Parents of only children defensive?

CarMe

My daughter is an only child and I'm an only child myself so this is in no way biased! I've just noticed lately how defensive parents of only children get about their choice to only have one, I never realised it was such an emotive topic and I'm really surprised it is! At my mother and toddler group the parents of only children seem to hone in on me and reel off all the benefits for only having one, say how well I turned out because I was an only child and how lucky I am now I can focus solely on my daughter. My mam was exactly the same when I was younger, always going on about the merits of only children, how we couldn't have gone here or there on holidays if they'd had more than one and would get annoyed if somebody had a different opinion. It was only when she was dying she said how she would have loved to have more but couldn't.

What I don't get is the horror then when I say I would have liked to have a sibling, its as if I'm betraying the parents of only children fraternity and a friendly chat turns into them ranting about why it really is better to only have one and often throwing in studies and listing off all the people they know who don't speak to their siblings.
I know a girl who had little boy who was an only child and she was exactly the same for years but now she has a new baby she's totally mellowed, she's not getting uptight and listing off why its best to have two! Why do great parents even feel the need to defend themselves and their choices?

My daughters dad and I aren't together and we are both quite young so its possible she will have step siblings from one or both of us or maybe she won't. Does it really matter? Will I become a crusader for only children? Has anyone else noticed this?

Karede

95% of parents I know who have only children, only do so because for whatever reason were not able to have any more.

I think it is a bit of a defense mechanism as it is easier to defend only children than it is to explain fertility problems which can be so painful.

Now im certainly not saying all people who have only children cant have anymore kids...just the ones i know for some reason but I think this may be one reason why they can be defensive.

pwurple

Karede wrote: »

95% of parents I know who have only children, only do so because for whatever reason were not able to have any more.

+1 Most of my close friends who have one child, have gone through either miscarriage, stillbirth, damage to uterus during first birth, relationship breakdown or unexplained fertility since. They are justifiably defensive about people who suggest a child needs or wants a sibling.

Tasden

I have only one child and doubt I'll have any more but its mainly just because I know I am too selfish to. I get frustrated easily and being a parent to one doesn't come easily let alone any extra!
I personally have never come across the defensive attitude you describe op. I have noticed most parents will bring up the topic of siblings though so maybe people with just one child feel they have to be on the defensive due to constantly being asked when they're giving the child a brother or sister.

Sleepy

Perhaps it's due to the regularity with which only children are spoiled rotten? I'm not in any way saying that all only children are, but it was a genuine surprise to many of the adults at my daughters birthday party on Saturday when the really whiny, annoying child was collected by her mother and little sister. All of them (including a mother of a single child herself) had assumed she was an only child.

Moonbeam

I am an only child and hated every 2nd of it and still do so unintentionally I feel really sorry for them and presume there were issues so that is why there is only 1 child.

I would never suggest to them that their child needs a sibling though,that is their business and we don't know what tragedy or choices maybe behind their decisions.

Synyster Shadow

I was an only child for most of my life then parents separated and now I have 4 sisters between both of them with these current relationships. I hated been alone but it was around the time that you had to get married if you were pregnant. And well it didn't work out for my parents so I was the only child they had together.

Every situation is different. I know people? Who had 1 sibling growing up and resent them as they get all the help while they had to do everything alone and for themselves. I think happiness is down to the individual family

Kathnora

Why can't people who only have one child and would like more but can't have a second child for various reasons not just state that fact??? I don't see any harm in saying.... "We would have liked another child but it just didn't happen for us" end of story...no further explanation needed and that's that! In fact with many women not having children until their mid 30s it is becoming more and more common to see one child families. I don't see the need for being so defensive. It is sad to think that the op's mother only admitted her true feelings when she was close to death herself.

I have a work colleague who only has one child. She gave birth to her daughter at the age of 37. Now, what got me annoyed was this woman's attitude towards producing a second child. No way would she consider a second child before No.1 was at least 3 years old...she just couldn't cope!! Sadly she didn't factor in the fact that that would make her 40 trying to conceive...and guess what?.....it didn't happen. So, all I'm saying is that the "clock" can't be ignored ESPECIALLY when you are in a position to do something about it!

Tasden

Kathnora wrote: »

Why can't people who only have one child and would like more but can't have a second child for various reasons not just state that fact??? I don't see any harm in saying.... "We would have liked another child but it just didn't happen for us" end of story...no further explanation needed and that's that! In fact with many women not having children until their mid 30s it is becoming more and more common to see one child families. I don't see the need for being so defensive. It is sad to think that the op's mother only admitted her true feelings when she was close to death herself.

I don't understand why people need to know the reason either though. It would never even cross my mind to comment on how many children someone has/intends to have, never mind the reason why.

ash23

I have one child. I wanted more but so far haven't had any. I'm not defensive about having one child unless some idiot starts going on about lonely or spoiled only.children. Much the same as if I had 3 and people were saying that I wasn't able to give them enough time or money.


If anyone starts judging me or my child or my family situation or gets passremarkabke about it, I'll pull them on it.

Big Bag of Chips

That's a good point, ash23. It is something that is absolutely nobody else's business except the parents involved. But, in spite of it being nobody else's business almost everyone feels the right to have an opinion on something so personal.

My family is my business. It does not affect or interfere with anyone else's life, so it shouldn't be of any concern to anyone how many children I have. But that doesn't matter! Most people feel like "they have to say something" and the something they say is usually the same cliched, unoriginal thing that everyone before them has said.

When I had 2, first was a boy, second a girl, the amount of people who said "at least you won't have to go again"... I never HAD to go to begin with. And it didn't matter to those people whether I had 2 or 12... But again, people feel the need "to say something"!

Kathnora

Kathnora wrote: »

Why can't people who only have one child and would like more but can't have a second child for various reasons not just state that fact???

Because it's not anyone else's business?
It's not my business how many kids other people choose to have, or find themselves unexpectedly dealing with.

What I don't understand are parents, women usually, who determine how many kids they'll have because they "always" had a figure in their head. How can you know how you'll manage emotionally and financially without actually having a child first? It's bizarre.
My husband and I agreed that we'd have one and see how it went.

I'm not defensive about having one. But it is great! I can give him the attention he needs at his young age. We may in the future decide to try again but we may not.
As for being spoiled, the most self absorbed individuals I've met in life had siblings. It's a lazy cliche that only children are brats.

Neyite

Kathnora wrote: »

Why can't people who only have one child and would like more but can't have a second child for various reasons not just state that fact??? I don't see any harm in saying.... "We would have liked another child but it just didn't happen for us" end of story...no further explanation needed and that's that! In fact with many women not having children until their mid 30s it is becoming more and more common to see one child families. I don't see the need for being so defensive. It is sad to think that the op's mother only admitted her true feelings when she was close to death herself.

I have a work colleague who only has one child. She gave birth to her daughter at the age of 37. Now, what got me annoyed was this woman's attitude towards producing a second child. No way would she consider a second child before No.1 was at least 3 years old...she just couldn't cope!! Sadly she didn't factor in the fact that that would make her 40 trying to conceive...and guess what?.....it didn't happen. So, all I'm saying is that the "clock" can't be ignored ESPECIALLY when you are in a position to do something about it!

To answer your first paragraph, I disagree that with your view that somehow the use of my uterus or otherwise is somehow other peoples business, and that its no harm to give an explanation. Eh, why should I? Its nobody's fcuking business whether its through choice, infertility or otherwise. I think people are just too bloody opinionated about other peoples reproductive choices and quite frankly, after years of difficulty getting pregnant, I'm sick and tired of being nice in the face of people making assumptions that I'm selfish/ lazy/ insert other derogatory thought about me. Its nobodys business whether I wanted more than one or not. Its nobodys business if I couldn't (because I've had that conversation so many times and funnily enough, it always seems to be fertile amateurs that deign to tell me exactly how to get pregnant :rolleyes:)

I am more than happy to share my story with couples who are experiencing difficulty, and give them information of a private and personal nature if it helps them. I've been a frequent contributor on a long thread about infertility here, and hope that I've helped make the infertility road a slightly nicer and less lonely place, but I am damned if I am going to discuss my sex life with some nosy git purely for social chit-chat and gossip. Because thats all it is, that "shouldnt you both be getting a move on?" /"oh, you are not getting any younger"/ "isnt it time you gave Junior a sibling?" Social gossip. About my uterus. No thanks!

Your second paragraph sounds gloaty and quite frankly, gleeful in the face of someone's misfortune. How awful.

iguana

Deleted User wrote: »

How can you know how you'll manage emotionally and financially without actually having a child first? It's bizarre.

Because some people are actually pretty aware of how they will manage both emotionally and financially and can know exactly what is ideal to them before they have children. Parenthood has brought very few surprises to me on either a practical or an emotional level. Other factors in my life have changed in ways I wouldn't have imagined but how I feel about motherhood and the day to day reality of it is about 98% what I imagined all my life.

Synyster Shadow

My hubby wanted 4 and we are expecting our second and well we now decided that we have more than enough for now. I was told I'd have none so it's a miracle for us. I don't regret either having two.

Sunny Dayz

I think parents (and moreso mothers) of only children do have to be defensive. I feel like I have to almost explain myself to others because I only have one. I know this sounds awful but sometimes I wish that I had something wrong fertility-wise at least then it would shut people up. Rather than just having to say I'm just stopping with the one child and getting an awkward, aren't you selfish look. I have one son (aged 9). I had him at a young age and his bio father isn't involved. Met and married my husband a few years ago. I am just waiting for someone to say outright when are you going to give him a child of his own, I'm only getting the "anything stirring, any news" comments so far. I have had people slag me over the years, when are you give your son a little sibling. To be honest, I really wouldn't like to go back to the beginning with another child. I would hate to go back to nappies, late nights, toilet training, so much work involved in raising a baby.

I like being a mum to one child. I feel like we get the best of both worlds. We have a child and get to enjoy him and all his wonders and all he entails but we can get a certain amount of freedom ourselves. We also bring him with us as much as we can wherever we go to ensure he gets to experience life.

sleepytrees

I'm a parent of an only child. My child is only 11months old and people are constantly asking me when I plan to give him a sibling. My Husband and I only want one child. We have our reasons. If I'm defensive about only having one child it's usually because the person who asks about my plans with MY uterus is telling me the negatives of having an only child. I can't tell you in the last 11 months how many people have commented and asked when I would be having another and when I tell them that one is my limit, I have got lots of criticism. "Oh the poor child" "He needs a brother or sister" etc etc. Now I stop responding. It's nobodies business how many children my husband and I decide to have and if I'm defensive it's because of all the negative stuff that has been said to me.

Personally I think if you are a happy person you will stop looking at others and judging them and focus on your life and your own children. Seriously what does it matter what everybody else does with their life?! Focus on your own life!! Your OWN uterus and conception plans

I have a gorgeous, happy and healthy 'only child', who has loads of cousins. He is out going and friendly!! I plan on giving him the best childhood possible and I believe this is possible without having another child.

If someone decides to have 100 children! Good for them!! I on the other hand only want one!

(Sorry for the rant but it just seems like a mad concept to some people if you only want one child)

Ms2011

[quote="Kathnora;86906961Now, what got me annoyed was this woman's attitude towards producing a second child. No way would she consider a second child before No.1 was at least 3 years old...she just couldn't cope!! Sadly she didn't factor in the fact that that would make her 40 trying to conceive...and guess what?.....it didn't happen. So, all I'm saying is that the "clock" can't be ignored ESPECIALLY when you are in a position to do something about it![/quote]

Well this woman's attitude is pretty much mine too. Some women are born mothers & can cope with have having their children close together & some, myself included have to work a little harder at motherhood.
My son won't have a sibling before he's 3 & if it turns out we've left it too late then so be it. I don't see the point in having another child who I can't invest in as much as I would like just because I was in a better position to get pregnant earlier. It wouldn't be fair on that child or my existing child.

Hannibal Smith

It doesn't seem to matter how many kids you have people will chuck their tuppence worth in. I have two boys and the amount of times I get asked when I'm going again for the girl is very annoying. I can take it as a joke when its intended as one...but people can be very darn pushy about it!

Kathnora

Your second paragraph sounds gloaty and quite frankly, gleeful in the face of someone's misfortune. How awful. (Neyite)

You are so wrong there, Neyite and wrong of you to assume I may be gloating or gleeful. I know my colleague regrets her decision to postpone trying for a second child (13 years later). My purpose in bringing up the subject was simply to send a message re family planning, fertility and "age" issues. We can't play God, unfortunately.

sleepytrees

Kathnora wrote: »

Your second paragraph sounds gloaty and quite frankly, gleeful in the face of someone's misfortune. How awful. (Neyite)

You are so wrong there, Neyite and wrong of you to assume I may be gloating or gleeful. I know my colleague regrets her decision to postpone trying for a second child (13 years later). My purpose in bringing up the subject was simply to send a message re family planning, fertility and "age" issues. We can't play God, unfortunately.

What makes you assume that everyone wants a second child?

Why is it up to you to spread the word of 'Fertility and 'Age' issues? I think we all found most of the information out on our first pregnancy...

Kathnora

Ms2011 : Well this woman's attitude is pretty much mine too. Some women are born mothers & can cope with have having their children close together & some, myself included have to work a little harder at motherhood.
My son won't have a sibling before he's 3 & if it turns out we've left it too late then so be it. I don't see the point in having another child who I can't invest in as much as I would like just because I was in a better position to get pregnant earlier. It wouldn't be fair on that child or my existing child. (end quote)

Sad to hear that this is your opinion. My colleague regrets her decision as I have stated above (Post 20) Her daughter is also a very lonely child at 13 years old. Yes, she has friends but she does spend a lot of time alone as both parents work (one from home) and are not always in a position to bring her here, there and everywhere to various activities and friends' homes etc. The child's needs deserve to be considered too as well as those of the mother.

sleepytrees

"Sad to hear that this is your opinion. My colleague regrets her decision as I have stated above (Post 20) Her daughter is also a very lonely child at 13 years old. Yes, she has friends but she does spend a lot of time alone as both parents work (one from home) and are not always in a position to bring her here, there and everywhere to various activities and friends' homes etc. The child's needs deserve to be considered too as well as those of the mother.[/QUOTE]

AND you wonder why people are defensive with you....?! hmmm

wolfpawnat

I don't see what's wrong with having only one child or enough children to field a GAA team, to each their own as long as they raise them as opposed to dragging them up. I am sick of the "spoilt little rich only child" cliche. I have only met a handful of children like that in my whole parenting life. Other only children I met are beyond lovely and well rounded. Some of the parents have voiced openly they would love another, but are not in a position to have more due to the reasons stated already. Some people just want the one and that is fine too.

When I had my son for 4 years I put up with "Sure you should have another, he'll be lonely." "You'd surely love a little girl" "Sure you can't have only one." I did have another, and to many it was like I had finally performed my duty. I am now being told "You have one of each now so you'll leave it at that sure." My reproductive life apparently is the business of others.

hoodwinked

i am a mother of one, both my husband and i growing up always assumed we'd have three children when we met the right person...etc

he has two siblings, i am the only child my parents had, with 2 half siblings off each parent.

because of the age gap i was as good as an only child,

constantly we get digs (particularly off grandmothers and elderly relatives) about 'when is she going to get a sibling' and we are leaving 'too big an age gap' and 'only children are selfish and spoiled' ....


we decided together as a couple after having her for our own reasons we couldn't do nappies, bottles, being stuck in night after night with a baby, i was lucky to get my pre pregnancy body back after her (with almost no stretchmarks or big belly...etc) and maybe people think its selfish, but i'm happy having my daughter and still feeling like myself,

she herself gets the best of us as we always have time for her, and can afford to spend that bit more on christmas presents and birthday presents (the only time she gets new toys/games excluding random gifts from family) and get her the things she wants, money we wouldn't have to spare if we were spending €20 a week on nappies/baby milk, not to mention having to buy all the baby stuff again since we gave hers away.

she has her friends in school and most people are surprised when they realise she is an only child, i don't think being an only child makes her more clever (she is, but its from her dad she gets it) or better off anymore than i think it makes her worse off, but we even had some of her teachers talking to us about their astonishment when she does some things and heading it under "although i suppose she is an only child" implying she sits at home bored and learns things Matilda esq,


yes she has benefits we personally wouldn't be able for with more children, but there are two sides to that,i just feel defensive when people constantly say things like "but she will be lonely" how many people with siblings feel lonely??? its a ridiculous argument in my opinion.

tl:dr imo no child can be and should be labeled due to how many times their parents conceived, even put like that it sounds ridiculous!

Ms2011

Kathnora wrote: »

Ms2011 : Well this woman's attitude is pretty much mine too. Some women are born mothers & can cope with have having their children close together & some, myself included have to work a little harder at motherhood.
My son won't have a sibling before he's 3 & if it turns out we've left it too late then so be it. I don't see the point in having another child who I can't invest in as much as I would like just because I was in a better position to get pregnant earlier. It wouldn't be fair on that child or my existing child. (end quote)

Sad to hear that this is your opinion. My colleague regrets her decision as I have stated above (Post 20) Her daughter is also a very lonely child at 13 years old. Yes, she has friends but she does spend a lot of time alone as both parents work (one from home) and are not always in a position to bring her here, there and everywhere to various activities and friends' homes etc. The child's needs deserve to be considered too as well as those of the mother.

So me giving my son a sibling while being stretched too thinly to give them both the attention they need makes you sad rather than me recognising that I need to put my existing child first before bringing another child into our home?!!

Kathnora

Yes, sleepytrees, I know and do respect people's decisions to decide on the size of their families even if I personally hold the opinion (which I am entitled to hold) that a one child family is not ideal and can lead to lots of lonely children. And...whether people like it or not fertility and age are significant factors which SOME people think can be ignored...just stating facts and not trying to lecture anyone as people will do what they want to do at the end of the day. My tuppence worth may just be listened to by someone...hopefully!

gctest50

hoodwinked wrote: »

.........

constantly we get digs (particularly off grandmothers and elderly relatives) about 'when is she going to get a sibling' and we are leaving 'too big an age gap' and 'only children are selfish and spoiled' ....

"Why would it matter ? You probably won't be alive anyway ?"

works but is sinking to their level

.

hoodwinked

gctest50 wrote: »

.

i would never dream of saying it but that made me laugh though :pac:

i think as parents we all get defensive at times, i know i do, i guess we all believe our child is the best ever and brag too much (again i know i do) as much as we get defensive,

Neyite

Kathnora wrote: »

Sad to hear that this is your opinion. My colleague regrets her decision as I have stated above (Post 20) Her daughter is also a very lonely child at 13 years old. Yes, she has friends but she does spend a lot of time alone as both parents work (one from home) and are not always in a position to bring her here, there and everywhere to various activities and friends' homes etc. The child's needs deserve to be considered too as well as those of the mother.

And you can have a big family and still have a lonely child. I was too old to play with the younger ones and the older ones didn't want me tagging along. I was one of those and spent lots of time on my own, playing on my own.

My mother spent a large part of her childhood rearing her younger siblings. And well into her thirties she still sent a large portion of her wage home to help support them. Thats not much of a childhood when you were wholly responsible for your younger siblings and become a "mother" to them from the age of 6.

You don't (and shouldn't) have more than one child so that they entertain each other because their parents are too busy with work to drive them to play dates.

And most of us don't need the age-related fertility speech. I'm 38 and had my child a year ago. Do people really think that we are that stupid that we fecklessly sat around drinking lattes and cosmopolitans and too interested in buying designer handbags and shoes and going clubbing to bother with starting our family earlier? Thats the implied impression that we get - your description of your colleague exactly personifies the judgement that we get.

The truth of it is, both sexes are becoming parents later in life, but nobody bangs on about the man being selfish. Nope, they practically get an approving pat on the back for sowing their wild oats.

Some of us simply didn't meet anyone who wanted to settle down that young. Some of us didn't meet anyone until we were in our thirties - I myself have been broody from about 22, but didn't find anyone who I thought would be a good enough dad and life partner until I was nearing 30, and then I was a bit busy nursing a dying parent and juggling work to even think of having babies.

But yeah, let people who I don't know very well sniff disapprovingly at my advanced maternal age and judge me as some selfish dimwit sex-and-the-city wannabee who is clueless about my fertility. And then I should be nice and tell them all about my uterus, instead of telling them to mind their own business.

iverjohnston

My wife and I have one child, now 7 years old. The amount of catty remarks you get from other mothers at school gates etc is incredible. "Oh, you have only one?" "does she not be lonely in the holidays" even a teacher with "X likes to be in charge at playtime, you often see that in only children, they don't have to share."
Even had a 12 year old girl tell her "you know your children won't have any cousins , cause you have no brothers and sisters" Try explaining that one to a 6 year old.
Wagons, the lot of them .
A fellow wouldn't say that to you, because
(a) he couldn't give a toss if you had 1 or 10, and
(b ) if he did, he knows he would get a dig, either verbal or actual.