Tuesday Funnies

MonkieSocks

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him.

To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.

What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything...

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees.

He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lion’s cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.

He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"





The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees
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I was sitting in my car outside my ex-girlfriend’s house,when she approached me and said,

"Every day for the past week, I've noticed you sitting here,

Are you fookin stalking me or something?"

"Don't fookin flatter yourself," I replied,

"I've been using your internet connection."


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It was the first day of school and the teacher was asking the little boy about his family.

'And what does your Daddy do'

'He's a magician'

'That must be exciting, what tricks can he do'

'He can saw people in half'

'That is clever, and tell me do you have any brothers or sisters'

'Yes, one half-brother, and two half sisters'