would have made, and in that moment(poorly timed as it was) it reminded all of us that while she was gone, that we'd lost her...
We had at least had her, we had shared some great moments and it is better to celebrate the joy we shared.

OP, its very early days on your own journey yet.
You have many hard days to come, don't feel that by being happy that by letting the weight of your grief slip your shoulders for a little while that it is in any way a sleight on your Mum's memory...
Or that being happy is wrong....
It isn't, its all part of the journey.

Nalz

banie01 wrote: »

I don't believe we have something in us to stop the pain....
What we do have is the capacity to adapt, to learn to cope.
Because if we couldn't adapt and learn to cope with this pain, then surely our only way of coping would be medication or obliteration!
.

Its probably the only thing you'll never forget, its like a serious glip in the matrix that just nibbles away at you.

Accepting others care and friendship can be positive and can help you adapt.

Don't shut others out and remember with a smile, always.

lukesmom

I don't know. Two years on after losing my brother the grief is still as raw as ever, in fact probably worse. The first two years were a blur of auto pilot shock and now reality has hit hard that he is gone and not coming back

NIMAN

We definitely have a coping mechanism of some sort.

My father died in my arms of a heart attack 20yrs ago now. It was very traumatic and something which affected me very badly for the first 6 months to 1yr. I thought I'd never recover as it was not a pretty thing to see.

However, inside a couple of years I was able to look back on it without getting too emotional. Of course reliving the incident wasn't a pleasant thing, but somehow I was able to feel that I was there for him when he needed me, and this gave me strength.

Now, many years later, the bad element of that night doesn't really bother me, and I can think of my dad with fond and happy memories.

When someone dies, you often think you will never get over it, but I do believe that time does heal. It may take some people longer than others of course.

Nalz

NIMAN wrote: »

When someone dies, you often think you will never get over it, but I do believe that time does heal. It may take some people longer than others of course.

100% agree. My bro past away recently. It does take longer than others but if you learn to remember with I suppose fondness and happiness it helps big time.

EdenHazard

It is getting tougher I notice, I can definitely see how as time goes on it actually gets harder as it becomes less surreal and the reality that they won't be physically in my life anymore comes home to roost. I don't mind it being tough but it can be tough when you have to go to work, in a job I've got since mum left. I find doing familiar things most comforting. But then I think to myself, mum was so proactive, its befitting of her memory for me to get up and go to work and greet the day with a smile. You never know when it could all end, so seize the day. I'm back in college tomorrow which will be interesting. Mixed emotions. I think I'll find it tough initially, then I'll settle before finding it tough again.