My best friend's husband hates me

Big Bag of Chips

OP, it is hard to know if he is being rude to you or if you are being over sensitive to what he says, because of your feelings about him.

My husband ALWAYS leaves the room whenever any of my friends call. Sometimes he even leaves the house! He's not interested in whatever we'd be talking about... And my friends come to see and chat to me, not him!

You don't like him. That is perfectly obvious, and completely your prerogative. But I do think your opinion of him, and everything he does, is coloured by how you feel about him. The things he says, that you find insulting... If your friend was to say the same thing, would you be equally offended or would you laugh it off as a bit of slagging?

But, at the end of the day this should be easy. You don't like him. You get the impression he doesn't like you... So why force it? Arrange to meet your 2 friends without their husbands. That way you maintain your friendship, and you don't have to upset yourself by forcing yourself to grin and bear him.

Yellow121

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Because the OP could be taking banter and ball hopping completely out of context. It is hard to know, but the OP has taken a very fixed position, where she is a victim of a 'bully' so there is a good possibility her interpretation is skewed. As we only ever get one side of the story here, it is best to be objective and not encourage a one sided witch hunt, it also serves the OP, as it helps gain a bit if perspective and balance.

You could say that about every single post on the personal issues forum. Where would that get you? Why are you assuming the OP is lying?

Yellow121

December2012 wrote: »

That could be a comment about anything, a joke, a slag, a bit of banter, or it could be more.

But without being there how do we know that's indicative of how he treats her?

Why not believe her?

Yellow121

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP, it is hard to know if he is being rude to you or if you are being over sensitive to what he says, because of your feelings about him.

My husband ALWAYS leaves the room whenever any of my friends call. Sometimes he even leaves the house! He's not interested in whatever we'd be talking about... And my friends come to see and chat to me, not him!

You don't like him. That is perfectly obvious, and completely your prerogative. But I do think your opinion of him, and everything he does, is coloured by how you feel about him. The things he says, that you find insulting... If your friend was to say the same thing, would you be equally offended or would you laugh it off as a bit of slagging?

But, at the end of the day this should be easy. You don't like him. You get the impression he doesn't like you... So why force it? Arrange to meet your 2 friends without their husbands. That way you maintain your friendship, and you don't have to upset yourself by forcing yourself to grin and bear him.

If your husband was demeaning one of your friends appearence and intellect would you say nothing?

Big Bag of Chips

Yellow121, the Personal Issues Charter requests that posters offer advice to the OP. Your last 3 posts have not offered any advice or opinion. Of course you can disagree with other posters, but instead of trying to draw those posters into a discussion/debate with you, you need to direct your reply towards the OP.

Personal Issues is an advice forum, not a discussion forum. Because of the sensitive nature of threads it is a heavily moderated forum, and breaches of the Charter frequently result in Moderator action, up to and including bans.

Please make sure you are acquainted with the charter, before posting again.

freshpopcorn

It's very hard to know what the man has actually said to you OP. Is it a comment that he made once or has it happened numerous times. It's also important the context it happened in.
You also say that he leaves the room when you call around. I'd say he does this to allow you have private time with his wife. He also might have no interest in ye're conversation and feel in the way.
As for organizing nights out. I find it very odd that you never have a night out with just friend x & y. I would suggest you plan a girls night out with them as for him planning them near there houses. I don't think he's trying to keep you away.
I often plan nights out with friends from different places and when I am picking a venue I normally try and pick somewhere that suits where the majority of the people are coming from. I'd also try and find a good venue.

scobysnacks

freshpopcorn wrote: »

It's very hard to know what the man has actually said to you OP. Is it a comment that he made once or has it happened numerous times. It's also important the context it happened in.

Any picture of me on FB he would say that I looked retarded, anything I like he always says is crap, calls me by a very derogatory nickname, refused to sit beside a a recent dinner party; need I go on?

Carlos Orange

scobysnacks wrote: »

Any picture of me on FB he would say that I looked retarded, anything I like he always says is crap, calls me by a very derogatory nickname, refused to sit beside a a recent dinner party; need I go on?

Shouldn't you be happy not to be sitting beside him?

December2012

scobysnacks wrote: »

Any picture of me on FB he would say that I looked retarded, anything I like he always says is crap, calls me by a very derogatory nickname, refused to sit beside a a recent dinner party; need I go on?

Did you ever ask his wife why he does this?

Big Bag of Chips

OP, why are you forcing this? What do you want people to say to you?

Have you challenged him on things he says? Have you spoken to your friend? Have others noticed? Do they step in or say anything in your defense?

The man clearly doesn't like you. You clearly don't like him... So avoid being in his company as much as you can. That might mean you have to turn down invitations to things he'll be at, and meet your friend without him being present... But if he is as bad, and as obvious as you say, surely it won't come as much of a surprise to anyone.

Trying to coerce someone into liking you isn't going to work. You two obviously clash. So you need to accept that this man will never be your friend. He will probably never be civil to you. So the only workable solution I see is to conduct your friendship away from him. It IS possible. Unless he is forbidding his wife from meeting you, and if that is the case, then I'm afraid her problems are bigger than yours....

I just don't understand why after 3 pages of advice from people, you are still coming back giving out about him, but not really taking on board any advice people are offering you?

Did you post just to vent? Or are you looking for ways to deal with the situation?

Edit: Basically, not everyone in life can get on. Life isn't TV, where everybody sits down and talks it out, and becomes bussom buddies in the end. In real life, if we don't like people we avoid them.

If you are only home twice a year at most, surely it should be very easy for you not to ever have to see him again.. or at least greatly limit the amount of time you have to have any interaction with him.

banie01

scobysnacks wrote: »

Any picture of me on FB he would say that I looked retarded,

Facebook? The same Facebook that you are complaining he deleted you from?
If Facebook was one of the avenues he used to abuse you? Either directly or in seeing your posts/pics and making comments either online or in Real life.
Then why are you bothered he deleted you at all?

scobysnacks wrote: »

Anything I like he always says is crap, calls me by a very derogatory nickname, refused to sit beside a a recent dinner party; need I go on?

So since you have been living abroad a few years now, and you only visit home once or twice a year.
Since he avoids speaking to you, leaves a room rather than stay in your company and has had the temerity to delete you from Facebook.
How does this abuse he perpetrates actually take place?

The more I read this thread the it strikes me that you and your friends are drifting apart and that you cant accept this so it must be somebodies fault?
If your 2 friends value your friendship as much as you seem to, speak to them and arrange your meet ups as a girls night out or similar whenever you are next home.
Altough....
If they decide that might be a bit hard to arrange? Or some other polite way to give you the brush off?
Will that still be his fault?

ivytwine

You need to call him out in my opinion. People who use their 'sense of humour' to demolish others do not like it when they are confronted on it.

He said you look like a retard on Facebook. You say, "No I don't, and I find that word offensive. Anyway, you're hardy Brad Pitt."

He says you talk crap. You say "No more than you." Chalk it down, he'll probably be so stunned he won't say anything.

He calls you a derogatory nickname. You say, VERY CALMLY, "X, please don't call me that. I don't like it. I am no longer ten years old and I don't have to listen to little boys calling me names."

He won't sit beside you at a dinner party. Good. Do nothing. At all times, keep your dignity, keep calm, don't lose your temper.

I actually believe there is something in it and you're not being over-sensitive. However, you do seem to me to be a sensitive person. I'm like that too, but seriously, once I realised the world would not end if I stand up for myself, the people in my life who treated me like crap seemed to suddenly evaporate. He's treating you like this because he's getting away with it. Your friend is in an awkward position, because she loves this man and he's probably painting you as the butt of a joke.

So don't let him away with it. Calmly, gently, call him out on his actions and watch things change. If you end up losing your friend, then so be it. There are plenty more people out there. I'd also advise you to focus your energies on the new country, and if you're dissatisfied with it, then move elsewhere. Don't keep harking back to Ireland and your old life because then you'll miss too much of the present.

freshpopcorn

scobysnacks wrote: »

Any picture of me on FB he would say that I looked retarded, anything I like he always says is crap, calls me by a very derogatory nickname, refused to sit beside a a recent dinner party; need I go on?

Your not friends on facebook anymore so I don't see why this is a problem anymore. Adults complaining about incidents on facebook is very in mature anyway(in my opinion)
Maybe the man actually dislikes the stuff you like and ye're polar opposites. He might see no problem in saying something is crap. Saying you dislike something that someone else likes is just them stating their opinion. It's not bullying.
You just have to tell him to stop call you the nickname.
I have no idea why you would want to sit beside him at a dinner party in the first place. He was doing you a favor by not sitting beside you.

greengirl31

I’ve only skimmed over some of the replies here but I’d like to share my tuppance worth …

My BFF’s husband and myself always have had a rocky relationship – More so in the early days. She moved away to where he was from and when I’d go to visit id be a little stranded. He’d start making personal comments and the like after he’d have a few drinks which could be quite harsh at times. I’d let it go most of the time cause my friend would be mortified but one time he pushed it too far and I got up and went to bed and had left the next morning before they both got up. This wasn’t mentioned afterwards but it didn’t happen again so I presume she had a chat with him afterwards. She told me years later that he always felt threatened by me cause I knew her longer than he did so his actions were more due to his insecurity in himself than what he thought about me.

Years on, there’s still no love lost between the 2 of us but we maintain a certain level of civility towards each other for my friends sake. She will always be my best friend and he is her husband so out of respect for my friend and his wife we get along. We tend not to see a whole lot of each other though, she’ll come up to me or I’ll go to her when he’s away. When we do happen to be in each other’s company we’re civil to each other and it works just fine. We’re not friends on FB and that doesn’t bother me one way or another.

From your posts, you seem to be quite upset by this. Is your friend aware of the way you feel ?? (for the record, I don’t think you should make an issue of this with your friend cause she might feel she’s being made to choose) Do you feel you’re being excluded by X & Y ?? Do you feel out of the loop because you’re away ?? How often do you be home ?? If this guy doesn’t like you I’d be quite glad that he left the room when I was there. At the end of the day, you’re friends with X and Y and not their partners so make the effort with your friends. Arrange a girls night out when you come home. Try to be civil if you are in the company of this guy but don’t be afraid to make a dignified exit if he goes too far with his comments. I think there will always be at least on friend a that a partner doesn’t hit it off with, I believe that while they never have to be best buddies, they should at least make a little effort (both sides) to at least be civil for the sake of the mutual party.

Good luck OP – Hope it all works out for you

Est28

scobysnacks wrote: »

Thanks for some really good food for thought.

Sure, I am not a saint, but who is really? I honestly don't know what I have done to p## him off. I've never been rude to him and always try to be interested in what he has to say etc. I do that because I care about my friend. In fact, I have even defended him when one of my family members(the one still on his FB list) was calling him every name under the sun. I guess some people just hate others.

As I said, my parents live very far from the city. It's hard for me to get across town. They all have cars. Friend y hardly drinks. The bully always insists that they meet in their neighbourhood rather than in town. It's 15 minutes drive for them to the centre. For me, to get across town is 1.5 hours. When I am only back for a short time it helps if the location can be central. When I organise to meet my friends, I would hope for a compromise. I'm only back once or twice a year at the very most.

I don't expect him to be friends with me, but it's just good manners to be polite to people, even if you don't like them. I don't think that's too unreasonable to ask.

Friend y and I have been in various different countries over the last decade and our friendship always remained strong (the type that it's just like you were always together), basically, until she and her husband became close to friend y and the bully. That's the part that I am most upset about.

I left Ireland on a few months travel break, not because I thought it was a hole and met my husband. I always fully intended to return, but as we know, the recession happened. Getting a job in my husband's, or my field would be almost impossible at the moment, so we have to stay put.

Some friends come and go, but others always remain in people's lives. My parents have friends for life (some who live as far away as Australia), as do all my siblings. Although life is always changing, true friends generally remain constant. I only have handfull of them and really want to retain them.

OP, the comment about not being a Saint wasn't to attack anyone, it's to say that if you two clash then there must be SOME reason. Even if you don't know, it sounds like you've done or said SOMETHING that pissed him off at some point but you don't allude to anything, it's all HIM. Maybe it is, who knows but you must have done SOMETHING he didn't like either.

What comes across is that you're calling him "The Bully". I mean, you both clash obviously but it seems like you're acting more passive aggressive towards him which he is probably picking up on.

I seem to be missing something in the story. On one hand you live abroad but on the other you live across town from them? I think I missed something there. I mean, it's not their job to all come across town to meet you. If it's further for you then that's your problem. My friends live in different parts of town, sometimes I want to stay local and so do they, if I want to see them I have to drive or else get 2 trains across to the other side of the city. Why must they always cater to you? That sounds like you want it all your own way. And if you DO come across like that to them I can't blame them for not really bothering. You're an adult, if it's a longer distance or you don't drive or whatever, well... that's your problem, not theirs.

If you DO live abroad, I can only repeat. All the Irish I meet here have the same problem, they just CLING FOR DEAR LIFE to what is going on at home. I just don't get it. I love my friends back home dearly but I'm not with them every day or on nights out ever weekend with them. When I'm home, I go to see them and join what they are doing because I want to see them but we don't talk and skype and FB all the time, we have new friends here we both live now... but it's like an Irish thing, people just won't go and make new friends where they live, they want to cling to everything back home and it's terrible. I tried it for a few months being up at all hours of the night to cater to skyping other people and watching all the Irish sports to stay in touch and I just was wrecked... I was living on Irish time and to Irish peoples schedules back in Ireland and having no life where I lived now so I had to stop and begin building a new life where I am.

todders

I think I see what the problem is....

Big Bag of Chips

todders, you've posted twice in this thread and neither post offered any advice.

Each forum has it's own rules, and you should familiarise yourself with them before posting.

Please read the Personal Issues Charter stickied at the top of the Forum before posting again. Breaches of the Charter regularly result in posting rights for this forum being removed.

JoePdw

may be you are annoying?

Neyite

JoePdw wrote: »

may be you are annoying?

Banned for a month.

amtc

I've recently got back in touch with a old friend, who is now living with someone. Neither of us have other close girlie friends, and when I picked them up from holidays, he made himself scarce. She was dying for a girlie chat. I thought it was really nice and respectful of him to do that. I had picked up the basics for them, so he was busy making dinner, and just left us to it. She worried I thought it was rude - honestly I've met the guy five times and I still couldn't pick him out in a crowd.

If the guy is making comments about you, say it to him AND your friend. My best mate is a guy and I said something to his girlfriend which was completely innocent - he'd been over to my house but obviously hadn't told her - and it caused WW3. I mean he was fixing a light for me, at 2pm on a Monday before meeting her parents at 2.30pm...but she accused him of all sorts. I know the guy 20 years. I know her as long. But not being in the same room when I mentioned it caused all sorts of rows.

The other thing is, things do change. I have a guy friend who was my best mate. We used to talk for a hour every night - now he's married with two kids. Haven't heard from him in 2 months and he forgot my birthday....but he's got other priorities. Doesn't mean we're any less of mates!

LegacyUser

Honestly, I feel you really need to re-think your perception of your friendship.

You don't live near your friends anymore. They socialise together. To passive-aggressively expect them to arrange things to suit you re location when you drop back into their lives is, IMO, unreasonable.

You call the husband bullying; it reads to me more like he has little in common with you and so leaves his partner to it with you. Reads to me less like bullying; more like he doesn't want to fake it.

I think you may be taking the previous two points very defensively, and interpreting his attempts at banter as bullying. And over-reacting in doing so.

You are also attaching a lot of mis-places signifigance to social media. I honestly think that is due to your insecurities, rather than his alleged bad behaviour.

He isn't compelled to like you just because his wife does, and I think you're being very unreasonable, and a bit immature, in labelling him as a bully just because you and he don't see eye-to-eye.

If anything, I think that you, rather than he, are making events socially awkward for the group. I feel that you really do need to re-think your own attitudes OP, before you irretrievably annoy your group of friends with your own neediness

hardCopy

I get on great with my girlfriend's mates but if they call over for a chat I stick around long enough to say hello before ducking out. Sometimes I'll just go into the next room and watch a DVD, I know they wouldn't be able to chat properly with me there.

Is it possible you may have criticised him when talking to your friend, even if you were just agreeing with her when they had a row? Maybe she threw it at him in a row at some point "scobysnacks was right, you're a b******" they subsequently make up and he resents you in the future.

I think you're dead right to regard him insulting your appearance or intelligence as unacceptable, it doesn't sound like witty banter if he's calling you 'retarded'.