Is it okay to feel the loss of a relative due to Alzheimer's?

certifiedcrepe

My grandmother has Alzheimer's since I was about 11, and the last time I saw her before today was July 2009. I was very upset seeing her in a home so I decided with my parents that I would not see her until I feel ready. And that was today. I had been thinking of going for a while because due to a family wedding ill be seeing her in two weeks as we are visiting the home. Anyway, I'm honestly inconsolable after seeing her the way she was. The Alzheimer's progressed an extreme amount and her speech is limited and she is a small bit violent. I feel like I have completely lost my strong, independant grandmother, almost like I am grieving her even though she is physically still here. Does anyone else have any experiences like this? And is it okay that I am dealing with it like this? I feel bad for mourning her because she is still alive, although not exactly living.

nikpmup

Not only is it okay, it's completely normal. You have lost your grandmother - or at least, you've lost the person that she was. A good friend of mine went through this when her mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, she found it very difficult as people around her expected her to "pull herself together", even though she was grieving the loss of her mother. Her mum is now completely unaware of who she is, and my friend is still going through the grieving process, even though her mum is still alive.
Take the time you need to grieve and mourn the loss of your grandmother, and please, try not to feel bad - easier said than done. Guilt is a huge part of grief, but IMO it is the most useless and horrible emotion, it serves no purpose other than to make you feel bad.

certifiedcrepe

Thanks a lot, that definitely helped me with the guilt.. It's just so horrible to see her so helpless. She was a nurse through the Second World War and was always so strong, up until a few weeks before she had to be taken into full time care she was so strong willed and wanted to do everything herself until she couldn't any longer and it's horrible to see her so helpless.. Thanks again nikpmup, it means a lot.

SusieBlue

As said by previous posters, that's a completely normal gut reaction. As awful as it sounds my friend was completely relieved when her father passed away from the same disease - She had started grieving for the person he was long before his death and he hadn't been "himself" for a large number of years. Don't feel guilty for how you feel. I'm sure other family members are feeling the same.

certifiedcrepe

WhiteRoses wrote: »

As said by previous posters, that's a completely normal gut reaction. As awful as it sounds my friend was completely relieved when her father passed away from the same disease - She had started grieving for the person he was long before his death and he hadn't been "himself" for a large number of years. Don't feel guilty for how you feel. I'm sure other family members are feeling the same.

As awful as I feel for saying it, it would've been better if she had passed before things got this bad... I studied Alzheimer's in uni so I understand it pretty well, but I think that somewhere deep inside she's aware of it all but can't do anything to stop that. Sometimes it's the look in her eyes, it could be the confusion upsetting her but honestly I feel it's because she knows she can't communicate with us. Obviously I'm not a doctor but that's what I believe.. And I wish she didn't have to live like that anymore. Thanks a lot for your post WhiteRoses.

Novella

My dad has Alzheimer's and there are times when I feel similarly to how you described. I wouldn't say that I mourn him but I mourn the future I thought we'd have. I know now that he will never be the proud dad on my wedding day, he won't have a relationship with any children I may have in the way I had a wonderful relationship with my own grandfather. My dad will see my younger brother graduate from college next year but he won't fully comprehend the situation.

I think it's normal. It is difficult to accept and like the grief felt after a death, it takes time to come to terms with.

Neyite

certifiedcrepe wrote: »

My grandmother has Alzheimer's since I was about 11, and the last time I saw her before today was July 2009. I was very upset seeing her in a home so I decided with my parents that I would not see her until I feel ready. And that was today. I had been thinking of going for a while because due to a family wedding ill be seeing her in two weeks as we are visiting the home. Anyway, I'm honestly inconsolable after seeing her the way she was. The Alzheimer's progressed an extreme amount and her speech is limited and she is a small bit violent. I feel like I have completely lost my strong, independant grandmother, almost like I am grieving her even though she is physically still here. Does anyone else have any experiences like this? And is it okay that I am dealing with it like this? I feel bad for mourning her because she is still alive, although not exactly living.

Its appropriate to mourn. We did with our family member. We acknowledged at the funeral that we had done our grieving in the last few years preceding the actual death. In fact, what helped us cope around the funeral and aftermath was the fact that it was a release in the end for the person, and a mercy really. Dementia is harder on the carers and family in many respects, I think.

poppet84

Sorry to hear you are going through it!!my nan had Alzheimer's for about 15 years and I'm 29 now so I know what you are going through.

I think it's a good thing that you are grieving a bit now.I got sad now and again especially at special occasions but because my nan was still here, it never hit me until she died this year!now I'm very sad about it and finding it hard to deal with.

So don't worry, just talk to her about all your memories, tell her you love her.
who knows what patients can understand. It's an awful awful thing.

Maura74

Please get involved with the Alzheimer society as they are doing wonderful things for patients. My sister is in a care home with this condition and that is the worse place for people with kind of condition. In some care homes so many bad things can happen there.

Understanding the condition is helpful for everyone.

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents.php?categoryID=200422

http://www.alzheimer.ie/Home.aspx