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Parents of only children defensive?

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    #32
    wolfpawnat
    Registered Users Posts: 6,124 ✭✭✭wolfpawnat


    Regarding the sharing thing, that works two ways. Only kids don't often know how to share, and many kids with siblings don't want to as they are sick of sharing!


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    #33
    lolli
    Registered Users Posts: 1,173 ✭✭✭lolli


    I only have one child, I don't mind people talking about her being an only child but I find that other people tend to get defensive about the fact that I have only one.

    I have tried to explain the reasons for my choice and that maybe in a couple of years I'd change my mind but I'm always being met by question after question. Won't she be lonely? You aren't being fair to her... it's about time you had another..

    People can be so inappropriate we decided last year that after our daughter had major surgery that I would take time out and stay at home with her because it was important that she had a good recovery time and I was also met with distain over that. Yesterday I called to the local shop and was accosted by the owner, she wanted to know was I applying for jobs, to what companies etc. People think they have a right to know all this information about you but if you return the questions back to them they will also get defensive.

    A friend of mine who had two kids in 18 months recently asked me if I had found a job I replied saying that I had decided to stay at home until I felt my daughter didn't need me as much I returned the question to her and she immediately got defensive and said to me that she had enough to be doing raising two children without having to look for a job. It's a funny old world we live in. We all make choices on what we feel is best for our lives and who are we to question anyone on it. I have no problem with people asking me questions but when they go into defensive mode over my choices in life I get mad.


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    #34
    iverjohnston
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,242 ✭✭✭iverjohnston


    Problem is, they exist on a diet of soap operas and ****e magazines and TV shows. Where every prurient detail of some air-heads life is considered "current affairs".
    They think your private life is an extension of their favourite entertainment, and feel entitled to speculate on it.
    When challenged, their entire value system is suddenly questioned, and the easiest response is to sneer.
    (Irony is a foreign concept )


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    #35
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    Kathnora wrote: »
    Why can't people who only have one child and would like more but can't have a second child for various reasons not just state that fact??? I don't see any harm in saying.... "We would have liked another child but it just didn't happen for us" end of story...no further explanation needed and that's that! In fact with many women not having children until their mid 30s it is becoming more and more common to see one child families.

    Ugh. This is the reason. We were trying 5 years before we got pregnant the first time. I think for nearly two whole years after we were married I was asked every single day when we were going to 'start trying'. Would people ever stick their damn noses out of our sex life. Do they want a video? We were told there was only a tiny chance for us with ICSI eventually after investigations.

    When we did have a child we were delighted. That started the 'when are you going to have another' bull. I distinctly remember being out of hospital two hours after being told my next baby had no heartbeat and I was about to miscarry, and some dumbass neighbour asked me when we were having another.

    I have a close friend who I have seen brought to tears by strangers asking this. They had a second child, who passed away at 1 week old from a disorder. It was genetic, and they were advised not to go again, as chances were high it would happen again. And yet people still ask her when she is going to 'give her son a sibling'. She makes her excuses and runs to the loo for a cry usually. I'm left there picturing myself giving the randomer a slap.

    I NEVER ever ask people about reproduction. It is NONE of anyones business.


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    #36
    sleepytrees
    Closed Accounts Posts: 348 ✭✭sleepytrees


    Kathnora wrote: »
    Yes, sleepytrees, I know and do respect people's decisions to decide on the size of their families even if I personally hold the opinion (which I am entitled to hold) that a one child family is not ideal and can lead to lots of lonely children. And...whether people like it or not fertility and age are significant factors which SOME people think can be ignored...just stating facts and not trying to lecture anyone as people will do what they want to do at the end of the day. My tuppence worth may just be listened to by someone...hopefully!

    So do you have children? And if so.. do you have one of each? and if you don't have one of each.. I really think you should.. and if you do have one of each then I think you should try for another one of each.. so they can have a the experience of having brothers and sisters.. so at least four.. because wouldn't it just be awful if they didn't know how it was too have sisters and brothers.. and you shouldn't leave it longer than 2yrs between each child.. as you don't want a big age gap... Now get busy!


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    #37
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Kathnora wrote: »
    Yes, sleepytrees, I know and do respect people's decisions to decide on the size of their families even if I personally hold the opinion (which I am entitled to hold) that a one child family is not ideal and can lead to lots of lonely children.

    What is your ideal family so, just out of curiosity?
    What kind of set-up is ideal for you? Two kids, mum at home? Or three kids, both parents working?
    Your ideal is not the same as everyone else's ideal.

    You know there's a difference between being alone and being lonely?

    I'm getting defensive now ha! No surprise given the utter crap I hear and read about how I should live my life.


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    #38
    Moonbeam
    Moderators, Education Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 18,953 Mod ✭✭✭✭Moonbeam


    Kathnora - were you an only child?

    I think it is very hard for some only children to imagine any only child not being lonely.


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    #39
    ash23
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,791 ✭✭✭ash23


    Kathnora wrote: »
    Yes, sleepytrees, I know and do respect people's decisions to decide on the size of their families even if I personally hold the opinion (which I am entitled to hold) that a one child family is not ideal and can lead to lots of lonely children. And...whether people like it or not fertility and age are significant factors which SOME people think can be ignored...just stating facts and not trying to lecture anyone as people will do what they want to do at the end of the day. My tuppence worth may just be listened to by someone...hopefully!


    Hmmm, having grown up in a large family without a pot to p*ss in, I would have to say I disagree.
    I have one child for a variety of reasons. Relationships ending, financial problems and just when all that was getting resolved, bam! here's a disability just to make things more interesting!
    I could have had another one, been a single parent with two kids by uninterested fathers, have had no money and now be in a position where my eldest is left raising the youngest because of my ill health.

    So her being "lonely" would be the least of her problems!

    It's far too simplistic to say that more than one is "ideal". For you perhaps but that law can't be applied to each and every family.


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    #40
    Mink
    Registered Users Posts: 2,260 ✭✭✭Mink


    I have one and might only stick with the one. I certainly wouldn't be having another child so that the first one has company, or because I want at least one of each gender.

    Since having my fella I've realised I'm not really naturally maternal, I don't think I even necessarily enjoy the young baby stage, I found it very hard. Now he's over a year, I'm really seeing his character come out and I'm very excited about raising him and who he's going to become and how much I can help him.

    This has made me realise that this would be the deciding factor to having another, just want to raise a good person and help them along in life to achieve what they want. Could care less if it's a boy or a girl.

    So, if people are making comments (and they have already for years) I just ignore them. I also ignore all the generalities about only children as a lot of the time it's untrue and exaggerated. I've seen some very bratish children with siblings. I'm the baby in my family and I've heard every generality about that.


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    #41
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    iverjohnston wrote: »
    A fellow wouldn't say that to you, because
    (a) he couldn't give a toss if you had 1 or 10, and
    (b ) if he did, he knows he would get a dig, either verbal or actual.

    It is not my experience that this is a female-only inquiry.

    Some men are utterly ridiculous for it. I had a male colleague a few years ago who would ask maybe 3 or 4 times a week. Maybe it's because I mainly work with men, was in college in a 90% male class so the bulk of my friends are men, and have 9 uncles, but men are no strangers to asking about my uterus anyway. Some of them say it in a more jokey way, but it's equally unwelcome.


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    #42
    dori_dormer
    Registered Users Posts: 1,919 ✭✭✭dori_dormer


    I think I would have actually been more confident and out going had I been an only child. My sister is one year older than me and she did nothing but resent me since the day I was born. She bullied me all my childhood, told me kids on the street didnt like me and didnt want to play with me. We had completely different interests, me- books and lego, her - barbies and makeup.
    We still are polar opposites, and never speak unless we are in the same room - we just have nothing in common. Since moving away from home Ive become a different person. I know you cant tell how childrens personalities will pan out until they are older so really the only thing you can focus on for family planning is you, your OH and your personal lifestyle/financial/emotional situations.

    I do have a friend who is an only child, her parents were either only children or siblings died youngish so she has no cousins. She finds it very lonely now, with only her father left alive. Her husband has a very large extended family so at least she has that. She didnt question it growing up though, it was just the way her life was. She told me she wished she had a sister to teach her about makeup and hair and that - I told her about my sister and she thinks she got the better deal! :)


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    #43
    iverjohnston
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,242 ✭✭✭iverjohnston


    pwurple wrote: »
    It is not my experience that this is a female-only inquiry.

    Some men are utterly ridiculous for it. I had a male colleague a few years ago who would ask maybe 3 or 4 times a week.

    Now that's very creepy.
    Was he hoping you would ask him to rectify the "problem"?


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    #44
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    dori_dormer it's interesting to read your experience. A good friend of mine is a twin. She and her twin were like chalk and cheese as kids and never got along. They hated each other as teenagers and she came into her own when they went their separate ways as adults.
    They're in their 30s now and not close at all.

    I find the idyllic vision of siblings growing up close isn't quite the correct picture in reality, based on my own and many other people's experiences.


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    #45
    wolfpawnat
    Registered Users Posts: 6,124 ✭✭✭wolfpawnat


    Siblings is not automatic company. I never really got on with mine and since I left home (2006) I have seen her twice. I have two kids and she is godmother to neither. We just don't have anything in common, never have.


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    #46
    CarMe
    Registered Users Posts: 677 ✭✭✭CarMe


    Thanks to everyone for replying. Now I genuinely don't want to offend anyone and certainly don't want to start an argument but isn't it ironic how so many posts here are people with an only child, explaining themselves! And a couple of examples of siblings that don't get along thrown in too, just like I stated in my original post.

    This was my original point which seems to have been lost.


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    #47
    Kinley Gray Volleyball
    Posts: 0 ✭ Kinley Gray Volleyball


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    That's a good point, ash23. It is something that is absolutely nobody else's business except the parents involved. But, in spite of it being nobody else's business almost everyone feels the right to have an opinion on something so personal.

    My family is my business. It does not affect or interfere with anyone else's life, so it shouldn't be of any concern to anyone how many children I have. But that doesn't matter! Most people feel like "they have to say something" and the something they say is usually the same cliched, unoriginal thing that everyone before them has said.

    When I had 2, first was a boy, second a girl, the amount of people who said "at least you won't have to go again"... I never HAD to go to begin with. And it didn't matter to those people whether I had 2 or 12... But again, people feel the need "to say something"!


    Yeah, it's called making conversation. They probably weren't interested in the least...it's just a flippant little remark to avoid simply saying 'oh' or just 'congratulations'. People feel the need to "say something" because it's polite to feign an interest in things which you really don't care about when you can see that the other person is excited about it. Same as with any other topic.

    It's a million miles away from questions which really are intrusive and hurtful, like asking why aren't you having a baby, when will you be giving child X a sibling...that's asking for very personal information when you know there's a good chance it could be a sensitive topic.


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    #48
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,042 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I had gotten all those questions before we had kids!! I was iwth my husband about 6 years and married for 3. And then once I had the 2, boy and girl, people felt the need to tell me that I had permission to stop!!

    I do agree that it is completely different to intrusive questions. But the people asking those questions could just as easily say they are "just making conversation". Insensitive, intrusive people don't tend to have the self awareness to realise they are insensitive or intrusive.

    My point is people ask or comment on all sorts, because they feel they have a right or "are just making conversation".

    I think the OP could easily leave the word "only" out of her title and the thread would still be relevant. As far as other people are concerned parents will always either have too many or too few children.. regardless of what the number!

    And it's never anybody else's business.


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    #49
    sleepytrees
    Closed Accounts Posts: 348 ✭✭sleepytrees


    CarMe wrote: »
    Thanks to everyone for replying. Now I genuinely don't want to offend anyone and certainly don't want to start an argument but isn't it ironic how so many posts here are people with an only child, explaining themselves! And a couple of examples of siblings that don't get along thrown in too, just like I stated in my original post.

    This was my original point which seems to have been lost.


    Who better to answer you question about only children and parents of an only child... than parents with only one child and people who were the only child?!
    Also a Thread entitled "Parents of only children defensive' will attract parents of only children..... I don't really find that ironic.... It's just logical.. no offense like.


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    #50
    anncoates
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13,925 ✭✭✭✭anncoates


    wolfpawnat wrote: »
    Siblings is not automatic company. I never really got on with mine and since I left home (2006) I have seen her twice. I have two kids and she is godmother to neither. We just don't have anything in common, never have.

    Think it's more about the company and socialization as kids rather than any guarantee they'll be big friends later in life.


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    #51
    Kinley Gray Volleyball
    Posts: 0 ✭ Kinley Gray Volleyball


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    I had gotten all those questions before we had kids!! I was iwth my husband about 6 years and married for 3. And then once I had the 2, boy and girl, people felt the need to tell me that I had permission to stop!!

    I do agree that it is completely different to intrusive questions. But the people asking those questions could just as easily say they are "just making conversation". Insensitive, intrusive people don't tend to have the self awareness to realise they are insensitive or intrusive.

    My point is people ask or comment on all sorts, because they feel they have a right or "are just making conversation".

    I think the OP could easily leave the word "only" out of her title and the thread would still be relevant. As far as other people are concerned parents will always either have too many or too few children.. regardless of what the number!

    And it's never anybody else's business.

    Yeah but IMO, there is a big difference between the 'when are you having kids?' type questions and the type of comments you mentioned. I don't see how the latter is insensitive or intrusive in the slightest. I mean, what should people say?

    I'm sure I'm guilty of making unoriginal comments/jokes like that when people bring their new baby into work, but honestly, I really just don't care. I'm trying to be polite by feigning an interest. I'm really thinking about the photocopying I need to do and whether I can make that 4pm appointment at the GP. I think some people read too much into what really are 'small talk' type remarks because they think people care much more than they actually do.


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    #52
    CarMe
    Registered Users Posts: 677 ✭✭✭CarMe


    sleepytrees wrote: »
    Who better to answer you question about only children and parents of an only child... than parents with only one child and people who were the only child?!
    Also a Thread entitled "Parents of only children defensive' will attract parents of only children..... I don't really find that ironic.... It's just logical.. no offense like.

    But I didn't ask anywhere in my post what people felt were the benefits of having an only child, I was actually asking WHY the parents of only children talk about the benefits so often, and in reply I got lots of people talking about the benefits of only children!


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    #53
    ash23
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,791 ✭✭✭ash23


    CarMe wrote: »
    But I didn't ask anywhere in my post what people felt were the benefits of having an only child, I was actually asking WHY the parents of only children talk about the benefits so often, and in reply I got lots of people talking about the benefits of only children!

    No, you didn't. Most people who defending or explained having one child or pointed out the benefits were actually replying to the comments of another poster who basically said having an only child was a bad thing. Or another who said a lot of only children are spoiled rotten.

    If someone said that about having any type of family, people would defend or explain their choices.

    Parents of only children will of course get defensive when stupid stereotypical opinions are made about their children or when their choices or family setup are deemed to be less than ideal. Any parent would.

    If I made a post saying for example, I disagree with having large families because of overpopulation, parents of large families would probably post disagreeing with me, defending their choices and explaining the benefits they feel from having a large family.

    If someone says to me that my child is most likely spoiled, lonely and unhappy about not having a sibling and that it's somewhat selfish of me not to consider her in my family planning choices, you can be damn sure I'm going to point out that me having another child couldn't be a worse option for my child and why, that its' not me being selfish, that she's not spoiled or lonely and that yes, she would like a sibling but overall, it's best at the moment that it not happen. Also, I will point out that while she might like a sibling, there are perks to being an only child (as the youngest of a large brood, I'm well versed in the difference between her childhood and my own).

    It's not defensive to state the obvious benefits to being an only child, any more than it's defensive for those with a larger family to point out the benefits of having more than one.

    I would also add that having siblings is no guarantee you won't be lonely. Two of my siblings haven't spoken in years. The rest of us are close so I do appreciate the sibling bond and I'd love for my child to have it, but it's not guaranteed and a sibling would cause more harm in our family at the moment than it would good.


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    #54
    iverjohnston
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,242 ✭✭✭iverjohnston


    CarMe wrote: »
    But I didn't ask anywhere in my post what people felt were the benefits of having an only child, I was actually asking WHY the parents of only children talk about the benefits so often, and in reply I got lots of people talking about the benefits of only children![/quote

    But no parent, of 1 or 4 or however many , suddenly starts proclaiming the benefits of the number of children they happen to have, to an audience.
    If they ARE defending the size of their family, its because some busy-body has declared to the parent the error of their ways.
    What are you to do?
    Most people are too polite to give the proper response, which is "F--- off, you nosey xxx"
    Thankfully most are not going to meekly agree with the questioner, and hang their head in shame.
    So the usual polite response is to give some kind of defense to their position.

    Do you find it irritating that people do not accept your view of the world ?


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    #55
    CarMe
    Registered Users Posts: 677 ✭✭✭CarMe


    ash23 wrote: »
    If I made a post saying for example, I disagree with having large families because of overpopulation, parents of large families would probably post disagreeing with me, defending their choices and explaining the benefits they feel from having a large family.

    But ash, my post has nothing to do with disagreeing with only children whatsoever, or any family dynamic for that matter! If you read my original post you would see that my daughter (and myself) are only children and I'm fine with that. Nobody needs to defend their choices, God the whole point of the thread was asking why this attitude is rife among parents of only children yet many of the replies just confirm how much so.


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    #56
    CarMe
    Registered Users Posts: 677 ✭✭✭CarMe


    iverjohnston wrote: »
    CarMe wrote: »
    But I didn't ask anywhere in my post what people felt were the benefits of having an only child, I was actually asking WHY the parents of only children talk about the benefits so often, and in reply I got lots of people talking about the benefits of only children![/quote

    But no parent, of 1 or 4 or however many , suddenly starts proclaiming the benefits of the number of children they happen to have, to an audience.
    If they ARE defending the size of their family, its because some busy-body has declared to the parent the error of their ways.
    What are you to do?
    Most people are too polite to give the proper response, which is "F--- off, you nosey xxx"
    Thankfully most are not going to meekly agree with the questioner, and hang their head in shame.
    So the usual polite response is to give some kind of defense to their position.

    Do you find it irritating that people do not accept your view of the world ?

    Again, if you read my post you'll see I actually stated that as a mother of an only child, the other parents of only children hone in on me and they DO start proclaiming all the benefits of only children, without any prompting or questioning at all.

    Do I find it irritating that people don't accept my view on the world? In what way do you mean? As stated in my original post I'm an only child and will be happy for my daughter to be one too? I'm not here to discuss the pros and cons of that.

    I think a lot of people have gotten lost in the posts that followed my OP and could probably do with reading it again (or at all in some cases)


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    #57
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    ash23 wrote: »
    Most people who defending or explained having one child or pointed out the benefits were actually replying to the comments of another poster who basically said having an only child was a bad thing. Or another who said a lot of only children are spoiled rotten.

    If someone said that about having any type of family, people would defend or explain their choices.


    +1
    I'm not sure why you can't see this, CarMe. Some of the responses here are the very reason parents get "defensive".

    I'm frequently asked "is he your first?" implying there'll be a second or third. I only ever respond "yes".

    If the asker then decides to ramble on about "needing to think about number two" I smile and say nothing.

    I've also got a few "you can't leave him on his own" which is harder to ignore but I do my best.


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    #58
    iverjohnston
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,242 ✭✭✭iverjohnston


    CarMe wrote: »
    iverjohnston wrote: »

    Again, if you read my post you'll see I actually stated that as a mother of an only child, the other parents of only children hone in on me and they DO start proclaiming all the benefits of only children, without any prompting or questioning at all.

    Do I find it irritating that people don't accept my view on the world? In what way do you mean? As stated in my original post I'm an only child and will be happy for my daughter to be one too? I'm not here to discuss the pros and cons of that.

    I think a lot of people have gotten lost in the posts that followed my OP and could probably do with reading it again (or at all in some cases)

    Me-oow, Saucer of milk for CarMe!
    You are annoyed because people complement you on the status quo of your own situation.
    Poor you. Would you rather they took you to task?


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    #59
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,042 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Kinley Gray Volleyball wrote: »
    I think some people read too much into what really are 'small talk' type remarks because they think people care much more than they actually do.

    But that's MY point too... I know most people aren't one bit interested. Why would they be? Once you walk away from the conversation they go about their business forgetting they've even spoken to you, whereas something they might have said could stick with you for long after the conversation.

    There is no need for anyone to ever ask, about anyone else's family planning. If someone wants to bring it up themselves and start the conversation then fair enough, I think that allows for a certain degree of questions like "would you like another", etc...

    A very very good friend of mine got married 8 years ago, with no sign of kids for years. I never ever felt the need to ask her when she was "going to get a move on" or anything else, because I didn't know, nor did I expect to be privy to the finer details of her life... Whether or not she ever had kids was going to have absolutely no affect on my life. She eventually told me after 5 years that they were starting IVF. So once she opened up the conversation, I then felt it was ok to ask her about it.

    I think the inappropriate questioning might eventually die out, as people become more aware of not only the difficulties that someone might be going through, but also the fact that people now have a choice. Catholic Ireland doesn't have as much influence on people anymore, and people don't feel the need to "get married and have kids" (pl).

    Anyway, Kinley Gray Volleyball, I think we are both arguing the same point. I just think people need to learn to talk about the weather instead of someone else's family plans :P

    Edit: Also meant to say, that I think there is a difference between someone coming into work with a newborn and getting the "when are you going again?" jibes which is obviously meant in jest, very unoriginal jest, but jest never the same, and someone with a child 2, 3, 8 years old etc and being told that they have to go again, or they can't have them lonely etc.


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    #60
    Moonbeam
    Moderators, Education Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 18,953 Mod ✭✭✭✭Moonbeam


    *mod note*

    Folks can we keep this on topic please? You are all entitled to your opinion and you can all voice it but please refrain from attacking other posters.


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    #61
    coffee_cake
    Registered Users Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    The point izzy is that sometimes people do say it out of conversation and don't cop that what may be nothing to them is a deep heartwrenching story with a long history for the person they're talking to. And they need to realise that maybe it just isn't an appropriate "nothing" kind of conversation like the weather, and stop doing it...

    favouriteslave wrote:
    I've also got a few "you can't leave him on his own" which is harder to ignore but I do my best.
    "Ah sure I'll leave him a movie and a few takeaway meals he'll be grand on his own"
    giggle

    I feel sorry for my mum after reading all this now, another hassle she must have gotten


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