grandparents

LegacyUser

i am looking for specific advice from other parents/grandparents on a current issue we are having,

we are a married couple with one daughter, we both work mon-friday 9-6 with our 4-5year old daughter in a full time Montessori.

her grandparents (his parents) are constantly upsetting me but im not sure if i am being rational or not,


having not seen our daughter in two weeks (usually is every sunday) they have just text my husband canceling again for this Sunday, while i know it might sound trivial i know as per usual whenever they do get around to being at home i will once more listen to barbed comments on how "your mother always sees her" and "oh we never get to see her" "oh she's gotten so <insert fake pleasantry here> (big, tall, long)"


we have bent over backwards trying to create a relationship between them and their granddaughter (because they always complain about me blocking one between them or not having one) even bringing her down on sundays while they are passive aggressive with me, (i tried not calling down but then my husband gets the brunt of their guilt trips and its not fair on him)

we tried keeping our distance but my husband generally wants to believe the best of his family (despite constant let downs from the day our daughter was born) and always goes back.

last time we saw them a few things made me so angry, my daughter had brought with her a doodle set, she was very proud of the fact she could do the doodles and was showing them at the table when suddenly her grandmother literally snatched the marker out of her hand (there was only one) and started telling my daughter what she was drawing my daughter was quite upset by it as none of her suggestions were heard as my mother in law doodled to her own content too busy to listen,

later on we were watching a sporting event where my husbands family support team x and i support team y, my husband and i both agreed we would let our daughter choose, and she chose team y by chance at a younger age, but when in the hallway i over heard them badmouthing team y and forcing her to cheer for team x, (telling her team y was 'silly'...etc)

now that is trivial but its a good example of how when we say something they do as they please regardless,

they bitch constantly about how fantastic our daughter gets along with my family (and excuse it as "she sees them all the time" when the truth is my mother sees her for 2 hours a week, for those two hours she plays with her, listens to her, teaches her things and asks my daughter to help her with everyday tasks, if she says yes they do it if she says no they don't, i guess my daughters opinion counts,

where his parents see her for 3 or 4 hours a week and are very much "its our way or its wrong" they threaten her with "telling her dad" if she wants to do something her way, and generally try to coax/bribe her into their way of doing things,

Sunday was the chosen day for these visits because they are 'busy' on saturdays, and midweek they (and we ) are working. i know they are entitled to do their own thing, but my issue is dealing with the aftermath when they don't see her, we have tried telling them all this, but they just accuse us of causing rows, or "stressing" them out, giving his dad a "heart attack"...etc whenever we talk about anything serious.

now my daughter does ask to call down and see them on rare occasions but i wonder does it effect her negatively?

i feel stuck, if anyone has advice on how i could move forward or if anyone has dealt with this before and got through it in a positive way i'd really appreciate advice on what i can do?

pwurple

In laws are tricky! Do they never visit you at all?

Anyway, Your daughter likes to see them, asking to go visit etc.

It sounds ike you are taking everything they say very personally, or as a criticism of you. Or maybe they are not as relaxed around you as they are with their son... In 'company' mode if you know what I mean. Might be uncomfortable and just saying silly things (like the meaningless platitudes) out of that discomfort?

If you are clashing with them, maybe send her with her dad to visit them, and you can chill out for that time instead?

Xidu

pwurple wrote: »

In laws are tricky! Do they never visit you at all?

Anyway, Your daughter likes to see them, asking to go visit etc.

It sounds ike you are taking everything they say very personally, or as a criticism of you. Or maybe they are not as relaxed around you as they are with their son... In 'company' mode if you know what I mean. Might be uncomfortable and just saying silly things (like the meaningless platitudes) out of that discomfort?

If you are clashing with them, maybe send her with her dad to visit them, and you can chill out for that time instead?

Agree

iguana

anonmom wrote: »

last time we saw them a few things made me so angry, my daughter had brought with her a doodle set, she was very proud of the fact she could do the doodles and was showing them at the table when suddenly her grandmother literally snatched the marker out of her hand (there was only one) and started telling my daughter what she was drawing my daughter was quite upset by it as none of her suggestions were heard as my mother in law doodled to her own content too busy to listen,

Just on this part. My paternal grandmother was very like this. If you were showing her how you could do something like a jigsaw/colouring in/etc or asking her to help you out a little, she'd completely take over. She'd just sit there and get a little lost in the act of colouring or putting the pieces together while I would sit there like a spare part not getting a look in. Afterwards (and by afterwards I mean right into my adulthood) she'd tell me and anyone who was in range how she had shown me how to colour/do jigsaws. I know my mum had to bite her tongue a lot as either she had been the one to show me how to do things or I had worked it out for myself and she (like any mother when their child does something new) was bursting with pride at what I'd learned and frustrated that my play was taken over.

However my grandmother never meant anything bad by it. She was a warm loving woman who adored me (and my subsequent brothers and cousins who she did the exact same things with) but she just didn't know how to play properly with children. As a child herself she never had the opportunity to play and with her own children she had so many that she never got any real chance to pay with them properly either. To be very honest, as she never got to do these things herself she hadn't progressed beyond a child's level with them. She didn't look at a simple 12 piece jigsaw like most adults would and automatically see where all the pieces go. So she couldn't use that ability to gently prompt me into seeing where it would go as she had to work it out herself and once she did, she was so excited she'd put it in place without thinking about me. It wasn't done out of meanness or maliciousness but out of her own innocence. She didn't see that she was spoiling my game, she genuinely thought she was doing it with me, that the fun she was having was shared between us. I suspect something similar is happening with your mother in law and the doodling as I can't see any other explanation for a grown woman taking over a child's game like that. It was certainly frustrating and bewildering for me as a child but I got used to it and as I got older I understood it. As much as it felt like it sucked back then, now I am actually quite happy that my grandmother got to experience some part of what she missed out on as a child and glad that my presence in her life gave her that chance to play.

LegacyUser

pwurple wrote: »

In laws are tricky! Do they never visit you at all?

Anyway, Your daughter likes to see them, asking to go visit etc.

It sounds ike you are taking everything they say very personally, or as a criticism of you. Or maybe they are not as relaxed around you as they are with their son... In 'company' mode if you know what I mean. Might be uncomfortable and just saying silly things (like the meaningless platitudes) out of that discomfort?

If you are clashing with them, maybe send her with her dad to visit them, and you can chill out for that time instead?

we tried that (and i loved it, but it upset my husband more) when i am not around they are worse, they try to emotionally blackmail my husband into doing things (like dumping me and his child) and still treat our daughter the same if not ignore her more, they want 'their' family aka them and their children, partners and grandchildren aren't included in this model (they have made this clear on many occasions before now)

i don't take everything they say personally, if i did that i would have broken down a long time ago believe me,

As for the poster (sorry i cannot multi quote) who was saying about it was her grandmothers way of play, i had a grandmother just like that too and i feel like you do but she is not like that, i don't know how to describe it accurately in words but his mother (according to her younger brother) was always like this, she admits herself as a child she would always manipulate him to get more sweets/treats, or just take his or his toys, she thinks this is funny, and laughs about what a 'brat' she was, she even brags about biting a girl once,

she encourages this behaviour in my daughter too which we do not allow and so far my daughter thankfully hasn't replicated, she is a very clever woman don't get me wrong, and it isn't just her, his father can be just as manipulative, they say they love our daughter and i can only take their words at face value because their actions are the very opposite

i'm sorry i know i am using strong words to describe them, i guess i just want you guys to give relevant advice on how to handle this situation and its a bit useless if you think they are your typical grandparents....but then maybe they are and my husband and i were lucky to have the four we had being happy to see us and have a part in our lives growing up.

pwurple

anonmom wrote: »

when i am not around they are worse, they try to emotionally blackmail my husband into doing things (like dumping me and his child) and still treat our daughter the same if not ignore her more, they want 'their' family aka them and their children, partners and grandchildren aren't included in this model (they have made this clear on many occasions before now)

This is your husband's job to sort out. I would never put up my parents disrespecting my spouse.

dharma200

Do you know the saying, water off a ducks back..... That is exactly how you should treat this situation. She is your precious daughter and my advice is to get on with it, totally do not allow anything in-laws say or do to get to you, be as little involved i their life as humanly possible without being rude, smile and be nice when there. never slag them off and enjoy your life... You sound like an amazing parent, don't let other people's insidious behaviour get to you, that is exactly what some people enjoy, the best defence is to always act like nothing is happening but be aware in your head that something is, don't retaliate and be as nice as you can. Make sure the time spent with your child is short and sweet and counteract any bad behaviour they instil when you are at home.

They sound like a bitter lot of people... Enjoy your life and don't let them get to you atall... Oh are linked to them but do not have to be affected by them... Be strong minded about it all and I would agree, your partner has to man up or shut up... I personally would invent something that means I couldn't go on Sunday, and let him deal with it, they are his family, if they try to manipulate him to leave you then he should really deal with that in one foul swoop.. He needs to take control of the situation, you are his family and he should not allow anyone to dis you, or make you feel uncomfortable.

I have nothing to do with my children's fathers family, and am a better and happier person for it. Life is short to have nasty people in it, so come to a decision and stick with it, and get you other half to sort it out.... Hths

tinkerbell

anonmom wrote: »

we tried that (and i loved it, but it upset my husband more) when i am not around they are worse, they try to emotionally blackmail my husband into doing things (like dumping me and his child) and still treat our daughter the same if not ignore her more, they want 'their' family aka them and their children, partners and grandchildren aren't included in this model (they have made this clear on many occasions before now)

Are you for real? When you are not there, your in-laws try to persuade your husband to dump you, his wife, and your child?! Oh OP, I dunno why you are even bothering anymore with those people. I would be done with them after they pulled that stunt. Your husband is also to blame here big time. How can he stand back and allow his parents to tell him to dump his spouse and his child? That is seriously messed up. Your husband is allowing this to happen. If they are like that, then he should have nothing to do with them - you and the child are his family now and should be his first priority.

I would be telling him to tell his parents how it's gonna be from now on. They either start showing you some respect or else that's it, they won't see any of you anymore. Telling your own son that his child and his wife are not welcome in their family unit or considered family has crossed a line.

Big Bag of Chips

Your husband is at fault here. He hasn't made the transition from their "child" to your "adult husband". His parents should not get a say in his life... Unless he is making terrible terrible mistakes, and they are genuinely trying to help.

So, they disrespect his relationship, his wife and his daughter, and his way of dealing with that is forcing you all to sit there pretending to play "happy families".

If my parents ever tried to convince me to turn my back on my family, it would be the last they saw of me until they copped themselves on.

They don't have to like you. They don't have to approve of you. But they do have to respect their son's right to make his own adult decisions.

This isn't a problem with grandparents, this is a problem with your husband. Until he stops behaving like the child they are used to telling what to do, your life is going to stay exactly the same.

Your husband may never be able to stand up them. This has been the dynamic of his relationship with them for his whole life. So out of some sort of loyalty or "respect" for them, he may never stand up to them. You have no such history with them.

You don't have to have a relationship with them... By bowing down to them, you are just allowing them to treat you disgracefully.

Edit: btw, if your husband also stopped calling to them, then they couldn't guilt trip him anymore. Phone calls are easy to hang up, or ignore. And it might make them see that if they force him to choose... He will choose his family.