Monday Funnies

MonkieSocks

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a Huge promotion at work which means,
I get my own office and I get to employ My own private secretary.

"Well you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she said

"I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with."

"That's fair enough" I replied "When can you start?"

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A guy goes to a beekeeper and says

"I want to start my own hive, can I have ten bees please?

The beekeeper hands over a jar with some bees in it.

The guy examines the jar and says "excuse me, you've given me eleven bees".

The beekeepers replies "I know, one of them's a freebee"

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The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a Doctor as she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

But the years went by and he continued to rip them out.

Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.

she took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what the matter was.

He said, 'honey you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you'.

'What do you mean?” asked his wife,

'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of god; with some vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.”