Is it normal after all this time?

merlie

Is it normal to still grieve after 13 months? I find myself very much on a see-saw of emotions like, feeling good one day, not so good the next. I still cry on and off, though it is not as intense as it used to be. I had been receiving bereavement counselling since July last year, which is now formally run its course and has ended.

I am once again leaning back on my friends, one of whom has been very supportive and understanding. I try to keep busy and get on with life as best I can. I have a few things planned for the next few months, which I am looking forward too.

I still miss him so very much and light a candle for him every night as I promised at a memorial for him, but is it normal to grieve this long? The death was sudden, totally unexpected and was of a great shock.

banie01

There is no normal, and you won't ever really be ''done'' with grieving.
My wife died over 6 and a half yrs ago and I still grieve, every day!
The raw pain of grief has lessened with time, but the ache never leaves(or at least it hasn't left me as of yet)>
Best way I can describe what it feels like is an open wound, that heals slowly and leaves a scar that aches and is another reminder of the loss along with the memories of the time ye shared.

merlie

Thank you for your reply. I am sorry to hear of your loss.
Just recently I have felt a sort of pressure to 'get over it' indirectly from people. It's not easy and still feel very much not over his sudden death. I miss him so much.

nikpmup

It seems to be a commonly held belief/myth amongst people that have never suffered a close bereavement that you should be "over it" or getting there after 1 year - I can't count how many people told me, "the first year is the worst!" as if after that time the grief will magically dissipate. For me, the first year was a bit muddled, by far my worst period of grieving was the first half of the second year. I was totally bereft, and far, far worse than I had been before.

Grieving is as individual as the person you have lost. There is no one size fits all. I think that people come out with platitudes in order to make themselves feel better - it can be uncomfortable for some people to deal with a bereaved person. I do think they mean well though - they are trying to reassure you that the hurt will go away.

As banie says, the hurt doesn't go but you do become better at living with it. Take your time - grief will not overwhelm you, you WILL get through it, in your own time. It is totally normal and appropriate for you to grieve as you need to.

Rubberlegs

13 months is still very recent, I'm very sorry for your loss. My Dad is gone almost 3yrs now. The first 6 months were completely horrendous. 5 months after he died I became pregnant, so that gave me another focus for a long time. I was dealing with it all fairly well throughout this time, with the odd wobbly patch. At the moment for some reason, I feel absolutely horrendous over him and miss him so much. Maybe its because I'm at home with a toddler, and have too much time to dwell on it all, I don't know. He was a brilliant Grandad, and I'm gutted this little one will never know him, as her siblings did. To be honest, I dont think you can put a time frame on grief, and everyone is different anyway. Don't mind anyone else giving you the impression you should be over your grief. Let them walk a mile in your shoes....

therealme

My Mum passed suddenly & unexpectedly just over 6 years ago.
I don't cry very often but about 3 nights this week between fb posts/tv/comments from friends about their mothers, I have been in floods of tears. I wouldn't say anything to my friends as I'm sure they don't think it affects me - and they have every right to talk about their mothers infront of me.
It hurts so much & I think about her every hour I'm awake- you just get on with it.
Grief can hit anytime - and can take any length, don't feel obliged not to go through it or have a time frame on it!