Parents of only children defensive?

IvyTheTerrible

I have one child and I only want one. I find people are often questioning me about why I only want one, why don't you have more, it's cruel to have an only child, it's selfish, etc etc. So while I personally don't tell people why I think it's great to have an only child, I can see why people can be pushed to it, they feel they have to justify it.

bluewolf

bluewolf wrote: »

The point izzy is that sometimes people do say it out of conversation and don't cop that what may be nothing to them is a deep heartwrenching story with a long history for the person they're talking to. And they need to realise that maybe it just isn't an appropriate "nothing" kind of conversation like the weather, and stop doing it...

But I already said that the 'why do you only have one?' type comments are intrusive and offensive. That's a million miles away from 'ah a boy and a girl - how lucky, you don't need to go again!'. I think some people take the oversensitivity too far when it comes to this topic. I mean, you have to say something when someone tells you they've just had a baby. I'm sure people would complain even more if you just said 'oh that's great' without looking up from the keyboard.

I have loads of health problems myself and get all sorts of comments, but you have to differentiate between the nosy and intrusive and the 'making conversation' type.

From the moment a pregnant test turns positive and you share the news, it's a world of nosiness and comments.

I never said which hospital I was attending. When I was asked outright and said Mount Carmel you would think I'd said I was planning to give birth in a field. Lots of remarks there.
Then I was consistently asked if I wanted a girl or a boy. I said I didn't mind.
My bump was subject to scrutiny "you're TINY!" "you're HUGE!" etc etc.

When babs arrived I was asked outright if I was feeding him "myself".... er no, I lash food into the Moses and let him at it.
Then it was "how long are you breastfeeding for?" and the gem I got "it's a load of b*llocks, my kids were on bottles and they're grand, why would you put yourself through it?"

When I started solids with DS, how we started solids, deciding not to use a crèche and stay at home for a while, what age he started walking "God that's late isn't it, my son was 8 months", "he really should be sleeping the night now" "take the soother off him he's too old" "you STILL give him a bottle?!" it gets really tiresome. Especially when I don't court it, people just can't help but stick their oar in well past basic chit chat.

The defensiveness around the fact that he doesn't have a sibling, whether perceived or real, is possibly a final expression of a pain in my hole with unwanted remarks/advice/comments/expectations over a period of three years.

When people announce baby news I congratulate them. If they want to talk about it I'll ask if they're excited and when the new arrival is expected. That's it.
Because I've been there I wait to see if people actually want to talk or are looking for advice.

Big Bag of Chips

I never claimed to be offended by people saying "you don't have to go again". I was just surprised at the amount of people who did say it. (Especially when we had already decided to have a 3rd pretty quickly!)

Same way as there is a difference between people who choose to have one child, and people who only have one due to various difficulties. If you choose to have one then the same questions can not be seen as insensitive. But the reality is people usually don't know other people's circumstances. They don't know whether a person has 1 child by choice, or by circumstances. So the best bet is to say nothing, because you don't know whether what you say is just idle chit-chat or something much much deeper.

A friend of mine has 3 kids, all IVF after many years of heartbreak. She also lost 2 babies quite late in pregnancy, so to an outsider her family may look like fair game for small talk of "are you finished now?" "you have enough now in 3" etc but it is anything but.

ash23

CarMe wrote: »

But I didn't ask anywhere in my post what people felt were the benefits of having an only child, I was actually asking WHY the parents of only children talk about the benefits so often, and in reply I got lots of people talking about the benefits of only children!

The replies were in response to other posts, not just to yours. As the parent of an only child for the last ten years, I can't say I've ever had a conversation with anyone about the pros of having one child. In fact there's a few of us who work in this small group (about 50%) who have one child. For various reasons. None of us, after working side by side daily for 5+ years, have ever spoken about the benefits of having one child.

I do have to wonder if people are saying it to you so often, are you saying things which are meant as innocent but come out differently, causing people to justify themselves?

However, if I read something online where someone puts down my daughter based on her sibling status, yes, I'll defend her. I don't want anyone having preconceived notions about my child because of her family status. It's an absurd leap to make and so I'll defend her and myself.

CarMe

Ash it's surprising how we've both had such different experiences, I definitely don't say anything however innocent that could be construed as anything but I'm now beginning to wonder is it for MY benefit (being a single mother)

I'm still really shocked that asking someone is that their first would be considered invasive or nosey though!

wolfpawnat

anncoates wrote: »

Think it's more about the company and socialization as kids rather than any guarantee they'll be big friends later in life.

But that's what I said, we never got on, as kids it was even harder. I wanted to be on my bike or drawing, she wanted tv or basketball. We never wanted to be near each other. Some kids are just like that.

ash23

CarMe wrote: »

Ash it's surprising how we've both had such different experiences, I definitely don't say anything however innocent that could be construed as anything but I'm now beginning to wonder is it for MY benefit (being a single mother)

I'm a single mother too and still haven't experienced it. I occasionally do get the "oh have you just the one, ah well, you're still young, you've loads of time to have another" :rolleyes:
But can't say I've every sung the virtues of having one nor heard them sung to me.

I do find people get a bit antsy though about me having just one. Like if I say I'm tired or finding her a handful I will often get a sharp "you've only one - try having three!". It's like you can't complain because you've only one child so therefore are perceived as having it so easy.

CarMe

CarMe wrote: »

Ash it's surprising how we've both had such different experiences, I definitely don't say anything however innocent that could be construed as anything but I'm now beginning to wonder is it for MY benefit (being a single mother)

I'm still really shocked that asking someone is that their first would be considered invasive or nosey though!

Yep. Me too. I get that there may have been previous miscarriages or bad experiences, but I don't see how it's offensive as a question.

It's actually gotten to the stage where I feel nervous about asking anyone anything, lest they take offence. I mean, any question about any topic could bring up sad feelings. I think there's a limit to how much you can expect other people not to mention things, tbh.