Why never me? <mod warning page 3>

Corcaigh84

I'm going to have to agree with the ladies on this one. I (male) have been pulling women and getting dates at a feroicous rate this year, but nothing has 'clicked' so far.

Believe me, I tried pretending I like some girls more than I really did in my early twenties, and it's just bad times for all involved. Right now I'm just enjoying things, it's better than the constant doom and gloom, self fullfilling prophecy that I'll never meet Mrs. Right.

King Hearts

TheBellJar wrote: »

You can make yourself more open to meeting people and in turn meet more people. However there is no way of 'ensuring' that you click with one of these people. There just isn't and that connection you're talking about will be one sided unless the woman happens to feel the same, i.e. chance.

Chance is an element of course, but if you learn to be confident and how to talk to and flirt with women properly you can "click" with a much higher percentage of women you approach.

OP success with women is a skill set, much like many other skills it takes time and continuous practice to see big changes. The best thing you can do is talk to as many women as possible. Give yourself little goals, such as moving women after talking to them a while. Women respond to men who lead. Grab her hand look her in the eyes and say let's go over here ( other side of bar or wherever). Keep pushing your comfort zone and ask women out. Over time you'll develop a natural ability to talk and flirt with women.

TheBellJar

King Hearts wrote: »

Chance is an element of course, but if you learn to be confident and how to talk to and flirt with women properly you can "click" with a much higher percentage of women you approach.

OP success with women is a skill set, much like many other skills it takes time and continuous practice to see big changes. The best thing you can do is talk to as many women as possible. Give yourself little goals, such as moving women after talking to them a while. Women respond to men who lead. Grab her hand look her in the eyes and say let's go over here ( other side of bar or wherever). Keep pushing your comfort zone and ask women out. Over time you'll develop a natural ability to talk and flirt with women.

I don't think we're on the same wavelength. A mutual 'click' with someone is very different to just picking someone up in a bar.

Talking to more women does increase your chances of finding someone to date in general, but there is nothing you can actually do to how you behave or act in order to increase the chance of clicking with someone. It doesn't work like that. You do or you don't. You can't fake it.

Corcaigh84

King Hearts wrote: »

OP success with women is a skill set

Granted, yes, you have to pull a few women before you can click with any of them!

King Hearts

TheBellJar wrote: »

I don't think we're on the same wavelength. A mutual 'click' with someone is very different to just picking someone up in a bar.

Talking to more women does increase your chances of finding someone to date in general, but there is nothing you can actually do to how you behave or act in order to increase the chance of clicking with someone. It doesn't work like that. You do or you don't. You can't fake it.

Yes there is something you am do to increase the chance to click with someone. For a start many of us wear a "social mask", often this is not in alignment with who you really are. It is very hard to click with people as they can sense something isn't quite right or unauthentic. When your persona is closely aligned to your genuine self that creates much more potential for a genuine connection. There are indeed numerous things you can do to increase the chance of clicking. Learn how to touch a woman, body language, flirting, rapport conversation.

A study was done where people where asked to hold a cold or hot drink. Those who held the hot drink liked the person more than those who held the cold drink. What I'm saying is people click for very specific reasons, it's not magic. Just because you don't know the reason of clicking doesn't mean there isn't one or it can't be changed through conscious decisions.

TheBellJar

King Hearts wrote: »

Yes there is something you am do to increase the chance to click with someone. For a start many of us wear a "social mask", often this is not in alignment with who you really are. It is very hard to click with people as they can sense something isn't quite right or unauthentic. When your persona is closely aligned to your genuine self that creates much more potential for a genuine connection. There are indeed numerous things you can do to increase the chance of clicking. Learn how to touch a woman, body language, flirting, rapport conversation.

A study was done where people where asked to hold a cold or hot drink. Those who held the hot drink liked the person more than those who held the cold drink. What I'm saying is people click for very specific reasons, it's not magic. Just because you don't know the reason of clicking doesn't mean there isn't one or it can't be changed through conscious decisions.

This jist of this is - you're wrong.

But this is becoming a pointless argument so I'll leave you to it

Best of luck with things OP.

King Hearts

TheBellJar wrote: »

This jist of this is - you're wrong.

But this is becoming a pointless argument so I'll leave you to it

Best of luck with things OP.

OP for your own good don't listen to people who think that destiny isn't in your own hands. Learn from men who are good with women, it's not luck, you can make changes to improve your life. All the best.

claypigeon777

thefloss wrote: »

Right now I'm just enjoying things, it's better than the constant doom and gloom, self fullfilling prophecy that I'll never meet Mrs. Right.

That's the mindset the OP needs.

Stop giving a flying f*ck. Approach without fear. Have fun chatting up women and experiment with works and what doesn't.

Taltos

All - let's keep the petty disagreements out of the threads here. If you are unsure what is acceptable in PI please have a look at our charter, this is not a discussion forum and posters who insist on ignoring the rules here can find themselves banned in certain circumstances.

Thanks
Taltos

uncle_mick

Why never me wrote: »

I'm a late twenties guy and this year I've been making some big changes in my life. I have a good career being self employed and a good social life and the changes I've made to my attitude in life have been paying dividends in most ways. I'm pretty popular, I play sports and I have various interests and ambitions which draw my attention. I am an independent person.

However, one aspect of my life has always been a source of ongoing pain. Love and romance. It has completely evaded me in every respect. I won't spell out what little experience I have with the opposite sex but suffice to say that I would be highly surprised if I knew any able bodied and sound minded man my age that has had lesser success. I mean my history is practically non existent. I once admitted to a very close friend how little experience I've had and she thought I was winding her up. I've never been anyway close to being in a relationship or anything remotely close.

The fact is, women and my zero level of success with them are a mystery to me. I've taken lots of steps and tried lots of things to be proactive about finding someone but nothing has ever worked. From speed dating and online dating to sticking my neck out to ask that nice girl I like but nothing has ever worked. Ever. Not even close. It became such as source of loneliness and pain that I just gave up looking. Not pretend 'not looking', I gave up looking. Unsurprisingly, my plan worked, my life has been much the same as it had been but without the pain of failure with women.

So where's the problem? I've really just shifted the pain from one form to another. The pain of rejection, failure and inadequacy has given way to something else. I can't help but feel like there is a small part of me dying of loneliness. I have to admit feeling completely sorry for myself when I see couples holding hands or kissing and as much as I try to suppress it, that old feeling of wondering why that can't be for me. I don't have a stone for a heart. It hurts when I think back at the lonely teenager I was. Then the lonely twenty something I was. I feel my change of plan wasn't a bad choice but there is a new pain and a new fear of accepting that my thirties are probably going to be a continuation.

I have a choice. Do I continue as a voluntarily single person? Do I pick myself up and risk my pummelled heart again in the hope of finding someone special again only to end up lonely and heart broken again? Or do I take my abstention to the level of celibate asexuality I think fate seems to have always had in store for me? I just can't help but feel it's Hobson's choice. I don't need love to live my life but I just can't understand why I could never overcome this barrier. I know there is a bit of self pity here and this week has been a lonely week but I think that the certainty of solitude that has followed me does command the morose and melancholy. Thanks for reading.

do you live in an urban or rural Ireland ?

one thing ive discovered since I passed thirty is that their are no single women in rural Ireland , none , not really a surprise , their is a huge ratio of men to women in rural Ireland , all the women are working in the cities

LegacyUser

Thanks for your thoughts. The thing is, you're all right. I have been reflecting on things since I started the thread and these are some of my thoughts.

I haven't been making an effort and although the hope of finding someone has naturally evaporated. If I made more of an effort, I would stand a higher chance of meeting someone. That's true. However, with my back story, motivating myself to find someone special after the failures I've experienced seems about as easy as motivating myself to resume my attempts to levitate. I'm not saying I have definitely given up looking but I just think that preserving my mental and emotional health is something I need to consider. I have to be realistic about MY situation- it may be less painful to draw a line under my attempts and focus on other aspects of my life. The thought of doing this makes my teeth itch but not everyone finds someone to share life. The evidence says I'm probably one of these people- do I want to spend the next decade of my short life wishing for, what evidently may never be? Also, consider that I may give up looking and it just may happen anyway. So what's the healthy thing to do? My situation reminds me of this quote- 'It's not the despair. I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand'. This is why I'm increasingly reluctant to take any steps at all.

Maybe my friendship history is a metaphor for my relationship history. I don't have lots and lots of friends but the ones I have more close ones than most people. I don't have casual or shallow relationships with people. Likewise, as one poster suggested, just sitting back and enjoying the dating scene is something I would enjoy on some levels but realistically, for ME, it wouldn't be fulfilling for me. When it comes to all my relationship, it's quality and not quantity I want.

As regards "clicking" with women, I do meet women that I click with. Fairly regularly too. I don't believe in the idea of 'the one'. The ladies I meet that I click with are just with other guys or aren't interested in me. Simple as that. The numbers have always been against me. That's half the problem. I meet women I like (and they're not necessarily supermodels), and they're somehow unattainable. I know I could train myself to have more hits. I accept that but in all honesty, hits aren't what I'm looking for. I'm not looking for something unique, I just want something more.

So I apologise if this is just another ramble. I do appreciate your thoughts and perspectives.

claypigeon777

Why never me wrote: »

I haven't been making an effort and although the hope of finding someone has naturally evaporated.

Women love a man who is gregarious, fun loving, enjoys his own company and who already has a full life before he even gets together with someone special.

If I made more of an effort, I would stand a higher chance of meeting someone.

There's no other way. It shouldn't be a chore. It should be an exciting adventure.

However, with my back story, motivating myself to find someone special after the failures I've experienced seems about as easy as motivating myself to resume my attempts to levitate.

There isn't an invisible bureaucrat with a clipboard ticking off a sheet every time you blunder into a woman and try to chat her up and it doesn't come off. It's all up to you and the effort you make, the mistakes you make and what you learn from them and how you use experience to do better when you meet the next lady. Eventually you will develop the skill sets to comfortably approach and flirt any women. You will have your choice and then you will have the freedom to pick and choose and select the woman you know is the one for you.

I'm not saying I have definitely given up looking but I just think that preserving my mental and emotional health is something I need to consider.

You are lonely and miserable right now. You're mental and emotional health is as low as the earth's core never mind the basement. This cry for help on boards has got you attention and advice. This is what you were looking for and now it is up to you to use it. So man up, forget all that tears and loneliness and crap and start with a clean sheet and go out there and make a stab. Why not go into a clothes shop and get yourself some stylish shirts, jeans, suits and so on and dump your old clothes, get a new hair style, get tatoo or an ear piercing or whatever you want. Take up jungling or learn how to walk on your hands or something mad like that or go on a holiday to some place you always wanted to.:)

I have to be realistic about MY situation- it may be less painful to draw a line under my attempts and focus on other aspects of my life. The thought of doing this makes my teeth itch but not everyone finds someone to share life.

That's giving up. That's feeling sorry for yourself and being the poor me victim. That's not attractive to women. That's what's scaring women away. Women don't want to be your replacement mammy. They want a man and they want a lover and fighter.

The evidence says I'm probably one of these people- do I want to spend the next decade of my short life wishing for, what evidently may never be?

It will never be if you give up before you have done anything proactive to realize that dream.
You are giving up at the first hurdle.
You are a sensitive intelligent man who wants to love other people, who hungers and thirsts for happiness.
You have a lot going for you.

Also, consider that I may give up looking and it just may happen anyway. So what's the healthy thing to do? My situation reminds me of this quote- 'It's not the despair. I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand'. This is why I'm increasingly reluctant to take any steps at all.

You have a choice between despair and hope.
Despair perversely enough can become addictive and you have been drinking bottles of despair for do long friendo.
Choose hope.
You have to fight this negative crap.

Go to your GP ask where you can get counselling and when you get an appointment make full use of it and unload and have a cry.
No shame in that.
You don't have to tell friends or family about it.
It will all be confidential.

Maybe my friendship history is a metaphor for my relationship history. I don't have lots and lots of friends but the ones I have more close ones than most people.

That's more than most people. So tell your close friends about your troubles and see if they can help you out.

I don't have casual or shallow relationships with people. Likewise, as one poster suggested, just sitting back and enjoying the dating scene is something I would enjoy on some levels but realistically, for ME, it wouldn't be fulfilling for me. When it comes to all my relationship, it's quality and not quantity I want.

You are putting sex and relationships on a pedestal. Before you will have a clue what you really really want you have to go out there and make mistakes.
Relax have fun with women go to cultural events, eat out, go to concerts, think of unusual dates you can plan and take a woman you just met. Put no pressure on women you meet and date and have a laugh and you will eventually have experience and you will know properly how to have a relationship that can become serious when the right one comes along.

As regards "clicking" with women, I do meet women that I click with. Fairly regularly too. I don't believe in the idea of 'the one'. The ladies I meet that I click with are just with other guys or aren't interested in me. Simple as that.

Well most attractive women are not single - they all have boyfriends of some sort and they have alternatives to choose from if their current boyfriend is not up to scratch. You have to make yourself a better option in her eyes so that she drops her casual f*ck buddies and decides to have a serious relationship with you.

The numbers have always been against me. That's half the problem. I meet women I like (and they're not necessarily supermodels), and they're somehow unattainable.

What is unobtainable about them? If you behave cool, smooth, confident, dress well, work out more, arm yourself with jokes and you have interesting anecdotes about television shows, movies, books, history, theatre, poetry, you learn how to cooks etc. you make yourself a person they want to be around.

I know I could train myself to have more hits. I accept that but in all honesty, hits aren't what I'm looking for. I'm not looking for something unique, I just want something more.

First of all you have to try approaching women and make mistakes, then when you improve and start getting dates you have to experience what works and does not work on a date, then when you have had a few girlfriends you will learn how to be a better lover and then when you finally want to settle down you will know how get the lady of your dreams.
First you crawl, then you stand, then you walk and finally you can run.

So I apologise if this is just another ramble. I do appreciate your thoughts and perspectives.

Well make full use of people's thoughts and perspectives.

King Hearts

Why never me wrote: »

Thanks for your thoughts. The thing is, you're all right. I have been reflecting on things since I started the thread and these are some of my thoughts.

I haven't been making an effort and although the hope of finding someone has naturally evaporated. If I made more of an effort, I would stand a higher chance of meeting someone. That's true. However, with my back story, motivating myself to find someone special after the failures I've experienced seems about as easy as motivating myself to resume my attempts to levitate. I'm not saying I have definitely given up looking but I just think that preserving my mental and emotional health is something I need to consider. I have to be realistic about MY situation- it may be less painful to draw a line under my attempts and focus on other aspects of my life. The thought of doing this makes my teeth itch but not everyone finds someone to share life. The evidence says I'm probably one of these people- do I want to spend the next decade of my short life wishing for, what evidently may never be? Also, consider that I may give up looking and it just may happen anyway. So what's the healthy thing to do? My situation reminds me of this quote- 'It's not the despair. I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand'. This is why I'm increasingly reluctant to take any steps at all.

Maybe my friendship history is a metaphor for my relationship history. I don't have lots and lots of friends but the ones I have more close ones than most people. I don't have casual or shallow relationships with people. Likewise, as one poster suggested, just sitting back and enjoying the dating scene is something I would enjoy on some levels but realistically, for ME, it wouldn't be fulfilling for me. When it comes to all my relationship, it's quality and not quantity I want.

As regards "clicking" with women, I do meet women that I click with. Fairly regularly too. I don't believe in the idea of 'the one'. The ladies I meet that I click with are just with other guys or aren't interested in me. Simple as that. The numbers have always been against me. That's half the problem. I meet women I like (and they're not necessarily supermodels), and they're somehow unattainable. I know I could train myself to have more hits. I accept that but in all honesty, hits aren't what I'm looking for. I'm not looking for something unique, I just want something more.

So I apologise if this is just another ramble. I do appreciate your thoughts and perspectives.

Focus on enjoying yourself, building your social circle and finding your passions. At this stage I don't think it is healthy to find "the one". If you did find her you would no doubt become jealous and needy and afraid of loosing her. Right now you need to focus on your social skills and ability to attract women in general which will build your confidence. Just go out and have fun, when you see women on a night out you should see an opportunity to enjoy yourself. I'd also recommend you read "the power
of Now", it's a great book for
Learning to relax and set your worries a side.

LegacyUser

Well I am in the exact same both as you. it's like you were describing me.
But I think, you seem like a nice guy, you will find someone when the time is right.

I don't want to go through life alone so I'm remaining hopeful I will find a guy and it will just happen for me. I don't think I could ever give up hope for that:)