Am I being unreasonable?

AM80

I had planned on taking my nephew away for the weekend with my sister. My baby is 6 months old and the plan was that I would leave on a Friday evening at about 6 o clock and return on Sunday evening. I had hoped my partner would mind the baby on Friday evening, give her her feed and put her to bed at 7.00 and then drop her to my brother and his partner at Saturday lunchtime. I would then collect her on Sunday on my way home. I deliberately waited until she is 6 months to go away for the weekend as we've only left her once before for one night with my sister to go to a wedding. My partner is refusing to mind her on the Friday evening. He says that two nights away is too long and that the baby only wants her mammy. He can't understand why I would want to go away for two nights anyway and I should only go for one night.I explained that I haven't seen my nephew in a while and I had promised him this trip when baby was older and before he went back to school. Of course I will miss my baby but I know she will be in good hands and I have no plans to go away again like this in the near future. My partner has made me feel guilty and seem as if I'm abandoning the baby for the weekend but this really isn't the case. Am I being unreasonable?

Moonbeam

It depends,is he being selfish or does he honestly think that it is too early?

CarMe

It sounds to me like he's being totally unreasonable! Why is he dropping the baby to your brother and his wife? The baby is his child and he should be looking forward to spending some quality time and giving you a break.
Unless I'm totally missing something here I find it baffling!

todders

It depends how involved he is generally with the Child, based on his reaction I'm thinking not much.

The whole "a child only wants her mammy" is a cop out in my opinion.

He needs to get the finger out and take some responsibility and once he gets over himself he may realize that this could be a good bonding experience with his child.

Annabananna

Hey your partner is been selfish but maybe there is more to it he may think you are leaving the baby too early but you need to sit down and discuss this and point out that you are doing this and if he wants to mind the baby on his own then he is more then welcome he may feel that you don't trust him to mind the baby all weekend on his own.

But you need a break I left my first eight days after been born for two nights it was meant to be one but with bad snow we couldn't get back for almost three days my second one I had a wedding two weeks after she was born and my husband said since it was my family and we had no babysitter as his family don't mind our kids that I was to go he even booked me a room so I could stay over and relax.

Big Bag of Chips

Does he do much, in general, with the baby? Does he make up dinners, bottles, bath her, change her etc or do you do most of that?

8 years down the road I can look back at where I went wrong When we had our first baby, my husband was great. Wanted to feed and change him, helped with baths etc, until little by little I took it all over! It was gradual, and always sort of "sure I'll do it". Partly because I loved it, partly because he might have done things slightly different, and in my mind, my way was the best way

So roll on a few months and another baby and I am doing almost 100% of the work with the kids.. because my husband's confidence was knocked by me "taking over" and not allowing him to find his own feet. If I went into town I'd be rushing home so as he wouldn't be left on his own with them for too long... That sort of thing

Of course 2 nights away shouldn't be a problem, especially if your brother is taking her one night. But does your partner feel this undermines him a bit? Is he working or something on the second night, or have you organised for someone else to take the baby, because he "can't cope"?

Very often in situations like this, there's more to it than just one side being unreasonable.

pwurple

Oh for goodness sake. Is he the child's parent? If yes, then it is time to do some parenting.

My husband tried that at the start. "oh but you are so much better at putting her to bed". Of course I am, cos I got all the practice! That comment signalled time for a week straight of him doing bedtime.

Now we are both equally good at all of it.

It's his baby too. Let him do bedtime on his own for the rest of the week with you there. He's probably a bit nervous about messing it up.

December2012

Why isn't he taking care of the baby all weekend?

How Strange

I'd also wonder why he isn't taking care of the baby for the whole weekend. It seems a bit strange that he'd just pop in to do bedtime.

Oral Slang

I wouldn't have left my daughter at 6 months for 2 nights, but that's just me personally - I left her for 1 night when she was 9 months & I couldn't get home quick enough to her. I do think they fret a bit for their mammies, she cried everytime I left her alone for even a few minutes for about a week after I got back, so that'd be my big concern leaving them for 2 nights, although I do know others that have done it and have had no regrets.

If he's genuinely concerned about the baby missing you that's one thing, but if not, then as the others said, it's your responsibility equally and you seem to have everything worked out child minding wise. I'd imagine the baby would settle better in their own house, so ideally it'd be better for him to mind for 2 days, but obviously he might have work or other commitments which may prohibit this.

CarMe

Oral Slang wrote: »

I wouldn't have left my daughter at 6 months for 2 nights, but that's just me personally - I left her for 1 night when she was 9 months & I couldn't get home quick enough to her. I do think they fret a bit for their mammies,.

God this is just shaming and unhelpful, it's crazy the amount of times women feel the need to state "Oh well I COULDN'T do x, y or z but now, that's l just me" honestly one thing motherhood has taught me is that there's no "sisterhood" it in, just an awful lot of judgement!

Oral Slang

CarMe wrote: »

God this is just shaming and unhelpful, it's crazy the amount of times women feel the need to state "Oh well I COULDN'T do x, y or z but now, that's l just me" honestly one thing motherhood has taught me is that there's no "sisterhood" it in, just an awful lot of judgement!

How is it either shaming & unhelpful. The op is asking for honest opinions & I've given mine. I know mammies that have left their kids overnight & they've been fine, but as I said when I did it my daughter fretted for me. It's totally up to her what she decides to do and I'm sure whatever decision she comes to will be fine for her, but I'm not going to just say what she'd like to hear rather than what my opinion is, what would be the point of her questions if that was the case?

Motherhood shouldn't be seen a sisterhood anyway, parenting should be done as a team, mother & father together (if both parents are around obviously), so both parents in this case need to talk this through & come to an amicable decision.

CarMe

Oral Slang wrote: »

How is it either shaming & unhelpful. The op is asking for honest opinions & I've given mine. I know mammies that have left their kids overnight & they've been fine, but as I said when I did it my daughter fretted for me. It's totally up to her what she decides to do and I'm sure whatever decision she comes to will be fine for her, but I'm not going to just say what she'd like to hear rather than what my opinion is, what would be the point of her questions if that was the case?

Motherhood shouldn't be seen a sisterhood anyway, parenting should be done as a team, mother & father together (if both parents are around obviously), so both parents in this case need to talk this through & come to an amicable decision.

It's shaming and unhelpful because your comments have absolutely nothing to do with the original post. If you read the OPs post again you will see that she didn't mention having an issue with leaving the child for two nights, the issue she is seeking advice on is her partners reaction and asking is she being reasonable. So your comments about how you couldn't leave your child for two nights are just bizarre because it has nothing to do with anything just strikes me as a pointless little dig.

AM80

Thanks for your replies everyone. I wasn't expecting so many! I think it's a combination of him genuinely feeling it might be too early but also not being confident at minding her on his own and not wanting the responsibility of it. I obviously wouldn't just hand her over to anyone and I know she will be well cared for by my brother. She's a good baby and settles easily at night so I don't think it would be too much hassle for him either. My brother has two of his own children and we both trust him and his wife. I know I'll have them tormented by checking up on her often!
My partner is actually going away on the Saturday night to meet up with his friends so that's why my brother is minding her. I had initially arranged for my brother to mind the baby both nights. But when my partner said I shouldn't go for two nights that's when I suggested he could mind her.
I also told him that I was looking forward to the break and his response was that I shouldn't need a break nod that one night should be enough and now that we're parents our priorities have to change. I think this is what has upset me the most. I obviously love my child to bits and will miss her. But it's not as if I'll be leaving her again any time soon and I couldn't love and care for her any more if I tried! To be honest, the good is gone out of the weekend now. My sister said there's not much point in me coming up on Saturday as they will be gone for the day with my nephew and we'll be coming home on the Sunday.
To answer another query, I'm the one who does most of the parenting. I found it very tough at the start. I breastfed, which was tough going for me. My partner wasn't much help at the time. I brought it up with him afterwards. It took us to have a row before he realised how tough and hard I found things at the start. He is better now but doesn't seem to want to mind the baby on his own. I went away on a few days trips for a few hours and I always suggested he should mind the baby himself. But he always took her out to him mother for her to help him.
I'm painting him in a bad light. He's a good person and loves his daughter but I guess I thought we work would work more as a team together. Apologies for the essay!!

Sligo1

My little fella is 9 months. His daddy minded him for 2 nights when he was 5 months old so I could go to my hen party. He coped :-).Then he stayed with his granny the night I got married. Then he also stayed with his granny for a week when He was 8 months so I could have a honeymoon. I look after my baby 7 days a week 24 hours a day. And although I missed him terribly and couldn't wait to get back to him... Damn I was glad to get away aswell. It's normal to need a break OP. I would say the general population would agree. You need and DESERVE your 2 nights away. No you are not being unreasonable. He is the babies dad and should be taking some responsibility. Perhaps he is worried or scared. But even then.... Weren't we all when we became mums for the first time! To me... It's not a good enough excuse. But that's just IMO.

CarMe

Don't worry about how you're painting him, I'm sure he's brilliant in other ways but you should really push for him to improve in this particular area. Have a proper open chat with him and find out what exactly the problem is, is he unsure of himself as a new dad? I was very unsure of myself when I had my daughter and it can be quite crippling but he should talk about it instead of blaming you and trying to make you feel guilty about doing something totally normal!
Have a chat but definitely definitely go!

Sligo1

AM80 wrote: »

Thanks for your replies everyone. I wasn't expecting so many! I think it's a combination of him genuinely feeling it might be too early but also not being confident at minding her on his own and not wanting the responsibility of it. I obviously wouldn't just hand her over to anyone and I know she will be well cared for by my brother. She's a good baby and settles easily at night so I don't think it would be too much hassle for him either. My brother has two of his own children and we both trust him and his wife. I know I'll have them tormented by checking up on her often!
My partner is actually going away on the Saturday night to meet up with his friends so that's why my brother is minding her. I had initially arranged for my brother to mind the baby both nights. But when my partner said I shouldn't go for two nights that's when I suggested he could mind her.
I also told him that I was looking forward to the break and his response was that I shouldn't need a break nod that one night should be enough and now that we're parents our priorities have to change. I think this is what has upset me the most. I obviously love my child to bits and will miss her. But it's not as if I'll be leaving her again any time soon and I couldn't love and care for her any more if I tried! To be honest, the good is gone out of the weekend now. My sister said there's not much point in me coming up on Saturday as they will be gone for the day with my nephew and we'll be coming home on the Sunday.
To answer another query, I'm the one who does most of the parenting. I found it very tough at the start. I breastfed, which was tough going for me. My partner wasn't much help at the time. I brought it up with him afterwards. It took us to have a row before he realised how tough and hard I found things at the start. He is better now but doesn't seem to want to mind the baby on his own. I went away on a few days trips for a few hours and I always suggested he should mind the baby himself. But he always took her out to him mother for her to help him.
I'm painting him in a bad light. He's a good person and loves his daughter but I guess I thought we work would work more as a team together. Apologies for the essay!!

Just after reading your post there... Amd I think it's actually very insulting for your husband to say you shouldn't need a break or that one night should be enough. Maybe I'm just a bit of a tyrant. And I can definitely assert myself with my husband... But I would take great offence at that and would stop him dead in his tracks. I am 30 now and pregnant again. And have studied and worked damn hard my entire life. I graduated at 21 and held down a permanent position for the last 10 years! And being a mother is the hardest, most tiring, physically amd emotionally exhausting job I have ever had! Of course it is the most rewarding... However, it can also be very lonely at times! Of course you need a bloody break! Sorry... I'm actually getting really worked up and nearly angry by what your husband said to you..... Sorry... But I wouldn't put up with that crap for a second! God I'd have my husband in the spare room for a week if he tried that line on me.... But maybe I'm just hormonal coz I'm pregnant again.... Lol. :-)

Oral Slang

CarMe wrote: »

It's shaming and unhelpful because your comments have absolutely nothing to do with the original post. If you read the OPs post again you will see that she didn't mention having an issue with leaving the child for two nights, the issue she is seeking advice on is her partners reaction and asking is she being reasonable. So your comments about how you couldn't leave your child for two nights are just bizarre because it has nothing to do with anything just strikes me as a pointless little dig.

Each to their own really, but I think it's rude of you to say that my personal opinion is shaming & unhelpful. Obviously you have different views to me, but that's all they are. She says her partner thinks she'd be abandoning her baby if she left it for 2 days. I certainly don't think she'd be abandoning her child, but just gave my own perspective of how my daughter reacted. Everyone is entitled to their opinion & that's all I gave.

Op, hopefully you'll get it sorted & can enjoy your 2 days away.

How Strange

Op he'll still be bringing the baby to his mothers when he's a toddler and he's looking after him. That doesn't change

We're on our 2nd, I'm breastfeeding, I'm exhausted, I need a break and my husband (who is actually a fantastic partner otherwise) carries on like he's oblivious. He was great at the start when we came out of hospital but he's quite good at pretending not to notice if she's not sleeping during the night etc. I think he's also afraid to be left on his own with her never mind being left on his own with the two of them.

We had similar issues on our son and all I can say is it passes. I think most (not all) men aren't great with little babies. They don't do anything and they can't play with them etc. my husband came into his own around this time last year when I got pregnant again because he had to. He would bring our son off a lot at the weekends although they definitely saw a lot of his granny!

I think the first 6 months of being a parent is tough going. Go on your weekend away and do your best to enjoy it. You'll miss your son and feel guilty but that's all part of being a mum. You'd feel like that even if your husband was on board with the whole thing.

CarMe

Oral Slang wrote: »

Each to their own really, but I think it's rude of you to say that my personal opinion is shaming & unhelpful. Obviously you have different views to me, but that's all they are. She says her partner thinks she'd be abandoning her baby if she left it for 2 days. I certainly don't think she'd be abandoning her child, but just gave my own perspective of how my daughter reacted. Everyone is entitled to their opinion & that's all I gave.

Op, hopefully you'll get it sorted & can enjoy your 2 days away.

I have no issue with your opinion at all, just the weird irrelevant context you delivered it.

Ms2011

The only way your daughter is going to get over the fretting when you're not there is if you OH takes up oppurtunities like this to bond with her one on one.
If I left my son for a week with his dad he'd be none the wiser I was gone as his dad has always done 50 percent of the childcare especially during the early days of night feeds & really early wake ups, they were always taken in turns & I'm hugely grateful for that as I didn't feel the burden of care was constantly on my shoulders.
You are more than entitled to 2 nights away, you've dedicated your life to your child for the past 15 months (including the pregnancy) the least you should get is 2 nights to let your hair down.

vitani

Him telling you that you shouldn't need a break has me spitting. The first six months of my daughter's life were the most stressful, tiring time of my life. It's not just the physical act of caring for a baby, it's the fact that you stop being a person in your own right. Everything you do, every single day, revolves around your child. You can never put yourself first, and that is so exhausting.

You shouldn't even have to justify your posts by saying that you'll miss her and will be checking up on her. It's not a bad thing to want some time to yourself, and the fact that your partner is making you feel guilty about this really angers me.

Sligo1

vitani wrote: »

Him telling you that you shouldn't need a break has me spitting. The first six months of my daughter's life were the most stressful, tiring time of my life. It's not just the physical act of caring for a baby, it's the fact that you stop being a person in your own right. Everything you do, every single day, revolves around your child. You can never put yourself first, and that is so exhausting.

You shouldn't even have to justify your posts by saying that you'll miss her and will be checking up on her. It's not a bad thing to want some time to yourself, and the fact that your partner is making you feel guilty about this really angers me.

+1!!!... Exactly what I was trying to say... But you said it a lot better!

pwurple

That's funny, he doesn't bat an eyelid about going away for the night, but it's a big deal if you do.

How Strange

pwurple I thought that too!

Borboletinha

CarMe wrote: »

God this is just shaming and unhelpful, it's crazy the amount of times women feel the need to state "Oh well I COULDN'T do x, y or z but now, that's l just me" honestly one thing motherhood has taught me is that there's no "sisterhood" it in, just an awful lot of judgement!

SO TRUE!!! It starts with our mums and mothers in law and it just goes on and on from there. It gets on my nerves so much I tend to isolate myself. So hard to be offered help and support so easy to be offered criticism and judgement.

iguana

CarMe wrote: »

I have no issue with your opinion at all, just the weird irrelevant context you delivered it.

I didn't think it was irrelevant or weird. I thought Oral Slang was giving her opinion in a way that possibly tried to get into the head of the OP's husband in an attempt to give an insight into what he might have been thinking. It wasn't the slightest bit judgemental or against 'the sisterhood.'

Sligo1

iguana wrote: »

I didn't think it was irrelevant or weird. I thought Oral Slang was giving her opinion in a way that possibly tried to get into the head of the OP's husband in an attempt to give an insight into what he might have been thinking. It wasn't the slightest bit judgemental or against 'the sisterhood.'

I think it's pretty irrelevant tbh. Whether it was to provide insight or not... Even if the husband was thinking that IMO he needs to get away from that line of thinking and pretty damn quickly as its not helpful to either parent. A mother and a father should each be able to care for their child whether the other is away for a day, a week or a year. Fretting babies because mammy isn't around is a learnt behaviour and will help no one in the long run.

bp

I left my at the time almost six month old at home for two nights. Best thing ever! I got a break from being a mammy and OH (who is brilliant I must say) was glad to prove he could do it alone.

Yes I missed the baby like crazy and fretted but I relaxed and had fun! I left a schedule and enough dinners for the three days!

Just do it! He gets time away so should you! You are neither selfish or a bad mother. Does him going away for a night make him a bad father? Nope!

Relax and enjoy

iguana

Sligo1 wrote: »

Fretting babies because mammy isn't around is a learnt behaviour

Not from a biological standpoint it isn't. It's 100% natural for such a baby at that age to fret when apart from their mother for 2 days. At 6 months most babies are start to develop a natural separation anxiety as they have just started to realise that their mother is a different person rather than an extension of themselves and often get anxious when she leaves the room for a minute. It's completely normal human behaviour and not at all 'learnt.' That doesn't mean the OP shouldn't go away for the break she needs but it would still be reasonable to consider exactly why her husband would feel like he does. It's a marriage, they don't work very well if one partner just says, 'I'm right, you're wrong and how you might feel is irrelevant.' Considering where her husband might be coming from and finding a way to discuss his issues so they can come to an agreement with each other would be the best solution.

Now since Oral Slang posted her comments the OP has come back and given more insight into her husband's feelings. So in light of that OS's attempt to guess what he might have been feeling has shown up to be wrong, so what she was saying is now not so relevant but in the context of what she knew when she made the comments it was completely so. The only thing that's at all irrelevant to the discussion are the comments being made to tear her down and they, ironically, are actually being guilty of exactly what she is being erroneously accused of but in a much nastier way.

Sligo1

iguana wrote: »

Not from a biological standpoint it isn't. It's 100% natural for such a baby at that age to fret when apart from their mother for 2 days. At 6 months most babies are start to develop a natural separation anxiety as they have just started to realise that their mother is a different person rather than an extension of themselves and often get anxious when she leaves the room for a minute. It's completely normal human behaviour and not at all 'learnt.' That doesn't mean the OP shouldn't go away for the break she needs but it would still be reasonable to consider exactly why her husband would feel like he does. It's a marriage, they don't work very well if one partner just says, 'I'm right, you're wrong and how you might feel is irrelevant.' Considering where her husband might be coming from and finding a way to discuss his issues so they can come to an agreement with each other would be the best solution.

Now since Oral Slang posted her comments the OP has come back and given more insight into her husband's feelings. So in light of that OS's attempt to guess what he might have been feeling has shown up to be wrong, so what she was saying is now not so relevant but in the context of what she knew when she made the comments it was completely so. The only thing that's at all irrelevant to the discussion are the comments being made to tear her down and they, ironically, are actually being guilty of exactly what she is being erroneously accused of but in a much nastier way.

Yes separation anxiety is a normal behaviour, however iguana it is definitely not just associated with mammies leaving the room or mammies going away for a day. It can also be associated with dad also leaving. and a lot of the time (not all the time) if dad has been present and taken just as much responsibility as mum then the separation can be alleviated hugely by having dad present while mum is not there. It has been proven that although separation anxiety is a normal part of development that there are many many ways to alleviate this... so baby is not "fretting" constantly. eg. get baby used to being with dad would be one of the ways. If the separation anxiety continues after the period a baby should have outgrown it i would definitely associated this with it now being a "learnt" behaviour as the parents have not taken any measure to alleviate the behaviour or perhaps the baby has not grown out of it for reasons of their own.

TBH iguana, most of what you say is very correct. However, i have to disagree with the fact that you think some comments posted have been used in a nasty manner towards Oral Slang. I can see why say posters would think it was a holier than thou attitude. OS initially came on saying she wouldnt leave her LO for 2 days...and although that is her perogative the OP has already stated that leaving her LO for 2 days is not where her issue lies... its regarding her husbands thoughts on this. So OS initial few words are actually irrevelant... However, the rest of his/her post does have relevance. But the first couple lines definitely do not have relevance to the OPs question.

Anyway, i dont wanna argue, thats just my 2 cents be it right or wrong. People can agree or disagree. But this is my opinion. People will always have different opinions on what nasty/not nasty/right/wrong etc...