The Cooking Disaster Thread

MissFlitworth

I'd imagine the producers will be in touch to see if they can save some cash by hosting it in my place next year. 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of MissFlitworth's Kitchen'

Faith

Oh god, that's brilliant!!

What stall did you get the bowls from?

MissFlitworth

Got them from the Real Olive Co stall

http://www.englishmarket.ie/traders/specialities/therealoliveco/

They're about twice the price in rip-off Stock (cookware shop) in Dublin

Dizzyblonde

Oh MissF, that's brilliant!

hussey

I remember the first time I made carrot cake, complete disaster. I forgot to grate the carrots

*I love that joke, I use it all the time, most of the times to groaning friends

Mrs Fox

hussey wrote: »

I remember the first time I made carrot cake, complete disaster. I forgot to grate the carrots

*I love that joke, I use it all the time, most of the times to groaning friends

You mean you put a whole bag of carrots, like whole?

hussey

Mrs Fox wrote: »

You mean you put a whole bag of carrots, like whole?

It's never funny when you have to explain a joke. But yes the joke is that the carrot cake contains whole carrots!
It's a good food-party joke though

Mrs Fox

hussey wrote: »

It's never funny when you have to explain a joke. But yes the joke is that the carrot cake contains whole carrots!
It's a good food-party joke though

Ay... Mr Fox says I'm a lost soul in joke heaven.

Roesy

I remember making a stirfry when I was about 14. I put the oil on to heat while I washed my vegetables. Clearly took longer than I thought and threw the veggies into the oil. Cue a blazing fire and me grabbing the pot as the flames headed towards the curtain. Flame went over my poor hand and I spent the next few weeks attending the burns clinic Was a long time before I made stirfry again!!

MissFlitworth

Just took out a sheet of gelatin because I wanted to make the cat some kibble jelly and I had gelatin sheets that I brought home from Germany about 3 years ago to use up. It was very plasticky feeling so I decided it was the plastic divider between the gelatin sheets (never used sheets before) and tapped it off my lip for some reason. Of course it turned out it absolutely was gelatin and it pulled a nice chunk of my lip off. FABULOUS. <bleeds>

Dizzyblonde

Ouch

Loire

MissFlitworth wrote: »

The most disgusting thing in the history of kitchen disasters ever just happened to me. I'm in 2 minds about saying it here but I need to tell someone and if I tell my friends they'll never eat in my house again.

Have some squash in the oven roasting, wanted to toast some almonds too for my big fat healthy salad later. Spotted a terracotta tapas dish, threw them in there and then into the oven. Opened the door about 10 minutes later and there was a distinct smell of 'cat's water'. A very, very distinct smell indeed. So said to my partner, all sultry like, "Babe, did the cat p1ss in here somewhere?!". He couldn't get the smell, insisted it was 'just the nuts'. I am known for imagining smells coming from places so decided was just imagining it, ate an almond, and popped it back into the oven.

Then.

Sitting on the couch, remembering the day I came back from Cork with the dishes (really good value in the English market compared to Dublin), and it was the day that the cat hit cat maturity. And I turned around that evening and he was sitting in my handbag having a wee. Into the dishes. Which I thought I had thrown away but clearly in the panic of that day (it only lasted one day but he went everywhere) I washed and put back with my other dishes.

I have just eaten a cats piss almond.

That's such an OMG!!!

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Was making dinner today. Spaghetti bolognaise, no sign of a jar dolmio anywhere in the house, I was making my own sauce, simmering reducing adding herbs, and by god was I proud of it.

Put serious effort into this dinner anyway, added red wine and all. The bolognaise was done and I just left it there bubbling away, as I waited for the pasta to cook.

I said sure ill run out and feed the puppies while I'm waiting. Except the door banged behind me and I got locked out. My phone was inside so couldn't call anyone and waited over an hour for someone to help me get back in.

By then I couldn't see the hand in front of my face for smoke, two pots with the arse burnt out of them, and both the pasta and the bolognaise unsalvagable

leahyl

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Was making dinner today. Spaghetti bolognaise, no sign of a jar dolmio anywhere in the house, I was making my own sauce, simmering reducing adding herbs, and by god was I proud of it.

Put serious effort into this dinner anyway, added red wine and all. The bolognaise was done and I just left it there bubbling away, as I waited for the pasta to cook.

I said sure ill run out and feed the puppies while I'm waiting. Except the door banged behind me and I got locked out. My phone was inside so couldn't call anyone and waited over an hour for someone to help me get back in.

By then I couldn't see the hand in front of my face for smoke, two pots with the arse burnt out of them, and both the pasta and the bolognaise unsalvagable

:eek: you're lucky the house didn't burn to the ground!!

Alun

:eek: I'd have smashed a window in long before it got to that stage!

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Alun wrote: »

:eek: I'd have smashed a window in long before it got to that stage!

I tried. I couldn't break the glass, seems its shatter proof. Anyway, thank god the house is still standing lol, imagine the shame of telling people I actually almost burned the house to the ground making a bolognaise.

Minder

MissFlitworth wrote: »

The most disgusting thing in the history of kitchen disasters ever just happened to me. I'm in 2 minds about saying it here but I need to tell someone and if I tell my friends they'll never eat in my house again.

Have some squash in the oven roasting, wanted to toast some almonds too for my big fat healthy salad later. Spotted a terracotta tapas dish, threw them in there and then into the oven. Opened the door about 10 minutes later and there was a distinct smell of 'cat's water'. A very, very distinct smell indeed. So said to my partner, all sultry like, "Babe, did the cat p1ss in here somewhere?!". He couldn't get the smell, insisted it was 'just the nuts'. I am known for imagining smells coming from places so decided was just imagining it, ate an almond, and popped it back into the oven.

Then.

Sitting on the couch, remembering the day I came back from Cork with the dishes (really good value in the English market compared to Dublin), and it was the day that the cat hit cat maturity. And I turned around that evening and he was sitting in my handbag having a wee. Into the dishes. Which I thought I had thrown away but clearly in the panic of that day (it only lasted one day but he went everywhere) I washed and put back with my other dishes.

I have just eaten a cats piss almond.

It's all in the marketing. If you can have cat poo coffee, why not cat pee nuts?

MissFlitworth

Unfortunately I've thrown away my nut-pee roasting dish dish but I still have the cat and I will get myself down to Enterprise Ireland in the morning to apply for a grant to buy a new one and trick the cat into widdling in it!

323gtr

i was so drunk i put the rashers in the toaster lol

Vojera

MissFlitworth wrote: »

Unfortunately I've thrown away my nut-pee roasting dish dish but I still have the cat and I will get myself down to Enterprise Ireland in the morning to apply for a grant to buy a new one and trick the cat into widdling in it!

The knack is to convince the cat that you absolutely do NOT want him to pee in it. Then he's guaranteed to do it!

Loire

Tried to make a mash potato/turnip mixture, and a mixture it certainly was! The turnip wasn't soft enough and I was left with a dry,lumpy stodge! In to the bin it went!!

Faith

Had a slight disaster this evening. I was making a prawn and pea risotto, and realised at the last minute I had no frozen petit pois. So because we desperately needed vegetables, I drained and thoroughly rinsed a tin of peas . The fecking risotto still went green, despite the rinsing. It tasted fine, if a little pea-y but the texture of the peas was all off.

It was edible, and I got my nutrients, but it's not something I'd ever repeat again!

Loire

Faith wrote: »

Had a slight disaster this evening. I was making a prawn and pea risotto, and realised at the last minute I had no frozen petit pois. So because we desperately needed vegetables, I drained and thoroughly rinsed a tin of peas . The fecking risotto still went green, despite the rinsing. It tasted fine, if a little pea-y but the texture of the peas was all off.

It was edible, and I got my nutrients, but it's not something I'd ever repeat again!

Knock off the lights and light a candle

Butterface

Many years ago I was making a romantic dinner on Valentine's night for an old girlfriend. I had placed a plate on a hob to keep the fried onions and mushrooms warm while I was frying our steaks. The feckin plate exploded and shards of ceramic went everywhere, including into the pan. Sure I was freaking out trying to clean up all the pieces, that I neglected the steak and it was like leather.. plus I was afraid there were shards embedded in it! Moodkiller!

More recently, the OH and I went for a few Sunday afternoon drinks. Stopped into Sainsbury's on the way home and got one of their freshly made up pizzas that you can bung in the oven for 10 minutes. I was fairly tipsy and not thinking straight.. the pizza had a cardboard base, so I bunged it into the oven on top of this base. Gas oven. Luckily I didn't leave the kitchen, as it had caught fire! Alcohol and cooking do not mix well.

hardCopy

Butterface wrote: »

Many years ago I was making a romantic dinner on Valentine's night for an old girlfriend. I had placed a plate on a hob to keep the fried onions and mushrooms warm while I was frying our steaks. The feckin plate exploded and shards of ceramic went everywhere, including into the pan. Sure I was freaking out trying to clean up all the pieces, that I neglected the steak and it was like leather.. plus I was afraid there were shards embedded in it! Moodkiller!

I've done the exploding plate trick, also for steak, after reading how it was very important to serve the steak on a warm plate.

Animord

hardCopy wrote: »

I've done the exploding plate trick, also for steak, after reading how it was very important to serve the steak on a warm plate.

I decided a while ago to make sourdough bread. I had nursed my starter for about two weeks, lovingly feeding it and making sure it was the right temperature and happy.

So the big day for the first baking arrived and I put the dough into a glass pyrex bowl to rise. I left it on top of my stupid glass cooker and somehow managed to switch the ring on.

About 15 minutes later there was a large explosion and half cooked dough and glass went EVERYWHERE.

Loire

hardCopy wrote: »

I've done the exploding plate trick

I put a pyrex dish on the hob the other night. Wanted to get it nice and hot before I put some fish in to be roasted in the oven. Que explosion with melted butter all over the shop.

Herself comes running in...."Everything OK?"

"Absolutely.....research" :D

Oryx

The explosion stories remind me that really, I can't boil water. Not in a microwave anyway. Before it became common knowledge that it is dangerous, I boiled water in the mw to make coffee one day. Dropped a spoon of granules into the cup and boom! boiling water in a fountain all over me, the counter, everywhere.

MICROWAVED WATER IS DANGEROUS, KIDS!

MissFlitworth

That particular piece of common knowledge hadn't reached me - yikes!!

Alun

MissFlitworth wrote: »

That particular piece of common knowledge hadn't reached me - yikes!!

It's warned about in some microwave manuals actually. In fact putting anything into a container of water boiled in that way can cause a similar explosion, even a spoon or other implement.

You can prevent it by placing something non-metallic in the water (or other liquid) while microwaving it. Our ancient, recently deceased, Miele microwave even came with a little Pyrex glass rod specifically for that purpose.

The bubbles need a nucleation site to form around, and in a perfectly smooth container these don't exist.