need opinions over division of labour!!

Rosy Posy

Well done op! One of the biggest challenges of family life is that it's dynamic with everyone's needs constantly evolving and changing and you all need to be able to roll with the punches. The transition times are always going to be tough as everyone renegotiates their roles. Just remember the parenting mantra 'this too shall pass' (to remain only as a rose tinted memory!).

Hannibal Smith

Yes I read your whole post! Its bloody tough. ..I only have 2 but during the day I never get a minute. Ill make their lunch, have them fed and watered and finally sit down to mine. ..thatll be the time the 1 year old does a poo or the 4 year old wants me to look at a pic he's just done. ..or the two of them are fighting over the one ironman..even though we have 2 of them! Whenever I need to pee the four year old is suddenly bursting to go....or the one year old bursts in saying 'tinkle tinkle mum'.

It is non stop full on go all day...except when I get to sneak on here

nesf

nicowa wrote: »

I think part of the problem isn't simply that he's rushing out the door in the morning but that he deliberately stays up extremely late at night and is barely able to get himself sorted in the morning. A bit more cop on in that regard and he'd be able to help out in the mornings. Even if two mornings out of five OP ended up getting up to help I think she'd feel more rested, more supported.

You're assuming he can sleep early. Some people cannot do this (I am one, without sleeping tablets sleeping before 1am hasn't happened outside of illness in 15 years). Also, the idea that someone can get ready for work with kids up is fine if it's a 4 year old but with a kid younger than 2 that's not an option. Going out of earshot and into the shower with a child that young is really not doable and you're unlikely to get them to stay in the bathroom or just outside the door if their older sibling is downstairs watching TV.

nicowa

nesf wrote: »

You're assuming he can sleep early. Some people cannot do this (I am one, without sleeping tablets sleeping before 1am hasn't happened outside of illness in 15 years). Also, the idea that someone can get ready for work with kids up is fine if it's a 4 year old but with a kid younger than 2 that's not an option. Going out of earshot and into the shower with a child that young is really not doable and you're unlikely to get them to stay in the bathroom or just outside the door if their older sibling is downstairs watching TV.

With a kid younger than 2 is is an option as my husband does it everyday. I keep her while he showers and then he takes her for breakfast. I wasn't talking out of my behind...

I don't know about the sleeping. But - and I don't know you're situation - my husband has gone from sleeping from 1am (pre kids) to 5am and feeling fine, to needing much more sleep now. Yes, I'm basing my assumptions on my own experience. But I only offering advice based on what I know.

Anyway, OP has gotten it sorted so I'll leave it there.

RubyGirl

Op I think you should tell your husband your going to get up with the kid's every morning from now on. Tell him you are going to change the child over to a bottle and you are going to do the last feed at 9 and then go to bed. Your husband is going to do the last night feed seen as he is up until 1.30am. Watch how quickly he'll change his tune.

He's being selfish, tell him to go to bed at a decent hour and he wont be so wrecked in the morning.

nesf

nicowa wrote: »

With a kid younger than 2 is is an option as my husband does it everyday. I keep her while he showers and then he takes her for breakfast. I wasn't talking out of my behind...

Is the OP waking and taking the kids? No. They want to sleep. That's what I'm pointing out as not workable. If they're willing to be half awake and keep an eye on the kid in the bedroom then that's meeting the other parent half-way and pretty much the foundation of not killing each other for the first few years of having kids.

nicowa

nesf wrote: »

Is the OP waking and taking the kids? No. They want to sleep. That's what I'm pointing out as not workable. If they're willing to be half awake and keep an eye on the kid in the bedroom then that's meeting the other parent half-way and pretty much the foundation of not killing each other for the first few years of having kids.

She's not meeting him half-way? That's laughable. She's up during the night feeding the 7 week old and he's grouching about waking up a bit earlier so he has time to shower and change a nappy.

I don't want to keep arguing here as she says they have reached a compromise that suits them. But you seem to think she has to meet him half way, why can't he be the one meeting her half way?

nesf

nicowa wrote: »

She's not meeting him half-way? That's laughable. She's up during the night feeding the 7 week old and he's grouching about waking up a bit earlier so he has time to shower and change a nappy.

I don't want to keep arguing here as she says they have reached a compromise that suits them. But you seem to think she has to meet him half way, why can't he be the one meeting her half way?

Are you deliberately trying to misinterpret me? I'm saying it's essentially impossible to get some kinds of morning tasks done with a young toddler when they're distracted by an older sibling doing stuff and won't stay put. Most of us have tried to juggle a critical part of cooking dinner (can't leave stove) with a young toddler and know this to be true.

I'm not saying that he's being reasonable elsewhere in the day. I'm saying he's right about the morning. He could be going out and getting hammered drunk every evening after work and he'd still be right that showering and shaving can't be done if there's a young toddler running free downstairs. He'd still be a muppet, and she could demand quid-pro-quo in exchange for some half-awake childminding in the morning, but he'd be right about the morning routine.

nicowa

nesf wrote: »

Are you deliberately trying to misinterpret me? I'm saying it's essentially impossible to get some kinds of morning tasks done with a young toddler when they're distracted by an older sibling doing stuff and won't stay put. Most of us have tried to juggle a critical part of cooking dinner (can't leave stove) with a young toddler and know this to be true.

I'm not saying that he's being reasonable elsewhere in the day. I'm saying he's right about the morning. He could be going out and getting hammered drunk every evening after work and he'd still be right that showering and shaving can't be done if there's a young toddler running free downstairs. He'd still be a muppet, and she could demand quid-pro-quo in exchange for some half-awake childminding in the morning, but he'd be right about the morning routine.

I did actually agree on the showering bit. But looking back over the OPs reply, 4 year old distracted by telly, baby snoozing and 17 mth old in bathroom while she showers. I only have the toddler, but most of my showers happen with her in the bathroom with me. At one stage while in the bathtub with me.

Mum can get it done, but dad can't? That seems to how it comes out anyway. And yes, you can say she has plenty of time. Back to my argument that he's dragging himself out of bed late every morning.

Apologies to the OP. I know you've it sorted. I don't want to be dragging this thread out so I won't be responding again.

To close, it's about the fact that some people can and will multitask with kids and some won't. While my husband does the mornings he's also unable to multitask with her at any other point, eg making her bottle is a solo endeavour (with me minding baby) while I've often had to do it while holding a very impatient baby. You learn to cope with what you're working with.

Moonbeam

That sounds like a nice compromise.
Mine are 4,2 and 7 months so more manageable ages but in the 1st few weeks the tiredness is definitely the hardest.

jimmycrackcorm

OP, I'd suggest two things - one is that he could do most of his morning prep the night before e.g. I shower and shave last thing at night with clothes lined up so in the morning I'm dressed and out the door in five minutes.

Otherwise stick to the current routine but you take off some time for yourself in the evening to rest or whatever, you take on the morning and he the evening.

nesf

nicowa wrote: »

I only have the toddler, but most of my showers happen with her in the bathroom with me. At one stage while in the bathtub with me.

This was my point. With my kids anyway, and from most parents I've spoken to, you can get the toddler to stay in the bathroom with you when it's just you two in the house but as soon as an older sibling is downstairs doing something they just won't stay put for you, they want to go where the action is.

What we found going from one kid to two was the issue wasn't what the toddler would do on their own but what the toddler did when the older kid was around. They won't go to bed for you because they want to go and play with their brother/sister (including waking up and going into the other bedroom to wake up their sibling on school nights). If their sibling is getting to watch TV they want to watch TV but you can't trust them to just watch TV and not get themselves into trouble.

I completely understand what you're saying and I agree completely about both the need for compromise overall and some people being unable to multitask with children. I just think it's pretty reasonable to ask for help with a 4 year old and a young toddler in the morning when you have things that have to get done. It's equally reasonable for the other parent to ask for some extra help in some other part of the day as compensation for the lost sleep.

100200 shih

ash23 wrote: »

Other people said they had one child but I was the only person told I was basically not qualified to advise. Those other posters with one child weren't pulled to task over only having one child but I was.

I was a single parent when my child was a baby. I was in a relationship when she was a toddler and I've been single again for a number of years, working full time. I was parenting a newborn alone and working full time. I'm sure that not every person who is posting here is in the exact position that the OP is in.

Would you like a medal ? I was a single mum to 2 kids from when they where 1 & 3 for 5 year till I meet my husband. I remember, 1 time i ask my ex ( children dad ) to get up with the kids , I ended up in A&e with a broken nose , ( Yes I know this is not normal & this is the reason why I CHOSE to be a single mum) The mum here is breast feeding the baby she needs a Little more help ,not hearing how other mothers have suffer !

To the mum here , let him know, this stage doesn't last forever , It hard for both of ye but you both need each other , in a couple of year all this will be forgotten ! Sorry for going on , but I do wish someone could have told me all this 8 years ago but maybe I would not have believe that I would get some sleep !( lots of it now )

I do wish you all the best !

LegacyUser

When the baby gets a bit bigger find some thing to do one evening a week - slimming group, exercise class ect and get your husband to mind the children then.
For your own sake you need to have some time away from your children and spend some time in adult company. This gives you something to look forward to doing each week. Also keep in contact with friends and try to meet up every few weeks without the children.

Is there a baby/toddler group near you as this would get you out of the house one morning or afternoon a week. You could also make some new friends.
Also plan to go away for a night with a friend some Saturday night in the next 6-12 months and leave you children with your husband.
He will get a better idea of what your life is like if you do this.

It is hard being at home with small children full time.
Do you know that social welfare now allow stay at home mothers claim credits towards there own state pensions? from welfare.ie
People who leave the workforce for periods spent caring can have gaps in their insurance records which can affect their entitlement to a State Pension (Contributory) at age 66. The Homemaker's scheme, introduced in April 1994, allows for periods spent providing full-time care to children up to 12 years of age or an incapacitated person to be taken into account for pension purposes.It does not provide social welfare payments while homemaking.

Contact your local welfare office in regards to this.

Hello Lady!

iguana wrote: »

Another solution could be one similar to the routine my parents had when we were kids. My Dad was always up an hour before we were and his routine was to bring my mum breakfast in bed before he left for work. That way she'd have 20 minutes to relax and eat before having to get us up, get us ready and bring us to school. She got a little extra sleep, a chance to wake up and eat and that way was better prepared to deal with getting 3 kids up. My Dad got to do what he wanted in the morning but went to a little extra effort to make my Mum's morning easier.

aww my dad used to do that too! He would make my mam a cup of tea and a bit of toast and bring it up to her, and while she was having it and waking up, he would change my nappy and give me a bottle and put me in the bed with my mam. I would usually snooze in the bed with my mam for another 30 mins or so so she got a chance to recharge her batteries before she was with me on her own all day.

Maybe its a generational thing, but I think its lovely. I certainly hope my husband will do the same (although I am not getting my hopes up!).

Oral Slang

I think he's being unreasonable to be honest.

At the minute I do get up pretty much every morning with our 22 month old, but that's totally my decision. If I ever want to lie on, my other half would get up with her no problem before work. Most mornings I drop her into him while I go down & get our breakfast sorted. They watch videos on his phone until I'm ready to take her down.

I'm 27 weeks pregnant at the minute though, so I'd say that he'll be doing his fair share of mornings with our daughter once the new baby arrives. If the next one is anything like our first, then I'll be up numerous times a night breastfeeding and so will need any precious sleep I can get to allow me to function as a person for the day with a baby & a hyper toddler. As another poster said, breastfeeding isn't just for a certain period, I'm still feeding at 22 months (trying to wean before number 2) and up until I got pregnant, she was feeding twice & 3 times a night.

ash23

100200 shih wrote: »

Would you like a medal ? I was a single mum to 2 kids from when they where 1 & 3 for 5 year till I meet my husband. I remember, 1 time i ask my ex ( children dad ) to get up with the kids , I ended up in A&e with a broken nose , ( Yes I know this is not normal & this is the reason why I CHOSE to be a single mum) The mum here is breast feeding the baby she needs a Little more help ,not hearing how other mothers have suffer !

That's not very fair. My reply about my own situation was in response to being told that I only had one child and needed some perspective. I suggested the op and her husband compromise and was put down for having just one child. So I was stating my circumstances because it's not like one child means an easy life.

I suggest you take posts in the context they are meant. I mean, you just told your story. Do you want a medal?? :rolleyes:

Orion

Folks. Let's keep it civil please

100200 shih

ash23 wrote: »

That's not very fair. My reply about my own situation was in response to being told that I only had one child and needed some perspective. I suggested the op and her husband compromise and was put down for having just one child. So I was stating my circumstances because it's not like one child means an easy life.

I suggest you take posts in the context they are meant. I mean, you just told your story. Do you want a medal?? :rolleyes:

I have plenty of medals but thanks for the offer,
Im not looking for the poor me, just pointing out a fact that you were pointing out your illness & how it is so hard for you.I was telling my past to say we all have it hard in different ways , Also 1 child is a walk in the park compare to 3 in my opinion !

ash23

100200 shih wrote: »

I have plenty of medals but thanks for the offer,
Im not looking for the poor me, just pointing out a fact that you were pointing out your illness & how it is so hard for you.I was telling my past to say we all have it hard in different ways , Also 1 child is a walk in the park compare to 3 in my opinion !

Depends on the circumstances. Which was my point. 3 kids is more than one. But one parent is less than two. As is one wage with childcare. Throw in illness or disability or special needs or family problems and it's not possible to say that one person has it easier than another. That was my point. I wasn't saying I had it harder. I was saying that it wasn't necessarily easy for me just based on the fact that I have one child which I was told it was.

You can't say to a parent that they have it easier based on number of children when you don't know their circumstances. Which again was my point.