Child Maintenance after 12 years

stressedchick

Hi, I am a married woman and I have a 3 children. My oldest son (now 12) has never met his father, not my choice but within the last 3 years has asked about him , so I told him who he was , I have tried messaging the fathers fiancé and I went out to their house to see would they agree with visiting my son. I never put the fathers name on the birth cert. I don't think im getting anywhere as the father made it plain and simple from day one he doesn't want anything to do with my son, and after visiting his fiancé she made it quite clear she didn't want anything to do with us. I am quite frustrated as my son is heartbroken his dad doesn't want anything to do with him, so I was thinking of taking a legal route to see would it crack him (the father) to visit his child.because im not getting anywhere as it is. Any advice as to what I should do ? As his name is not on the birth cert and 12 years have gone by will that effect the matter?!...

dipdip

I can only imagine how painful this is for your son. He is very lucky to have you.

I doubt that the legal route would achieve anything more than bitterness and anger from his father after this interference from you guys. Your son may have a right to financial input from his father but unfortunately it is up to his father whether they have a relationship or not. It's sad, but a lot of children have to endure an absent parent.

Forcing something between them may make things worse. His father may make it clear to him in person that he is not interested in him. Your son probably already feels abandoned: meeting a disinterested parent may only cement this.

Big Bag of Chips

Has your son ever been involved with The Rainbows program? It is for kids of seperated/bereaved/one-parent families.

It might be good for him as he will be with his peers, and will also realise there are lots of others in the same situation as him.

I don't know about forcing a relationship with his father. Can I ask why you contacted his fiancée, instead of him directly? That could come across as trouble making on your part, and automatically put them on the defensive.

His dad doesn't want to know. That is heartbreaking for you, as his mother. And is also heartbreaking for him. You can of course persue him for maintenance. You may have to get a DNA test done. But you cannot force access.

Have a look into Rainbows, his school might have some information. You can't make his dad want to see him, but you cam help him accept that.

And in just 6 short years he will be 18... And can turn up on his dad's doorstep himself and ask for answers if he still wants them.

LegacyUser

OP, I am practically in the exact same situation as you, except my son is not heartbroken at all!

I have always been honest and open with him about his dad, told him his name and where he lives etc. A couple of years ago, I even went so far as to get his dads name on his birthcert because I firmly believe that my son had a right to this.

My son is now 11 and has started asking about his dad again - but not in a 'sad' way, more out of curiosity - I am aware that it will probably upset him at some point, and at that stage, I will look into the Rainbows programme or something similar in my area. I also contacted his dads ex-wife, as my son has an older half-sibling, but she's not interested in getting to know my son either.

His dad decided long ago that he didn't want a relationship with my son. I was desperately upset about this, (particularly when I got a letter from his solicitor stating this!!) although he pays maintenance (court ordered). I spoke to support groups for single parents and was also attending a counsellor at the time.

I finally came to the conclusion that my sons relationship with his dad was exactly that - HIS relationship with his dad (and vice-versa) and I had absolutely NO control over it. I would never force his dad to see him, because what message would that be sending my boy?? My boy seems well adjusted in his life for the moment, and I think it's because I accepted long ago that his dad won't be in his life, and so I'm much happier, and so is he.

silly

I have heard good things about Rainbows too, and your son would probably benefit from it. Trying to get a man to meet a child, that he doesnt want to is not an option here really. Meeting his father, who doesnt want much to do with him, will be more heartbreaking in the future for your Son. I see my daughter constantly being let down by her father, it makes me wonder would she have been better off never knowing him...

stressedchick

Yes I feel like im not getting anywhere but I feel maybe the legal route might give him a kick up the ass ... but what is the max I could get does anyone know from doing it the legal way ?

silly

I have tried to go the legal way, for about 9 years, at the end of the day if he doesnt want to pay - he wont. I have given up asking. And he does see her around 1 every 2 months

stressedchick

Hi Silly,
I would appreciate if you wouldn't mind messaging me any advice at all in regards the route you took legally ... I know you say it took 9 years , but how did it take so long and what complications were there ? .. apologies for the questions but I need all the advice I can get :-)

Honey-ec

Access and maintenance are two completely separate issues. You can't force him to have a relationship with his son and pursuing him for maintenance to punish him for this is beyond spiteful. I honestly don't know why you'd even consider going down this road.

If you need the money, then that's a different matter, but it doesn't sound at all like this is your motivation for going after him. I'd have a long hard, think about pursuing this, OP. All you're going to do is cause trouble, heartache and bitterness all round.

The Corinthian

As others have suggested, you cannot force your son's father to have a relationship with his son. It's sad, but it happens and ultimately there's nothing that you can do about it and, honestly, that's not a bad thing because would you really want to be able to legally force someone to have a relationship they don't want to have? Recipe for disaster, TBH.

A long time ago, a girlfriend of mine traced and contacted her biological mother, who had given her up for adoption. The reply she got was polite, but made it clear that she did not want to pursue any relationship with, or even meet, her however she did say that it was not her (my then girlfriend's) fault that things had turned out like that and wished her a good life.

She was naturally devastated by this, but she also admitted that it gave her some sense of closure and the admission that it was not her fault helped.

If your son's father is unwilling to meet or get to know his son, then at least he may be willing to write him such a letter. While not ideal, it may well be better than nothing and may give your son some closure on it.

Cabaal

You can't force this to be honest and a legal route is only going to create bitterness,

In all honesty look at it from your sons point of view in a few years, when he finds out his dad had to be brought to court so he'd seem him. This isn't normal or a good thing to happen.

Its a very hard situation to deal with, a letter may help but its not going to be easy which ever way you go. I suppose the important message to get across to your son is, its nothing he's done.