Anyone not want kids?

seenitall

Zambia wrote: »

The pressure people exert is because they need allies.

Kids are hard work, but two kids and two adults is less work.
Having friends who have kids is great because you can leave your kids with them in a tight spot. They are child qualified as they have kids.

People with kids seek out others with kids so they can assist them in controlling their own kids. They can't go back to being child free so their only option is to bring you into the kiddy cult.

I don't believe a word of this, I think it's pure reaching (sorry). I would also hope it isn't true about how most people behave! As you say, kids can be hard work and I would never wish having kids on anyone who I wouldn't see as completely ready and willing to have them, for their own reasons, and nothing to do with my child-care needs, for heaven's sake.

Also, so many times people who really don't need or want any childcare in their lives will be the ones most vocal with exerting pressure, i.e. older people, plain old busiebodies, people with teenagers etc. It's not just people with small kids who are at it!

This is worth quoting once more (from Whispered):

"I've been accused of not loving my husband, not being secure enough in our relationship, having something wrong with me both physically, so I'm compensating by telling myself I don't want kids and mentally, sure what type of woman doesn't want kids. I've been finding it increasingly difficult to keep my patience with people and their opinions on our childless state."

It's, in a word, appalling. Anyone else appalled, or is it just me?

It should be none of anyone else's business to say such personal, offensive things to a person (around most other, shall we say smaller, things, I find the Irish people as a whole very delicate, very PC if you will), yet around this topic, a childless/childfree couple is fair game, and the pressure is ON.

The heart of the matter (and the most depressing thing) is that I have now come to believe that mostly these people aren't even being malicious - they're trying to be kind. They want to help a seriously lost lamb find its way, so to speak. They have no clue what they are saying. That's because this is a deeply, deeply culturally ingrained idea; go forth and multiply. You simply have to want it, otherwise you are literally demonstrating to them a whole different lifestyle choice to the one that has been drilled into them as the proper one, and that, to such people, is a very challenging thing to take on board.

I grew up in a country where the norm, for a very long time now, has been to have 1 or 2 children, and childless women aren't freaks of nature either. After I had my baby and might have mentioned that she would unfortunately most likely stay an only child, there'd sometimes be funny looks and words to the effect of "stop talking crazy with wanting another, shur don't you have your plate full as it is, oh god the HASSLE of it, I only had one and that was too much". As I said, the power of conditioning.

Rosy Posy

meeeeh wrote: »

I'm was like that and I still am up to an extent. If I'm not ooooing and aaaaing over neighbor's brats it doesn't mean I don't love my children or that I was pressurized into having them. But I have no problem admitting that I prefer putting together Lego helicopter than sitting on a mat with a squiggly toy and grinning like an idiot. Puppies and babies grow up, and some of us are better suited dealing with a bit older ones. And some are not. Oh and btw, I want to work and I know plenty of people who still want to work. Just because some of us don't want to be stay at home mums it doesn't mean we were pressurized by society into having children. people really should respect that not everybody is the same or has the same lifestyle.

I absolutely respect that and I'm not commenting on your situation or how you feel about your children. I was just citing one example of a friend who always said she didn't want kids, everyone said 'you'll change your mind' and eventually was bullied into it by family and society. I think its a shame that people (and her OH and MIL are the prime culprits) couldn't accept this and let her make that decision. She doesn't like babies, she doesn't particularly like older kids either.

I also know a few SAHM's who use the tv as a babysitter and will pawn their kids off to anyone at any opportunity because they're just not that into it either.

The decision to work or stay at home should be judgement free and has no bearing on how much anyone loves their children, I'm very sorry if my post came across to the contrary.

pwurple

Deleted User wrote: »

I worked with a woman who returned from maternity leave early, such was her desperation to get away from her child.

What in the red heck is that about? I returned to work early from maternity leave. I wasn't desperate to get away from my child. Some of us can't afford to not work. I don't get paid leave.

Plus, I bloody like my job. I make no apologies for that, and why should anyone else. I studied damn hard to get into a career that I really enjoy and am good at. That is no reflection on how much I love my child.

Jesus like. How judgmental can you get? I don't regret my child for a nanosecond. I've another on the way I like the last one so much.

pwurple

pwurple wrote: »

What in the red heck is that about? I returned to work early from maternity leave. I wasn't desperate to get away from my child. Some of us can't afford to not work. I don't get paid leave.

Plus, I bloody like my job. I make no apologies for that, and why should anyone else. I studied damn hard to get into a career that I really enjoy and am good at. That is no reflection on how much I love my child.

Jesus like. How judgmental can you get? I don't regret my child for a nanosecond. I've another on the way I like the last one so much.

She told me! She didn't love her job and was on full pay on leave.
She subsequently told me, after a few drinks, that she didn't think she was cut out to be a mother.
Her child was 6 at this point.

Believe it or not, some people aren't cut out for parenting and some regret having kids.

I acutely think it parents who are most judged in todays society not wanting to have children would not be seen as unnatural at most it would be looked on by some people as a bit out side the norm.

I find it is parents who say I don't like the baby stage or I am so glad I am not at home with them all day, I like adult company or someone I know who rather naively told people that she and her husband put the children to bed so her and her husband can have some private time together. Parenting is very harshly judged in our culture.

pwurple

Deleted User wrote: »

She told me! She didn't love her job and was on full pay on leave.
She subsequently told me, after a few drinks, that she didn't think she was cut out to be a mother.
Her child was 6 at this point.

Believe it or not, some people aren't cut out for parenting and some regret having kids.

There is a huge difference between saying you are not cut out for parenting (because all of us have those days), and actually regretting the childs existance.

pwurple

pwurple wrote: »

There is a huge difference between saying you are not cut out for parenting (because all of us have those days), and actually regretting the childs existance.

Yes I know that and I agree with you. You can also love a child and regret how your life has changed since having them.

There is more to this particular parent than I want to post here.
Suffice to say she is not the first or only mother who regrets certain choices she made in life.
It's the ultimate taboo, regretting a child or children.

If someone is certain they want to stay child free then it's a wise choice to follow their gut.

username123

Deleted User wrote: »

Believe it or not, some people aren't cut out for parenting and some regret having kids.

Yeah. My mother regretted having kids actually. Not that she didn't love us, but there were no choices for her then other than get married and have kids. After 2 she secretly had a coil fitted. Had it been a different time she probably wouldn't have had children.

I do know some other people who have regretted it. Again, not that they don't love the kids, but generally they hate parenting, they are miserable, resentful and moany ALL the time regarding their kids, they often comment about how I wouldnt know how hard it is or how lucky I am or how they haven't had a proper nights sleep in 8 years etc. They just don't seem to derive any joy at all from being a parent. It's a sad state of affairs, especially for the poor kids who are constantly being told to be elsewhere.

meeeeh

While I think some really have hard time being a parent, the 'poor me' moaning is more like a badge of honour than a complaint that should be taken seriously. My mother was a carer to both of her parents and while my eldest can be a bit of a handful, my mum had much harder job. People, me included, like to moan. Half of the 'I wish I was single and free...' statements can't be taken seriously. More often than not those who really regret it won't say it because they know how big of an admittance it is.

Anyway five munutes for popular completely unsupported with fact psychology are over and I should do some work out. Did I mention that I have absolutely no time for myself since I had kids?

username123

meeeeh wrote: »

People, me included, like to moan. Half of the 'I wish I was single and free...' statements can't be taken seriously. More often than not those who really regret it won't say it because they know how big of an admittance it is.

There is a difference between normal moaning and people who are so unhappy they are seeking medical attention for it (or should be). We all know people who just have regular moans.

mayobumblebee

both me and the other half dont want children
does anyone elce find that if its the man that says it its fine but if the woman says it all sorts of comments are made.

Sunny Dayz

What's worse than saying you don't want children? Having one and not wanting another.

I have one of school age. Myself and the other half have been married a couple of years and there's this general unspoken "anything stirring", someone greets you on the street you haven't seen in a few months and they look at your stomach, or mentioning someone who had a baby/is expecting and the person got married in the same year as you or after you. I actually overheard a friend's partner say to my son, "do you want a little bro/sis, you should ask your mum for one".

We have one, I hadn't planned on it but I wouldn't change him for the world, couldn't imagine where I would be without the little mite. But I have no desire for anymore. We manage our lives quite well with one child, I don't know how we could manage two in terms of childminding, costs, time etc.

vitani

^ Same here. I have one, who I adore, but have no desire to have any more. Even though I'm a single parent, I still get people telling me I'll have to get a move on and find a man so that I can give my child a brother or sister. Eh, no thanks.

pwurple

I don't know where people get off inquiring about reproduction. It's so personal. I had just had a miscarriage (that week) and some dumbass asked me was I planning a child yet, as my first was age 2. I had to race to the loo in tears and let husband fend them off. He was pretty upset too.

I would never in a million years ask anyone if they were going to, or wanted to, or whatever. You don't know what hurt you can be causing. I know infertile couples who have nearly earned a skin of steel from putting up with it.

Ms2011

What I found v.rude when I was pregnant was the amount of people who asked if the pregnancy was planned, I was literally speechless the first time I was asked!
I would never have the nerve to ask someone something so personal!

Sunny Dayz

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

What's worse than saying you don't want children? Having one and not wanting another.

Oh yes. Having none is possibly more acceptable to idiots than having one.
We have one with no desire whatsoever to have another. We're perfectly happy as a unit of three.
Despite this the world and its mother cannot seem to comprehend how we could be happy with one. We love life as it is.

It throws up all sorts of banal statements about "giving a sibling", "siblings are the greatest gift", "being lonely" etc.
Whatever about pressure to have a child, the pressure to provide another is immense.

Ms2011

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Oh yes. Having none is possibly more acceptable to idiots than having one.
We have one with no desire whatsoever to have another. We're perfectly happy as a unit of three.
Despite this the world and its mother cannot seem to comprehend how we could be happy with one. We love life as it is.

It throws up all sorts of banal statements about "giving a sibling", "siblings are the greatest gift", "being lonely" etc.
Whatever about pressure to have a child, the pressure to provide another is immense.

Don't forget "an only child is a lonely child", that's the one that gets trotted out to me all the time!!

Chattastrophe!

Ms2011 wrote: »

What I found v.rude when I was pregnant was the amount of people who asked if the pregnancy was planned, I was literally speechless the first time I was asked!
I would never have the nerve to ask someone something so personal!

Yep, I've gotten that severaI times! I don't mind when it's close friends asking me - it's to be expected - but I've gotten that question off several colleagues/acquaintances that I wouldn't be close to, and I'm really taken aback by it every time. What, they actually expect me to chat to them about my sex life and what methods of contraception we may/may not have been using? I'm never really sure how to answer that one!

Neyite

*pause*
*stare*
"That's a very personal question to ask someone, isn't it?"
*stare some more*

That was my stock answer and still is now I'm being pestered for a sibling.

Lucyfur

My son is nearly 11.

I'm newly married.

Sweet swinging jesus. It's EVERY DAY at the school gates.

''wink wink, nudge nudge. Any news?''

Anyway, on topic. I know several couples who don't have nor want children. I see absolutely nothing wrong with their decision. What I find utterly bonkers, is the people who take issue with these child-free couples. What difference does it make to their life, if Joe and Mary decide not to have children?

Lucyfur

Lucyfur wrote: »

''wink wink, nudge nudge. Any news?''

"Yes, I had a lovely cup of tea this morning. It was amazing. How about you?"*


What is wrong with these people



*Actually my first thought was to be awfully crude, guaranteed no more questions ever...

Lucyfur

bluewolf wrote: »

"Yes, I had a lovely cup of tea this morning. It was amazing. How about you?"*


What is wrong with these people



*Actually my first thought was to be awfully crude, guaranteed no more questions ever...

Oh feck being polite. I launch into talk that makes them wish they never asked. And will hopefully stop them asking others.

Sunny Dayz

It's the "deciding not to have children", the actual decision, of one's own free will and sound state of mind that people don't understand.
it is just assumed that Mary and Joe couldn't have kids rather than they have chosen not to have them.

LegacyUser

Some people seem to think a woman is not happy until they have children but why bring a child into the world just to please another person or family/friends.
Why have a child when you know that you are not maternal or your not willing to accept that having a child will change your life. To me a child should be wanted by both parents.

One of my friends had a baby via ivf when she was almost 40 and I never saw a couple as happy to have a child. She told me I will only have one child because of my age.
She said that if you have a child/children you have to consider the cost of bringing them up and putting them through college.

Some people have no common sense at all in the questions they ask or the comments they make. Asking some one was there baby planned ( none of your business), asking some one are they pregnant yet? ( when so many people have problems in this area).
I have a few friend who have 2 or 3 children of the same sex and they have heard you must be disapointed to have another boy/girl.
As one friend of mine said am lucky to have healthy children as a lot of people don't.

Millicent

Deleted User wrote: »

Yes I know that and I agree with you. You can also love a child and regret how your life has changed since having them.

There is more to this particular parent than I want to post here.
Suffice to say she is not the first or only mother who regrets certain choices she made in life.
It's the ultimate taboo, regretting a child or children.

If someone is certain they want to stay child free then it's a wise choice to follow their gut.

My mother had four kids when she was barely finished being a kid herself. It was just what you did in her generation/home town. I was acutely aware of the fact that my mother regretted not doing more with her life, not achieving more before kids came along. She didn't hide it particularly well and actually used it as ammunition at some points.

Growing up with that knowledge--or even just a suspicion that you weren't incredibly wanted--can wreck a child's self esteem. And I was a planned one! I can only imagine how my siblings who were "accidents" must have felt. So from an early age, I made the decision that I would not have a child until I was absolutely ready and was sure I wanted one. I didn't think it would be fair to a child to have the feel the same way I did throughout my childhood all the way through to adulthood.

I still don't have kids at 29 and I doubt I will ever want to. I'm not ready to give up my freedom and I haven't achieved all that I want to. I find that perfectly reasonable--I may be biased, of course! --but it amazes how many people insinuate that my attitude and the attitude of women like me is a selfish one. How can it be selfish not to bring a child into the world unless you truly want them?!

I really respect my sister and some friends who are amazing parents--but parenthood is absolutely not for everyone.

Gongoozler

My upbringing would've been very similar to that ^and so yeah would think having children should always be a choice and thought through.
I have decided I don't want children and I'm fairly at peace with that. I do kind of worry that my dad and granny might not like it, granny more so. But won't let it affect me.

I also worry that in future it may be a reason I don't get a job, because I'm of that age.

I wonder what percentage of people have children because it's the done thing, or because of pressure.

IvyTheTerrible

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

What's worse than saying you don't want children? Having one and not wanting another.

I have one of school age. Myself and the other half have been married a couple of years and there's this general unspoken "anything stirring", someone greets you on the street you haven't seen in a few months and they look at your stomach, or mentioning someone who had a baby/is expecting and the person got married in the same year as you or after you. I actually overheard a friend's partner say to my son, "do you want a little bro/sis, you should ask your mum for one".

We have one, I hadn't planned on it but I wouldn't change him for the world, couldn't imagine where I would be without the little mite. But I have no desire for anymore. We manage our lives quite well with one child, I don't know how we could manage two in terms of childminding, costs, time etc.

Oh yeah looks I have been getting now that my son is a year and a half old, and all of a sudden "they" have decided it's time I had another one. I'm almost 100% sure I don't want another one, I have said this, and I'm being told I'm selfish to have an only child, that he'll be lonely. Eh, hello, surely it's more selfish to have a child just to fill some perceived need for an "ideal" family?
I wish people would mind their own business in terms of other people's reproductive choices, whether they want to have no children, 1 child, or 10 children.

mollybird

ya both me and my husband don't want kids either. my best friend had her first at 19 and has never had a life and we have friends who have had some in later life and are quite content but again can't get out as much now due to the kids.

ive never been 100% on having them and my hubbie don't think has ever wanted them. we have a pretty nice life. both of us have grown up in stable homes been loved etc but just have said it's not for us.

we just find it hard now to make friends as most people our age now have kids and cant' go out as much.

ibarelycare

My boyfriend and I are both 28 and neither of us want children. We're both realistic enough to be aware that there might come a day where one of us changes our mind, but we know we'll have to cross that bridge if we come to it. However neither of us sees kids in our future. We both have niblings, who we love, but neither of us are natural kid people, we get exhausted spending any amount of time with our nieces and nephews and we enjoy our lives not being parents. We have lots of dreams for the future involving travelling. Neither of us got to experience that in our 20s so we hope we can build our careers and see as much of the world over the next two decades as we can.



One thing that concerns us a lot is that we know it might be difficult to maintain relationships with those friends of ours who do have children. We would love to set up some sort of group/forum for individuals and couples who don't want to have children!!

seosamh1980

ibarelycare wrote: »

One thing that concerns us a lot is that we know it might be difficult to maintain relationships with those friends of ours who do have children. We would love to set up some sort of group/forum for individuals and couples who don't want to have children!!

We've found it very easy for the most part to maintain friendships with friends with kids. And you get serious brownie points as a childless friend who doesn't mind hanging out with them and their kids!

username123

ibarelycare wrote: »

One thing that concerns us a lot is that we know it might be difficult to maintain relationships with those friends of ours who do have children. We would love to set up some sort of group/forum for individuals and couples who don't want to have children!!

Yes, I have found this difficult. I actively avoid some friends homes now due to their children screaming, being bold, can't hold a conversation etc...
Baby talk bores me and obviously I have nothing to contribute. It depends, some people are baby bores, some are not.

And naturally they are not free as often. I'm not interested in hanging round with people's kids so I never go to social events in people's homes or kids, birthday parties, bouncy castles etc.

I have definitely drifted from some friends with kids, not all.

ibarelycare

username123 wrote: »

Yes, I have found this difficult. I actively avoid some friends homes now due to their children screaming, being bold, can't hold a conversation etc...
Baby talk bores me and obviously I have nothing to contribute. It depends, some people are baby bores, some are not.

And naturally they are not free as often. I'm not interested in hanging round with people's kids so I never go to social events in people's homes or kids, birthday parties, bouncy castles etc.

I have definitely drifted from some friends with kids, not all.

We wouldn't actively distance ourselves from friends who have kids...we don't mind kids and we always say that we really would love to stay friends with our friends who we know will have children in the next few years. But I see with both my sister and her husband, and my brother and his wife, how they just naturally drift towards other parents now that they have kids, and they maintain friendships with other parents much better than with childless friends.

As you say, it just depends on the people though. Some people let their lives revolve around their children, whereas other people have much more balance.

username123

Yeah, it really depends on the people. I suppose I have found it a bit of a shock on some occasions how bold some people's kids are and it would put me off going to their house. Particularly when it's just being ignored by the parents. I did raise an eyebrow with one friend and she freaked out, of course I didn't understand because I don't have kids etc.

I don't just mean a once off, I mean an ongoing situation.

seosamh1980

We are incredibly lucky that all of our friends have very well behaved kids, they're quite strict when the kids are here, they tell us to give out to the kids no problem if they do something wrong, they don't talk about the kids all the time. I think we would distance ourselves from friends who let their children destroy all conversations/situations/furniture.

maria_81

I always assume that I will someday want kids. But it's really just an assumption based on the fact that it seems like its something you would want to do.

I love my nieces and nephews but I also love the fact that I'm not responsible for them 100% of the time.

It's quite a scary prospect having kids, it completely changes your life it seems. I'd be terrified of having kids and then discovering "****, I kind of preferred my old life". Having said that, I've seen it make some people I know very well become alot happier

herisson

I'm undecided. At 22, I know 100% I don't want them this very second. In a few years, it could be a possibility. I'll have to see.

However, my biggest concern about having kids, is whether or not I would be a good mother to them. I am a little scared that I would be a terrible mother that I would sink under the pressure of it. That is the main thing that has me turned off the idea of having kids. Of course I won't know until I actually have them.

So for the moment ill say no, I don't want kids.

Sunny Dayz

Pixie-Fairy wrote: »

I'm undecided. At 22, I know 100% I don't want them this very second. In a few years, it could be a possibility. I'll have to see.

However, my biggest concern about having kids, is whether or not I would be a good mother to them. I am a little scared that I would be a terrible mother that I would sink under the pressure of it. That is the main thing that has me turned off the idea of having kids. Of course I won't know until I actually have them.

So for the moment ill say no, I don't want kids.

You do find that you pick it up as you go along, it's a cliqué to say it comes naturally but you find over time it is! Now the baby/toddler years were hard i thought and I relied a lot on my mother for guidance. But now I think I am more confident. But I still do worry from a medical point of view, now my son is fit and healthy but I don't know when a cough temperature etc should be concerning or not.. And I do look at other mothers and how at ease they are around kids. I am ok with my own but I would be so worried about minding someone elses.

Pawwed Rig

Pixie-Fairy wrote: »

However, my biggest concern about having kids, is whether or not I would be a good mother to them. I am a little scared that I would be a terrible mother that I would sink under the pressure of it. That is the main thing that has me turned off the idea of having kids. Of course I won't know until I actually have them.

The fact that you are even asking yourself that question tells me that you would be a caring mother and would be aware of the needs of the child.
Other than that it is as stated, something you pick up over time. It is something alot of parents worry about

Jack B. Badd

Is anyone else looking forward to being a Childfree "little old lady"?

I'm pushing 30 so not quite at the age yet where people just assume I'm a mother but I've noticed that women of a certain age are just assumed to be grandmothers (bloody social conditioning, I'm guilty of this myself!).At the moment I quite enjoy stomping on people's misconceptions about my status of "mother-to-be" but I have to admit I'm really looking forward to the grandmother stage where I can indulge in some serious brain-breakage

mollybird

ibarelycare wrote: »

My boyfriend and I are both 28 and neither of us want children. We're both realistic enough to be aware that there might come a day where one of us changes our mind, but we know we'll have to cross that bridge if we come to it. However neither of us sees kids in our future. We both have niblings, who we love, but neither of us are natural kid people, we get exhausted spending any amount of time with our nieces and nephews and we enjoy our lives not being parents. We have lots of dreams for the future involving travelling. Neither of us got to experience that in our 20s so we hope we can build our careers and see as much of the world over the next two decades as we can.



One thing that concerns us a lot is that we know it might be difficult to maintain relationships with those friends of ours who do have children. We would love to set up some sort of group/forum for individuals and couples who don't want to have children!!

that was just the thing i was thinking of but i was afraid some people might be offended by it. we really don't have many friends left who don't have kids. would love to make some new friends who are kids free.

shopaholic01

No, don't want any. In fact, I'd rather take 20 years off my life than have a child.

I admire and respect good parents, I really don't know how they do it.

lennyloulou

am 33yr. no desire for kids. all my friends have them or are preggers. I like my life and have cared for 2 sick parents for years. in the last few years I have my life back and am free. I am selfish with my life and hubbie and I are happy with our lifestyle and 1 dog. I can afford to do courses I like, cinema, meals etc. if I had kids I could not afford these. I couldn't care less what people think of us not having kids.

Xidu

I have kids, when I meet friends who do not want kids, I really do not care about it. I think when some peopel comment like "she will change her mind", they are just trying to find something to say, they donot really care about if you want kid or not, Unless they are your parents/in law who want a grandchild.

Femme_Fatale

It's not selfish to not want kids. Being selfish is having no regard for others to the point that it affects them; not having kids affects nobody else.

My parents have just finished minding my six-month-old niece for four days and they are absolutely flat-out. It's very tough-going. Like Shopaholic I have huge respect for parents. And as for single parents: I am in awe. And that's when it only comes to one child. Having a brood, or even just two? Having a multiple birth?! :eek:

The biological clock should be at alarm clock stage for me now, but I seem to be hitting the snooze button repeatedly. :pac:

Never say never - I still have a bit of time, and when I was in relationships, the idea seemed more appealing (but never ever right away) however while I don't definitely not want children, I have never felt a strong want for them either. This year, numerous friends/family of mine have had babies/gotten pregnant and instead of feeling "I'd like that to be me" and a bit of sadness, I think it's great! I'm delighted for them, love seeing their babies, and love handing them back. :pac:
Whereas my friend who's the same age as me and single finds it extremely difficult and it breaks her heart it may not happen for her.

I know there's the rude, thick comments from people to women who don't (and possibly can't) have children, but I also dislike when people say "People have kids to fit in with society" etc. Many people truly long to be parents. I think of my cousin's wife who is 43 and with her husband 15 years, married for eight... and I guess that bird has flown for them. They have great careers, a great life, huge circle of friends and are involved in lots of activities... but I distinctly remember her saying a few years back that she couldn't wait to start a family. It's so, so sad for people in that situation.

i guess i always just assumed i would have them at some stage, now though having got to 38years old :eek::eek: i have just in the last year started seriously thinking about them.

im quite happy to not have them. i was never really maternal anyway and now i have realised that i like my life the way it is, and i really wouldnt like the upheaval and change that a child would bring.

all my friends have kids and i get on great with them, they love me!!:D so im going to be the favorite 'cool' auntie forever, i hope!

i have been asked some extremely personal and cheeky questions in the past though, even by virtual strangers. the last 'older' gent who informed me that i was 'getting on' age wise and would need to get a move on at having a baby was told that i cant have them.
not true, as far as i know, but feck him i was just sick of hearing the same crap!

soon shut him up though:D

Matt Simis

I lurk here and a couple of other places, I dont post here.. but this is a topic dear to my heart so I just felt I had to post even though Im clearly out of my element. I am trying to get a better grasp of the reality of modern society.

I respect the notion we all dont all need to have kids. I dont look down on people that dont have kids. However I really do find the allusion of the title and undercurrent of the thread misses the mark of whats actually common vs uncommon.

It isnt a revelation that there is lots of social acceptance in that modern, educated women dont want to have kids or need to have kids to be "successful". In my experience (and Im just one man, so granted its not like Im out researching this), the most interesting, educated and life partner (slighty cringeworthy term perhaps) quality woman I have met have all, universally, found the idea of having children either terrifying (to bodies, lifestyle and/or career) or just flat out repulsive. The women I meet, in IT, are smart, independent, confident (in many aspects, no one is universally confident), this is their norm. Sure lots of "other woman" who work in these places have kids, but they wouldnt be what I would say personifies the "techie" smart girl, the only type I have interest in.


I did some digging to see if this was just a weird warped perception I'm developing and found that (ok UK and US dominated) there are multitudes of articles on the topic of the Middle Class "breeding itself out of existence". Hyperbole for sure, but very very common.
https://www.google.ie/search?q=middle+class+having+less+kids&client=ubuntu&channel=cs&oq=middle+class+having+less+kids&aqs=chrome.0.69i57.8322j0&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8


TL;DR: I'm a man, Ive always wanted kids but the women Ive met or been with dont. I'm the odd one, the childless modern woman is very much accepted and not a point of derision.

mfceiling

Anyone not want kids?

Me......but i've 3.

Anyone here who does want kids, please check my profile on adverts!!

chaoskitten_DF

I won't be having any at all

I've been like that since I could talk, I don't think my mother can ever recall a time when I was even faintly interested (I come from a happy family and had excellent parents).
I think I'd make a good mother but the fact is that I don't want to be one.
I'm in university and am studying so I can have a good career and a life I can enjoy from it. I don't hate children (I'm quite fond of my partner's young cousins because they're lovely little kids) but I generally find children exhausting and boring to be honest, if not downright annoying at times. I just don't think I could put the energy and patience into it that I'd want to. I need a lot of quiet time and space to unwind so they just wouldn't work for me.
If I regret not having them (which is entirely possible a few decades down the line) I'll try adoption, fostering or volunteering with children's organizations- I don't think I'd need to be a mother to make a difference to a child's life

My partner is not interested either, he has other things he'd rather spend the time, patience and money on.
I refuse to even date someone who wants kids in the future, I don't see the point as it only wastes both's time - that's a fundamental thing couples should agree on I think. It would only end badly I would think.

I'm 21 now and a lot of the people I went to school with are having children already so I'm wondering when the bingos are going to start I'll be polite if people ask if we're planning to have kids in the future (we'll be settling down in a place of our own in the next year or two and we're strongly together nearly two years at this point) because I think it's fine if people ask and I'll simply tell them we're not.
If I encounter anyone who tries the whole 'you'll change your mind' or 'you're too young to know what you want' I'll be a little blunter and say 'I'm sterile actually- by my own doing, so no I won't be having any thanks' :P (I'm actively seeking Essure at the moment and am making great progress).

pwurple

Matt Simi's post is nearly a reason to have children all on its own. It is very easy to think that the world is becoming swamped with people who have offspring only because they are unable to figure out contraception. Those offspring will be voting in elections while we are still alive.

I was exceptionally nervous when I was pregnant first about what kind of parents we would be. I can't stand rude, badly behaved children. I was freaked out that I wouldn't like my own! My primary task is always to show my child how to be civilised and behave without annoying the crap out of people, me included! Simple things that loads of children don't do. How to eat with cutlery, how to say please and thank you, not grab things or hit people. It's not difficult it turns out, but people don't bother or 'let them be children' (wtf? )

I believe that people who can't stand other peoples badly behaved monsters make great parents, because they have such high standards.

meeeeh

chaoskitten_DF wrote: »

If I regret not having them (which is entirely possible a few decades down the line) I'll try adoption, fostering or volunteering with children's organizations- I don't think I'd need to be a mother to make a difference to a child's life
.

A child is not a holiday you book when you feel a bit bored. Especially the one that needs to be fostered. Adoption is extremely hard and when you volunteer you don't deal with easy cases either.